


{1. Defiance} Everthing's Just Fine

by EmpressTod



Series: Spirits: Far From Home [1]
Category: DA:I, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age - Various Authors, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: AU, Action, Bard - Freeform, Canon? What Canon?, Elf rights, F/F, F/M, First Person, Inquisition, Modern Girl in Thedas, Modern Insert, Multi, Orlais, Pro Mage, Slow Burn, Spirits, The Fade, Unreliable Narrator, bard oc, i am in hell, is she a mage?, light canon, rogue oc, scientists have yet to find out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 08:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 47
Words: 92,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9713984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmpressTod/pseuds/EmpressTod
Summary: In which a human dancer is saved by something that drags her into the body of an elf in Orlais. Then somehow manages to insert herself into the story and does her best not to mess it all up. That includes trying and failing to avoid a certain elf.Follows Inquisition, loosely.





	1. Upon waking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elaine. lydes. orlais. oh my

I floated through this world like a dream at first. Nothing seemed quite... real. I felt as if I wasn't really myself, that I was watching things happen through the eyes of a stranger. It was both fascinating and terrifying.

Orlais was as beautiful as you'd think. But dangerous. I'd thought I was a good liar before, but they could see right through me sometimes. It was impossible to lie to them, even my way of speaking was odd to them, so I gave up.

That was where I woke up, by the way. Somewhere near Lydes, Orlais. Thedas, if you want to split hairs.

No idea how I got there. Could be some freaky fade timey stuff, could still just all be the weirdest dream of all time. Even though I know more now, I still wondered if there were others. Like me that is.

Either way, the first thing I noted. Pointy ears. Treated differently because of it. I was the same height, tallish. But there was so much less of me, I was used to having more bulk. More muscle. I was a dancer, you see.

As an elf, I was willowy, something I'd never been before. But not bony, like a lot of elves that I saw scurrying around the place. Eh, turns out they're just drastically underfed?

The fact that I wasn't accustomed to being a second-class citizen didn't help. After waking in an Apothecary hut (She was elven, thank god) I had to adapt. It wasn't easy, but I did.

Head down, eyes down. Grey, blend. Observe. Invisible, interchangeable. Hood to cover hair and ears.

Another thing that was different and much noticeably so; my hair. Back home, when I was human, it was ginger yeah but darker. Chestnut colour.

But in Thedas, it was the colour of flames. Oranges, reds, yellows, even some blue and pink. It hung extremely long in wavy tresses down my back. It drew eyes, thus a hood.

Back to Lydes.

I stayed with the lady, the Apothecary, for a while. It was simple, pretending it was all a dream. Plus, at the time I didn't recognise the town, so I didn't actually make the connection until much later.

What? I never claimed to be all that bright. But compared to the other elves, I might as well gave been a Rode Scholar, simply because I could read and write.

The Apothecary was named Alice. She was old and nearly deaf. She used to be Dalish, and married a human carpenter, no children, and he was long dead. So her house was full of books and she was full of stories. I had always loved history, and learning all I could about the world I'd found myself in seemed a good idea at the time.

But of course, Lydes was not as safe as I thought.

In game, the Mage Templar War had effected Ferelden the most. But now, it had suddenly become real everywhere else.

I had always been sympathetic to mages, sure, no one should he locked up at the mercy of overzealous templars. That's just a decent thing to do. But it hadn't been Templars who decided to riot in Lydes, causing havoc and devastating the land.

They left our little town burning. I lost Alice. And I was angry. I'd been fine there, my human life was done and I could just waste away with an old lady in Lydes. I'd been cool with that? Like, it doesn't take much effort to live a simple life. There wasn't much obligation here.

But, drunk on power and freedom, they were a menace and a danger. For the first time, I threw myself into this world. Into this life.

The way I saw it I had two options. I could head to Val Royeaux, into deep Orlais to find work. Or I could do the same in Ferelden. I had no guidance for anything, little to no skills except... performing. I was a dancer after all? I guess maybe Val Royeaux was the way to go...

I needed to learn how to fight before I hit the roads alone, elven women weren't safe here. So I busted out more of dear Alice's books. In the back were a matched pair of daggers, so I taught myself out of books. Different styles every week.

I left that town much later. Pack laden with not much. It had been the bag I brought to classes. Surprisingly spacious, I was able to fit two changes of clothes, book on elven anatomy incase I got bored, lots of rations, flint, journal (it helped that I still had my old pencil-case with all of the pens and pencils still in there. It would become invaluable later), and the three pairs of dancing shoes that had been in the bag when I came through. The pointe shoes, ballet shoes, and tap shoes sat, barely used, at the very bottom of the bag, wrapped in the precious embroidered scarf that I'd stolen from mum the day I ... disappeared.

I missed them all so much. For all my griping and complaining about my life before, I had never been alone. I had a big family, and an even bigger circle of friends. Now I was gone, and truly left alone.

I sewed some clever straps to the bottom of the bag so that my knives could be relatively concealed but easily reached, donned a heavy coat that had been Alice's (lined, loads of pockets I kept finding bits of paper and elfroot in) and left Lydes entirely.

The first few nights on the road were glorious. Just me and the stars, I had to fight off a few bandits but it was no big deal once I cut at them, stole their coin-purses and ran off. Who knew dancers made for people good at dodging?

I got to Val Royeaux, and instantly knew I'd made the right decision. My hair drew eyes, in a better way this time, and my voice was exotic to them. Funny how things turn out.

Also funny, the Mage Templar War went on for over a year before talks of the Conclave even started. Didn't even think of that before. By that point I'd joined up at the theatre, they appreciated pretty things there so my ears weren't even an issue.

We'd get rumours out of Kirkwall, and chapters of Varric's Tale of the Champion made it to me even in the heart of Orlais.

Then, just as I finally got comfortable again, not three months before the Conclave, everything changed again.

That's where I'm starting this you see, if I didn't get any of it down I'd go nuts. Things here are crazy, people here are crazy, I don't know how anyone stands it! Shit, I'd never even considered holding a weapon against someone before, and here I've done it multiple times.

I felt so different, yet I was exactly the same and, apart from my ears, I looked it too.

So, jumping in at the most convenient point that makes me look good seems good to me, yeah?


	2. I get discovered but not in the way you're thinking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vivienne introduced. elaine gets a job

Well... here goes. The day life got a hell of a lot more interesting.

One word. Bandits.

There were plenty people waiting to take advantage of refugees from the war, and the civil war that was starting as well. Shit, even I was one of them. I wouldn't have gotten remotely close to Val Royeaux if it weren't for the refugees coming in and out of the city. Who notices an elf among thousands of humans that need homes? Literally no one.

Back the the bandits. I'd left the city for a while because I needed a break and wanted to scout some natural hot springs that were nearby. Just some normal every day stuff. I'd learned to always be prepared for a fight, I'd been in Thedas for over a year at that point and that theory kept me alive.

So when I saw a carriage get set upon by thieves I was about to turn the other way and just let them have at it when-

"Oh look, a pretty one! Gonna have some fun tonight boys!"

Ahahaha. Well. Can't say they walked away completely ... whole.

When I stopped, having killed one and knocked the other two unconscious, I grabbed their coin-purses and wiped my knives on their coats. "Stupid bandits- stupid war- stupid everything going to sh-"

"Excuse me?" A posh, smooth voice that I knew I recognised from somewhere chimed in from the carriage.

"Oh! Sorry!" I shouted, sheathing the knives and peaking over the flipped edge into the carriage.

And blow me down, there sat Lady Vivienne De Fer, in all her beautiful, elegant glory. If I'm being honest, I always thought she was by far the most beautiful person I'd ever seen? The game did not do her justice I'll tell you that much.

I helped her out of the carriage, it required a lot of lifting and manoeuvring but we got her out. Her leg was mangled by the crash, a huge cut up the side that needed stitches.

"I can try to do something for that, my lady. But until we get to a healer-"

"You saved my life, please just call me Vivienne. I am afraid I'm not much of a healer either, but possibly we can figure something out together?"

From what I remembered of my time with Alice, elfroot was the best way to speed healing, so I went in search of some and we got her standing in no time.

"What is your name, my dear? You look awfully familiar." She said, eyeing me down her nose as she leaned against me.

I started walking, she did her best to appear dignified while hopping, "Elaine, I'm a dancer. You may have seen me in a show or two." Sheepish, for no reason, I would have given her my last name but considering it wasn't mine but Alice's I thought I would just say the first.

"Oh I knew I recognised that hair from somewhere, darling! You are an extraordinary dancer." She went on to say that my talents were wasted in the chorus and that as a favour to me for saving her life she would get me a lead-

...

You're not buying this are you?

Worth a shot though, right?

Okay, truth: I saved Vivienne from a mugging gone extremely terrible.

Truth: she did repay me. But not in the best possible way.

No she asked me to ... become her body guard. She said being a dancer was the perfect cover, and that me being elven made it even better. I was good with knives, and apparently had an innocent face that beggared trust.

What swayed me was her offer of payment. Sooo much gold, plus I'd never been one to turn down a nice warm bed.

The Chateau was lovely. It reminded me of a resort, so fancy. And because I was there as her body guard I got to follow her exploits.

She and a bunch of other enchanters from the Montsimmard circle had essentially kicked back and waited. Throughout the whole mage rebellion. It was devious, cheeky, slightly evil, and exactly what I would do in their position.

I was uniquely situated to hear gossip. From Vivienne and her friends, but also from the elven servants around the place. So, when the only thing I heard for a week was that the Divine was finally putting together some peace talks I was just like... finally.

It was about damn time.

Not that things weren't happening, they were, it would just be better to see it in action.

I felt I knew so much about this world. Too much, to just sit back and let things happen without knowing every detail. Who would the Inquisitor be? Who would they side with? I had no idea, Thedas was a whole of a lot different in real life than it was on a TV screen, things are bound to keep changing.

Then of course, the Conclave went up in spectacular green flames. There was a goddamn rift outside my house so I couldn't go exploring like I usually did. The Breach spat out demons constantly. Shit hit the expected fan.

Vivienne stopped sitting on her beautiful ass, and so did I. She actually searched for ways to help, she was constantly travelling the width and breadth of Orlais helping out mages that wanted to go back to the circle, or refugees that had no money to relocate. That I didn't know.

We watched the Breach close from the Chateaux, I was in the library, reading a book on the fade because literally every topic was fascinating to me in this world, when Vivienne entered and sat down.

She appeared exhausted, but she was so well put together you'd have to spend a lot of time with her as I had to know this. "Elaine, my dear. If you have a moment."

"Yeah. What's up?" By now she was used to my earth mannerisms (ha! Earthisms!), I made no move to cover them up any way, there was no point.

She smiled, "I have been nurturing the idea of joining this... Inquisition."

I suppressed a smile as well, oh you'd join it alright. _I'd kill that snowy wyvern myself if the Inquisitor lies to you._ Of course I didn't say that, "It is the only place actively trying to help."

"My thoughts exactly." She sat back though, crossing her legs and letting out a sigh.

"What's wrong, then? Isn't it simple?"

"It is how it looks, my dear. They have been denounced by the Chantry."

"Sorry for the language but- to hell with the Chantry. They should be concentrating on getting a new Divine, not gossiping about the only people who're fixing things."

She sat up at this, looking me in the eyes, "You don't believe in the Chantry do you?"

"Nope. And before you ask, no Elven gods either." I closed my book. This conversation was familiar, it seemed that literally everyone around Thedas was devout and wanted other people to be too.

"You must believe in something."

"I believe we are alone. That we shouldn't sit around and wait for some all powerful being to swoop down and change things. If we want something, we should get off our asses and do it ourselves." I smiled at her, "And if you're questioning how it would look to join them; Change the perspective. Throw a party, the Herald could join. Show them you don't care. Start the trend."

"You have a way with words, and a keen mind, my dear. I often wonder where you are from."

"I said, Lydes. Apothecary. We've been here before, Vivienne."

"Yes, it seems we have." She stood up and made her way towards her desk, I followed clutching the book under my arm. I knew she didn't believe me, I was too clever to be a simple Apothecary's daughter.

She held up a piece of paper, "I have word out of Haven that the Herald and a party will be arriving at Val Royeaux next month to appeal to the Chantry. I will schedule the Salon for then." Her quill was definitely mightier than any sword at that point. I could never have organised such a gathering in such a small space of time. I helped out all the servants when I had the time, I could clean I wasn't useless.

The day before the Herald was going to arrive in Orlais, Vivienne came to my rooms. She was holding a bag out for me to take. It looked almost like... a garment bag.

"I had these made for you, my dear. If you are going to accompany me to Haven, you should look the part. Go on, try it on."

It was armour, good quality. the vest and part of the pants were made from that grey great-bear hide, arm and shoulder guards shining with some weird warm metal. The pants, while mostly leather, were leggings of suppremely stretchable ad breathable material. The undershirt was apparently enchanted, and the red-ish metallic fabric shone with the light. I hadn't worn anything like it, more used to cheap shit. She nodded to herself after I tried it on and stepped out to show her, "Excellent, darling." Then moved on instantly, "Also-" She passed me a letter with her seal on it, "I trust you will deliver this to the Herald?"

At this my eyebrows raised, I was still checking myself out in the armour to be honest, "Really? I thought you were going to send one of the mages."

She waved her hand, "You should leave at dawn, you know how to ride?"

Eyeing the letter, I winced and instantly shook my head, "Ahhh, that would be a no. Horses aren't really my area. I'm good to walk, it's not a problem."

She shot me a look, not the first time I'd been on the end of that one either, "You will ride. How better to learn than on the job?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch me play with canon like its jump rope


	3. She's got horns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meeting the herald. marching about val royeaux.

Horses don't like me, I don't like horses. They only thing we can bond over is that mutual dislike. I've only ridden a horse once like... when I was a kid. Ages ago.

It was like riding a bike? I was so shit at it. I dealt. My ass hurt, not important to the story.

I walked around the Val Royeaux market, glad to be back after months away. It was beautiful if you could get over the casual hangings that went on.

I felt powerful in the armour, but the chill made me pull Alice's coat (I still had it. I wasn't about to let it go) on over it. I put some rations in the many pockets, and strapped the daggers to their places at the base of my spine. To the casual observer it wouldn't look like I was armed.

I needed new knives though, I'd had these since Lydes. They looked worse for wear.

I'll skip the travel. Boring. And take the time to explain something about time Thedas.

1: The days are the same, sun rises in the east and sets in the west, yeah?

2: The nights, however, are longer. Doesn't matter where you are, it will always be darker for longer than it is light. Plus the moon is closer to the planet here, so it's always far bigger than it was on earth.

3: That is the coolest shit ever.

I bought a new pair of knives. Beautiful, deadly looking things, and traded in my old ones. After sheathing the new pretty ones, I finally turned to the gathered crowd. Watching the mother get clocked almost made me giggle, but I had to stay towards the back, so as to not get noticed while I looked for the Herald and their party.

Giddy. Is the word I would use. I was ecstatic that I'd meet the person who would become the Inquisitor. I'd watched this over and over in my play-throughs. But now I'd actually get to meet them.

Finally understood how the author felt in Inkheart.

When the crowd cleared, I moved around to the other side to finally get a clear view of our Herald.

Qunari. Vashoth if you like. Don't know what I expected, maybe hoping for elven? Anyway; she towered over the others, her horns were the ram ones, and her hair was silvery, in cornrow braids and piled atop her head, she was a mage as well.

Adaar. Inquisitor Adaar. The games did not do Qunari women justice.

It was then that I noticed Solas. For some stupid reason, I had completely forgotten about him.

He looked... younger. He looked... different.

Fuck. That was the Dread Wolf. Standing in front of me. I would have to talk to him. Fucking fuck he'd see right through me.

Having a minor panic attack, I backed off towards the exit, noticing that Sera had already fired her arrow at them, and they wondered off to find the red things.

Resolved, I'd not talk to him. He was dangerous. I knew too much, I was in danger. I'd not so much as look at him.

I concentrated on breathing, taking sips of water as I watched the party run around the market looking for the red things.

When they finished, I stepped in front of them, looking up at the exceedingly tall Qunari in front of me.

"You're her, the Herald?" I said, positively shaking with excitement. I meant to sound casual and chill? Didn't work. "You're... impressive."

She arched a perfect eyebrow, hiding any other emotion from me, "And you are?"

I grinned, bowing low with a flourish, "Elaine. I represent Senior Enchanter Vivienne De Fer- I come with an invitation." Standing up with a grin, I passed her the letter.

Varric was withholding a cheeky grin, (his shirt is extremely low cut, isn't he cold?) and I couldn't help but throw him a wink as the Herald reached out and took the letter.

"An invitation? To what?" She sounded understandably confused.

"What else do Orlesians do when the world's, ending?" My arms opened, hands flipping outwards, "Throw a party."

Cassandra scoffed, Varric grinned at me, and I didn't even glance at Solas to see what he was thinking. I wouldn't.

"Alright..." The Herald opened the letter then passed it to Cassandra- who began to read it.

The Herald couldn't read?

"It's soon, and Vivienne asked me to escort you to the Chateau, so... I guess I'm with you?"

"We don't need a minder." Cassandra grumbled, looking up from the invite.

"Well, that's good. Because I don't mind." Grinning at her. Man, I could not stop smiling. It was surreal. All felt like a dream. It couldn't possibly be me there, talking to them.

"It's fine with me, Shadow. What's one more?" Varric shrugged.

The Herald (Shadow? Nickname, or actual name?), seemed to nod in agreement. Cassandra was scowling but didn't say anything. Solas nodded out of the corner of my eye. I still hadn't looked at him.

"Alright, you can come along until the party. We have to get to somewhere tonight on the way." The Herald held up a handful of red scarves. "Do you know anything about a ... Red Jenny?"


	4. Name day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> recruiting sera. making friends.

"So. How did an elf end up friends with the Court Enchanter? Bet it's a good story." Varric was, undoubtably, a very chatty guy. Can't fault him really, he's extremely loveable.

I shrugged, tugging my hood up as it started to slip, "Oh, you know. Went for a walk, saved her life, as you do."

"Sure. Because she couldn't defend herself?"

"She was injured. Her carriage crashed."

"Ah."

He fell silent as we walked. The Herald was up the front, chatting quietly with Cassandra, as Solas led the way with the map.

Varric shook his head, "There's got to be more to it, though. What did you do before?"

"What, you asking for my life story?"

"I'll gladly tell you mine."

"What, I'll show you mine if you show me yours?" Laughing, I squinted at the sky, darkening as the sun disappeared below the horizon. "Vivienne's party is soon, you sure we can make the time?"

"You questioning the map-master?" The Herald quipped, glancing back at me for a moment before facing forward. "It does not matter, we are nearly there."

I stayed quiet as they wondered up to the gates, half expecting them to be careful about it.

Nope they just went straight through, didn't even knock or anything. Cassandra kicked the door straight down (she could crush me with her thighs and honestly I wouldn't stop her), and charged right on through.

They made short work of the people in there, and didn't even stop to talk or even loot stuff before moving on to the next gate.

The pompous guy was even slimier and up himself in real life, I'll give you that much, but we're all familiar with how it goes so I'll just skip it.

Sera somehow dropped in from a roof, it was quite graceful if you were watching carefully.

After she was inducted into the group, the Herald directed us to a camp outside the area, where our horses were resting.

Sera... taller than expected. All bones and sharp angles and freckles. She was fun to talk to, originally she thought I'd be 'elfy', like Solas, but no we got along great.

Before we rode out, I was trying to talk my horse into going easy on me for the ride back, the Herald came up to me.

"What should I expect from this party?"

Turning away from the horse, my eyebrows raised, "Some help from loyalist mages? Vivienne has a group of them. They weren't part of the revolt."

"So... She can give people to our cause?"

"Sure. Plus she will probably want to join you in Haven- I should let her discuss it. I know her, but I can't speak for her." I offered the Qunari a small grin, "By the way Herald, I'm not sure what I expected but... you're certainly a nice surprise."

She didn't laugh, by the corner of her mouth tipped up, "I will take that as a compliment."

"You should. That's what I meant it as, anyway." I meant to turn away but, I was just so curious, "Herald... can I ask you something?"

"If you like." Her expression was cautious but accommodating, essentially saying 'here we go again.'

"What's your name? I know everyone's calling you by your title but, that must be exhausting not hearing your name."

She startled, then looked down at her feet in thought, "You know... no one has asked me that yet. Most just call me 'Herald', or 'Adaar'."

"I know Adaar is the word for like... a mounted canon on a ship in Qunlat but... you must have a first name. If it's cool with you, I'd like to use it." I was giving away far too much. Way too much. I couldn't help it. She seemed so surprised, had no one really asked for her name?

"There is more to you than a simple elven dancer." Her grey eyes were regarding me with renewed curiosity. As if she had already put me in a box and I'd shifted up the walls.

"Not really." Sheepish, throwing her a smile as I shuffled my feet.

"It is Anya. Anya Adaar. Feel free to use it whenever you like."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the feedback! short chapter but oh well


	5. Just really bloody cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> haven. elaine complains. leliana isnt nice.

It was bloody lucky I had Alice's coat, because the heavy leather coupled with the fuzzy softness on the inside kept most of me warm in Haven those first few days.

Took me ages to get used to it. The snow. I'd only seen the sticky white stuff once in my whole life as a kid, I was sooo not prepared.

They gave me a small cabin to share with Sera because apparently elves need to stack on top of each other, while Vivienne got one close to the chantry.

It was funny, I'd always thought I knew the layout of Haven, I always struggled to save everyone while it was burning, but turns out it's actually much bigger than it is in game. The areas you can't explore are available, the camp stretched out for miles in each direction. Huge. Legitimately.

I knew we wouldn't be there long though. Another month or two before we get attacked. Depends really, on if Anya wants to do every bloody mission on the map before heading to the mages or templars.

I started writing it down, to estimate the span of time it would take. Usually I wouldn't care but, I thought maybe if I went with them to close the breach maybe I could go home? I missed my family, I missed literally everything. I survived but only because I wanted to see.

I was going up to see Vivienne when I spied a familiar figure out front of the chantry building. He was talking to Anya, who towered over him and literally everyone around. Krem. So, Bull would join us soon, not sure if I'd be able to lie to him. I could barely lie to Leliana.

I couldn't help but grin at them both on my way past, Krem looked curious and Anya offered a tired smile. Then they both disappeared from view as I wandered up to Vivienne, "Hey, settled in alright?" I asked her, leaning against the wall, "Weather's too cold for me."

"One would think you would be used to it, my dear. As you are from Lydes." Whoa, drive-by. She didn't even look up from what she was writing or turn around in her chair.

"You'd think so."

"I have settled in well, thank you. And you? Your cabin appeared quite small to share."

"We're both little elves. It's lucky we even got the cabin, to be honest... least of my problems though. I was just on my way to Josephine, apparently there's been some complaints about a red headed elf who won't work." I cringed, it wasn't that I didn't want to work or contribute, it's that I didn't appreciate being ordered about like I was nothing. If they precede the question with 'hey knife-ear' they're gonna get a smack across the face. It's just a principle.

Vivienne dropped her quill and turned her head to look me in the eye, "You are expected to work? I have not been approached by anyone."

"Doesn't surprise me, Vivienne. You're human, and noble. Compared to you I'm literally dirt to them? They don't care." I shrugged, pushing myself off the wall and straightening up, "Probably why I've been 'summoned'. I'll catch you later, Vivienne." I offered her a smile before turning and starting towards Josephine's office.

I knocked like a good girl and waited.

"Yes, come in!"

Swallowing, I had to psych myself up before going in. I was going to meet her! Josephine! Man, I had the biggest crush on her for so long. She was lovelier in person, her clothes much brighter, hair shinier. Like Vivienne, the games didn't do anyone justice.

It was then I noticed the purple, hooded shadow behind Josephine. Leliana cut a very terrifying figure, even casually leaning against the wall. I couldn't lie to her even if I tried she would know. She always knows.

But what was the alternative? None of them had reasons to trust me. None of them knew anything about me except my name, and even that was fake. Everything about me would scream 'spy' to Leliana, and I'd be thrown in the dungeons to rot or even killed.

Hang on... maybe that was a way to get back? To... die? Never even considered that. Shit. Put it on the back-burner for now kid, you got other problems.

"Ah, there you are. Please sit." Josephine gestured to the chair opposite hers, but I didn't want to be loomed over, so I took a few steps forward, and then stopped.

"Thanks, I'm going to stand." I swallowed down a lot of earthisms. I'd have to in this company.

"So. You know why you have been asked here today."

"Yes." Shit, even in this cold as tits weather I was starting to sweat. Leliana hadn't stopped looking at me? I was a goner. So long, it was nice telling you the story as it lasted.

"It is my understanding that you are here as a servant, and due to this you are expected to work as such." Josephine looked up, I knew she wasn't unreasonable, but matters of household workers were trivial to her. She didn't care.

"Your understanding is wrong. I've been Vivienne's _body-guard_ for months. I was the one who escorted the Herald to her, we fought some bad guys together." I couldn't help but cross my arms defiantly, "I'm no servant. But that you expect it of an elf doesn't surprise me."

Josephine finally looked up, and Leliana stirred from her spot in the wall, stepping closer into the circle of light. "I attempted to check your background, yet I found little trail before last year."

Here we go. Moment of truth. Let's see how good at lying I've gotten since I got here, yeah?

"Would shock me if you did. I was in a small town about a half days ride from Lydes." Maybe if I let them draw their own conclusions I wouldn't have to lie, "Didn't get much action there for most of my life, so I left. Joined a Theatre in Val Royeaux, the usual stuff."

Internally I was sending every prayer up to every god I knew of that they'd buy it. That they wouldn't execute me.

"The Theatre?" Josephine asked, momentarily distracted.

"Oh yeah. I'm a dancer. Performing. Way better at that then doing household stuff." My arms uncrossed, and I was careful not to glare, "Can I go now?"

"Not yet." Leliana paced around the desk until she was standing in front of me. Soo intimidating, she had this way of walking that managed to be completely silent, like a cat. Terrifying.

"Where were you trained? As a bard?" Her eyes narrowed as she spoke, evenly and demanding an answer.

 _Shit shit shit shit-_ "Me? No training. The dancing and knives have always been separate. Never even been at court in my whole life." She could probably see the panic in my eyes, yet she backed off anyway.

"Can you write?"

I withheld a wince, "Yes."

"Read?"

"Yes."

"You will work under me, I have need of a scout to write out letters to send ravens. When you are not with the Herald." Leliana listed off as if it were no big deal.

Wait what. To both of those things. "With the Herald?"

"Yes. She has requested that you be able to join her on certain missions. She believes that your skills will become useful." Leliana looked like she'd swallowed a lemon. She was probably just angry she couldn't get a read on me. I didn't act like a lot of elves she was used to.

"I..." Literally was just too shocked to reply.

Josephine took over, "You will report to Leliana at dawn in two days."

I was too shocked to do anything but nod. I'd come in here expecting to be executed under suspicion of being a spy. Now I came out with a job? With two jobs? I needed to talk to Anya. I couldn't believe she requested to work with me. I couldn't even pick locks.

Guess I'd have to ask Varric for help in that department...

I left the chantry that day, absolutely stunned, wondering just what in this cold hell I'd gotten myself into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you reckon Anya will go templars or mages?


	6. Bad to worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more friends, soldiers and elves. leliana is the worst boss ever.

Really didn't know what to expect from Leliana, so I tucked a small knife into my boot on the way out of the cabin that morning.

Stopped at the kitchens and snagged a bowl of porridge and ate with the recruits and the rest of the servants. They were all always up before the sun, dressed and ready for a full days work.

I'd begun to start recognising some of the elves running around Haven. That one who barges in on the Herald after they wake up? Her name's Leda. She's quiet, and always has her head down. She usually works as a runner for Adan, but when she's not doing that she's in the Seamstress hut helping sew blankets and Inquisition standard clothing.

Leda, over the span of my already two week long stay in Haven, introduced me to other elves. Mostly servants. Frank, works in the stables, moved here with his partner Jethon, who works with Threnn on requisitions. Clara and Tate, in the kitchens. They were all... connected. As if for protection they banded together.

They liked me, they thought I could protect myself, and thus them too. It wasn't spoken, but it was there.

Privately, I wandered if I should look for others who had ... crossed over. From my side. Maybe I'd be able to pick them if I asked the right questions. It would he highly likely that they'd seek out Haven. If only out of curiosity, instead of sheer luck like me.

Anyway. Leliana sat me at a desk in her tent (To be honest I think she just wanted to keep an eye on me), handed me a shitty quill and ink (Pens! Who'd have thought I'd miss the humble pen!), pointed me at some papers and asked me to copy out the layouts of the maps from the summarised reports.

Sounds easy right? Wrong! I'm shit at math! And geography! That's why I became a dancer in the first place, I'm no good at anything else!

After an excruciating day with the reports and making the maps that would be send out, she let me leave.

I'd told her I was no servant, and here she was treating me like one? Maybe... I was being too precious about it. Work was work after all. I'm just shit at most jobs.

I slumped down on a chair across from Sera, muttering to myself about how my hand was cramping and I was stoked that Vivienne was still paying me otherwise I'd run for the hills.

"Look at those fingers," Sera snatched my ink-covered hand, even her light grip made the muscles ache, "All black and blue these are."

"Shouldn't've said I could write."

"Then she'd find somewhere else to torture you, Spitfire. Be glad its with a pen and not the sword." Varric interjected, sitting down with two mugs of extremely stinky ale.

He pushed one to me, "Looks like you need it."

Making a face, I pinched my nose and took a sip. It burned the whole way down and then made itself at home in my stomach. "Eugh- Spitfire? That my name now?"

"You like it? It's a reference to your-"

"Hair. Ha ha- very original." It took a few minutes for the drink to take effect, but I was half way through the mug when I hit pleasantly tipsy, and the sun was going down.

I shook out my hands, knowing I shouldn't have touched the stuff, and pushed away from the table. "Gotta go. It's sleep time. Best be off."

"Sometimes I don't understand a word you're saying." Varric laughed, and Sera poked him in response.

"You say that to me too, you know."

The door shut on them, and I was still grinning as I turned around. And jumped as a guy's face was literally right in front of mine.

"Pretty elf servant, moment of your time? I got some chores for you." Templar armour, neat and clean shaven, except his eyes gleamed with a malice that scared me.

I nearly sighed with relief when I remembered the knife in my boot. But backed away from him, "Not a servant, mate. Back the fuck up."

"Yeah, sure. Come down to the soldiers, girl. Make it easy for yourself." He wasn't even tall or armed, but he attempted to loom over me like he was important.

I backed up the steps to the cabin, planning on making a run for it and locking myself inside mine. "As if I'm gonna do that, just fuck off and I'll pretend this never happened." _Or better yet, I'll sick Vivienne on you. Won't matter if you're a templar then will it bud?_ As I spoke I whipped the knife out of my boot.

"Feisty. I like it-"

"Templars who abuse their place deserve whatever punishment is dealt. Against two of us, you do not stand a chance. Leave, before I am forced to use magic." A voice said. Took my mind a second to catch up because of the adrenaline and the alcohol.

As I turned to thank the person who scared the creepy templar off, my face fell.

"Solas."

"Andran atishan. Elaine, is it not?"


	7. Can't quite do civil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> solas asks for answers

We watched the overzealous templar slink away (me making sure he went further then the tavern) before saying anything else.

I thought I resolved not to talk to him. Was so sure that I could get by without ever having to discuss anything. But ohh no. Not me. I just have to have the worst luck in human history. Well, you know what I mean.

"It is late to be coming home. Why are you still awake?" He asked, his head tilted to the side and reflected the moonlight in the funniest way... wonder what he'd be like with hair? More attractive?

Nope. Stop. Drawing the line. Stop thinking in that way. Bad idea.

"Was actually just on my way. Excuse me." Tried, tried to make my escape. It didn't bloody work.

He actually stepped in front of me. "Have I done something to offend you?"

I made sure my face was a mask before turning back to him, "No."

"I was under the impression that you seem to dislike me." He said, hands clasped together. He wasn't genuinely asking, he just wanted to know why I was giving him the cold shoulder when I became fast friends with everyone else.

"I can't 'dislike' you Solas, I don't know you." I sighed, backing up and jumping so I could sit on the wall. Had a feeling he wouldn't let me leave any time soon.

"Perhaps we should change that? If you are put off for any reason, I would rather address it." He insisted, and I had no clue what his agenda was.

If I were in his position, and I found someone who had no interest in knowing me, it'd be a field day. I'd leave them alone just the same as they would me. Less people to lie to, less chance of messing up. So what the hell was his game?

My eyes narrowed of their own accord, "Why?"

He was a good actor, would do well at my old theatre, because he managed to look passably surprised, "We will be working together, yes? It is only wise to at least be civil."

Fine. What the hell? He could only kill me if I let anything slip. It'd be a good way to test my theory about dying being a way back. So far I had three; find an eluvian that could get me to the other side, get physically back into the fade somehow and find a rift that leads back, or get killed. Not sure which one is the best yet.

So. Civil. With the Dread Wolf.

How did things get like this?

"Okay... what you wanna to talk about?" I leant back on my arms, making myself comfortable on the wall.

He appeared to be choosing the right words, it took a while for him find them and voice them, "Why do you let Leliana lord over you as she does? Your hands are bruised and dirty, yet you are no servant. Why is that?"

"Wow. Jump right in there, don't you?" Yawning, it was rather late, "They're still suspicious of me. My place isn't very secure here, despite Vivienne's protection. So I just go along with it. I don't act like a lot of elves they know and that concerns them, I'm sure you understand that." I replied, I really was letting my mouth run away with me here. It was ridiculously easy to talk to him.

He nodded, "I do understand. My place is not so secure either. Apostates, particularly elven ones, are not very welcome."

"Even if they're trying to help?"

"Somehow humans are under the impression that help always masks spies or liars."

"Hm, true." Was he just telling me what I wanted to hear? Urgh, this is why I never wanted to talk to him in the first place! We couldn't even have one conversation without me second guessing everything he was doing! It was ridiculous. And unhealthy.

I yawned again, "Let's finish this at another time. It's late, I imagine you want sleep as much as I do. Catch you later." Without even stopping to watch his expression I jumped off the wall, lifted my hand in a wave and walked into my cabin. Shutting the door on the weirdest night I'd had to date.


	8. Can't take more surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> plot twist. elaine saves someone exactly like her. finally standing up to a spymaster.

Few days passed, my hands were cramped beyond belief, brain was just kind of blank after all the report writing and summarising and copying.

This was why I dropped out of uni, my dudes. Deathly afraid of sitting at a desk my whole life, watching myself waste away. Not to knock people that do that, honestly have the utmost respect for them. But I just didn't have the constitution for a life like that, still don't.

Took joys where I could find them. In the mornings I took to training with Cullen and the soldiers for an hour. They went for a run around the entire frozen lake, and then they'd go through drills. There were a few I talked to regularly, that I'd even call friends; Ari, a slim, serious man who told me I was holding my knives wrong and helped me correct the form. And Jenny, a dark skinned woman who'd travelled from the deserts of east Orlais to join the Inquisition, she was always cold, and she constantly joked about the food lacking any sort of taste, but she was kind. Jenny always slowed down her jogging pace to make me feel better when I lagged behind, which was constantly. I'd eat breakfast with either them, or with the elves. Either way, I had made a big handful of friends in Haven.

Vivienne had me come to her cabin for tea and to make sure I was eating regular meals, every day at lunch time she'd show up at Leliana's tent, and whisk me away with her chin held higher than a mountain. Endless source of laughter.

Then the nights were rather different, all my friends and connections would be mostly off duty, so I was never left alone. It felt good, to not be by myself with my thoughts. Cause then the empty feeling would come back, then I'd start to miss home more than ever.

This routine set in rather quickly, nothing changed much. Leliana's tent was where things got interesting, a lot of shit goes down there that you wouldn't have even thought of, that they don't show in game at all.

I put up with it at first, my ears up and listening but my head down and scribbling away. Back always turned, constantly forcing myself to stay focused on the boring task in front of me when, only feet away, the Spymaster was at her work.

Nearly ten days had passed, the Herald had taken Solas, Cassandra, and Sera out to the Fallow Mire five days ago. I was at my usual place, sorting out the stacks of reports and about to get to work when-

"Bring the dwarf in. We have let him stew in the cells for long enough." Leliana addressed one of the scouts (there was always one handy) who saluted and ran off.

I continued on, silently wondering why I never guessed there were more people down in the cells. I'm just a bit thick, aren't I?

There was the distinct clattering of chains, and a grunt as someone was thrown to the ground.

I peaked around, continuing writing while slowly turning my head to peak through my hair.

He was wiry, I'd never seen such a skinny dwarf before, he had no beard either, and a tangled mess of black hair piled atop his head. He was dirty, and malnourished. Had they even given him water?

"I will ask again, Dwarf. Who are you?" Leliana had stood up, looming over him in the shadows and taking advantage of all the dramatic effect possible. Even I was shitting my pants and this time it wasn't even aimed at me.

"You don't listen, you people. I told you who I am. You just don't believe me." He grunted, his accent was familiar, like I'd heard it somewhere but couldn't place it.

"Speak."

"I'm goddamn Michael Jackson, I don't give a crap anymore. Go on and execute me, just let this nightmare end."

 _Michael Jackson_?! My spine went rigid, and I physically had to stop myself from whipping around and stopping Leliana from killing him.

_No one else in Thedas would would recognise that name._

I slowly, silently, turned around. Leliana was in front of me, her back turned, so she didn't even notice. My eyes found the dwarf, the view much better this time, and I saw his chestnut skin was badly bruised.

"Your wish will not be granted until you give up who you are, and your connection to the Carta." Leliana crossed her arms, and I thanked fuck that I couldn't see her face from this angle.

"What the fresh hell is the Carta? This isn't even my body, this is all wrong, everything about this place is wrong. You don't listen, you have no humanity, please just end this because I can't take it anymore." He pleaded, and I couldn't just sit there, I whipped around, grabbed my quill and a fresh sheet of paper. Wracking my brain for something, anything, to save this dwarf.

' _Should've spun a story_.' Varric's words. That's it! I wrote in the clearest handwriting I could, then held it up in clear view where the dwarf could read but Leliana wouldn't think anything of it.

' **Earth. Michael Jackson. I can help.** ' It was the clearest I could do under such pressure.

He saw it, and thank god he recovered quicker than I thought he would, because he turned back to Leliana, "Sorry, that was a moment of weakness. Not very well at the moment."

I whipped back around and wrote again. ' **Lie. Not carta. Merchant Guild. Friend of Varric Tethras**.' And held it up for Michael Jackson to see.

Leliana seemed to wait for him to continue, "I'm not from the Carta, I'm Merchant Guild. You know Varric Tethras? He and I go way back, he'll vouch for me if you let him."

I gave him an ecstatic thumbs up and a beaming smile, shoving the two pieces of paper in my pockets and standing up, "Excuse me, Lady Nightingale. Shall I go fetch Varric? Maybe he can settle this matter."

Leliana eyed me, but I just started her down, trying so hard to appear innocent as I did. Then she raised a hand to her head, "Go. If it will deal with this quickly then go. Immediately."

At that moment, I ran as fast as I could for Varric's campfire. Leaping over the brick wall and landing squarely on the dirt, bracing my knees.

Almost panicked, I turned and knelt down in front of Varric. "Please. Favour. I need a story. There's a dwarf, Jackson, with Leliana. He's been held in the cells. He's my friend. She'll kill him. Please spin a story. If you convince her he's from your Merchant Guild days, she'll let him go. Please Varric, I'll explain once he's free and safe."

His eyes went from pleasantly curious to dead serious in an instant. It was quite the sight. "In her tent?"

I nearly cried with relief. I just knew that this dwarf was like me. I just knew I had to save him. "Yes, thank you Varric. I owe you all the drinks."

This was why I chose him. He would do a lot for his friends, and he would understand and expect that of everyone else. Thank god. Not so bad for thinking on my feet, yeah?

I worked on schooling my face as Varric lead the way back around to Leliana. Michael Jackson was still there, kneeling before her in chains. I kept my face calm, collected, as I stood behind Varric.

"Nightingale, Spitfire here tells me you've got one of my friends in chains? What's that?" He said, walking closer into the tent, and standing next to Michael Jackson, who looked up at him with utter relief and glance back at me for a moment before facing forward again.

Leliana looked just about done with this whole thing, "He was rambling, would not tell us who he was. Said the strangest things."

"That's him for you, funny old Jackson with his pranks." Varric clapped him on the shoulder, "I can't believe you've been treated like this, the Merchant's Guild will have a lot to say about it, wouldn't ever trade with the Inquisition again." The words were heavy, and they hung in the air, tangible and clear as day.

Leliana nodded, "Understood." She gestured, and a scout stepped forward to unchain Michael Jackson and then leave. "He may stay with you."

I couldn't help the sigh of heavy relief as Varric helped him up, the skinny dwarf was even shorter than the other one, and helped him out towards his campfire.

Michael Jackson eyed me heavily, thankfully, on his way out. His eyes were so unbelievably thankful, I had to look away.

And instantly bore the calculating stare of the Inquisition's Spymaster. "Why have you not returned to your duties?"

I made a face, but this time I wouldn't shy away. I couldn't just grin and bear it, do what I was told like a meek little thing. I was better, prouder, than that. I was my mothers daughter, and I wouldn't take this any more. "What did I do to make you feel like you owned me?"

She didn't flinch, merely stepped closer, "Whilst you are with the Inquisition, there are certain things expected of you."

"Expected of an elf, you mean?" This time I matched her step, going to toe to toe with her. It was liberating, "You ask Solas to help out in the healing hut, and Sera goes to string bows for your own scouts at all hours of the morning, while Vivienne, and Varric, and Blackwall are all just here. Sure they help when they want, but it isn't expected of them."

"Blackwall helps Cullen train the soldiers-"

"That's only because he feels he must. As a Grey Warden." My knuckles cracked as my fists closed. And somewhere I laughed, imagining what this image looked like to anyone watching. The red-headed elf, a full foot shorter than the Spymaster, glaring at her with all the strength of rebellion. Must be quite the sight.

"I told you when I first got here. I'm a dancer. A performer. Someone who belongs by Vivienne's side, by anyone's side, as their protector and knife in the dark. If you want to call me a bard, fine. But I won't let you treat me, or any other elves in this way anymore, you hear? I'm done. Write those damn reports yourself, or get an actual paid assistant."

Leliana was silent for a long time. Simply looking at me in this light. I'd been silent, mostly, the whole time in her company. She'd never seen me like this.

"You will speak for them, then? The elves."

"For anyone who is treated as less. If I must, I will."

Then, literally, the last thing I expected her to do, was smile. It might have been as cold and calculated as the rest of her demeanour, but it was still a smile. "Finally. One can never be quite sure, not with people you do not know."

I stepped back, kinda scared, kinda liking it, "Pardon?"

"It was a test you know. We needed to see how far we could push you, now your true colours have been revealed." She stepped away, and walked back to her desk, "Your days are free now. You were never a servant."

I was still in shock as I turned and literally ran away. Fled the place. My fingers were dead and numb, I'd taken so many orders I didn't need to, all for a test?

Fucking Thedas, man.


	9. Transparent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elaine gets a story then a bump in the road

Varric. He was by far my favourite person in Thedas. Well, aside from Vivienne. After picking up a regeneration potion from Adan, I found that Varric had given him a blanket, a waterskin, and a few slices of bread with cheese. They love cheese in Ferelden.

It'd only been 20 minutes, yet he looked so much better than before.

Pushing my hood back, I ran a hand through my hair in utter relief, "I literally can't believe that worked." I said, collapsing on a log next to Varric.

Michael Jackson eyed me, idle grin on his face, "Yes. Well. Not the first time I have had to lie like that to save my skin."

I nearly laughed, mostly I was still shocked.

Here, right in front of me, there was proof that I wasn't alone. Real life proof.

"Me neither, takes me back." Varric grinned, but then stood up, dusting off his coat, "I'd love to stay and chat, but I think I'll leave you be." He shot me a look that told me he'd want an explanation, yet wandered off anyway.

I handed the potion to the dwarf next to me, "Drink. It'll help I swear."

He eyed it, and gave it a sniff before shrugging and downing the whole thing. "What's in that? And where can I get more?"

Poking at the campfire, his joke didn't make me laugh, I muttered, "I admit, I don't know where to start."

He nodded, and I turned to him, "What about names?"

I paused, tossing up. Here, my name was Elaine. It was a pretty cover, a stage name even. I liked it, but it wasn't mine.

But this dwarf was like me. I _should_ be able to trust him with the right name. I hadn't heard it in a _year._ "Here, my name's Elaine. What's yours? I know it can't possibly be Michael Jackson."

His mouth quirked up as he nodded. Like he understood how protective I was over my real name. But he wasn't about to do the same, "Well... Lillie. Lillie Sai. If it even matters."

At this my eyes shot open, "Lillie?"

"Yep." He shifted, "I told her. _Everything_ here is wrong. This is _not_ my real body." His (actually, I suppose her) chin wobbled a bit, "I'm not _right_."

"Hey, Lillie- it's okay, you aren't alone, you hear me? You're _not_ alone." I was at that point too, throat dry and back of my eyes tingling as I reached out and pulled Lillie into a hug.

She sobbed into my shoulder for a while. Seemed she just needed to let it out.

"Sorry. I have been in the cells for a while, needed to let my guard down." Lillie pulled away, wiping furiously at her eyes and nose.

I swallowed, "I've been alone. For over a year. Stuck in this place. I feel you."

"Where exactly _is_ this place?" She said, looking back around, eyes widening when the Breach came into view.

"It's called Thedas." I replied cautiously, looking around for any listening ears before whispering, "Did you play for a lot of ...computer games? Back home?"

"No time. Or money."

Nodding, "I'm not sure how, but this world is basically the Dragon Age games. I don't know if somehow we're on a different planet, or we're just dreaming. But that's the way it is."

Lillie seemed to take a second to focus, to absorb the information. Her dark eyebrows knotted, "You are saying... we are in a ... computer-game?"

"Yes."

"Wow. So this ... this is not ... real?" Hope dawned for a moment on her face, but at this I tensed.

" _No_. If you think like that, nothing will change. The only way to get _back_ is to go _through_." Decidedly leaving out my Escape-By-Death theory out of this conversation.

"How old were you? Back home?" She asked, eyes back on the Breach and slowly sipping from the water-skin.

"Twenty."

"I think your body here is younger." She said, "Elven. Your ears."

I snorted, "Load of good that is. Elves aren't treated very well."

"Can't imagine female humans in male dwarven bodies are either." Lillie replied, eyes downcast and shoulders slumped in dejection.

"There _are_ people like that here. You aren't _alone_. Remember that, and you'll be okay."

We talked more, and Lillie told me more about her life before as she ate the food Varric provided. In her early thirties, she had been a police-officer, born in New-Dehli India but moved to Melbourne, Australia in her late teens with her Dad. When she mentioned him, she started tearing up again, but I took her hand and and squeezed it.

In exchange, I told her of my home. We moved from Ireland to England; Mum, Dad, two older brothers and sister. I hadn't been back to Ireland in two years, but it had always been home to me.

"I left them to chase my dream. Stupid now, but I was a dancer. I loved it, I had no cares, I was happy in the chorus, you know? I haven't ever been good at anything else."

"I miss home." Lillie said, echoing my thoughts.

"Me too."

Later, I helped Lillie over to the tavern for dinner. Still discussing theories, and what we'd tell others here.

"Varric called you Jackson before, are you..."

"Comfortable with that? No, but... what about Jacks? I do not want to be marked as different in this world. Not now. Not yet."

I took a huge gulp of ale. Long day. "Are... you sure?"

She breathed deeply, "Yes. But -between us, when we're alone- Lillie. Please."

"Okay. Then, next thing. How we know each other. People won't buy a dwarf and an elf being friends without asking for the story."

Quickly, we decided that we'd grown up together running around Lydes, childhood friends. Easiest way to go. Then (Because it was what we told Leliana) it was decided that I'd stayed to take care of Alice while 'Jacks' left to join the merchants Guild. From there Lillie could make it up herself.

"Enjoying reminiscing about the past?" Varric interrupted, slamming a mug and a plate laden with food down in front of him and pulling up a chair.

"Yeah, been takin up all the space you are." Sera followed soon after, somehow managing to drag a stool, gnaw on a meat-covered bone, and talk all at once, "Shove over."

"Jacks, this is Sera. And you already know Varric."

"Heard you were in the cells. It's rank in there innit?" Sera chimed in, addressing Lillie across the table.

From the we were able to literally just bullshit our way through childhood adventures and different questions. People always say lying is hard, but it really isn't as long as you keep it vague enough that people fill in the blanks themselves. They don't want to believe that they're being lied to, so they pretend you're not. Easy.

Both Sera and Varric offered to have Lillie sleep in either of the cabins, but she said that she'd better go to Varric's. I made sure that on the way out she was comfortable, and that she felt safe enough to do so before she went off in the opposite direction.

Sera caught me as I watched them leave, "First time I seen you worried."

"Really?" I deflected, pushing away from the table, "I thought I constantly looked that way. Catch you later." And left the tavern, in no mood to play cards with her, and Blackwall.

On the way past Solas, I noticed him writing in a journal outside his cabin, and greeted him without realising, "Solas."

"Elaine." He replied, looking up almost startled, watched me for a moment before continuing writing.

Opening the door to the cabin I shared with Sera, I stretched and yawned as I eyed the flickering lantern to the left of the door before-

"There you are, my dear. I was wondering where you disappeared to."

"Jesus christ! Vivienne! You scared me!" I jumped, always had that flinching reaction to surprises. I could barely see her in the dark, but then I noticed a shadow on the right move, and then all four lamps in the room lit up.

Well. She didn't look too impressed.

"I heard about your _exploits_ today, _darling_. Do tell me what possessed you." She said, shifting her weight back onto one leg.

I shed my coat, collapsing on the bed, "Now? It's been a long day."

"Yes." She slowly sat down next to me, eyes guarded.

I repeated the story of what happened today. They one I'd fed Varric. Where I was confronted with a friend who faced death, and did all I could to help him. No matter who I pissed off.

Her lips pursed, and it came as a shock to me that I couldn't tell what she was feeling. "This dwarf. You are friends?"

"Childhood friends, yes."

"I think you are lying. I think that every word you have said to me since we met was a lie. Tell me the _truth_ , darling, and give me a reason not to report you, and your friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoa. plot twist. did NOT expect that to happen.
> 
> i hope this was clear? I hope i maybe didn't go too far, please tell me if i did.
> 
> With Lillie, the pronouns i'll use will fluctuate depending on what name is in use. So if Elaine refers to her as 'Lillie', then it will be she/her. but in company, when Elaine is saying 'Jacks', it will be he/him. over all, it shouldn't be too hard to follow. 
> 
> long a/n is long


	10. You can't handle the...

"You gonna report me, Lady Vivienne? Clap me in irons, lady Vivienne? Midday viewing of my hanging, Lady Vivienne? I would stick around for the refreshments and those delicious tiny cakes, but a broken neck isn't exactly in fashion."

"Enough." She said, positively _oozing_ authority. But you know me, I just don't know when to stop.

"What else do you want from me, My Lady? Wash your clothes? Fetch your food? Tend to your horse? I must admit, I'm not the biggest fan of horses but for My Lady Vivienne De Fer I would leap over my fears in a heartbeat at the flick of her fingers." My mocking, sarcastic tone was probably undercut by the dead serious tone.

What? I had never, ever, reacted well to threats or challenges. Even though, to be fair, this threat was a far cry from my sister threatening to tell mum I ate all the chocolate in the house.

Vivienne, to her credit, didn't break. Her face remained impassive and unimpressed by my performance.

Collapsing on the edge of my bed, I began to undo the buckles and laces on my boots. Ditching layers in an effort to be more comfortable.

"Are you quite finished?" She asked, moving to stand over me.

I shot her a tired look as one boot tumbled to the floor. The thud the only thing cutting through the tense silence.

"I could continue. But I would rather talk this over without anyone making threats- and sarcasm."

"You are the only one being sarcastic, my dear."

"I know. Is it not rather irritating?" I sat back on my bed, leaning against the cabin wall. "What specifically do you want to know."

"Your friend. Who are they?"

"That isn't my story to tell. I can really only speak for myself." I would _never_ give Lillie away. Not without her express permission.

"So be it." She replied and regally sat down across from me on Sera's bed. "Where are you from?"

"You sure you want to know?"

"Tell me." Ah, first spark of impatience.

"Ireland."

"An island. Really."

" _No_. _Ireland_. It's far away. Lived there for most of my life. And then, somehow, I woke up in Lydes. Almost two years ago. I have no bloody clue how I got here." Earnest, truthful, that was the way to go.

Her eyes were still guarded and her face remained unchanged.

"Honest! My best theory currently is ... I somehow broke through the fade on my side, and popped out of a rift this side." I lifted a shoulder, trying to channel a casual vibe, "I knew you wouldn't believe me. Who would? Here, anyone who is different is killed, persecuted, shunned, or a delicious cocktail of all three."

Vivienne seemed to take a long time to process. Looking me dead straight in the eye.

"What as it like. This... Ireland?"

"Well, there's two parts to it. North and south. My family was from the south, we lived a fair distance away from any civilisation, I remember hating traveling like two hours just to go to school."

She sat up straighter, "School? You are-"

"An elf. Ha. Noticed." I grinned but then reached over to my bed-side table table. Grabbing my journal out, and my old pencil-case.

After all this time, half of my pens had ran out of ink, and the pencils all sharpened to nubs. One out of the two erasers I had was almost completely gone.

I turned the journal over in my hands. Then emptied the contents of the case out onto my bed.

She leaned over, picking things up and inspecting them carefully.

"Where I come from, the majority of people are educated starting at five years old; and it goes on until we're 18 for some people. And you can do more if you like."

Shock, and awe, were what I got from her as she put a pen up to her eye and looked at the mechanisms inside it.

"Here," I said, reaching for it, and then taking it apart. Lying each individual piece next to each-other.

"There's no magic where I'm from. No fade, no demons. But, there's magic in science -not that I understand it well- and technology." I reached under my bed. To the bag I's carried for two years. There, at the very bottom, was my long-dead phone. The screen still cracked. It was a silly thing to hold on to, I know, but like my dancing-shoes, it became sentimental.

She turned it over in her hands, holding it delicately, as if it might burn her, "We must look like imbeciles to you." She breathed.

It was true, but I kinda wanted to spare her feelings. "To be honest, in this place, I'm the clueless one. I'm far from home and, the only reason I've survived so long is _luck_ , and _you_ , my lady." I swallowed down a lump, I really was about to cry again. Damn. I was emotional today. Then I beat down the little voice that was telling me to stop talking, to not tell her any more because goddamnit I was playing with fire.

And I handed my journal over to her. "My hand-writing is terrible, and it's mostly drawings. But this will explain a lot about me."

I began to pack up as she stood leaving my phone on Sera's bed.

She paused in the door, only turning slightly, "I will keep your secret, my dear, until I am satisfied."


	11. There and back to see how far it is

Anya came back. 

Thank fuck because I was going nuts just waiting for something to happen.

I hadn't spoken to Vivienne in days. Only seen her in passing, hunched over my journal in the chantry as I made my way through.

Now that my time was free of Leliana's bossy attitude, I could do whatever I wanted with it. Which was good, if a little disorientating. 

I'd wake up at the same time as normal, eat with the elves, and then spend an hour with the soldiers, by then a few scouts were up, and I'd offer to help. 

Scout Harding. Such a sweetheart. If I would pick one word to describe her it'd be 'wholesome.' She wouldn't be around often, usually out in the field for a week and then she'd come back. I caught her on a week she was in Haven.

I'd run around helping the scouts for a while, then go back to the training area. By then, Lillie was up, and silently watching Cullen train the troops.

It was at this point in the day that Anya returned. Sunlight hitting her silver hair and casting a halo. Man, it's like religious symbols just follow her around.

 Anyway-

"Their hand-to-hand is sloppy. It's more like grappling or wrestling than actual self defence. There's no way they'd survive long if they lost their sword." Lillie said, crossing her arms and shifting back onto one leg.

 I turned to her, "You know how to-?"

"I know quite a bit about self defence, Elaine. I was a female policeman. Had to, I was always shorter than everyone else." She laughed, "Guess there's a much bigger height-difference now."

"Why don't you offer to help? You still know how to fight."

"I can't use a sword."

"Blackwall would definitely help with that. Or Cullen." I said, this would help her I was sure. Give her a direction to pull her out of bad thoughts.

She did seem to seriously consider it. She did actually want to help. "Alright then, I'll ask Cullen. He seems to be the guy to do it." 

"He's very busy, so try to catch him at a good time." I warned, remembering his tendency to bark at anyone who interrupted his work in-game.

"Of course." She said, "Hey, who's that?" Squinting past me towards the road, I looked the same way.

And was greeted with the sight of the Herald and her party cresting the hill, sun beaming over them tinged with that sick fade-green colour of the Breach.

"That's the Herald. Anya Adaar." I muttered to Lillie as they got closer, "The mark helps her close the rifts."

"Ah. Handy." She replied distractedly.

Ha ha. Handy. Bet she didn't even realise how funny that was.

"They have horns." She whispered, as if in complete awe.

 That was when I noticed Iron Bull. He wad legitimately huge. I thought Anya was tall, but he was at least a few feet taller than her.

"Like elves or dwarves, they're a race called the Qunari." I told her, watching them as they drew closer to the stables.

"They are... hot." She said, slightly fanning herself, "The big one. What's his name?"

I nearly replied, but then thought better of it. I couldn't look like I knew what was going to happen. That would put me in the shit. "Not sure. Want to go ask?"

She shook her head vigorously, "I need a minute."

 I had a flash of concern before I dismissed it. Lillie would tell me if there was something seriously wrong. So I said goodbye and wandered over to Anya. 

"Pleasant trip, Anya? D'you find the soldiers? Was the Storm Coast stormy as promised?" I said, leaning away from her horse.

She managed to get off the horse and be graceful at the same time, "Seemed as if the rain worsened when we got there."

I nodded, and leaned around to grin at Sera, "Hey you."

 "Hey you! Shoulda been there, loads of fun that was." She wrung out a clump of still wet hair as she slid sideways off her horse, landing on her feet like a cat. 

"Even the Fallow Mire?"

"Urgh. Armpit of Thedas, that place." She shuddered, "Take days to scrub it off."

"How bout drink it off? First round on Varric." I bit down a grin as she wandered off, each step making a squelching noise in her wet shoe.

"Elaine. I'd like you to meet The Iron Bull, he's the leader of the mercenary band I went to get." Anya gestured me over, and I suddenly felt like a child, standing next to the two horned giants. I never realised just how short I was until that moment.

"Where are the Chargers, Iron Bull? I read a report that said they would follow." Plus I really really really wanted Krem to get here so I could introduce Lillie.

"They are behind, took the long way round." He said, eye narrowed down at me, and at my hair. I hadn't bothered to put my hood up as often in Haven. There was no need to hide.

 Oh. The hair. He liked red-heads. I'd forgotten.

"I need to get to the War Room, would you please find some space for Bull? The Chargers are good to sleep with the soldiers but, Bull here will accompany us on missions."

 Grinning, I knew exactly which tent to give him. Turns out I'm canon guys, or I made canon come about? I don't really know.

What I also don't know; what would have happened if I found a different place for him rather than next to the stables?

Unlike in the game where there's just one random tent there, in real-life Haven there was a whole row of them against the wall, and then more continuing on the other side.

 Plus there was a tent-city essentially directly behind Solas's cabin that wasn't there in the game. Guess it would just take to long to implement but, that's where the majority of people live.

"Here we are," I opened the tent flap, "Tallest tent in Haven. There aren't any cabins left, so this is first class."

He leaned in, tossed his sword and a ruck-sac in before leaning out, "So, your name's Elaine? For an elf, you're pretty stocky."

 I blinked, not sure where was going but 50% sure it'd be sexual.

"Dancing will do that to a girl."

"Flexible, huh? And red-headed. Seems to be my lucky day." Jeez. Never thought I'd see the day Iron Bull turned that charm on me. Well, I'm calling it charm but that usually implies subtlety.

"Whoa nelly, not one to beat around the bush are you?"

He shrugged, "Life is short."

"Buy me a drink first, mate. I know a bit about the Qun, but I'll swap you question for question." Back home, I'd loved every scrap of info we got about the Qun, which was next to nothing. And while Anya was Qunari, she was Vashoth. She knew less than I did. 

Funny. Seemed I knew less about elves, even with my pointed ears, than I did about the Qunari.

 "You know about the Qun?" He eyed me, that one, scarred eye suspicious. I knew he was about as far from one of the faithful as could get while still of the Qun; but he was still suspicious enough to warrant my confusion.

Man, was everyone distrustful of me? Did I suddenly have one of those faces?

"Oh, you know, some of the language, the terms and hierarchy. Basic stuff." I turned leading him towards the tavern, I waved at Varric and Lillie on the way past, they were sitting at his campfire, "Tavern in 20, yeah?!"

 "You got it, Spitfire!"

"How d'you know that?"

"We had a few Tal-Vashoth pass through Lydes, where we lived, one was friendly. Besides, you pick up a thing for two just from listening."

He seemed to mull it over as I got us some strong drinks, and parked at a corner table. Sera was near the bar trying to bribe Flissa to give her a second helping of dinner, but she waved when she saw me.

I grinned back, then turned back to Bull, "So. Gonna answer my questions?" He knocked back half the mug in two gulps, "Go ahead."

I launched into whatever questions came to mind, quizzing him endlessly for what seemed like ages. Eventually Sera pulled up a chair, plonked a plate laden with food in front of her, and wordlessly dug in.

Varric came up as well with another round for everyone. By then I'd almost run out of steam by that point. "Where's Jacks?"

 "He went to talk to Cullen."

Ah. I withheld a grin. Jacks would only benefit from that exchange.

 "Jacks?" Bull asked, probably glad for my distraction.

"Dwarf. Spitfire's friend."

"Ah." 

"Oi, Herald! Over here!" Sera waved Anya over, as she trailed in with Blackwall. 

"Are we getting the whole gang together?" Varric asked, "Anyone for Wicked Grace?"

"You think after last time I still want to play cards with you?" Blackwall shook his head as he sat down.

All Varric did was grin in response.

Anya spoke up, "After. I'd like to talk to you all first."

"Someone's got to get Chuckes, then." Varric had a mischievous glint in his eye as he turned to me, "I nominate Spitfire."

"Why me?" I complained, but stood up anyway.

"Because I'll go an get Lady Vivienne. You two are fighting currently, right?"

 I turned serious at this. Not replying to him and walking away and out of the tavern. This time there was no creepy templar waiting for me, but you never know what could be lurking in the dark and snow.

The snow crunched under my boots as I walked up to Solas' cabin. Huddled closer into my coat, I knocked on the door and yawned as I waited.

I felt an odd itch, something brush over my hair, before the door opened.

"Anya needs to talk-" Suddenly I was confronted with a bare, surprisingly sculpted, chest. It took me a moment to register it before I stepped away, blinking up at Solas' amused look. "Something you need, Elaine?" 

"Anya's getting the inner circle together. Put a shirt on before your nips freeze and get over to the tavern." Blahhhh I just said the word 'nips' to the Dread Wolf. I just told Fen'Harel to put a shirt on.

This wasn't my week.

I made sure to sit very away from Solas when we got back. Shit man I'd just found out the Dread Wolf had freckles on his chest. How would you react? Exactly.

Vivienne somehow ended up next to me, and she offered me a disinterested look as she sat down. I didn't even try to talk to her, only glanced over another table and grinned at Jacks and Krem talking over drinks.

Only one who wasn't there was Dorian. And he would be soon.

Anya stood up. Her height and her mark caused the table to fall silent. I was glad it was late enough for everyone to have cleared out, I was sure this wasn't meant to be heard by the everyday soldier.

Anya put her hands on her hips. 10 out of 10 for that power-stance. "So. By now I'm sure you all know that we need more power for the mark, so we can close the Breach. That we've been talking about approaching the mages or the templars." She looked around, voice sure and proud, "It has been decided that I will go to the mages for help, while Cullen appeals to what reasonable templars there are left at Therinfall Redoubt."

Everyone was actually quite satisfied with this decision. Both sides would be represented, and both sides would have the opportunity to help.

Except... that wasn't how it was supposed to go. It was one or the other wasn't it? How was Cullen going to pull it off without the Herald?

But I was the only one confused. No one else was thinking the same thing I was. Everybody just accepted it. 

Across the table, Solas somehow managed to catch my eye, because he was looking at me. As if trying to see my reaction. Glancing away, memory of a toned chest fresh in my mind, I turned back to Anya.

 "I need two teams. One with Cullen, one with me, one to stay. I will take volunteers if there are any preferences." She looked around at the table.

 I waited, to see who would go where. Bull volunteered for the templars, so did Sera. Solas, Cassandra and Varric put their hands up to go with Anya to see the mages. Blackwall and Vivienne were chosen to stay.

That left an uneven party for the templars, so I agreed to go with Bull and Sera. Unanimously, it was agreed that no mages go to appeal to the templars. It was too dangerous, we wouldn't know how they'd react to them.

So my first venture out of Haven since I arrived a few months ago would be to appeal to the templars to help.

Oh joy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is sooooo long. so long. ridiculously long.


	12. Fun and games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> making up with some tea and a warning, another new face of someone unexpected, and i guess elaines a bard

"Darling, a moment?" Vivienne called me over as I made my way past Leliana's tent. She opened the door to the chantry and gestured for me to follow.

I did. Nothing else for it really. She had power over me no one else in Thedas had.

When we got to her space she plucked something off the desk and tossed it to me.

I fumbled a bit, taken by surprise, but caught it anyway. It was my journal. Looking up at her, heart in my throat, trying to gauge her reaction. Her expression wasn't cold like I'd been expecting. In fact, the traces of a sympathetic smile played at the edge of her eyes.

Tension somehow released, and I took my first unburdened breath of fresh air.

She gestured for me to sit down, and she poured two cups of tea and passed one over to me. We silently drank for a moment before Vivienne spoke.

"You are a _very_ long way from home, my dear." She didn't look at me, but I sensed something in her voice. Concern? Maybe... Sadness?

I didn't say anything. Only sipped my tea and waited for a reply.

"You knew me. The instant you saw me." She finally turned towards me, but I couldn't look at her. I couldn't physically make myself turn. "You knew everyone."

"No." I breathed, "I didn't know Anya. I didn't know a lot of people."

"My dear. There are some disturbing things in that journal."

The tea tasted absolutely fabulous.

"Your 'friend' Jacks is a stranger, but like you."

"Yes." I hadn't mentioned the real name and gender part in my journal. Too many prying eyes to risk Lillie's life.

"You call this world a game."

"That's what it was. A computer game. A choose your own adventure. Full of choices and paths to take." Taking a deep breath, I finally turned her way, clutching my journal in a shaking hand. "Now though, the choice is yours. I owe you, _so_ much more than you know, for taking me in."

She regarded me, her eyes searching, "You know more about me than you let on."

"Yes. About everyone."

"You know of Basiten. Of my past. You know know of my plans to save him."

Shaken, I placed the tea cup back on the desk to my left, then turned to her. I wanted desperately to hug her. Madam De Fer. She was known as The Iron Lady, did you know that? A lot of people feared her only by reputation. Yet I had only received kindness, generosity, and fairness. When she first saw a slightly taller, slightly musclier, outspoken and  _different_ elf, her first instinct had been to offer me a job.

She was a special person. All she wanted to do was help who she cared for.

I didn't want to be the one to tell her that Bastien would die either way. Snowy wyvern or regular, it was his time to go.

"I do." I replied slowly, "I don't know what the specifics are. Merely some aspects."

"The potion."

"Yes."

"Please tell me, Elaine my dear. I am desperate to save him. I must." Her eyes were iron, yet her tone was almost begging.

"Your potion. Have you completed it yet?"

"No."

"Ask me again, when you do. Or when it becomes necessary." I chickened out, I would tell her when she needed to know, or I could somehow ruin the timeline, alter reality, and all that Doctor Who crap.

It... almost seemed like she expected me to say that. "You're not suprised?"

"No, my dear. You, are the rare person who will only interfere when it is needed. You have watched, and waited, and learned. All without complaint. Your world is vastly different, darling, yet you are not only surviving, but thriving, in mine." She reached over and took both of my hands in hers. And I looked up to her extremely serious eyes. "The next time you consider your... 'theory' for returning home. You _will_ come to me. You will _not_ consider such a thing without seeing me first."

I could only nod. She seemed satisfied with this as she released my hands.

"I want to see you in my cabin for lunch tomorrow. I have missed them over this last week."

I took it as a dismissal and stood up. "Yes... my lady."

"You do not have to call me that. You are one of the only people excempt."

Laughing, I turned away, "That's me. The exemption. Always."

"Hold on, one last question." She held up a hand so I turned away from the main area, where I'd caught a brief sight of of Anya walking past.

"Your ears." Vivienne's eyes burned onto mine, "You were human."

"Best not to dwell. I don't." I said, forcing a smile and turning away. Waving before following after Anya.

I'd wanted to talk to her for a while, for wanting to go after mages and templars not just sticking with one. I'd gotten used to people in this world thinking in black and white, while Anya Adaar was like... dead set on being neutral. It was almost funny.

I was muddled a bit, but still walked up to her as she chatted with Leliana out front of what I understood was the door that led down to the cells.

 _What were they doing there_?  

"Jacks told me you wanted a word." Anya turned to me as I cautiously wandered up.

"Yeah if you have time."

"I will after this. If you'd like to come along for a while."

 _Just go with it._ I shrugged, "Cool cool." And followed a few steps behind Anya down the tunnel to the cells.

It was rank in there. Damp, cold, I could hear a faint dripping noise. Smelled like utter shit.

It was rather echoey too, around the dripping and the odd groan, I could hear singing, reverberating faintly back up the tunnel to us.

Keeping my mouth shut, but kinda wondering what was down there. I tried to peek around Anya but she took up the whole passage. Her neck hunched over to avoid bumping her head.

The singing got louder as we got closer, and for some reason I only just recognised it. Back in the theatre the dancers, the actors, and musicians, all liked to hang around under the stage after a show. We'd make music, folk songs and improv, anyone could join in and anyone could dance to it. I'd liked joining in with the music, I'd sung and danced my fair share.

The voice in the cells was male, baritone. Absolutely lovely, made me feel warm. Singing a Fereldan tune, all clipped and swing.

"Where _is_ that coming from?" I finally broke the weird tension.

Leliana pulled a clipboard much like Josephine's off the shelf.

" _That_ is what the Herald is here for." She replied, flipping some papers.

I was still looking for the source of the singing.

"Casimr Ramache. He has been down here for a while, he has outright stated that he took a contract on Divine Justina's life." Her tone was gossipy, and I was just eating it up. Lived for gossip, I did, dancers are like that. Well, most of the ones I knew anyway.

Anya nodded, "Which cell?"

Leliana led her to a cell around the corner, and then returned.

I pursed my lips at her, and decided to break the silence when the singing stopped as Anya engaged Casimr in conversation.

"Isn't Ramache the name of an Orlesian noble house? I remember performing for a bunch of them." I asked her.

She nodded, "They are well known, and have very high status in the grand game."

"Right." My arms crossed, and I leant back onto one leg, "I've never heard of a Casimr Ramache."

Leliana hadn't looked up from her clip board, "This is because he is a bastard. The only one acknowledged by the family." She said this so casually I just ended up shrugging and filing the info away.

The dripping noise and the faint murmering of Anya and the guy talking made the awkwardness worse. I nearly started whistling, but I put on a good face because Leliana sure wouldn't be showing that she was feeling it.

"You find someone to replace me yet?" _Whoops_. Hadn't even meant to say that. Been a long day, no excuse to sass the spymaster though.

"Yes." At this she looked up, and in the dim light I caught some emotion in her eyes, a hesitation before she spoke again, "I ... meant to speak with you."

"I am, as they keep telling me, all ears."

"It was not my intention to test you so harshly. You understand my position involves a certain degree of-"

"Mistrust?" I supplied helpfully, "Blatant outright hostility?"

"Caution." Yet she was nodding anyway, as if she felt she deserved what I was saying.

I... had always been a fan of Leliana to tell you the truth. She had a bad rep, and a shady past, but who didn't? In this world, everyone was hiding something. If you trusted someone instantly you were sure to end up with a knife in the back one day. So I nodded, seating myself on the edge of the desk.

"I'll take that as the apology it is." Glancing back over to where Anya disappeared, I was fidgeting with my hands a little. I watched my feet as I flexed and pointed my toes. Flex, point. Flex, point. "The truth is, I considered being a bard. Like you were. I just... well bards are spies and skilled assassins, thieves and whatever they need to be really- but they're artisans second. I'm... not. I'm a dancer first and foremost, who can act a bit and play music a little. I just happened to pick up a set of daggers, and a book on how to use them." Point, flex. Point, flex.

She nodded again, but turned my way curiously, "You would never consider that life?"

"For the right reasons. Or ... the right cause."

The quiet between us this time wasn't awkward. It was as if we'd come to an understanding. We'd made enemies of each other needlessly, and now steps had been taken to rectify that.

There was suddenly a clamouring as a cell- door was opened, and Anya led out a raggedly-dressed man with the look of someone who hadn't washed or seen a razor in days.

Casimr Ramache. 'Ruggedly handsome' were the right words. He was taller than me, full of lean muscle, gleaming hazel eyes with tangles of shoulder length chestnut coloured hair, dirty with the muck found down in the cells.

Anya passed the keys back to Leliana, "His contract has technically been filled, as the Divine is dead. He is to join Cullen's party at Therinfall in two days, as a test to see if he is fit for the inner circle. I trust that he will be taken care of?"

At this I stepped forward, "I'll help with that, I'll talk to you later. It wasn't urgent anyway." I could probably catch her tonight at dinner.

Anya smiled down at me in relief, as if checking something off a list, "Thank you, Elaine." Then she turned back to Casimr, who only eyed her cautiously as she stuck her hand out, "Welcome to the Inquisition, Casimr."

There was an unrecognisable glint in his eye as he shook her hand, a smirk dawning across his features, "I look forward to working with you. Lady Herald."


	13. My very own fetch quest

People actually seemed to know who Casimr was. He incited curious glances and hushed whispers, people walking past stopped to give us a wide berth as we walked out of the Chantry.  
  
He was dirty from his time in the cells yeah, but everyone still knew him. I'd only heard of his name.  
  
Casimr paid them no attention, only digging through the pack Leliana had returned to him, quietly cataloging things as he saw them.  
  
"That was you singing down there, yeah?" I'd become desperate to break the silence, I'd rather fill it with interesting conversation.  
  
He glanced up, a wry smile dancing across his face, "Yes indeed. You recognised it?"  
  
Nodding, "I danced to it."  
  
"A lady after my own heart." A full smirk dawned, and he replaced the pack on his back, "My weapons are missing. I cannot fight without them."  
  
"Hmm." I'd been leading him to Harrit anyway to requisition him some armour, maybe we could kill two birds with one stone. "Can they be replaced?"  
  
He appeared torn, but eventually shook his head, "One of a kind, they are. I believe I might have dropped them as I was captured. Outside the temple."  
  
"Hang on." I tugged at his arm, and even though he was much taller and stronger than me, he stopped. "You want to go back up there?" I nearly clotheslined a passing messenger as I pointed wildly at the Breach. "With all the demons and the fadey shit?"  
  
"Come on. It'll be very quick, well worth the journey." His eyebrows waggled, tone challenging.  
  
I'm so gonna regret this, "Varric! Grab Bianca! We're heading out!" I leaned around Casimr and shouted at Varric where he was hunched over writing in a book, Bianca resting against his leg.  
  
He glanced up, a smudge of ink on his cheek, "Where're we headed, Spitfire?"  
  
I made a face, and wordlessly jerked my thumb over my shoulder where the Breach was. "I'll explain on the way."  
  
***  
  
"So tell me, how do people such as yourselves end up in Haven?" Casimr was like me, one for conversation. "It must be a good story."  
  
"The seeker dragged me here, now I'm just... hanging around." Varric was leading the way, said he knew of a path around that was safer, so I couldn't see his face as he replied.  
  
"Plus we're the idiots who're living in a world where the sky spits demons." I joked, rubbing my fingers together for warmth.  
  
Casimr nodded, grinning, "At least in the dungeons I was not aware of what was happening. It's inescapable now."  
  
"You'd run?" I had the same thought a long time ago, yet I had loyalties here now. Roots.  
  
Varric scoffed, "You wouldn't run, given the chance? If you knew you'd get away with it?"  
  
"Oh yeah, outside of Vivienne's protection my dumb mouth would get me hanged for sure, but I'd run for the hills soon as look at you." Rolling my eyes, "Your head's in the clouds, Storyteller."  
  
Casimr seemed to be drinking this in, "I am unsure where would be a safe place to run, if I did."  
  
"Rivain is nice this time of year."  
  
"Yes," Varric agreed, "If the pirates don't get you, perfect holiday weather."  
  
We stayed quiet as we climbed the ladders, and didn't speak much through the caves. I found some silver pieces though, kept those.  
  
Once back outside, Varric stepped ahead again, "So, I know a small amount about you Prince-"  
  
"I am no prince." Yet Casimr seemed amused.  
  
I was walking beside him so I turned to offer him some advice, "Varric has a nickname for everyone. Best not to take it personally."  
  
Varric waved a hand, "As I was saying. I know a bit about you, but not all."  
  
"You want to know about me? That's rather flattering." Casimr laughed, "I'd much rather discuss a handsome writer such as yourself."  
  
Smooth. Very smooth. Varric was cunning yeah, but he was eating up everything Casimr laid out despite seeing right through it. It was quite funny to watch. I tuned out after a bit, choosing to watch as we drew closer to the Breach.  
  
I'd seen a rift of two, but I had never been so close to the Breach. Something about it tugged in my stomach, and I felt kind of light-headed, as if I was breathing proper air for the first time in years. Odd.  
  
"And you, Elaine? How does an elf of your prowess come to be in the service of the Inquisition?"  
  
"Smooth talker," I laughed, "It's a long and boring story, you save one noble and suddenly everyone thinks you're the shit."  
  
Confusion and amusement snapped in their eyes at the earthism, but Casimr moved on, "Varric says you were a Dancer, perhaps I have seen you?"  
  
"Attended the theatre often, have you?"  
  
"My profession takes me to interesting places." This time his smirk was sly.  
  
"Your profession. As in, art of murder? Bet they pay you well in that one, better than Dancing at least. Does it include dental?" I joked but inside I was kinda scared. Here was in front of me a real life assassin, a guy who would kill me in my sleep if the money was good enough.  
  
I'd only killed twice in my time here. The only thing allowing me to sleep at night was the knowledge that I hadn't known them, they were dead-beats, and someone else would have killed them eventually. It was a way of life here. But Casimr, he made an art out of it, it was his trade. Could we really trust him?  
  
Wait, should we really be getting his weapons back?  
  
"Why? Are you interested in learning?"  
  
"Hells yeah, anything to improve- I'm fine with these things but I've never had a formal teacher." I touched a hand to the hilt of one of my daggers as it rested at the base of my spine.  
  
He laughed, the kind where you throw your head back and your shoulders move, "If you wish."  
  
We found his knives easy, but didn't stop to dwell because being so close to the Breach made all of us uneasy.  
  
Varric helped me find him a place to stay when we got back, he ended up in the tent next to Iron Bull, so we introduced him to the Qunari, who then introduced him to Krem and Jacks.  
  
Casimr took all the new faces in his stride, and we all learned how much of an incorrigible flirt he was. I'd though Bull was bad, but Casimr made him look like he had the subtlety of a fuckton of bricks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect more chapters tomorrow


	14. Your worst nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a bad dream

Cullen was the leader, yeah, but he was just as nervous as the rest of us. In front of the few soldiers/scouts that cane with us he was the picture of a strong leader. None of us were idiots though, Bull could see right through it and kept trying to break the tension.

I rode next to Casimr, cause Sera for some reason gave him a wide berth and while he got along like a house on fire with Bull, the two flirted relentlessly. It would be an unwelcome distraction here.

We were talking animately about music-theory. It was good because I hadn’t had the chance to talk about this stuff to anyone. Not since I got to Haven. And Casimr seemed to be a font of knowledge on the subject.

I leaned over, “Why is Sera scared of you?”

He snorted, “She isn’t, she just doesn’t want to draw attention to the fact that we know each other.”

Bull, who had been eavesdropping, decided to chime in, “There’s a story there.”

“Not really.” Casimr waved a hand, “Just a clash between some Jennies and my Guild.”

“You’re not a Crow are you?”

At this he threw his head back and laughed, “No, fortunately. Though the Crows I have met certainly were… hospitable.”

“Which house then?”

“House Couteau. Based out of Orlais.”

“Never heard of it.”

“There’s a reason for that.” We fell silent after this. I put my concentration back into keeping the horse under control, still hadn’t gotten the hang of riding.

“Lord Abernache’s camp is ahead.” Cullen called back to the group.

Good, I’d just been beginning to wonder when we’d stop for the night.

Someone darted forward to take Cullen’s horse, and we all followed them as Cullen wandered off to find the Abernache lord guy that had gotten us this meeting with the Templars.

Cullen returned just as we got our own fire going. He was trailed by an older guy who kind of looked like a weasel in a toupee. Voice to match as well.

“There are the… people who will accompany us?” Sera glared at him, grabbed her bow and marched off in the direction of some trees nearby.

Cullen stepped forward, “Yes. They are here by request of the Herald.”

Because I’m a nuisance with no filter, I opened my big mouth yet again, “Besides. It’s not like there’ll be any _problems_ , we are here to help after all.”

Cullen hid his smile behind a cough, and then turned to the noble, “Lord Abernache. We will ride out at dawn. Everyone will be ready.”

Abernache marched off like he had a bad smell under his nose.

“Sorry about him,” Cullen scratched the back of his head, “He’s a little-“

“High-strung?” “Uptight?” “Snobby?” All three of us supplied at the same time. Before Cullen got the chance to reply Sera returned with two skinned fennecs and got diner started.

“Ferelden is lovely this time of year,” Casimr stretched, lying back on his bedroll, “Way better than the Free Marches.”

I sipped at a cup of tea. I’d taken to drinking one before bed to help get used to the extra sleep-hours. “You’re kidding. Ferelden weather is shit.” As I said this a large drop of rain landed on my forehead.

“You have a way with words.”

Gulping down the rest of the tea, I stood up and stretched, “I’ve heard that before. Well, I’m off to bed. Wake me up for last watch.”

***

You know, dreaming in Thedas isn’t the same as it is back home.

On Earth, I was never able to tell if I was dreaming. I’d ordinary just accept whatever weird events as the truth and go on with what followed.

Here, in Thedas, my dreams were often memories. Sometimes I would sit and watch them, trying to ignore the ache in my chest, trying to distance myself from what was happening. Other times I would be cast into my own head, and be living the memory once again.

If it was quiet, and I concentrated really hard, I would be able to _feel_ what was outside the dream. Sometimes there was a presence outside, or a few, and I would get a tug in my stomach if it I got a threatened feeling.

That night, my first night in Ferelden outside of Haven, I was dreaming of my best friend. We’d decided to crash a part at a University, one of those really posh ones, where the tickets are 80 bucks and all the drinks are free.

I watched as I got dressed up; a green velvet skirt and black lace top, pinning a sleek mask into place. Then rode in the back of an Uber to pick up my friend and head to the ball-room the event was at.

When we got there, we switched. I was in my own head, laughing and dancing with strangers at a party we’d lied our way into. My friend and I were on the dance-floor, the bass so loud my ear-drums were ringing, when I felt a tug in my stomach. Three times, almost like someone knocking, and a chill danced across my skin.

As sudden as the feeling came, the music stopped, everyone disappeared, and I was suddenly left alone.

“Fascinating.” A voice echoed out, before a familiar form wandered through the main door across the floor. Never thought I’d see Solas in a suit, but there you have it. He favoured navy blue.

He glanced around, and part of me knew I didn’t want him to see it, but I had no idea how to change the scene. He seemed different here, more threatening. This was his domain after all.

“You Dream with such focus. How?” He stopped a fair distance away, and all I could feel was a fearful anger. He was intruding and decided to ask me questions? Ha!

“Nice try - get out of my space, you scared off all the people.” Hands on my hips, I stared him down.

It only made him chuckle, “I did nothing. You became distracted and dissipated the wisps on your own.”

Ignoring that, “Whatever. What are you doing here?”

His eyes betrayed nothing except cockiness, "I happened across your Dream. And I admit I was curious.”

“You happy? Got your fill?”

“Not nearly.”

“If you think you can barge in on my dream and demand answers when you get confused you got another thing coming, mate.”

He seemed to be focused on something else now, as he stepped forward and regarded me. “That is a… rather fine outfit. And this room.” He gestured around, and his ease told me that he was the one in charge here, “You stated that you had never been at court.”

“This isn’t court. This is fun.”

“Indeed. Do you often consider places such as these fun?”

I promptly decided I hated the word ‘indeed’. “Only on days ending in ‘y’. Will you please stop badgering me?”

“I will stop when you give me a straight-forward answer, _nuvi'sulena_.” The elven rolled off his tongue naturally. Like the language belonged there. His expression grew serious, “How are you able to Dream like this? You aren’t a mage.”

“I’m special.” I grinned, then reached around to pinch myself. Ah, it stung but didn’t wake me up.

“Clearly you are more than what you present yourself to be.”

“Can tell just by looking, can you?”

“I do have eyes.”

“Quite nice ones, but that’s not what we’re talking about.” I gave up on the pinching, then moved over to a table.

I did not want him here any longer. He could do some serious damage. Maybe if I hurt myself? Nothing serious, a fork would do. I felt him step closer, like I could physically feel warmth and breathing close behind me. The weird chills broke out again, and I turned away from the table.

He’d ventured closer than I thought, and we were almost chest-to-chest. Backed up against a table, I refused to be the one to back off.

“You are avoiding my questions.” He murmured, bringing a hand up slowly, “It is quite vexing.” It was as if he was in a another world, speaking to someone else.

I opened my mouth to reply, tell him to back off, by my throat dried up as his fingers threaded through my hair. Tucking it behind my ear. His mouth parted, and his eyes widened slightly in surprise when he saw them.

Not pointed. _Human_.

Swallowing, my hand desperately searched the table for _something_. _I gotta get out of here_.

My fingers brushed something cold and metal. And without messing about I jammed whatever it was into my leg. Dessert fork. But it did do the job. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, I was wrenched out of the Dream. My stomach twisted violently, and before my brain had the chance to catch up completely I was out of my bedroll and hunched over a bush, emptying the contents of my stomach.

Casimr, who was on watch, wandered over as I stumbled back and landed on my ass. “What was that?” He seemed to be making fun of me, judging by his expression.

I made a face.

 _That_ was the worst dream ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> elven translation:   
> nuvi'sulena : pretend . he's essentially occusing her of not being who she says she is


	15. Walk right into Therinfall like we own it

I'd seen my fair share of old castles and ruins back home, sure. But Therinfall Redoubt had all the looming majesty of the lot of them combined. It was like the stone structure had just sprouted out of the ground one day, completely ready to be inhabited by templars and the like. It was amazing.

Abernache led the way with Cullen, we'd left the horses before we crossed the bridge so we walked.

I could almost here a weird drum beating, like an odd background ambiance sound. Weird.

I walked with Sera in the back, apparently it was strategic for the rogues to lay back until it was time to strike. Or so Cullen said, I just shrugged and did it anyway.

"This place is so creepy." I whispered to her just before we passed through the main gate.

"Yeah, too quiet." She replied, her hand subtly brushing over her bow.

I had this weird feeling in my stomach, that hadn't faded away since Solas marched into my dream like he paid rent. But it got worse when we were stopped by a Templar outside a set of doors.

I crossed my arms, ignoring the irritation at being made to stand around in the rain, as the dark skinned Templar I vaguely recognised from the game directed Cullen to a set of flags and instructed him to raise them.

Abernache as good as told him to screw the tradition, but I stepped forward with a smile. Needed to stick my nose in. "Excuse me, Commander. We are guests here. It wouldn't be smart to ignore tradition." I channeled my inner Vivienne and pretended I had a bad smell under my nose but was still grinning and bearing it as I spoke.

Abernache appeared as if he swallowed a lemon but Cullen nodded and raised the flags in the order he saw fit.

Chantry first. Then people. Then Templars. Odd. I'd thought he'd raise Templars second after the Chantry.

I offered a smug smile at Abernache as we followed after the Templar- Barris!- finally decided to lead us through a door, but suddenly we stopped. Seemed he was talking the scenic route.

It was a Knight Captain, he was wearing a helmet and his name was on the tip of my tongue (What? I'd only played through this Templar part like once. I usually just sided with the mages). He seemed... off.

It was at this point I regretted not staying back in Haven. Sure it was nice to help out Anya but I nearly got shot with an arrow today.

"All of those who doubt must be purged!"

Barris looked terrified, but still drew his sword to help us fight the group who had become Red Templars.

After we fought them off, I knelt down beside the corpse of Abernache, he wasn't bleeding out of his head yet, the arrow was clogging the wound. He was a jerk noble, yeah, but there aren't a lot of people who deserve an arrow through their head.

Except maybe some people in Tevinter?

It was ridiculous how long winded these passages were, and we met resistance and Red Templars at every turn. I turned to Barris, "You don't have any friends do you? We need to get the unchanged Templars out of here!"

Barris looked down at me as if a 5-year-old had given him orders. Right, he was noble born, probably wasn't used to elven women bossing him about.

Hadn't met me before though.

"Don't just stand there lead away!" I snapped, Cullen was a Commander yeah, but in this instance he was better suited to fighting. So I followed Barris with Cullen and the gang hot on our heels.

As we climbed some stairs, " _Those of the Inquisition, it's time we become better aquatinted_."

"Fuck off creepy voice! Fuck right off!" Sera yelled into the sky in reply behind us. Not having a very good time of it.

But I was distracted. I'd seen something really familiar out of the corner of my eye atop one of the scaffolds. A mess of blonde hair, and the shadow of a hat.

Wait, what was I talking about?

"What do you think to accomplish? What will you become?"

The stairs seemed really familiar. Like I knew I'd been here before, not physically but I'd seen it. There was a figure at the top of the stairs-

Shit- "Cullen wait!" Before I even registered, I dived for Cullen to stop him from getting closer. Somehow managing to get him by surprise, he stumbled to the side a few paces.

But I didn't notice. All I could see was a pair of red eyes, and feel cold hands wrap around my throat and drag backwards.

Then everything brightened, and the only thing I registered was a slight pain in my eyes as everything went white.

...

There was a ringing so loud it was the only thing I knew. I could feel it in my eyes, and in the tug of my stomach as the world around me twisted and shifted.

I knew where I was going, what was happening. I knew what I'd gotten myself into, and soon, Envy would know too.

A ruined corridor eventually blurred into focus, it was dark and gloomy, a weird fog hanging hanging around the ground. There were bodies too, husks that had been burned while they cowered, and were still aflame.

I swallowed, if Envy was trying to scare me, the fat demon was going the right way about it.

Stepping forward, I blinked once and suddenly two figures stood in front of me. Sera, and Cullen. This is all wrong, I shouldn't be here, _I'm not the Herald_.

" _Have I chosen the right form?_ " The same deep, disjointed voice echoed out over everything, but it was different, a slight accent rang over the others. " _Will it let me know you?_ " And suddenly Vivienne sauntered forward, seemingly emerging from the shadows. She seemed to hesitate, putting her hands on her hips and regarding me, " _You_."

I raised an eyebrow, "Me?"

Envy started to walk, somehow really nailing the swivel of Vivienne's hips, " _Many of my brethren have encountered you and yours before. You are the first I have seen._ "

I was outrageously curious and I don't have a sense of self-preservation anymore. So of course I opened my mouth, "Not sure what you mean."

" _The places between worlds have grown thin, Human. Only those with The Blood survive crossing over._ " Envy circled me, the voice not quite matching Vivienne's form.

I grinned, pointing to my ear, "Pointy ear, you see, I'm not human anymore." The Blood? What did that mean?

" _But you are. Inside. The more we speak, the more I know you... Elaine? No... that is not who you are_."

Can we panic now? I needed to get out of here, I needed to get back to the world, I couldn't believe a word this demon said.

"You should let me go, Envy. I know your plan, I know the Elder one, the Grey Wardens. All that shit. I'm going to help Anya stop it." If someone had told me when I first got to Thedas that I'd face down a powerful Envy demon with words as my only weapons I'd have them committed. But there I was, shaking in my undies, afraid to die, forcing the hand of the demon anyway. Funny how your life works out.

" _Your world is so appealing... I imagine it won't be difficult to cross back over once I've finished here. The Elder one would leave me with nothing to play with, you see. I get terribly bored._ " Envy's twisted grin looked terrifying on Vivienne's face. I watched in horror as a knife materialised in her hand, and she dragged it across Sera's throat.

Swallowed down a scream as I watched Sera choke, forcing myself to look away. Then I felt a chill across the back of my neck and whipped around, to find Solas standing there, I'd never seen so much malice in his eyes.

Envy was copying the Dread Wolf. And it didn't even know.

" _You are afraid, little girl. You don't have what it takes to stop me. Once I have you, I'll have your friends, and I won't stop until the entire Inquisition burns Thedas to the ground. And then-_ " He leaned closer, the grin almost a snarl as a murderous glint caught his eye. " _I'll come for the rest of your people in your home. Mum, Dad! All three of those brothers, and a sister! My, what a big family you have!_ " He seemed to mockingly put on a voice, it was mine though. My voice.

"If you think you could pull off being me you got another thing coming." I stepped forward, "There are a lot of people that know me here."

Envy grinned through Solas' eyes, " _But they don't really know you, do they little girl? Even now, your true name gets further away, and you barely recognise what you've become._ "

My jaw clicked, and I felt my teeth grind together. I couldn't let the demon bait me, I had to get out of there.

Solas brought the dagger up across his neck, and I forced my expression to be impassive as he dropped.

Then a shadowed husk lurched forward beside me, limping and hunched over. Her ears were pointed and her hair hung in limp strands. It... it _was_ me but... empty. She hissed, staggering back and looking back at me like I'd betrayed her.

Looking down, I noticed a knife coated in blood had suddenly appeared in my hand.

" _You would make a lovely stepping-stone on my way to the Herald. So many fears, such jealousy._ " Vivienne stepped around me, " _An incredible liar._ "

I glared as I watched the lesser version of me keel over, clutching her bleeding stomach. "Joke's on you, Envy. I've never been afraid of my own death. But I know who is."

" _It will amuse me to watch you run_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really let my brain get away from me here but oh well


	16. How to get to nightmare street (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Envy's dreamscape, Elaine takes charge

So far my day hadn't exactly gone to plan.

I'd figured out a long time ago that things to do with the Fade, or with magic even, made me feel sick to my stomach. The feeling had become familiar to me over the last year, and since the rifts opened it grew to become a defence mechanism. Sort of like my body going ' _hey kid, keep doin what your doin but be careful cause something's about to go down.'_

But when you're stuck in your own mind, in a construction entirely made by an Envy demon, the fade and its magic surrounding you and twisting everything you are or could be. Well, you can't be held accountable for your actions.

"Fuck off Envy! I wouldn't do that to Leliana! She might be a bitch but SHE'S HELPFUL WHEN SHE WANTS TO BE!" I waved my fist up in the air, watching a version of myself sneak into Leliana's hut and slit her throat.

" _See what will happen to your world when I become you? The Inquisition will welcome the Elder One with open arms!_ "

Moving forward, I ignored the 'me' shoving Anya down the steps to the dungeon, cringing as her screams echoed up to the wall of fire I suddenly found myself in front of. "Urgh!" There were doors to my left and right, but I was positive I needed to go forward.

" _After they all die at the hands of the Elder One?!_ "

"F-fuck off Envy!" For some reason I'd started shivering, and rubbed my hands along my shoulders to stave off the chill.

"You're hurting, helpless, hasty. What happens to the hammer when there are no more nails?"

" _What are you? Get out! This is my place!_ " Envy roared.

"Let's see what's behind door number one..." I said, turning to the left. I knew who the other voice was, I was relieved that there'd be a friendly face in this hellhole.

The room looked completely normal, considering I was half way between my own head or in the Fade.

Except the fireplace was against a floor with couches arranged neatly on the wall. Gravity was all wibbly-wobbly. It was cool but also terrifying.

The door swung shut behind me. "Ominous. But kinda liking it so far." I was left facing a bedroom set; the bed was on the ground as normal but both bedside tables, lamps and picture frames and all, were sat comfortably on the roof.

"I bloody hate the Fade." I stated the second I noticed it, turning around to leave.

"Wait."

And there he was, in the... well. I'd say 'flesh' but... "Cole."

Under his hat, his mouth tilted up in a grin, "You know me."

"I do!" I stepped forward happily, it was no use trying to hide from him. He was able to _read minds_. No way. "You can guide me out of here." I said, out if complete and utter relief.

"You are in your own head." He replied, "Leaving would be bad."

"Right, so... how do I get through."

"It won't be easy. Mirrors and mirrors of memories. A face it can feel but not copy. I want to help." At these words he tilted his head up to look me directly in the eyes. "Defiance burns so strong, pushing, pulling, changing, shifting, shaping. So far from home. So far from myself."

And for the first tome since I landed in Thedas, I let myself actually _miss_ home.

But I couldn't. Not here. Not when there was a literal _demon_ trying to become me.

"The Templars."

He nodded, and suddenly he was sitting on the bed across the room. "The lord seeker was angry, he wanted the Herald, but settled for you."

"Good to know I'm an adequate second choice."

He tilted his head to the side again, "I don't need to explain, you already know. "

Nodding, I squared my shoulders, "Let's kick this bitch outa my brain, yeah?"

"I will help."

I walked back out to the wall of fire. This time, I somehow didn't feel so alone.

"Think of water. Of steam rising from extinguished flames. You are you, and you have power here too."

" _That THING can't help you, I WILL see more!_ "

First thing that came into my head was Niagara Falls, and then the waterfall scene from Emperors New Groove. _Sharp rocks at the bottom? Most likely._

 _Bring it on_.

The firewall went out suddenly, the only indication that it had been there at all was a blackened, stone floor.

I'd thought knowing what was going to happen would help me. Turns out it just makes me constantly surprised.

" _Gah_! Jesus Christ Superstar!" I almost hit the roof when the sight of three shades surrounding me. Following me like shadows wherever I went.

" _Betrayed allies will curse your name! Like many before you you will bring blood, and fire, and fear!_ "

"Unless you don't. You don't have to. None of this is real unless you let it." Cole, still there, still a comfort.

" _Get out, Thing! I am learning!_ "

We passed a well that had demons pouring out of it, and a crowd gathered around a hangman's noose that had three bodies swinging from the neck. Jack, Varric, and Sera. It was at this point that I really wanted to kill something.

I hit a set of stairs, and let out a feral snarl as I dove for a group of shades, tearing them limb from limb. Drenching myself in blood and muck, and not stopping for a second.

I heard Envy laugh somewhere in the distance, cackling and cheering me on as I ripped the shades to shreds. It was as if I couldn't stop, didn't want to.

" _That's right! Watch who you will become when I am through!_ "

"You can only go further from here. You don't have to stay and fight. This is only real if you remain."

I tore myself away mid fight and darted up a set of stairs I recognised now. It was reflecting the layout of Therinfall. Thank god, that meant I was close.

"You are nearly there."

I was almost crying from relief as I finally reached the final stairs, breathing heavily as I reached the top.

Suddenly I felt something grab and wrench my shoulder back. With a yelp I was turned and shoved into the huge doors behind me.

It was... me. The same shadowed version of myself, except I wasn't dirty and injured. I was whole and real. And very, very _angry_.

It -I- yelled with Envy's whiney, horrific voice, " _Unfair, unfair! That thing kept you whole! Kept you from giving me your shape_."

I felt my lips twist into a sadistic grin as I choked, hysteric laughter about to bubble up, "You couldn't gain anything from being me. And when this is over, Envy, I am going to drive a dagger through your throat so torturously slow you'll meet the Maker."

It's eyes flashed, but it only hefted me higher by the throat. " _You'll-? No matter, we'll start again. More pain this time. The Elder One still comes_." And its hand glowed green as it reached up.

"It's frightened of you." Cole's voice was above, and I could barely hear it.

It looked to the side and up, " _Get out of_ -" There! It somehow forgot it had been holding me, and I grabbed the reaching hand, pulling it towards me and ramming my head into its.

Another flash of white, and my stomach gave the sensation of doing a full on flip before I was jerked back into the real world.

I didn't even stumble, pushing the Lord Seeker back with a sudden burst of strength. He crashed through the door behind him, the human guise of the Lord Seeker dropped and forgotten as the gross ass true shape of Envy finally revealed itself.

It leaned back, hissing at us before disappearing across the hall. "Get back here, Envy! So I can kill you painfully!" I dashed after Barris into the room.

The Templars in there chittered and stood up, and all watched in shock as four green barriers appeared at the end.

Barris blinked, "The Lord Seeker..."

"No- that was an Envy demon as you could so plainly see." I turned to Cullen and the others behind us, "Everybody okay? No broken bones?"

While everyone nodded and made affirmative noises, Cullen only stared at me.

"You are injured." He said, pointing to the hand-shaped bruises forming around my neck.

"I'll live." I replied, turning back to Barris, "This isn't over, Envy won't stop."

"He made sure we wouldn't be well defended." He sounded hopeless, "And we have no way of knowing who is corrupted. It was the Red Lyrium, our captains often give us new forms, and they even tried it first to prove it was safe." He looked up at me, anger in his eyes, "That Demon did this so we wouldn't question when it started."

I shook my head angrily, "Don't stand here feeling sorry for yourself- that thing is a demon. Are you Templars or have we come to the wrong place?"

The plan became one of time, the uncorrupted would stay and defend the hall we were in while the rest went and got the regular Lyrium cashes and veterans.

If I'm being blatantly honest- by the end, I wouldn't even be completely sure that it was worth going there in the first place. What little Templars there were left would probably help, but not as much as the mages Anya would either imprison or ally with.

I pulled Cullen aside before we left, "You go with the others, I can do more good fighting."

He looked down at me, confused, a little adorable crease forming between his eyebrows. "You're quite stubborn."

I laughed, stepping back and waving, "I'll see you on the other side, ray." The earthism was comfortable.

Sera shot me a look, hesitating on their way out, "Don't die, you."

"Oi, you can't either- you still owe me 20 gold pieces." I waved at Casimr and Iron Bull as they left. I knew they would be okay, I had lived and done this mission before in their shoes. Their route was safest.

Mine? I wasn't so sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitch, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.
> 
> im back, things came up, thats ok- in my absence i have cooked about 4 new chapters for Elaine, and I'm thinking of turning this into a series with other characters. A qunari mayhaps? only time will tell.
> 
> This chapter is split into 2 as it got quite long with it all together. 
> 
> Till the next time- so long and thanks for all the fish


	17. How to get to nightmare street (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: a bit of violence in this chapter as they fight through to Envy

Barris told me later that I'd scared them. Me! Can you imagine? The big scary Templar order, giant tin men with Lyrium blazing in their veins and murder on the edge of their swords. I, pointed ears and all, scared _them_.

What a day.

At first, it had only been a few crazed Templars fighting their way through to the Great Hall. Their movements were strong but slowed, so it was easy enough to dance back to avoid getting hit.

My allies for some reason didn't think I was capable against one on my own, so they kept trying to protect me. Stupid really, why did they think I stayed behind, to hand out drinks?

It steadily got worse, so I started to climb up on the platforms and jump down into the fray. Trying to take out as many of them as I could before hitting the ground. I flitted from shoulder to shoulder, slashing and digging and cutting my daggers through the necks of the men before I stopped to question how I let myself come to terms with killing so quickly.

The first time Cullen and the others came back, I landed in front of them with a barrel roll. Wiping my daggers on a nearby table, "Urgh. Don't let the blood touch you, stings like a bitch."

We fought off a small wave before they left again.

The next time they came co-ordinated. Archers posted above, trying to surround us and box us in before the real attack.

We had archers too, and I always had been an okay throw, so I just found any blunt or sharp object and piffed it up to try and knock them off balance. I turned to the chick next to me, a heavy ceramic bowl in hand, "What's your name, Templar?"

"It's Amai." She had a strong Scottish accent, where was it that they had those? Somewhere near Kirkwall... urrrgh couldn't remember.

"Pretty name." I grinned at her, passing her the bowl, "Ten gold if you knock one off."

Her eyes (Green, from what I could tell, I could barely see them under the helmet), lit up with mirth. "You're on, elf."

The two of us made three attempts before she managed to knock one off the edge entirely, with merely a small table ornament. He stumbled and fell off the edge, landing on both legs with a crunch and a yell.

"There it is!" I held my hand up, "Up top, Amai."

She eyed it, both confusion and laughter in her eyes, as I directed her in Thedas' first high-five. "Is this an elven tradition?"

Grinning, I hefted up my daggers as I saw the rest take care of who was left. And my group walk in for a few minutes and out another door, "Sure, I'm Elaine by the way."

She nodded, "Pleasure, I'll be claiming that gold. If we survive this."

" _When_ we survive, I'll buy you a drink as well." I declared, slipping into a ready pose as more corrupted Templars began to charge, "Here we are."

This time I charged with the rest of the warriors. I wasn't in plate so I got there first. Diving in feet first, sliding under the legs of the first one and jumping up, both daggers in hand and stabbing them both deep into his neck. He dropped, and I heard the whoosh behind me of a sword.

Reacting on instinct at this point, still facing forward, I leant so far back that my hands touched the floor in a bridge, and I let go of my knives for a split second as the arc of a two-handed sword swiped where I'd been standing previously.

With the momentum of the back-bend I kicked up, mustering a leg strength I hadn't used since Orlais, and kicked the guy square in the face before standing up again. I slipped and jumped and twirled my way through the whole group. Slicing, dicing, stabbing when needed. It became instinct after a while, to live I needed to fight through this, that was it.

I stood amongst the bodies (That was one thing the game couldn't show you. How many bodies there would be piled atop each other if they didn't disappear), breathing heavily, knives worn and dripping. Turning back to the Templars, I found them all staring at me open mouthed.

"What?" I growled, angrily shoving a bunch of hair behind my ear.

At this they all scattered, and Amai wandered up to me, "Sorry about them, they just haven't seen someone do that before."

I'm sure I sounded so exasperated, "Do what?"

"Fly."

"Elaine! Look out!" I turned and dodged so quick I didn't even register it.

The shield charge of the crazed Templar got me in the side, and I stumbled then crashed to the ground. Knives skittering away as I clutched my side, "Urrrrgh owww."

The others were busy though, as more Red Templars surged into the room. The one that'd hit me stopped and whipped around, glowing eyes feral with anger.

I cast my eyes around for something -anything- to use, as he tried to charge at me again, this time sword first. I had no daggers, nothing left up my sleeve, but I stood up anyway. Back squared, and ready to fight him off.

With a shout, I dodged to the side at the very last second as he ran past me with the sword, gasping it and pushing it down. The sharp edges cut into my palms, but the pain didnt matter, he was off balance, so I kicked out and pushed him over. He landed with a loud crash on his back, and without hesitating I jumped him, reaching for his shield with both hands, lifted and began to bash him over the head with it Captain America style. 100% effective this was by the way, would recommend.

"Elaine, enough!" Suddenly there was a hand on my arm, and I whipped my head around to Cullen, the shield still held aloft.

"Thats all of them?" I asked casually, unmoving.

He shook his head gravely, "The worst is still to come."

Sera marched forward, stormy expression on her face, and digging through her pockets, "Your hands are bleeding idiot. Drink it." Pulling out a health potion, she threw it at me before stomping away muttering about kamikaze elves.

The taste of health potions made me gag, so I basically just emptied half of the bottle on my palms and rubbed them together. Watching as the wrecked flesh of my palms knitted back together.

"Cullen, how long can we keep this up?" I caught up to him and Barris, who eyed me weirdly.

"I got something on my face, Templar? You all keep lookin' at me."

He pretended he didn't hear, but his ears tinged redder as he glanced quickly back to Cullen.

"We've got many abled bodies ready for a fight, but I fear that the amount of corrupted Templars outnumber us." Cullen replied, running a hand through his hair (That somehow had managed to stay clean and styled the whole time).

Casting my eyes over the ground, I found a short-sword, and a carving knife for some kind of meat, and picked them up. "Best get to it then."

... I'll skip the rest of the fighting. It was bloody, and messy, and too much detail will make you dislike me. Can't have that.

The barrier was broken down, and every time we tried to push forward it brought a new wave of Red Templars, seemed to me as if we were taking on the whole order by ourselves. But we did it, we pushed them back and returned some ground back to our side.

I also kept loosing weapons, ended up just picking up whatever was around. At one point I broke a chair over the head of an archer who'd nearly gotten Amai in the shoulder.

We all regrouped on the upper level during a moment of relative peace. Watching as the bodies of men and women who had previously been proud, strong Templars finally dissipated and blew away. "Why does that do that?" I asked the silence.

"What do you mean?"

"Dead bodies don't just disappear." Insisting, I turned to Casmir, he was the one talking and looking at me with yet another odd expression.

"They kind of do, depending on the body." He replied, "Have you not noticed?"

I turned away so he couldn't see my face. How could everything be so different here? Stewing over this, I began to lead the group through the archway, to sort of outdoor corridor.

It was then that I heard more of Envy's sickening, fucked-up laughter.

I tensed up at the sound, hand tightening around the hilt of the mace I'd picked up.

"You had that in your head?" Sera's voice, incredulous tone, "Bit messed up."

"Man, I'd need a good beating after that." Bull piped up, I couldn't see him but the tone was picture of ease.

Of course Casimr chimed in, "I volunteer to administer the beating."

"Kinky, Prince. But I'm not sure you got what it takes."

"Jeez, get a room you two." Sera snorted and laughed at the same time.

I couldn't say anything. I felt like Envy was still trapped in my head draining my very person. That kind of thing really messes a girl up.

I looked around for a second, to see if Envy was going to jump out to attack us, before moving forward.

We came to a kind of clearing, two huge ass statues either side of the stairs as we walked down it. I felt so underprepared as we walked into what was obviously a boss arena, all I had was slightly rusted mace in one hand, and the carving knife in the other.

I knew it was there, I could feel it deep in my bones, in the tug of my stomach and the chill raised on the back of my neck. I was in the presence of a demon.

" _I touched so much of you, but you are selfish with your glory. Now I am no one!_ "

Then almost directly under my feet, rumbling proceeded the gross legs and claws dragging the rest of the grotesque form out of the ground. Standing in front of us, no longer a voice in my head.

Oohh now I was gonna follow through on that threat. Turning, I gestured to Sera to find a good vantage point, not sure how but she got the message and moved away.

Then Cole's voice. Odd. I'd forgotten he was even there, "Dark and desperate. Death just to make yourself alive. I used to be like you." He was suddenly there next to me, knives in hand, hat a solid barrier against the slight rain. "I'm not anymore. You shouldn't be either."

Roaring, Envy reared up and with a screech the fight began.

Couldn't have nailed this better even if we'd rehearsed it honestly. I backed off at the same time as Cole disappeared in a cloud of smoke; right as Cullen, Iron Bull, and Barris charged at the demon.

An arrow and a bolt appeared in the demons side, and I glanced back to see Sera and Casimr each holding long ranged weapons. No idea where Casimr got a crossbow from but oh well.

It was a hard slog at first, I let the big guys distract it while Cole and I got behind and attempted to slash at its legs. But it kept jumping or running or just simply disappearing away. Bull got hit in the shoulder with the claws and laughed as he boasted about the awesome scars he'd have later, Barris lost his shield, and Cullen's hair got slightly ruffled. Absolute carnage, I know!

Sometimes the stupid demon would disappear behind a barrier, and a wave of Red Templars would rush through to get at us.

After a while of it, I simply had enough and decided to wild card this bitch.

"Everyone, drive it to that pillar! I think I can take it out!" I yelled, running for the opposing area as I went.

I'd lost the mace, but I still had the surprisingly trusty carving knife. Shoved the hilt in my mouth as I jumped, and with a surge of adrenaline climbed up the scaffolding onto the wooden platform.

Palming the carving knife, I watched as Bull, Cullen, and Barris somehow managed to force the demon closer to the pillar, Casimr and Sera managing to stop it from escaping to either side with a hail of arrows.

As soon as I saw my chance I took it, "Here goes nothing." Shooting up a prayer to any god listening, I jumped.

I enjoyed the sensation of being completely weightless for a split second before I soared past Envy's head. With a scream, I jammed the carving knife into its head, the momentum of my fall dragging it down deeper into its flesh, stopping at its halway down its spine.

It careened to the side, landing in a heap with a gargled screech.

And I was there, standing over it with murder in my eyes and a bloodied carving knife in hand. "What did I promise, Envy?" I wasted no time walking over to where its horrific head was, and knelt down so I could whisper, "If we meet again, tell me if you met the Maker."

" _I could gain so much from being you._ " It hissed, somehow managing to look angered.

"You would gain nothing, as I am nothing." With those words, I drove the carving knife into its neck with a strength I hadn't known I had. I think it went into the earth beneath the body.

Eugh. Gross.

It was some time before I stood up, leaning back onto one foot and turing back to the others, "Cullen, I'd like to go back to Haven now if that's cool with you."

Cullen and I both led the way back up the stairs. There was still the veterans and the remaining Templars there to deal with.

"Inquisition!" It was Amai, she'd taken her helmet off and stood at the front of the pack of Templars in front of the doors. I'd know that voice anywhere. She was rather pretty without her helmet, green almond shaped eyes and short black hair.

"Barris has been informing us of how you shone a divine light on the demon in our midst. Is this true?"

Cullen eyed me like, 'please deal with this', so I stepped forward, "Amai- I didnt do anything you wouldn't have done. It's the _Herald_  who's the divine one. All I did was throw an unwanted demon out of my head."

She nodded, grinning, "Aye. But there's not many who would have the strength to do so." She gestured around her, "And what would you have of us? We've got no officers, we will need help to rebuild."

"Do I look like a fuckin nanny-? Cullen you take this please before I piss off them off."

He stepped forward, taking the reins from me. If there was one thing I wasn't feeling right then it was diplomatic. I'd killed so many people that day, I'd had a demon inside my head for what felt like years.

So I cut myself some slack, and let Iron Bull hand me a flask of some kind of alcohol as I tried to fade to the back of the pack.

As I said. A loooong day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk why but i just really like the mental images i get of elaine badassing all over the place, loosing her daggers and improvising weapons all the time. Shields, knives, cutlery, chairs. There'll probably be more of it in the future its just so fun to write.


	18. Corridor of broken dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aftermath

I hadn't moved since I was sat down at the camp fire. All I could do was stare into the flames, every word Envy said to me caught and grated on my brain.

' _Your world would is so appealing...'_

_'My, such a big family!'_

_'Barely recognise what you've become.'_

"Elaine? A word?" It was Cullen, he stood above me and behind a bit. I didn't look up as I nodded, only continued to stare.

My legs moved of their own accord, and I followed the Commander a fair distance away from camp. I huddled closer into Alice's coat, a small comfort in the cruel world I'd found myself in. "Yes?" I barely recognised my own voice as I spoke, it was flat, no emotion, just... empty.

"You... I wanted to..." I glanced up through eyelashes, and saw him scratching the back of his head.

"Commander?" Just spit it out. So I can get back to the light of the camp fire.

His eyes were dead serious as they caught the glint of light from camp, looking down at me. "I wanted to thank you."

My brow furrowed, "What on earth for?"

Ignoring the earthism he shook his head, "I... know what it's like. To be... mentally tortured by-" He cut off.

 _Oh_.

How could I have been so _dumb_?

Fereldan Circle. Cullen held captive and tortured by demons. In pushing him out of the way, I'd saved him from more torment. Without thinking, I'd taken on a burden that would have been his. He knew exactly what it was like, what I was feeling.

He had no clue how much I knew. And here he was trying to comfort me.

I swallowed, "Um. Permission to call you Cullen?"

He breathed out a short laugh, "Granted."

"Cullen, you don't have to say anything about it to me, I understand."

There must have been something in my eyes, because he caught and met them in utter surprise. "You-"

"Cullen I realise that we don't know each other that well but... you know that... whenever it gets too much, whenever you think you can't handle what's coming. I am always happy to help. Simply because I understand."

He blinked at me in shock, as if he wasn't seeing a mouthy elf anymore, but a completely different person for the first time.

I hardly recognised myself either.

' _But they don't know you, do they Little Girl?_ '

Withdrawing in, I took a deep breath and ground my teeth against Envy's pesky voice.

"Back in the castle, you took charge when you didn't have to." Cullen drew me out of it, he seemed to be thinking through something.

"Someone did."

"I am the Commander, it should have been me but..." He shook his head, "It was as if you were born to lead. As natural as breathing. You must have been trained, somewhere." He looked at me.

My smile was sad I'm sure, "If I got a gold piece for every time someone said that to me I'd be Empress of Orlais by now." I turned, "I'm going to stare into the fire some more, join me if you want. I'd like the company."

***

My dreams tittered on the edge between pure nightmare and dead quiet.

I walked in a corridor I had no influence over. The walls were made of mud, held up by pillars of stone, stretching endlessly behind me and in front. Lined against each wall in probably 5 feet intervals were torches, as far as I could see, lit and burning bright.

Behind each door I could feel a different presence, some cold and sickly, some smelt absolutely fantastic, and some just felt... empty. Like there was nothing in the dark. I hadn't had a dream like this before. Not here.

I found I could walk and feel my way around, and at first I tried simply moving past the doors, but it just kept going and going endlessly. So I just picked one at random, I felt a warmth brush my neck, and something shifted as I opened the door.

I was greeted with the sight of people I recognised, but hadn't seen in a long time. It was almost as if I'd forgotten.

"Mum?" I swallowed, "Dad? You're all here?"

Mum, all laugh lines and shining eyes, stepped forward. Her kind, expression matching everyone else' exactly. Almost creepily. "Of course we are, we're your family."

I shook my head, "No this isn't real. I'm in the Fade, you're some demon trying to get into my head."

My eldest brother threw his head back and laughed, "As funny as ever, I see. Your time away hasn't changed much."

"This isn't funny." I snapped at him, "I'm _not_ laughing. I know this isn't real. Demons always mess with your head like this."

Dad looked disappointed, "My, what Defiance has done to my little girl."

"I'm not your little girl, Demon." I hissed, "How do I get out of this Dream?"

"The same way you always do," Suddenly they were surrounding me, their forms shimmering and blurring together in front of my eyes. I nearly cried at the looks in their eyes. The sadness and the shame as they looked at me. As if they'd given up, as if I had.

_This isn't real. This isn't real. This isn't real!_

And suddenly, I was back in the hallway. Immediately I took off running, I could still hear the murmuring off my family back home, whispering, begging to know why I was running away from them. Why I kept leaving. I felt tears gather as I pried open another door, dashed through and slammed it behind me.

And complete silence suddenly erupted into thunderous applause. I was on a stage, alone, facing a sea of happy, applauding faces. They were all there to see me, they were clapping my performance.

Looking down, I saw pointe shoes on my feet, tights, and an exquisite white costume. Feathers, gold threads and shining diamonds. My hair scraped back so tight it didn't seem to move.

Someone marched onto the stage, a huge bouquet of flowers in hand. It was... Vivienne. What? Why was she there?

"Congratulations, darling." Was all she said, it was creepy to see her smiling so broadly, in a year of knowing her I don't think I've ever seen her smile that wide. Sooo weird.

" _See how they applaud you? How they adore you?_ " It spoke with Vivienne's voice, but it wasn't her that spoke as she circled me on the stage. " _Don't you want it for yourself? So much love here, such big dreams. All about to come true._ "

At this point I wasn't happy anymore, my teeth ground together as I threw the flowers to the ground. "I am so fucking done being tempted by motherfucking demons." And without waiting for another word, I turned and marched back through the door.

There was no corridor this time, one door led to another. Behind this one I found cold darkness. I couldn't see through the shadows, only hear a faint water drop.

_Drip... Drip... Drip..._

Something metal clamped around my wrists, the cold jolting me out of a trance as they were suddenly wrenched up and above my head. Shoulders protesting loudly at the unnatural angle, my feet barely skimmed the ground.

_Drip... Drip... Drip..._

"Do you even remember what happened? What you've done, knife-ear?" Leliana's voice hissed and echoed out in the darkness, and I still couldn't see anything. Couldn't feel anything except the bite of the increasingly tight manacles around my wrists.

"You call me knife-ear again, I dear you." I spat out, into the darkness.

"Why? T'is what you are." What I thought had been Leliana's distinct voice morphed, into something much colder. Not Orlesian. Almost like... _Morrigan... or Flemeth?!_

_Drip... Drip... Drip..._

"Another deluded elven rabbit, dreaming of the stars again and again. Thinking above her station. One act of Defiance may just as still doom us all." She tutted, and I flinched as I almost felt the presence behind one pointed ear.

 _Defy this motherfucker-_ I thought, clenching my fists and yanking on the chains with all my might. Something crumbled, and the long chains fell to the ground, coiled like snakes.

And I stood, breathing heavily. Would this bloody dream never end?

"That is enough of that, I think." And as quickly as it could register the Dream dispersed, and I was left in the safety of my own space.

Taking the first breath of relief I'd had all night, I looked around for my current saviour, and found him at a table with someone.

I sat down in a heap in between them, and Cole offered me one of the cups he'd been pouring tea into with a small smile, "It's good to be free."

"Very good." I agreed.

Solas set his glass of water down, "You were difficult to find, that Dream was stronger than the others." He leaned forward, studying me, "Something happened whilst you were with the Templars, yes?"

"Cole, you were there. Haven't you told him?"

"It wasn't mine to tell." He seemed content here, sipping from a cup of tea in this place, I found his ease comforting.

"An Envy demon, it lured us into a trap and I saved Cullen from it. Cole here," I smiled at him, "Helped me beat it."

Solas glanced between me and Cole, seeming slightly suspicious, "You... seem to know him."

"I feel as if I do, yes." I grinned at Cole while I replied. He winked conspiratorially.

Solas watched the exchange with blatant frustration, so I turned to him. Putting the tea cup down, I leant forward. "Solas. Thank you for getting me out of the Dream. It felt endless."

"The Envy demon found its way into your head." He stated, "You forced it out, yet its suggestions remain."

My lips pursed, "Nothing I can do about that."

"You can move past it, grow beyond what it thought you were. Become more." He said it so simply, so matter-of-fact, that I found myself comforted.

"And you are more, to all of them." Cole added, still sipping his tea.

I leant back, and found myself looking at a ceiling made entirely of stars. Beautiful and intricate patterns that I recognised and knew from home, I smiled at the constellations as if they were old friends. They had been, I'd known them a long time ago.

"Solas... I'd like to talk to Cole for a bit. Privately if that's okay with you?" I didn't look down, but I sensed his hesitation. He either didn't want to leave Cole alone with me, or he wanted to make sure I wouldn't fall into another nightmare. I like to think it was the second but it was probably the first.

"We are not finished discussing this." He said, putting his water cup down and then disappearing from view.

"A mystery in a world I thought was dull and flat, cannot get involved, most likely would only reveal disappointment. Yet... reminded of something... from long ago."

Cole's voice was a murmur, but I nodded in agreement anyway. "Solas shouldn't be getting involved. He's got his own plans, his own path. I can't stop him."

Cole shook his head, "You say that as if you are small. You're not. You burn brighter, draw people to you wherever you touch. And now..." He lifted his head, so I could see his eyes past the brim of the hat, "You want me to keep your secret."

"If they found out what I knew I'd be ... well. I can't say what will happen but it won't be good."

He shook his head again, "That isn't a secret. Maybe you have forgotten as well."

I took a sip of the tea, "Forgotten what?"

"What you are."

And of course, that right there was when I woke up from the exceptionally long dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in one day? must be christmas


	19. Sparks fly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bit of a break

Never thought I'd say this but it was goddamn amazing to be back in Haven.

It was a breath of fresh hair to finally get off the horse (it didn't like me and I didn't like it) brush it down at the instruction of Dennet and head to the Chantry with Cullen. We needed to give a full report as to what happened and I was going to fill in the blanks apparently.

We arrived at Haven with the force of 100 surviving Templars, untainted by the red Lyrium. We got there after Anya and her party, so things had gotten a little cramped in Haven. That night before I went down to the tavern to find Sera, Anya told me that the tent city around the cabins had almost doubled.

Vivienne pulled me aside on my way out. Her expression was almost... relieved? As if she was glad to see me. She grasped my arms as she spoke. "Elaine, my dear, you did _so_ well to secure the help of the Templars. Now there can be something resembling order around Haven. Thanks to you."

"Shucks, is that you telling me you missed me, my lady?"

"You are positively devious. I _will_ see you for breakfast tomorrow, early."

Leda, part of the friend-group of elves I'd made, grabbed my arm before I could sit down in the tavern. "Sit with us, Elaine!"

Grinning, it was good to be back. So I sat down with my dinner and a mug of tea, "It's good to see you all. Jenny, Ari! Since when did you guys know each other?"

Clara got this sly glint in her eye, "I introduced them. Friends of Elaine."

"You what when?"

Ari threw his head back and laughed, slightly drunk, "You're getting a bit of a reputation, here, Spitfire. Not your fault, but you stood up to _Leliana_. Let alone killed an Envy demon single handedly."

I scoffed, "That's stupid- I had help."

A pout looked so out of place on his big face that I couldn't help but laugh. "That's the story and I am sticking to it!" He yelled.

That was when Jethon sat down next to Frank, who offered his husband a warm smile, "I see you got your Templars," He said.

"We did ok."

"Riiight."

It was nice to be amongst friends. To be a bit more carefree than I had been recently. Leda showed up with Tate in tow as we tucked into a proper meal, Sera was sitting to the side by herself. I think she was still processing what had happened earlier. Didn't think she was the silent stewing type but oh well.  
  
I laughed along with the elves, introduced Ari and Jenny to Amai who wandered in looking completely lost at one point during the night.

Then Lillie showed up, her hair piled atop her head in a bun, it looked as if she'd gotten some fashion advice from Varric, because she was wearing stuff that looked like his. Fit her though, really well.

I waved her over, and she sat down next to me amongst the rowdy conversation. "How've you been?" I asked her, leaning forward.

"Alright- I started training the troops in hand-to-hand combat just after you guys left. It's good to feel useful."

"Sure is." I said, looking out over the table.

"You know what's about to happen don't you? You knew these were ... games." She whispered, leaning forward as she spoke.

Nodded without looking at her. "You should probably pack a bag. Warm clothes."

Lillie eyed me worriedly for a bit, before shrugging, "Consider it done."

***

I woke to the sound of shouting outside the cabin (who'd have thought a straw bed could be so comfortable?).

"Whot's tha?" Sera slurred her speech more when she was half asleep, and she rolled over in her state and fell face down on the floor.

Stifling giggles, I tugged on Alice's coat and a pair of leggings, stealing Sera's slipper-like shoes and peeking outside.

Only to be greeted with the sight of a Templar and a Mage going at it right at the top of their lungs. The sun hadn't even come up yet, and still they'd drawn a pretty sizeable crowd.

"For everlasting fuck sake-" I said, charging forward to stand in between them. I recognised the Templar from our journey back, he'd been nice, quiet, offered to organise the watch rotation. The mage I hadn't had the pleasure.

"Your people have no place here!" The mage yelled, his voice just whiney enough that he could be noble, "Mages are the Inquisition's allies, we will not tolerate being pushed back into submission."

"If you do nothing to cause that, then you won't _be_ pushed back into submission." The templar (unhelpfully) quipped.

"You-!"

"OKAY!" Yelling, I stepped in between them, thanking fuck that (like Sera) I was taller than most elves. If I was Leda's height I wouldn't have any authority right now. "THAT'S _ENOUGH_."

The templar was used to taking orders so he shut his mouth.

The mage on the other hand somehow managed to look all haughtily down at me. "Excuse me?"

"Hi, I don't think we've met. I'm Elaine, I live in that cabin right there-" Pointing as I spoke, I looked at the mage with a pleasantly irritated smile, "I have recently got back from a very long trip, and no offence to you but I was attempting to sleep while you started arguing. Sincerest apologies ser!"

The crowd tittered, the templar didn't say anything, and the mage kind of spluttered. Poor guy, probably didn't have a clue what to say.

"Now I realise that we have a lot of testosterone and opinions, but we're all here to seal the huge blinking hole in the sky, right? We can save all the fighting for after when there's loot to fight over." At this I ran a hand through my hair, with no hood, and no chance to put it up, it hung down my back untamed and free.

Turning to the audience that had gathered, "I'm sure we all have places to be, let's get on with it, yeah? Fighting takes up energy that should go to shutting that thing."

The templar turned and walked off when the crowd disappeared, but I stopped the mage before he could leave. "Was there something specific you came up here for? Maybe I can help."

It seemed as if he was reluctant to say, "Firewood. My camp has run out."

Grinning, I grabbed his arm and dragged him around to the side of my cabin. Pointing to Threnn who even at this early hour was standing around barking orders at people. "If you're direct, and not entilted she'll help you out."

I yawned as he walked off, stretching my arms above my head and turning back around.

That was when I noticed that someone had put some pallets in front of the cabins, and there were some messengers already lifting jars onto them.

 _Oh shit_. The jars! They explode don't they?

I had so much work to do before we closed the Breach. Shit, if I hadn't gone to get the Templars I would've had weeks to prepare everything before we closed the Breach. _Gaaaaah_ -

I noticed Tate, one of my elven friends walking past holding one of the jars. "Hey! Tate!"

He stopped, and waved his hand, "Elaine, you're up early."

I walked up to him, eyeing the jar suspiciously before offering him a shrug, "Someone had to break up a mage-templar fight might as well be me."

He shook his head with exasperation, "Of course."

Grinning, "So what's in the jars?"

"Oh-" He hefted it up "-Blasting jelly."

"Hm okay..." I blinked up at him, "Shouldn't the highly flammable jelly be put _away_ from sleeping arrangements? I know I'd love to sleep away from the _explosives_ but that's just a preference of mine."

He smiled sympathetically, "Threnn's orders. She says there's no where else to put them."

"But right next to the Alchemist's cabin? That's nuts".

"Eh, take it up with her if you want. I just do the hard labour."

I patted him on the shoulder, "No worries. See you at lunch, mate."

Mentally I made a list of the things that needed to be done before we shut the Breach. Hopefully I'd find out today when Anya wanted to attempt it- she was a perfectionist who hated missing anything so I believed she would finish up all the missions before closing it. That gave me hope for a little more time, but I needed an actual time frame.

I ran back into the cabin and got changed into my usual clothes. Sera had fallen back asleep right there on the floor, so I nudged her a bit to get her to wake up enough so we could help her back onto the bed.

I dug around in my old pack for my pencil case, grabbed a pen and my journal then dashed back outside.

Writing as I watched the messengers load the jars onto the pallets, the list kind of looked like this:

\- _Move big boom jars to somewhere they wont explode_  
\- yell at thren  
\- new new daggers  
\- move boxes so people can get in and out of houses  
\- open doors so people can get in and out of houses  
\- go bag. be ready. tell a friend.  
\- alcohol??? water down???

I watched the Breach for a moment, thinking... maybe ... it was my ticket back home. I don't know how I got here but, if I got back to the Breach maybe I could find a way back.

I would be home. I'd be back with my family. I'd be ...human again.

Swallowing, I tore my eyes away from the green light of the Breach back down to my open journal. Writing on the bottom of the list: _Anya lives._

I started walking to Vivienne's cabin across Haven, I was starving and she did want to see me for breakfast. Gearing myself up for full nuisance mode before talking to Threnn.

"Elaine, a moment." Solas' voice, as he closed the door of his cabin behind him and quickly catching up to me.

"Thought you liked your sleep, Solas. Isn't it a bit early for you?"

"I wished to talk. Privately." He started steering us away from the cabins down towards the gates with a hand on my elbow. "We have much to discuss."

"Do we though?" I replied, sure he could hear my panicked heart beating a mile a minute.

What did he want? Surely he can't want to discuss the Dream he intruded on, was now the time for that?

He couldn't just spring this stuff on me, I had places to be! Things and avalanches to prepare for! Besides, Vivienne was meeting me for breakfast. Had to show up to that or she'd deck me.

"Where are we going?" I asked, oh-so calm. _Nice_.

He didn't say anything, only looked down at me with a neutral expression as he continued to lead me away, past the training area out of Haven. We passed Lillie on her way out of... _Iron Bull's tent? What?!_

She sheepishly waved at me before disappearing behind the gates.

"Wait, Lil- Jacks! Get back here! Let go of me!" I wrenched my arm out of his grip. Angry now, I felt a twist in my gut as I shoved him away. "Why do men think they can command people to do things and think we'll just go with it? I'm sick of being ordered around!" I realised as I was yelling right at the edge of the training area, I should be getting more attention from the people around.

But they just continued on with their morning without a care.

Well, of all the things I thought I'd be doing today. Yelling at the Dread Wolf wasn't it.

First time for everything I guess.

"You are being unreasonable."

"I am? You're the one man-handling me. You ever think that if you said, 'hey Elaine, I know you're super busy, but could I speak with you for a sec? It's important.' I would've gone with you?"

"I highly doubt that."

"Well your experience with people sucks. Now ask your questions buddy, while this soundless spell is up."

This took him by surprise, "You can sense the spell?"

"It's not hard, you're not very subtle."

"Interesting."

I ruffled a bit under the scrutinising look he gave me.

"Have you showed any magic ability in your life?"

"None."

"Hm."

"If that's all, I'll just go-"

"Why were human in the Dream?"

Fuck. It was too early for this. And this time I couldn't stab myself with a fork to get out of it.  
  
"Why did you _intrude_ on _my_ dream?"

"Not an answer."

"But still valid. I don't have to answer any of this you know."

"Madam De Fer knows. Shall I ask her?"

Moving on from that bit of knowledge he shouldn't have, I laughed, "Go ahead. I could use a bit of comedy."

He started to look frustrated, and stepped forward to grab my arm again. But in the same movement I stepped back, holding a defensive hand up.

"Solas. I know you can hurt me with your mind, but I won't hesitate if you try to grab me again." I stared him down without moving. Whoooaa boy here we go, genuinely issuing threats now.

I don't know what it was, but as our eyes met something weird happened. A kind of invisible electricity, a kind of tension was bubbling up between our gazes. I could feel his frustration, his need to know who I was. The question in his head; _was I going to be an obstacle? Could I be of use?_

"Ask next time, Solas." I stepped forward, sure I was smiling in exasperation. "I don't want to be enemies- in fact I'd like it if we could be friends."

His expression was unreadable. And I realised it was quite higher above mine, but still close enough to touch.

"Now, I got a lot to do today, so I'll be going."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so many plans for this now my brain is getting away from me. would you believe me if i told you i knew exactly how this is going to end? 
> 
> ha


	20. The day Haven burned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> knock knock, its corepheus

It was hard to tell what went wrong.

It could've been a whole number of things- Anya had messed around with what I thought was supposed to happen. The kicker, mages and templars actually coming together, under one banner, to help close the Breach. There wasn't even fighting after.

I half expected to be transported back home as it happened, the big green hole in the sky slammed shut right in front of me. One door home closed for good. Lillie had to support me on the way back, I was light headed and about to cry. By the time I joined the festivities, I was prepared for the attack.

I didn't touch any alcohol. I stayed back from the party, and moved the jars of exploding-jelly away from the cabins, to the clearing behind them. Away from where anyone lived. I went through Haven, wandering as if a ghost. Opening doors, moving crates, positioning ladders.

Maybe I interfered too much. Maybe I didn't do enough. Because while a lot of people got out of Haven, I didn't save everyone. We didn't save everyone.

"I can't come in unless you open!" Cole banged on the door, and I rushed forward with Cullen to pry the doors open.

Everyone remembered him, from when he landed on the table in the war-room. Unlike me, they hadn't seen him since.

Cole said his piece, and then stepped back. I came up behind him, "Nice to see you again."

"It is nice to be seen." He offered a smile, then turned fully to me, "You have something to say."

I cleared my throat, then tapped Anya's arm, "Would it be wise to get everyone evacuated to the Chantry? The cells and tunnels there would be defendable should they break through." I murmured to her.

Instantly she nodded, "Cullen, you heard that?"

"Yes, Herald. I'll see to it at once." He nodded, "Blackwall, Solas, Varric, with me!" They charged off back into Haven.

That left the rest of us outside, fighting the... it's hard to pick what they were. Because there were both dark-mages and red-templars in the mix. It made fighting them that much harder. Defending the trebouches wasn't a simple task. We each came out with some scrapes, covered in blood and grime.

"I just got this armour repaired!" I swore at a red templar, kicking the carcass away from me. There was no registering in my mind that this had once been a human being. With thoughts and feelings.

They were all husks now. Just empty, only thing on their mind was killing.

I swallowed down a shudder of fear as the dragon swooped overhead, that was what broke the lines you see, the avalanche buried the army yeah, but not for long.

' _They popped out of snow, like daisies!_ ' Finally got what that one meant.

On the way back, I spied Harrit pushing a crate out of the way of his wide-open door. I'd moved a lot of the stacked ones, and shoved the door behind a chair. "Just getting the essentials, I won't die for the forge!"

"Get to the Chantry!" Anya yelled, surging past him to rescue a templar from a dark-mage, blasting the mage with pure, raw magic and all but picking the templar up and throwing him at the doors.

Bull helped him through, and Cullen waved us all through as he held the door open.

I took a deep breath, this was where I diverged. I'd helped as many canon people as possible, now it was time to get to the tent-city.

"I'm going to check for stragglers!" I shouted over the noise. Couldn't pick what from what though, there was so much of it.

"You be careful, Elaine!"

"As my Lady Herald says!" With a laugh and a mock-salute, I turned and ran towards the cabins. The others diverged too, different groups heading in different directions.

Helping people as I went, I ran past the tavern, but Flissa wasn't there. I crossed my fingers and prayed that she'd been evacuated as I moved on.

Skidding to a stop outside of the cabins, sure my ears were twitching as I frantically glanced around, trying to hear if there was anyone left.

Then Solas ran out of Adan's cabin coughing, pushing the burly human in front of him as black smoke escaped from the door.

"What the hell have you got in there?!" I exclaimed, helping Adan up. "Actually, I don't give a fuck. Get to the Chantry! Before something else explodes!" Solas pushed him towards the building, and we watched a hand drag him through the doors. I briefly spied a flash of braided hair, and knew Anya wasn't far.

"Is that everyone?" I turned to Solas, he was leaning heavily on his staff, a hand raised to his side. His face was impassive, though, if he was in any pain he didn't show it.

"I believe that was everyone." He agreed, jaw clenching.

"You're injured."

"Now is not the time to discuss it."

"Like hell it isn't-" Suddenly some screams echoed up from the tents behind Solas' cabin, and we heard a crash, the sounds of fighting and running.

Forgetting Solas, I darted around the cabin, it didn't take long to find the source of the chaos.

About a dozen red templars had broken through, and were heading towards a group of people, crouched behind some crates. I stepped towards them, but saw a few pairs of pointed ears, and blonde hair glinting red in the firelight.

"Clara! _YOU TOUCH THEM YOU'RE DEAD MOTHERFUCKERS!_ " I barely recognised myself, or my voice as it bellowed across the field, completely disconnected from my body as I felt my limbs reacted automatically. The knives I'd gotten off Harrit were basic, and had seen better days. So I darted to save my friends, the elves who had adopted me and helped me, with only a pair of blunt daggers, already half injured.

It was pure adrenaline that was responsible for downing two red-templars, and what caused me to leap onto the back of the one facing the elves, digging the knives into its neck and ripping them out. Riding the back of the thing as it collapsed to the ground.

"I got you!" I yelled at my friends, forcing myself to stand, daggers at the ready, facing the remaining templars. Back to my friends, arms out protectively. "You can't have them, fuckers."

Whirling snow and mud mixed with blood slopped at our feet, onto our faces and bodies as we fought. I downed one, taking half a second to wonder if Solas had collapsed somewhere or if he'd gone to get help, then another. Taking a surge of air for a moment, I was beginning to tire.

"Look out, Elaine!" Jethon's distinctive voice echoed behind me, and I turned just in time to dodge two glowing red claws aimed at my head. I wasn't fast enough though, I felt a searing agony at the tip of my right ear, before the claws dragged down my shoulders and arms, cutting and grazing, before snagging on the blades of the knives and squeezing.

I nearly cried in desperation as I watched the blades snap and fall to the ground. I felt the blood running down my ear and neck. Staining my armour.

I watched as a sick, sadistic smile twisted on the red-templars face as it eyed me. Breathing heavily through so, _so_ much pain my jaw clenched, my arms burned where the claws had scraped my skin.

Throwing the now useless hilts to the ground, with a glare and what was akin to a snarl I launched myself at the Templar. I wouldn't have ordinarily prided myself on brawn or anything, but suddenly I had endless strength as I jumped (I had not attempted this before, don't try it at home), got my legs around its neck. The claws raked across my back, but I was immune to pain, I'd reached the threshold when it'd gotten my ear. My grin matched it, and I could barely recognise or comprehend what I was doing as I latched my palms on the side of its head, and dug my thumbs into the sockets of its eyes.

It howled out in pain, and I hissed back, "That's for my ear asshole." And (shooting another prayer up for flexibility) leant back, catching myself on my hands, he was off balance enough that he flew over me and landed on the ground snarling in pain.

And somehow landed at the feet of Anya and Solas, they'd done away with the others in my distraction.

I must have been quite the sight to them. Covered in blood, armour soiled and torn up, hair a tangled mess of red, murder in my eyes.

Blinking, I swayed from my place on the ground before violently turning my head to my friends.

They were still there, no one hurt too bad. Jethon was clutching Frank, who nurtured his left arm.

"Elaine you-" Clara and Leda rushed forward on their hands and knees, "You're hurt." Leda reached forward.

"I'm fine." I grinned sleepily, swaying on my knees, "Just glad you guys are alright." I tilted off to the left, and Clara got to me just in time to catch me.

"S'cool with you if I just sleep right here?" I muttered, even though I knew it was the loss of blood talking. I couldn't force my eyes to stay open. The adrenaline had abandoned me.

I felt a shadow above us, "Allow me." I hadn't ever been carried like that before, like I was a delicate lady, not outside of dance.

"You're injured too, Chuckles." I heard myself mutter, and heard a short laugh in response.

"All healed."

"That's a handy thing, you know.... back home ... we don't have that ..." I couldn't see , couldn't even talk, finally embracing the darkness that had been dancing at the edge this whole time.

....

' _You think I'm just gonna let you give up, B? What do you take me for? This isn't our time to go, this isn't the first time we've defied Death, B. Keep fighting. Keep going.'_

_'What?_

_Don't you remember me?_

_After all I've done for you?'_

"I... d-de...fy...th-this..." Everything was numb, but I still heard myself croak.

' _There it is. For a moment I thought I answered the wrong call. Don't worry, B. I've got our back whenever you make an idiotic mistake.'_

"Elaine? Elaine! You're awake? Madam De Fer, she's awake!"


	21. Follow the snow-covered road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to skyhold we go

"I told you! I'm _fine_! The carts are for _injured_ people- do I look injured?"

"Yes Elaine. You have multiple stitches up your arms and back, you're bleeding through your shirt."

"You are also limping." Casimr and Vivienne were trying to gang up on me to get me to ride in the wagon with all the deathly injured people. Fuck that. If I could talk and stay awake all day I could definitely walk to Skyhold. I wasn't an invalid.

Plus I was kinda high on elfroot. Great painkiller that is. Couldn't even _feel_ my back, so I don't know what they were complaining about.

"Am not. And if I was that'd be because we're wading through knee high snow. That means everyone is limping."

Vivienne threw her hands up, making an irritated noise, "Urgh. On your head be it, my dear." And she swanned off as gracefully as she could in these conditions.

"Can't you just do what she says?" Casimr shook his head in exasperation, "Makes life so much easier."

"No one bossed me around before I got here and I liked it like that. I do what I want."

Dorian wandered over, using his staff to help him get through the snow, "What a marvellous concept, Elaine. Almost as marvellous as your idea to load everyone into the wagons and drive them to wherever it is we're going."

Casimr sniggered from my other side, "How would that even work?"

"I told you! _Magic_! The Dalish do it all the time. Ever heard of an Aravel?"

"No, I must admit. For obvious reasons, we don't get many Dalish passing through Tevinter."

An hour passed as I introduced Dorian to the mechanics of making and sailing an Aravel. They're like a mix between boats and cars basically. They can sail over land and would totally come in handy instead of riding stinky horses everywhere.

"For someone who isn't Dalish, you seem quite knowledgeable on the matter." Solas' voice chimed in as he walked back from the front where he'd been with Anya. "We are stopping for the day, we should reach the right place by tomorrow with any luck."

"Urgh." I crossed my arms, "Guess it's that time again?"

"Indeed." He motioned to the area where Jacks, Varric, and Iron Bull had already began to set up a camp for the Inner Circle. Casimr and Dorian went to the fire as Solas led the way to tent that'd been set up already.

"This is cozy, you should at least buy me dinner first, Solas." I muttered, and he chuckled behind me.

"Lie down, on your stomach please." I shrugged off the light top I'd been wearing and lied face down on the cot.

"Jeez, Solas your hands are freezing."

"Apologies." He murmured, withdrawing them for a moment. My stomach tugged for a single second before his hands brushed over my skin again. Much warmer this time.

"So, this place we're heading." I couldn't resist, he wouldn't tell the truth if it would save his life it was quite funny. "What's it like? You've been there, yeah?"

"I have." I couldn't see his face, only hear the reminiscent tone, "It's beautiful, and should more than suit the Inquisition's purpose."

"How'd you find it though? Just walking around the mountains randomly?" I turned my head to the side, gritting my teeth against the flash of pain up my shoulders.

"You ask a great many questions."

"You say that like you're surprised. Everyone always questions me, why can't I do the questioning for a change?"

"You are done," He said, sitting back, "They are healing rather quickly, unfortunately certain parts will scar."

Shaking my head, I pulled the shirt back on and sat cross-legged across from him. He hadn't moved an inch, and I suddenly realised he was actually quite close. "That wasn't an answer."

He regarded me cautiously, "It was as you said, I happened across it on my travels."

"Sounds pretty cool to me, travelling the world, seeing all there is to see. I love old things." I said with an easy smile, "I was born and raised in the country so, I'll always have a special place for it in my heart."

His expression was odd, half way between curiousness and nostalgia, as he replied, "How does a country elf come to be a dancer in Orlais? The two professions aren't so alike, and most would not dream above their station."

"Maybe they do, but they never get the chance to be more." Carefully, so careful not to slip, "Or maybe I was taught that if I wanted something I should go and get it."

"That wasn't quite an answer either."

"Indeed." Grinning, so he'd know I was joking, "Dancing was all I ever wanted to do, I remember clearing a space out in the shed, teaching myself how to point my toes, stretching to get flexible. As for achieving that dream..." I shrugged, "When Alice died, there was nothing left for me there."

"No parents?"

"They are very, very far away. I don't do so well alone, so I snuck into Val Royeaux, they like pretty things there. My hair got me noticed, and soon I was dancing with the best of the best." I smiled at him, well more like smirked, "Why so interested?"

"I am attempting to figure out why you are such a mystery. In all honestly it's quite vexing."

I couldn't help but grin, looking down at my hands. They looked so small next to his long slender fingers.

He slowly reached out, and with the lightest of touches trailed his fingers over my hand, circling the inside of my wrist. My lips parted, and warmth shot through me as I looked up to him.

Neither of us said anything, but you could cut the tension with a knife. I was so sure he was going to kiss me, even though we weren't in the fade.

But I shifted as a pain shot through my ear. And the moment was broken.

"Rest." He said, withdrawing, "I will be back with food."  
  
Nodding, I lied back on my stomach, pulling the covers up as far as they'd go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooo im actually genuinely excited for this story like honestly its gonna be so good we're gonna have some non-canon-canon adventures


	22. People not asking me for shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [to the tune of Adeles skyfall] WE'RE IN SKYHOOOOLD 
> 
> and leliana yet again does a thing

I just couldn't get over it.

Skyhold was _brilliant_.

Shit, I'd thought the Templars' place was awesome, and I'd also knew kind of what to expect but jeez. Honestly.

You ain't seen nothing just watching it on a tv screen.

We got here and moved in exactly three days ago. It was so bloody hectic, I don't think I'd stopped for a single second in the whole time.

Of course, Vivienne, Jacks, and Solas kept trying to make me stop moving because of my stupid injuries; true, I'd be in the middle of lifting something and feel slightly faint, or I'd forget to smoke some elfroot or down a health potion and all the bad cuts along with my ear would burn for a while. But literally who cares when we're living in _Skyhold_?

This shit. This is why I stuck around. This is where everything really _starts_.

First moment of peace I'd gotten in a while, I decided to really go and explore the place. It was so much bigger than in the game, Haven was different but Skyhold was on a whole other level.

For starters, the barracks was literally _under_ the outer walls. There were several entrances to it; like Cullen's office or the prison area, places like the armoury, an indoor training area, a bunch of other random storage rooms were in the walls too. You could house several thousand people in the walls alone.

Near the kitchens diagonally across the stables, there was an archway over more stairs that lead to literal farmlands and fields on the hills behind the castle, it has a gate and everything! We could literally live forever and sustain ourselves within Skyhold for a long time.

Another exception is that all the rooms that went empty and disused in the game were cleaned out and full by the first month the Inquisition had been there. Servants mostly, my elves told me they'd been wanting to start a kind of... makeshift Alienage in one of the corners, but didn't know if there was space.

When Clara pulled me aside to talk to me about it, I could only grin at her. "Clara, that's genius!"

She showed me the space she was thinking of, it was like another version of the circular tower above Solas' rotunda only the central area was hexagonal, there was only two storeys, and there were doors on the faces for each room. A lot of my friends had already moved in to that bit, I even spotted Jethon and Frank when Clara and I were walking past.

"This is the space we were thinking. It'd be a... safe place. For elves. We don't see many."

I patted her on the shoulder, "I can take it to Anya- but you gotta promise me it won't be like... a 'no shems allowed' kinda place. That term, and mindset just bugs me."

"Deal. Our Herald is a Qunari so, I think a lot of minds could do with some opening." She replied with a smile.

"Does this make you the Elder of the Alienage, Clara? You seem to kind of be the leader." I looked up at the ceiling of the place, mentally making a note to remind Anya that there was also a hole in the roof of the future Alienage.

The tips of her pointy ears tinged a bit red at my words, "I couldn't... there're more experienced... don't be silly-"

"C'mon, Clara. You care about what happens to these people enough to come with me to talk to the Herald, you've got more than enough guts to make up for lack of experience." I started herding her out the door, heading towards the stairs down to the Herald's Rest to find Anya.

"If I'm the Elder, you can be the protector."

"You what when?"

"You stand up for us, you got injured fighting off dozens of Templars to  _save_ my _life_. I trust you to protect them when I can't." She was completely serious, not a trace of irony in her voice, "You're our knife-"

"Knife in the dark." I muttered, not sure what to feel about hearing those words again. Especially when applied to me.

I was a dancer hellbent on chilling out where I wasn't needed, not some sort of badass superhero with a pledge to protect the people around me. I wasn't Batman!

Yet Clara nodded determinately, as if the matter was completely settled.

As we walked down the stairs, we noticed the crowd gathered outside the gates, and took a detour to investigate. I spied Josephine and Cullen down amongst the people, and Anya walking amongst cheers and bows.

I couldn't hide the huge grin even if I wanted to. This was our Inquisitor, this was the exact moment that would he remembered in Thedas history for centuries. The first Qunari Inquisitor leading her righteous against an unimaginable evil. Couldn't make this stuff up if you tried.

Clara cheered loudly when Anya raised the sword up, and I just stood leaning on one leg with my arms crossed. Satisfied grin on my face as Amai and Jenny waved at me from across the courtyard, sitting on a wall next to an extremely loud Ari who wouldn't stop cheering for Anya.

From there I saw something out of the corner of my eye, a group of people coming in the main gate. No horses, just the three of them, and found myself doing a double-take as Varric walked up to the group, looked back to see if anyone was watching, and then led them to the side towards the stairs.

Couldn't have stopped myself from following if I tried. Running and catching them at the foot of the stairs. "Varric, shouldn't you be cheering Anya on?" I laughed as he jumped slightly and relaxed, turning around to face me.

"Spitfire!" He was visibly less scared when he saw it was me. The others with him eyeing me curiously. Hang on... blue eyes... _OH MY FUUUUC-_

"Expecting Cassandra?" I winked.

"Varric, going to introduce us?" It was _her_ voice, all smooth as silk and even slightly mocking as it usually was. Out of every game I played hers the most, I knew everything there was to know about all of her companions, and her family, and every outcome of the story as it was.

"Hawke, this is Elaine. Elaine, meet the Champion of Kirkwall, Sophia Hawke." Varric spoke hesitantly.

I was blatantly awestruck by the group in front of me. Sophia in Champion armor and sharp-looking daggered glory. She kind of looked like a hotter more punk rock version of Bethany now to think about it. Her black hair was spun into dreadlocks and piled atop her head in a big bun, her eyes seemed to gleam that distinctive jewelled blue. Her tanned skin mottled with freckles. The whole package.

"Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

"Now, Varric. You go on ahead with Hawke to meet the Inquisitor." Someone spoke behind Hawke, and internally I was actually freaking screaming at who it was.

Merill (Actual-real-life-adorable-elven-bloodmagical Merill!) poked her head around with a wave, "Hello. I'm sure Elaine will be happy to guide us to some food."

"I- _ahem_ \- I mean yeah. Course I can Varric if you're busy."

Before he could say anything the last member of the group chimed in. An alto, sultry voice that I just knew immediately without even looking at her, "Come on, Kitten. Let's follow... Elaine, was it?"

Kinda still choked up, I just nodded.

"Elaine. You two go on." Isabela shooed the other two up the stairs.

Even in this weather she still hadn't put on pants or a coat. How was she not freezing?

"I'm Isabela," She said as the both followed me up towards the tavern, "And this is Merill."

"Hello." Merril was more concentrating on anything other than the path in front of her. Looking up around at the walls and the crowd disbursing near the gate.

"You're Dalish, Merill?" I knew, but I wanted an excuse to ask her questions about the culture. I knew so little and kind of wanted a lesson.

"I am, or- I was. Can you stop being Dalish? Is that something that stops? Either way, I am."

"Maybe you could come help me establish an Alienage," I offered her a grin, "A few of the elves here would really benefit from a safe space."

She seemed surprised when she glanced over at me, already at the top of the stairs, "An Alienage, in the Inquisition headquarters?"

Shrugging, "If those quacks from the chantry in the funny hats get a space -in the gardens no less- then we should get one too."

Merill thought about it for a while, "Alright. I don't know if I'll be much help but-"

"Nonsense, Kitten. You'll be plenty of help." Isabela chimed in, lifting her hand to shield her eyes at the sun. "You've done lots of work with the Alienage in Kirkwall."

Merill's skin flushed an adorable shade of pink, and her ears twitched as well, but she didnt say anything.

"Here we are. This is the only place where we can feed everybody for now." I opened the door to the Heralds Rest, found it was filling up as the crowd from the ceremony outside trickled in.

Sera was in the corner with Lillie and Krem, so I headed that way after we all got some food.

"Sera, Jacks. This is Merill and Isabela, they're friends of Varrics." I introduced them as we all sat down.

Lillie gasped, excitedly shoving her hair out of her face. "From Tale of the Champion? For real?"

"Yep." I laughed, I'd been the one to give her that book so she could read up on the recent history. Lillie loved to read as much as I did.

"You guys are so cool!" The earthism just slipped off her tongue, and Isabela took it in her stride as she smirked and Merill kept blushing.

"You guys fought a bunch of statues, yeah? What was that like?" Sera asked around a mouthful of food, eyeing Merill's tattoos suspiciously as if thinking ' _you're not all elfy are ya?_ '

Krem excused himself as they sat down when he saw Bull come in. We all sat there for a while chatting about literally anything. Bull sat down at one point, Casimr came in said hello and then wandered off again. Varric came back red-faced and as angry as I'd ever seen him (which admittedly was more vaguely irritated), with an amused Hawke in tow.

"Looks like I'm leaving for Crestwood tomorrow." Hawke said as she sat down, "You guys coming with?"

"I want to stay and help with the Inquisitions' Alienage." Merrill piped up, offering a smile at her.

Hawke nodded at the same time as Sera scoffed, "Captain?" Hawke turned to Isabela, who was watching Iron Bull and Krem in the corner with a glint in her eye.

"I'll stay here with Merrill. To stay out of trouble." She replied without turning.

"You couldn't stay out of trouble if you tried."

"Elaine?" The quiet voice of a messenger spoke up behind me, so I stood up from the table to talk to them.

"Yeah?"

"Madam De Fer asked me to come get you. She's in her nook upstairs." He said, "As quick as you can."

I nodded, "Thank you. I'll be there." He nodded and scampered away.

Turning back to the table, I downed the rest of my drink and waved to the others, "Have fun in Crestwood. Merrill come see me later about the Alienage, yeah? Bye!" And happily left the Tavern.

***

"This is _so nice_ , Vivienne. The sun hits it at just the right angle, perfect for a good snooze." I laughed, collapsing down on the over-cushioned couch and stretching out with my hands crossed behind my head.

"I have something rather special. A treat to help relax." She placed the tray down herself. A small plate of sweet cakes on one side, a pitcher of cream, a small little thing with what looked to be sugar in it... wait-

"Is that... coffee?" I asked incredulously as she began to pour the dark liquid into the cups.

She hesitated, one delicate eyebrow lifted, "You have had it before?"

Leaning forward eagerly, I nodded without taking my eyes off the cups. "You know where I'm from-"

"This... Island?"

"Yeah. Well, a lot of areas have access to coffee. I knew people could down upwards of five ups a day."

Her shock was wordless as she sat heavily down on the couch opposite.

"Nevarran coffee beans are a delicacy here, Elaine. I find it hard to imagine drinking more than one per day." She spooned some of the cream into her mug then offered me the spoon.

"They're different places, Vivienne. I knew a lot of people who are addicted to this stuff." I sipped it, and made a disgusted noise at how outrageously bitter it was. "Hand me the sugar, this needs _a lot_."

We were silent for a moment as Vivienne watched me pile spoonful after spoonful of sugar in the cup before stirring and carefully sipping it.

"Ah. Much better." I offered her a grin, "Thanks."

"My pleasure, my dear."

"So, was there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Actually there was. Sister Leliana should he here any moment with details."

_Huh?_ "Details? You're bring awfully mysterious."

She didn't reply, "There she is." Vivienne put her cup down as Leliana wandered up to the area.

They both sat across from me, and Vivienne offered her a cup of coffee. All the while I felt like I'd been sent to the principles office and was going to be sent home. Or maybe like I was about to be grounded by mum and... mum. Weird feeling.

Leliana shifted so what looked to be a file sat on her lap. "Now, Elaine. I have spoken Vivienne regarding your employment."

Sniggering, I lifted an eyebrow, "Oh?"

"Yes." She opened the file, lifting a report out and closing it, "I have here the contract, and have made adjustments to it that enables Vivienne to lend your services to other people as she chooses."

_Oh_. That wasn't funny. "You have?"

Vivienne saw the shift in attitude and sat forward, "Let her finish, my dear."

"I would like to employ you now and again, to deal with Inquisition matters that you are... uniquely qualified for."

I blinked, not sure what to think.

On one hand I was getting paid quite a bit. On the other I felt like I was being passed around like I wasn't actually a person, moved about like a pawn on a chessboard.

"Or- And this is an outlandish concept- you could have asked me." I said, no longer in the mood for sweet cakes as I pushed the plate away. "Damn the contract-" I brushed that to the side too, "What's the job?" I eyed Vivienne like 'we'll talk about it later' for a moment before turning back to Leliana.

She passed the file over, "King Alistair, a personal friend of mine, has appealed to the Inquisition for aid with what he believes to be a Venatori plot at an annual ball between Ferelden Orlais. You, as you have stated previously, would call yourself a Bard. Those are the kinds of people we need to address this issue."

"I said that in passing when defending a friend, what makes you think I wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb at a ball?"

Vivienne shook her head, small grin playing at her lips, "If there's one thing I've learned about you, Elaine darling- it is that you have an exceptional talent to adapt. Besides, you have been amongst those of noble birth, you know the Game."

"Yeah, as a casual player. One who dances across the board and knocks over the king piece by chance." Glancing between them, I was nearly laughing with disbelief, "But at a real ball? Do you not have any other people?"

"This team needs to be the best." Leliana insisted, "I believe that is you."

Leaning back with a huff, I blew some hair out of my eyes and looked between then again. "I have to wear a ballgown? A mask?"

"Yes. It is imperative that you blend in."

I pursed my lips, and found that my foot was tapping as I thought about this. "What if I went as like a left-hand to a noble who could serve as a distraction while we find the Vints? Like Josephine? Or Dorian?"

Leliana actually considered it, "Dorian would be a very suitable distraction."

"Yes. Well-" I stood up, brushing myself off, "While you consider using people for personal gain, I'm gonna go see a Qunari about an alienage."

Something about that whole conversation didn't sit well with me, but-

"Was that a yes Elaine?"

I barely turned half way around, and I wasn't smiling when I eyed the pair of Ladies on the couch, "For Anya. For you, Vivienne. For the Inquisition. Not for money."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is as far as ive ever gotten with a dragonage fic. tell a friend


	23. True name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> talking to anya, finding a room, talking to lillie

"You." A gruff voice called out to me from behind a crumbled piece of wall. "Hey, you! Elf!"

Already in a mad mood, I just ignored them and kept walking. This thing with Vivienne and Leliana really irritated me, just for some reason got on my left nerve.

" _Oi knife-ear_ I was talking t-" The second he stepped around the crates and attempted to grab at my arm, my hand shot out behind me. I grabbed his reaching fingers, turning around at the same time, twisting his whole arm back.

"I have a name. So does every single elf you call 'knife-ear'." I hissed, pushing away the pain in my arm as I twisted his hand and arm even more. "I have a had a long day. My _name_ is Elaine. If you want someone to do something for you, ask nicely, and refrain from trying to grab at female elves, or any women for that matter. Or _next time-_ " Squeezing his fingers so hard he made a high-pitched squeaking noise, "You'll loose em. Got it?"

Taking his squeak of pain as affirmation, I let his hand go and went on my merry way.

I saw Hawke and the others on their way to the horses, she was leaving already to catch up with Logain at Crestwood, seemed as if shit was progressing so quick I could barely keep up.

I spotted Anya on her way back up from the stables and went to catch up, falling into step with her as she climbed the stairs.

"So. _Inquisitor_. Feelin' good about it? Weird? Not weird?" I grinned, turning to see her expression.

She just looked tired, stressed, but relieved to see a friendly face, "Definitely strange. I feel as if I am deluding myself into thinking I can do this job."

"It's just like any other." I waved a hand, "From a certain point of view."

"Oh? So it's the same as my old mercenary job, then?"

"Sure. You go out and kill people, right wrongs, fix problems. It's all the same around here, some people just seem to believe status is a thing." I rolled up the sleeves of the oversized shirt I was wearing as I spoke.

Anya seemed to really think about it, "You really have a unique perspective- of course, status does exist. It is the way things are."

"Yeah," Pursing my lips at the scratches and scars still not fully healed from Haven, I glanced back at her, "But they're just constructs. Made up. Am I supposed to believe that an Empress has more value than a Baker? Or that a human life more value than an elven, Qunari, or dwarven? This side of the Fade, we're all just pretty sacks of meat. We can't choose what bodies we have. Thinking one is worth more, or is above another, is just... ridiculous."

She really was listening to every word I said. We'd stopped walking and were leaning against the wall as we spoke. Even though she was much taller, and the Herald of freaking Andraste, I got the sudden thought that we were speaking as equals, as friends. It was really nice.

"I never thought of people as 'meat sacks.' But you are right, it is all constructed."

I grinned, pitching on leg up on the wall as we leaned back against it, "Yep. Oh-" My head whipped as I remembered, "I meant to ask you something. But I got distracted."

"What do you need?"

"Okay, first of all, you're a really great friend and in the future I'm going to ask you that- second a few of my elves were thinking of starting... well, kind of an Alienage. But between you and me, the word Alienage has weird vibes." We watched as a group of soldiers struggled past carrying the biggest desk, trying to manoeuvre it up the stairs to Cullen's office.

"Hm. I think that is a rather good idea."

"Same! Which is was I brought it to you, it'd be more of a safe space for non-humans. My friend Clara seems to be in charge, and I kind of already appointed her the elder."

"It is a great idea." She thought for a moment, "They found space?"

"Yep, if you have time, I'll show you."

***

My rooms were ... pretty cool. To say the least.

Because I spent most of my time chilling around the main hall, I called dibs on one of the rooms out the door past Leliana's work area. You go out the door, walk along the wall path and there's a whole bunch of doors with rooms behind them. They're rather private, and quite large. Leliana has the closest one, then Joesphine, Dorian, Casimr, and myself. Somehow I got the one on the end, with the extra windows.

It was as open as castle rooms can get really, the door huge and wooden with a cool knocker. Little steps led down into a small sitting area around the fireplace. Hip height book shelves lined the walls under the many windows, with a huge desk the right opposite the fireplace.

Up a few steps raised into the room was a bed way bigger and more comfortable than the last one, the headboard against the left wall. A chest at the foot, and a big wardrobe next to that.

The interesting part, in the far right corner was a walled off section behind a closed door, that hid an inset, tiled bath tub. It was so cool! And raised a bunch of questions when I turned one of the taps to find hot running water.

How? Up high in a castle? In Thedas they had running water? Must've been some sort of spring beneath the mountain.

The room was so nice, and unbelievably private, not a sound reached me in there when the door was closed.

When I got there the only things in the room were the furniture, so I decided to finally utilise the gold I'd saved up to really make it feel like home.

I bought throw rugs and adorned fabrics, and soooo many pillows for those nice couches. I brought over stacks of books that Vivienne had sent for that were mine from when I stayed with her. The tops of the shelves filled with kick-nacks I'd collected over my time here, displayed most proudly my pointe shoes in a prominent position.

My wardrobe filled quickly, and my repaired set of armor and sparkling new daggers found a place in the chest next to my backpack.

I was feeling well and truly at home as I sat down when I was done. I hadn't ever had a place to myself before. Who could afford not to share in the middle of London? This one felt like... a little piece of Thedas I'd carved for myself. Somewhere that belonged to me.

A knock sounded at the door as I stoked the fire and mentally went through a list of cool art projects I could do to make the room prettier.

"Who is it?" I called, standing up and glancing behind me to the door.

"It's me." Came the muffled voice of Lillie at the door, and I scrambled up the steps to open it.

She looked tired, but good, when I let her in and sat her down on the couch as I fixed some tea.

"How're the rooms down near the tavern? Chargers treating you ok?" I sat on the arm of the couch, watching as she glanced about the room.

Her ears kind of tinged red, "They're... good."

I felt a smirk grow, "Riiiight. Fine- don't tell me. I suppose I could just ask Bull-"

"No don't!" She waved her arms frantically, feet swinging. I laughed at the redness in her cheeks, kind of glad that she'd found happiness here. In a place with so much darkness.

"So...?"

"He... ok it's complicated cause he kind of knew something about me sat differently."

"Ben Hassrath are good at figuring stuff out, it's kinda their job." I said, pouring out water into the cups before sitting down.

"I know, which is why, when he asked, I just came clean about it. It was easier than lying." She looked down at her hands, "It's nice... to hear my own name again."

"Lillie, whenever you want to hear your name you say the word and we'll shout it to the heavens together." I leant forward with a smile, but meant every word of it.

Her mouth twitched a bit, but then her expression changed as if realising something. "Can I ask you a question?"

Taking a sip of tea, I gestured with a wave of a hand for her to continue.

"Elaine... isn't your name. Is it?"

Grinning, I shook my head, "No. Elaine was my best friends' name before I crossed over... at first I couldn't remember my own name, and I must've had my friend on my mind cause I could remember her clear as day. Well... we called her El but, it's her full name."

"Would you switch back?"

I had to think about it for a minute. On one hand, my true name held a special place in my heart that could never be changed but, on the other Elaine had just become... me. In this world at least, it was who I was.

"I... don't know. I'd definitely answer to both, it took a long time to train myself not to answer whenever someone yelled my original name. Although, I haven't heard it much here."

She leaned forward too, wrapping both calloused, tanned hands around the tea cup, "Whenever you wish to hear your name, come to me and we will shout it from the heavens."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'll build up soon i promise, not every chapter can be action packed - this isnt My Immortal


	24. Voice and talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inner workings, feelings, solas development

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note here because of the music: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ofnl0nMJ8w8 listen at any point it's all good

It was probably the most beautiful thing I'd ever worn.

My friends had designed the elaborate costume to be the most multifunctional party dress in Thedas. The base was made of an odd black fabric that sometimes glistened with the odd pearlescent sheen of enchantments. Easiest way to describe it was as a catsuit, with masterwork padded boots to made muffle footsteps, but the top half of the thing was the pretty part. Long, cold-shoulder sleeves with beautiful embroidered gold flowers all along the arms and down the back in a 'V' shape, torso made of a tough leather, and a golden metal detail around the bust added a layer of protection, and also enabled them to attach a spectacular hand-embroidered swath of fabric that basically just wrapped around to turn the ensemble into a dress. I would be able to conceal weapons and lock-picks and poisons by strapping them to my legs. This was good.

"Who designed this?" I asked, in complete awe of the skirts as they swished and swayed around my ankles.

"Your templar friend, believe it or not. Amai." Leda stepped back to admire her work, "She and Jenny put their heads together when they found out you're going to Fereldan."

My eyebrows shot up, and at Clara's nod I stepped off the little box and started to undo the knot to the skirts. "I should thank them then," I'd learnt that people could have many different facets here, as much as you could pigeon-hole a templar woman into a stoic, huge brute, they could also be beautiful, strong, talented at so much more.

And a mouthy Irish dancer from another world had the potential to be an elven killer.

I sobered up at the sudden dark thought, pursing my lips and concentrating on the knot at my waist.

"You should- actually look at this." Clara turned and reached for an elongated book, passing it over to me. She pushed my fingers aside and worked at the pins and knots at my waist while I flicked through the... sketchbook?

"Whoa..." Shock flooded through me at what was on the pages. Sketches after sketches of ...me, wearing clothes I'd never dreamed of wearing.

Armour, dresses, casual clothes, ball gowns. They'd even painted some of them, annotated the sketches, stuck little snips of fabric into the margins. The paper was rough and dirty, as if the book had been passed back and fourth between them many times, and evidence of conversations between Amai, Jenny, and even Clara sat in the margins and in between drawings.

"I..." Had absolutely no idea what to say. I was so flattered, but shocked why they would invest so much time in this for me.

"You're a bard. A bard needs a wardrobe." Leda said so simply, I couldn't even argue.

"Additionally," Clara unwound the fabric of the skirt from around my waist as she spoke, "You're our voice. We... elves... have not had one for a long time."

Standing there, in clothes that they'd put so much care and thought into, I suddenly felt so touched. Here were some elves who I had not known for long, that thought of me in a light I never saw myself in. They believed in me, in my power to change things, in my voice.

Surging forward, I pulled the pair of them into a tight hug. Leda giggled into my shoulder, and Clara silently returned the hug.

Pulling away, I stood shuffling my feet in the sewing room. "So... Vivienne and Josephine were telling me I need a kind of... cover name."

Clara led me back over to the box and began helping me take off the catsuit as she spoke, "Cover name?"

"Bards usually adopt aliases so they can't be tracked back to their noble houses. A lot of humans go into that line of work but it doesn't look good for a family to have bards in the midst. So they come up with names to cover that. And the masks make the lure and mystery so much better."

Leda rolled her eyes from her spot across the room, "Humans are so strange."

There were a few smattered laughs around the room, and I smiled cause it was true.

"So... I need a name." I shrugged, and wandered behind the partition to change into my normal clothes. "You keep calling me your voice... what's elven for that?"

"Damned if I know." Jethon chimed in from the corner, "Those Dalish folk keep the old language a secret."

Pulling on a shirt, and careful of the scarring tissue on my arms, I stepped out from around the divider, with the sketchbook in hand. "True..."

"It's a good idea." Said Leda, tapping her chin, "Surely there's someone who knows though, what about the lady mage who used to be a Grey Warden?"

I had a feeling I knew someone who would know it, but kept it to myself, "She wouldn't know elven. She grew up in the circle."

"Right."

"I'll give it a think." Still holding the sketchbook, I handed it back to Clara with a reverent nod. "I need to go see Harritt about concealing weapons anyway."

"Don't be a stranger!" Leda waved after me. And I bid everyone goodbye and made my way out of the sewing room.

***

My dream space was cold when I arrived there. It wasn't a bad kind of cold, it felt more like ... a promise. The brush of a chill in the air before the first blanket of snow falls to the ground, coating everything in a serene white. The kind of cold that promised a gathering by the fire, laughter surrounded by loved friends and family, hands cupping mugs and sleep far from the mind.

The most comforting kind of cold there is.

As soon as I registered the feeling, falling snow danced across my vision, and I laughed. Throwing my hands up and turning around. Snow always reminded me of Ireland, the lake near our house would freeze over completely, and we would all go outside with our skates and not come back until dark.

Blinking, the longing for the family I had, and childhood I'd left brought the memory to life. Suddenly I was at the top of the hill on the farm, watching teenage self run down the hill after my brothers, little sister balanced on the shoulders of the eldest brother.

I followed the sound of boisterous shouting and laughter down to the lake, catching a glimpse of ginger hair standing out on the snow.

I stood at the edge, smiling broadly as I watched my siblings play on the ice. I'd always cherish these memories, I wouldn't ever forget, and I would forever miss them.

As I moved to sit, there was the telltale tug in my stomach that I hadn't felt in a while. Three tugs, Solas always knocked before he entered at least.

I dissipated the image of my siblings and my younger self, stepping out onto the ice, the skates appeared on my feet.

I'd always had a natural gift for ice skating, it was a form of dance, the connection made sense in my brain. So I was testing out a few tentative steps when Solas appeared on the ice.

"Hello." I said, turning my feet to stop, "What brings you here?"

He looked around at the scene, the ice and the snow around us, his eyes catching on my ears for a split second before landing on my skate-clad feet. "Those are..."

Smiling slightly, I lifted and angled a foot so he could see, "They're ice skates. You use them to dance on the ice."

His brow furrowed a bit, "Why..."

"Fun?" Laughing, reaching for his hand, I tugged him along, "Not everything has to have a purpose, Solas."

He materialised his own skates, in the same shape as mine, and I helped him gain his balance on the ice, showing him how I'd learned. Eventually I broke free, and in the distance registered a faint melody that nearly had me in homesick tears. The echo of a single cello, the sound of my mother practicing in her studio.

My eyes closed as the music reached my ears, I knew the melancholy sound of The Swan, I'd heard and danced to it before. My mums cello had a distinct ring, and before I registered it I was dancing, lost in my own head, in my own memories of home.

The ice and the full feeling in my chest only heightened the surroundings, and when the song flowed into Ave Maria next, my movement slowed, and I stood swaying slightly in front of Solas. A fresh tear falling down my face.

"This music," He began, carefully leading me over to the docks on the edge of the lake, "It is beautiful."

I wiped at my face, "It is. My mum played, we were never without music in our house."

He glanced down at me, but didn't say anything as we sat down with our feet dangling off the edge of the dock.

"I've been meaning to talk to you, Solas." I said, looking out over the lake.

"Indeed?"

"Yes. It's about... language. Elven, to be specific." At this I turned his way, I couldn't read his expression. "I'd like to learn."

His eyes gave nothing away, "You wish to learn the language of the People?"

"Well..." I shrugged, "Not exactly... I just want to feel... connected to the heritage I guess." It was odd talking this through with the Dread Wolf, I felt like he would understand but also there was the possibility he'd be angry.

"I know you don't feel like you have much in common with elves -or with me for that matter- but I am willing to learn. If you want to teach." I mumbled this into my hands, and after a moment, I felt warm fingers brush under my chin.

"You-" He shook his head, an awed smile on his face, "Are a marvellous wonder. Of course, it would be my pleasure."

A full smile dawned on my face, and again before it dawned on me what I was doing, I reached up and cupped my hand around his, pressing his hand to my cheek and leaning into it. "Thank you."

Eventually we broke apart, and just sat together for a while, somehow I found I enjoyed the company.

"Hey, Solas?"

"Yes?"

"What's the word for voice?"

" _Lehn_ , or _renan_. They mean different things." He replied informatively, and went on to explain more about how they _lehn_ is closer to actual voice, while _renan_ could mean a call, the voice of many. I nodded, liking the sound of both those words.

"What about... peace? Or people?"

Thus proceeded the impromptu language lesson, and I found that more went into the pronunciation, and shaping my mouth around words I wasn't used to was hard.

"You are a keen student, and a quick study." He grinned, "But that marks the end of the night."

Standing up on the ice, "This was fun. I'll see you in the daylight?"

He simply nodded, and with a wave of his hand I was awake in my own bed. 


	25. Moons and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cole doles out the truth, and theres a guest star

It's the worst when you can't get a wink of sleep. I was always like this when nerves got to me, always struggling to sleep, frustratingly attempting to untangle the knot of nerves in my chest.

What? It was a big deal. First bard mission, they were trusting me, Dorian, and a bunch of agents I'd never met, with the life of a _King_.

Alistair. King Alistair Therin, and his lady Aoife Cousland. Like... holy fuck? I dont know what I'm even going to do? It took me ages to get used to Anya, and I was still kinda freaking out about meeting Hawke and Isabella and Merrill, but ... the wardens were on a whole other level. Meeting Alistair and the Cousland could just spin me into distraction.

I couldn't sleep, my bed was comfortable, but my brain wouldn't calm down. So I just gave up, at some point you just have to get out of bed and do something to work out your pent up energy.

They had little music boxes down at the venders, and I paid off one of the elves to get me one and bring it to my room whenever a new one came in. I missed being surrounded by music, and I missed dancing, so it was good to have access to it again.

I stoked the fire, and lit the lanterns around the main area to bring some light in. It took a while, as the furniture was rather heavy, but I shoved the couches to the far left, lifting the coffee table on top of them and rolled the carpet up. Placing the music boxes on top of the mantle, all I had on was the breast band, and a pair of leggings as I tugged my rugged ballet shoes on, and wound up the music box.

It was very late at night, and in the stillness, the only sound that I could hear was the wooden chimes of the music box, and the pad of my dancing feet on stone floors. Pacing myself through a warm up, pliets- first, second, fifth, fourth- and then more. Changing boxes when one ran out, I was enjoying myself so much that I even forgot I was supposed to be sleeping.

When I finished, I stretched out the muscles and took a quick, hot bath to relax them. Then put all the furniture back into place.

By the time I was done, only two hours had passed. Although, in the stillness of a night on Thedas, time felt endless.

Wrapping Alice's coat around my torso and tugging on the little slipper shoes I'd stolen off Sera cause they were comfy. I ventured outside in search of a snack and some water.

It was _very_ early in the morning. The moons were still high, shining beautifully across the Frostback Mountains. From this high up the views were astonishing; you could understand why the Dwarves thought they would fall right into the sky. It looked endless, stars so bright. Twinkling, it seemed, just for me.

Smiling, I stopped and rested my elbows on the hip-high barrier, leaning on the stone blinking up in wonder at the sky I was only just becoming acquainted with. "I wonder if you're up there Earth." I whispered, "I wonder if, somehow, when I'm gone, you might visit this place. And explore all there is to find." The only sound in the night was the murmured whistling of a breeze under my hushed confessions.

"It's strange. And I feel as if I'm a stranger for being here. But I like it- no. I feel like I'm ... _home_. That's so weird." Laughing softly under my breath, I look down at my hands. They were (and had always been) mine, but hardened, far more calloused than they'd been. "I miss my family, though. I miss it all but... I think I can start to let go."

"But you don't want to let go." Cole's voice, suddenly sitting on the barrier I was leaning on, feet swinging freely, "You don't _want_ to forget."

I leant my chin on a hand, "Yeah, but what's the use in remembering if I can't actually get _back?_ I can only try to move on."

"They did too. But they're gone now. We're searching, wishing. Hope turned to defiance, to anguish, to stone. To peace. All gone, unfinished, but at peace."

My throat clogged up once the meaning caught and stuck, "I don't want to hear any more, Cole. I get it."

He turned to me in alarm, eyes wide under the hat, "I said the wrong thing. I made it worse." He leaned toward me slightly.

My jaw clicked as I pushed away from the wall and the spirit. "If you poke around in my head, make me forget what you just told me, you will be _very_ sorry."

He ducked his head, "I am sorry. I only wanted to help."

"Telling me they've gone? That they're at peace but... not finished? That's supposed to help?" Shaking my head, "You know what would _actually_ help?" Stepped closer, "A hug."

Somehow, I knew all along that the compassion spirit would give the best hugs, and I took a deep breath before pulling away. "I'd like to be alone now if that's okay."

With a nod, and a wistful smile, he disappeared.

I glanced up at the shifting moons one last time, "Time must be very fast where I come from. Because it feels like I've been here a life time." Then walked off down to the kitchens.

***

The ball was in Fereldan. But held all the pomp and circumstance of a masquerade in Orlais. Something about trying to appear as good hosts.

"So, my dear Elaine." Dorian drew his horse closer to my right. He was a chatty rider, while I usually stuck with making sure the horse didn't throw me off.

"When did you become so acquainted with high culture? Enough to become a 'bard'?"

I raised an eyebrow at the tone, momentarily forgetting about the horse. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Only that-"

"No need to explain. I get it." Cutting him off so I didn't hear the excuse for his view on elves. I didn't want to hear it, I was already crabby from not getting enough sleep (as if I was able to after the chat with Cole) and all that heavy emotion stuff.

Don't get me wrong though, I loved and admired Dorian. But some of the views that someone of the imperium has would always conflict with my own.

"I used to be a dancer, and I'm in the employ of Lady Vivienne. Because of this, I got used to being around nobles. And those who think they're better."

"I see." But he glanced sideways at me, "But there are some things that cannot be learned. Posture, for one, speech for another."

Now I grinned slightly. Impressed at the perceptiveness. "Yeah? What makes you think so?"

"I can just tell, my dear."

"What about you?" I said, shifting on the horse, "Surely you don't want to be stared at by a bunch of paranoid Fereldan's all night. What made you want to come?"

"I simply _adore_ court intrigue. Additionally, I may be of use in locating the Venatori assassins." He pointed out, facing ahead once again, accepting the change in subject. "Here we are." He said, nodding at the gates of the Fereldan capital looming in the distance.

Denerim. Even from here it looked huge and intimidating. Something about... knowing what could have happened here. All the way back at the end of the Blight. How Senna Mahariel, a _Dalish_ , with the help of Aoife Cousland, stopped the civil war, and ended the Blight, without _dying?_ Man. I was nervous just looking at the place.

"Been here before?" Dorian asked, still always one for conversation.

"Nope. Something about not wanting to be sold into slavery kept me away." I replied, eyes still on the looming city.

Before I had to hear him say 'But the slaves like it!' Our precession drew closer to the gates, and silence fell over the group.

The agent up the front got off his horse to speak with the main guard, and after a while of gesticulating and I heard the words 'Inquisition' and 'guest of the King', before we were let through.

The townsfolk were used to new people going in and out of town by now, so no-one stopped to stare when we rode in, heading directly through the lower areas. Blinking, I had to stop myself from shouting at the injustice of how things were looking. It was like Ba Sing Se in Avatar, the lower areas were mucky, and chaotic, it even smelled like no-one cared a bit about what went on here.

I nearly did a spit-take when we passed the Alienage. That place was bustling with activity but... every building looked damaged, ramshackle, and built like shoddy ikea furniture.

"Holy shit..." I breathed, straining my neck as we rode past.

"It is rather sad."

"I thought Alistair was going to help."

"Personally, my impression of him was that he had other concerns."

"I should have had a chat with him then," I grumbled, "Knock some sense into him."

"That I would pay to see."

Grumbling the whole way through to what could only be described as the palace, I didn't even stop to take it in -I knew it was sparkling in comparison to the Alienage. No need to see, to rub it in.

We were settled in our own quarters in two palace, I was given a side room for servants originally, but Dorian went off at them until they moved me into the best suit available. They had running water too, how about that!

As soon as I stepped into the room with my pack, my lips pursed, and I didn't take one more step before dropping the pack and drawing one knife.

"Show yourself, please. I've had a long day, my ass hurts from that stupid horse." I grumbled, glaring about the room.

A low chuckle echoed through the main room of the suite. It was so funny... I recognised the voice. I knew the voice of the laughing man.

My eyebrows shot up in utter shock, and the knife slipped from my grasp when a cloaked figure stepped out from behind one of the tapestries.

I breathed out on a sigh of astonishment, "Zev... _Zevran?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on a note: i love dorian to bits. Elaine on the other hand, cant really see past a lot of his faults


	26. Blood Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> barding all over the place
> 
> WARNING: Blood and violence later in the chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a very long chapter to make up for the time not posting. It's not my best writing but im hoping quantity is better than quality here

  
"Why are you in my room?"

"You know me?"

"I asked first."

"That you did." He swaggered over to the couch in the centre of the room, "I wished to see the infamous Elaine for myself. I believed Leliana to be exaggerating." I felt the tips of my ears heat up under that gaze. It was intense, smouldering. No wonder he pulled so many people, it was those glowing eyes.

"But now you are here... perhaps I was wrong." From his tone, it seemed like he was perfectly happy to be so. Which was a nice change from the usual stubborn pig-headedness I was used to dealing with.

I moved too, grabbing my bags and the knife off the floor, I began to settle into the room. Unpacking and so on. "So, Leliana sent you."

"She did. I am here to assist with your mission." He stretched out on the couch, extremely comfortable, picture of ease really.

"I thought that was Dorian's job."

"I cannot speak for the rather handsome man who accompanied you, but my goal is to aid in _any_ way I can."

How can someone make a sentence like that sound lurid? I felt like I needed to wash my hands, and also cursed my ears for their burning up.

"Well, I am sure we'll see each other out there," He swung his legs around, and stood up all in one fluid movement. Swaggering out towards the door, "Unless you wish for me to stay, and get... more acquainted."

"Ah, I think the one you should get acquainted with is two doors down on the right." Grinning back, despite the heat in my face, I opened the door wide as it would go. "Goodnight, Zevran."

"Elaine." My name was like a purr when he said it. Did he even try, or was that a natural thing?!

The door shut behind him with a creak, and I rubbed my eyes a bit before continuing on with unpacking.

***

I hadn't seen myself in a mirror in over three months. Today, it seemed, I was being extravagant. Sure, you catch yourself in a reflection or two, water or glass even. But not a proper mirror. Not a full-length, framed kind of mirror.

I'd need to ask Josephine if I could have one for my room when we got back.

For one thing, I was _ripped_. Never in my life had I been so muscled, even when I was dancing full-time had I been this built and that's saying something. Tanned as well, and far more scarred than before. No soft edges, no gentle curves.

Rough skin now, and hard cords of muscle. What the hell had happened to the girl with the little belly and baby soft ballerina hands? Cause she wasn't here.

No this elf in the mirror was tough, hardened, with a kind of ... warrior-like elegance and regal beauty I never thought I'd describe myself with.

"Well..." I said, watching the end of my glowing-orange braid sway between my shoulder blades as I turned around to observe if the knives were visible. "Here goes nothing, Renan."

***

"Announcing, Altus Dorian Pavus of Tevinter, accompanied by Lady Renan of the Inquisition." The announcer looked like someone had force-fed him a gallon of lime juice as he spoke.

Doran and I were greeted by murmurs and shocked glances as we descended the stairs into the ballroom. Because we were in Fereldan, it wasn't a masked ball like the ones Orlais liked to have. I could see everyone's faces, and they couldn't hide their disdainful expressions.

Orlesians have gotten so used to hiding their face, they've forgotten how to control them.

My skirts rustled about my feet gently as we crossed the way to greet the King and his Queen, Aoife Cousland. They knew what we were here to do, but we needed to keep up the pretence to weed out the Venatori assassins.

Never a sentence I ever thought I'd say. Sounded cool though.

There was a line of people waiting to greet the King and Queen, so we got in the queue.

From there, it gave me an excuse to look around.

While crowded, the expansive room could have several places for the assassins to be hiding in. To the right was the door to the kitchens, it kept opening and shutting as the servants dashed through with the food and drink, an easy way for someone to poison a drink would be as a servant. If you're the one serving it, you can control what's in it. Opposite that, a huge set of doors thrown open to the gardens outside, in the shadows amongst a maze of hedge and moonlight, any number of armed Vints could be hiding without anyone the wiser. In the middle, the dance floor, amidst twirling bodies and skirts you could swing by, stab someone and be gone as the blood stained the floor.

"How many?" Dorian spoke plainly, confidently.

"Too many." I replied, tone casual. I turned back around to face the line, but caught the eye of a servant in the corner. Golden hair tied back, a tattoo curving around the eye. Zevran?

With a wink in my direction, the servant lifted the wine jug and scampered away into the crowd.

So he had the servants covered... which meant I had to deal with the nobles.

"Okay," I turned towards Dorian as the line moved forward, closer to the King and Queen. "The plan, mingle. See if there's an accent, and attitude, even a magical aura that's familiar." My psychic stomach would help us know if there was any magic going on, I could always tell the difference between a friend using magic and someone dangerous.

"Do we have a signal?"

"Um..." I caught a whiff of a cheese platter carried by a servant walking past, and shrugged, "Mention cheese?"

He laughed under his breath a bit, "Alright."

Dorian was lovely, and started chatting again while we waited. I listened at first, but I caught the sight of someone looking rather out of place.

Standing behind the King and Queen, in full armour, was a dwarf woman. Her hair was long, and the hilt of a Warhammer bigger than her loomed over her shoulder. She almost appeared bored, but when I caught her eye, she levelled a curious look in return.

She definitely wasn't a Venatori... but there was something about her... that reminded me of something.

I didn't get to figure it out, because we'd reached the front of the line. Pleasantries were exchanged, but I was mostly just in awe of them both. Cousland was beautiful, and they made quite the pair.

Studying them, the way they spoke and moved, the way her hands often lingered protectively on her stomach. Ordinarily I wouldn't have jumped to a conclusion like this, but I was sure I was right.

Aoife saw my gaze on her dress, and a smile curved on her lips. "So, how goes the Inquisition?" Her voice almost sounded Scottish, which was weird cause that's Starkhaven not Fereldan.

"We fair very well, your Highness." I inclined my head, "We have settled into Skyhold rather seamlessly."

She smiled, and I noticed that her eyes were a rather light shade of grey, "That is good to hear. The gardens are lovely, but I do miss the mountain air sometimes."

"Oh, well we haven't had the opportunity to see the gardens-"

"I would be glad to give you a tour Lady Renan."

Beaming up at her, I inclined my head. "I would be honoured." If we went to tour the gardens it would be a prime opportunity to see if anyone would follow. To drawn out the Venatori and take them out without any of their allies noticing.

Dorian took over the conversation, but I couldn't get over how Alistair seemed to not want to let go of Aofie's hand... and kept glancing at her almost worriedly.

Gah, this wasn't what I was here to deduce!

We dismissed ourselves and backed off, towards the left corner of the area. Later, the Queen would send someone so we could 'tour the gardens'.

"So, ya spotted it, eh?" A gruff, gravely voice spoke behind us. The dwarf appeared, hand on hip, armour gleaming in the candle light. "Got a good eye."

"It wasn't hard to see. Alistair, he can't hide his emotions very well." I told her, and watched as she snorted, moving closer to the two of us.

"Shai Kamran. Grey Warden- well. Used to be. Long story." She shook her head in dismissal, as if she didn't want to elaborate, "And you... Renan. A pretty name."

"It is."

"Pity it's not ya real one."

"Do I know you from somewhere, Shai?" I leaned forward.

"I think I'd remember."

She seemed to be just completely uncooperative... on a gut instinct, I levelled a meaning stare at her. "London maybe?" A true gambit, she'd either know what I was saying or just completely miss it.

She visibly started though, blinked a few times. She opened her mouth to say something then closed it, shaking her head again, "Now's not the time. Or the place. You've got a job to do, and so do I."

"True."

"Later then, Messere."

"Goodbye."

"What in the blazes was that? I completely missed that entire conversation." Dorian immediately piped up as Shai wandered off, back towards Aiofe and Alistair.

Shaking my head, "Later." I grabbed his arm and gestured to the dance floor, "Shall we?"

Dorian was a good dance partner, but I was a natural at it. I remembered all the different dances, the way I was supposed to glide and turn over the floor. Dancing had always seemed to focus me, and it gave us an excuse to get a look at all the other nobles.

"Seen anyone?"

"No."

"The cheese has not yet soured."

He laughed quietly, and the music swelled and then quieted down a bit.

"May I have this dance, Lady Renan?" Another voice cut over the hubbub of the room, directly next to me.

Nodding, I stepped away from Dorian after shooting him a look, "Of course." I offered the Orlesian man a warm smile, but on the inside I was observing his every movement.

Moustache, older guy, Orlesian accent... he seemed normal. Right down to the expensive shoes.

As soon as the next dance began, he started talking. He was a weaselly man, who wanted to pick my brain about the Inquisition. Particularly he was interested in Anya, and wanted to know our stance on a Qunari in such a position of power. He was a grade a douche, but not our assassin.

I could also write a full length essay on why he was wrong about races other than humans taking up human-typical positions of power.

The evening drew on, and I grew more antsy.

One dance partner flowed into another, at one point a woman stepped up to take the place of a rather nice Fereldan noble (Leonhardt his name was. A friendly if tired guy). She was gossipy, air headed, but loved answering questions about people. She was a huge font of knowledge on everyone.

"You are a _superb_ dancer by the way," She chittered, blonde curls bouncing, "You performed in the Chorus in Val Royeaux, did you not?"

Inclining my head in an attempt to look bashful, "Yes I did."

"Well you are very talented."

" _Je suis flatté_ , Lady Mantillion." I replied, in Orlesian. In an attempt to make her feel more comfortable, disarming with words thats me.

She beamed, "Ah, you are an _adorable_ little rabbit aren't you?"

If my eye twitched at her term for elf, she didn't remark on it. Simply continued to dance with me. Then after, she invited me over to meet her friends.

There were only two of them, another Orlesian and one Fereldan. But they were all as gossiped up as she was, a few choice words and I was in. They would talk about anyone.

They spoke mostly about how other peopl appearances, and who they were all sleeping with. It was all rather finicky, trying to decide what was useful info and what was plain drivel.

"There are a few new faces, apart from you Lady Renan." The Fereldan girl smiled at me, a true one, "Him for example, his accent and mannerisms are Fereldan. But I have not seen him at court before. Or at the usual tavern." She gestured across the room, to a tall man sitting at a table.

I watched as he looked around, noted how his knee tapped up and down. A nervous Fereldan in a room full of Orlesians? Not uncommon, since the occupation Fereldans were born untrusting of the Orlesians, it was in their blood. But then I watched as a human servant (not skinny and underfed like a lot of the other servants running about. Also worth noting the ratio of elven servants to human servants was fairly uneven.) bent over and poured him some more wine, and he glanced at her, his mouth murmuring something as she nodded and pulled away.

Weird.

Okay definite suspect number one and two. Zevran could handle the serving girl if I told him... where is he....

There! Near the King and Queen! "Pardon me, but I am quite parched." I stood up slowly from the table, "Excuse me."

Lady Mantillion stood up with me, she held out a hand for me to shake gently, "If you're ever in need, please do write. I've _so_ enjoyed your company."

I nodded, "You as well."

She smiled slyly. Guess I'd just made a useful ally.

As I passed Dorian -who seemed to be lounging with a group of people- I jerked my chin in the direction I was heading but continued on to Zevran.

"Ah, thank you." I stopped him before he could wander off, he did look rather fetching in that outfit. Then again, he looked fetching in anything.

He poured wine into my glass and waited.

Taking a sip, I whispered over the rim, "Human servant. She has auburn hair and a green dress on. See if you can corner her and get info out of her before incapacitating her." I turned around, to smile at Dorian as he wondered up.

"There you are!"

Dorian grinned as Zevran backed away in my peripheral vision. "You have been quite busy, I see."

"I could say the same to you." I nodded at the crowd of people he'd been sitting with, "I need you to talk to that man," Indicating him with my glass, Dorian subtly turned to glance at him but then looked around the room to cover it.

"He's new in Court. See if you can find a hole in his accent. Let me know if he trips up." I whispered, "Zevran is going for the servant."

"There should be one more." Dorian replied, "The reports stated that their numbers here were limited, any more than three new comers would be suspect."

"You are right." I nodded, finishing my glass of wine and placing it down. "I'll find the last one, you concentrate on that guy."

"Yes, Lady Renan." He inclined his head with a knowing grin and walked away.

"Excuse me, madam, may I have this dance?" A thick Orlesian accented voice spoke next to me.

It belonged to a younger man, he was quite gorgeous actually, but his eyes gleamed in an oddly cunning way.

Something about him put me off. But I didn't want him to know that, so I smiled slightly and nodded. Letting him lead me onto the dance floor.

He was almost as good as I was at the dancing part. Which came as a surprise. Tossing his hair back, he started to speak. That accent extremely prominent. "So, I simply must know," He began, "Where were you trained?"

"Hm?" The question caught me off guard, but I did my best not to show my surprise to him.

"You are well versed in the matters of the game. Far too knowledgeable from having picked it up, you must have trained somewhere."

"I wasn't trained specifically. Some have a natural talent." I replied casually, noticing that he seemed to be steering our dance towards the door.

He snorted in a rather ugly manner, "Rubbish. Someone trained you, it isn't the place of a rabbit to walk amongst nobles like it belongs."

I nearly stopped dancing completely, instead my smile turned from warm to ice as I stared him down. "Is that what you believe?"

"It is fact." He seemed angered, his grip on my hand and waist tightened a degree, enough to hurt, "You have a place. Just because you do not know it, does not mean you cannot be taught." As he said that, in his anger, his accent seemed to slip away... DIs I just stumble across the last Venatori?

Then a weird thing happened.

As I blinked up at him, my head seemed to get hotter, vision almost getting blurry for a moment. And my stomach convulsed painfully, like it was rejecting something. And my brain felt like it was swimming in a boiling pool of water.

I was almost swaying on my feet, enough so that I couldn't fight when he wrenched my wrist I followed behind without complaint.

We were deep into the maze-like gardens before I snapped out of whatever trance I'd fallen into. The doors back to safety had long-since disappeared from view.

Panic surged through me, chasing away any last traces of whatever magic the guy had used.

His grip was iron on my wrist (Just knew it'd bruise like a son-of-a-bitch in the morning), as he stopped. Backing me against the shadow of a statue, his other hand went to my chin, tilting my face this way and that to get a better view.

Disgust rolled through me in waves, the panic making my heart kick into overdrive. I had to alert someone, get them to help, surely there was another living soul in these gardens who could-

_Hold the fuck up. Screaming? Who do you think you are?_

_You can help your fucking self._

Thanking the voice in my head that at that point I didn't care if it was my own or not, I forced myself to smile lazily at the man. Trying to fool him into thinking I was still under the spell.

"Yes." He seemed rather pleased, the arrogant douche. "For one such as you, obedience is a fine quality. And you are rather beautiful..."

"What would you wish of me?" I forced the slurred speech (How do people even act when they're under a spell??) And the smile.

"I might have... a few uses... for one such as yourself..." He pressed me further against the stone with enough strength that it hurt. But his eyes seemed rather torn.

"But I do have a job to do." In his hesitation, he drew back slightly, and I took the opportunity when I saw it.

Without even thinking about it I rammed my head up into his face. The loud _crack!_ resounded through the empty gardens as his nose broke and he stumbled away.

Smirking, I tugged on the tie of my skirt, unwrapping the fabric to reveal the multitude of weapons strapped to my body. Throwing the skirt onto a bush, I drew a dagger and aimed it right at his head.

Though injured, he was still very conscious. And capable of fighting back. He jerked away as the dagger soared past his ear, aiming a bloody glare in my direction.

I was already drawing to larger daggers, running directly for him without even hesitating. I leaped slightly, switching the knives positions mid air, my feet found holds on his knees the moment got close. At the same time the knives dug down deep in to his neck and shoulders. All the way to the hilt.

He wretched, my momentum mixed with the knives in his shoulders brought him crumbling down.

Kneeling atop him, I let go of my daggers and crossed my arms. "Okay _hombre_. You're a Venatori right?"

He turned and spat out a mouthful of blood, " _Lepus cunnis_."

Picking one of the knives in his shoulder, I grabbed the hilt, "I have no clue how to speak latin dumb-ass. But I don't like that tone so-" Twisting the thing somehow further into the wound, I raised my eyebrows at the groan of pain, "In common please. _Merci_."

He began to mutter a string of curses while also implying that I somehow was the bi-product of a hare copulating with a deformed nug. Growing tired of it all, I wrenched one of the knives out his shoulder and immediately jammed it into his open palm.

If his scream echoed, I hoped no one in the ball-room heard it.

"Fine! I am!" He coughed, surely close to dying by now, the Orlesian accent gone completely and replaced with one exactly like Dorian's. Now we're getting somewhere.

"Are you alone?" I sat back, crossing my arms.

"There are two others- a girl in the servants and another one posing as a Fereldan noble-" He paused to groan, an awful choked sound that nearly made me feel bad.

I nodded at this, "Your mission?"

"Kill them- the king and queen-" His eyes fluttered, and the open wound in his shoulder weeped with blood. " _You_ -" Gaping up at me, I backed up at the fearful, hatred-filled look in his eyes. It was almost manic.

"Blood... magic..." The effort for him to speak must've been huge, " _Adversor... imperium sanguinem obstructionum... daemonium_."

I stood up, backing away towards my skirt as he repeated the Tevinter words over and over as he died. Keeping a close eye on him, I checked my clothes for blood-stains but found none. What the hell kind of fabric is this?!

"I see you have disposed of this one." Zevran's voice, from behind me as he stepped into the clearing, "That wrapped up rather nicely."

"Excellent," I agreed tiredly, leaning against the statue, "It's been a long night."

The other elf levelled an amused and curious stare in my direction, "So it has." He agreed, motioning with two fingers.

The clearing became a blur of motion as soldiers came to clear up the mess. They gave me a wide berth on their way out too, but I ignored their glances and tied my skirt back into place.

Zevran led me back to the ballroom, "Do you know what he was saying just know?"

I barely understood Orlesian, how the hell was I supposed to understand Tevene? It's basically latin, which in my world was a dead language! "No."

"Interesting."

I ignored the tone, choosing instead to fix my hair as the doors finally came back into view.

The rest of the night flew by swiftly and without incident. Turns out Zevran killed the servant, and Dorian managed to incapacitate the last one, who was now in the dungeons ready for questioning. It really did all tie up rather neatly, a fine job for my first bard mission.

We were walking down the hallway back to our rooms, Dorian and I escorted by Zevran.

I was very tuned out at this point. It was very late, and all I wanted to do was sleep.

But Zevran asked Dorian something that peaked my interest. He was repeating the phrases that the Venatori mumbled before he died, and Dorian was frowning deeply.

"Blood control? Resistance? _Demon?_ " He sounded incredulous, "Are you sure that's what he said?"

"I do not lie."

Nearly snorting at Zevran saying that and choosing to concentrate on the translated words. Blood control? Had he used _blood magic_ on me? And what... I wasn't supposed to just shrug it off?

_Wow_. Cause things weren't already difficult enough.


	27. Forget Me Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone needs a mental health day even the inquisitor

I had no idea why when I went to sleep, I immediately fell into dream. You'd think I'd want to have a relatively stress-free sleep but nope. Not me. Nothing's stress free for Elaine.

I was back in the ballroom, weaving through twirling and dancing forms of glittering, shimmering gold.

"If it will improve your mood, you do look beautiful." Why had I not expected it, shaking my head I turned and regarded Solas. His sudden appearance in my dreams again after today was welcome, if a surprise.

"How did you know I'm in a bad mood?" I said, moving back towards the middle of the dance floor.

Lifting a hand, he followed on my heels deeper into the ballroom. "Your shoulders tense up when you're upset."

At first my eyebrows furrowed, but I was caught between flattered and confused. Feeling the tips of my ears heat up, I rushed to cover it up so he wouldn't notice, bending my knees, I lent back and sat down on the floor in a heap. The skirts of my ensemble flared out around me, and I frowned at them in irritation until I blinked and I was just left in the catsuit without the skirt.

I felt his warmth as he sat down next to me. Crossing his legs and leaning a chin on his hand, "I take it the mission was successful?"

"It wasn't a problem- just... urgh. It's hard to explain." Leaning back, I put my weight on my hands and let myself lean back.

He didn't reply, only tilted his head to the side.

"I ... _enjoyed_ it too much. It was thrilling. I was a bard today. And it was scary that I found it all so easy, so natural. You probably don't get it but... where I'm from I was never like this."

"Like what?"

"I never doubted myself so much. I always knew what I wanted, and what to do was always decided. It's like that for everyone, and I never felt the need to rebel before because that's just how things are." I smiled sadly at his confused expression, "But here, in a way I'm much freer. But there's less for me to be."

We were silent for a moment, and I adjusted so I was facing him on the floor, "I'm sorry I'm not better company tonight."

"It is alright, you had a long few days."

Offering him a smile, "Maybe you can cheer me up, what have you all been up to while I'm saving Kings from Tevinter assassins?"

Chuckling, he shook his head, "Nothing so exciting."

"Tell me! I'm interested."

So I sat there on the floor of a massive ballroom, listening to the Dread Wolf spin his stories. I knew they were on their way back from Crestwood, and I knew before he even spoke what had happened there. But the way he spoke about the things that went on... undead rising from the lake, the shifty mayor of the town, Command barking orders at Anya until she did what was told.

The way he spoke, eyelashes brushing cheeks from hooded eyes, the idleness of a grin playing at the edges of his mouth. Words soft and unhurried. He was much himself in the Fade, and very different from how he was outside of it.

"Did you just say a _dragon?!_ " I exclaimed, leaning forward, "A whole dragon was in Crestwood?! Please tell me you guys teamed up with Hawke, taking down the huge beast without even lifting a pinky finger."

He chuckled, "We were warned to steer very clear from its lair. Though the Inquisitor seemed compelled to go back, so I am sure we'll return."

"So cool." I whispered, still in awe. What a picture, dragons swooping in and people fighting them with magic and swords? That's a nerds dream!

"You seem very fascinated by dragons."

"Aren't you? They're so awesome, huge lizards that spurt fire or some other stuff and fly around tryna kill you? What could be better?"

"Erm... not that?"

"I'll turn you around on dragons- just you see."

Suddenly my stomach jolted, and then returned to normal. I stretched, and noticed the change in his expression.

"We gotta wake up don't we?" I asked, reluctant.

For what it's worth, he seemed to be in the same boat, "Yes."

"Urgh- a day of riding a stupid horse. Oh joy." The thought made my face scrunch up in displeasure, "Although... maybe I could meet with a few people before I leave..."

"You mentioned some friends." He offered a hand, and pulled me up to stand, I was too busy thinking I didn't even notice that he hadn't withdrawn. Thumb tracing circles into the back of my hand.

"There were a few... and that odd dwarf. She said she used to be a Grey Warden. How can you just stop being a Grey Waden?"

His expression grew displeased, I knew he didn't like the grey wardens. Probably more than he hated Tevinter and tea. "I do not know how one can cease to be a Grey Warden. To my knowledge it was a life-time commitment."

Shrugging, only half paying attention to the conversation. Mostly because his hand (engulfing and dwarfing my own) was making my chest tighten, and my arm tingle. I wasn't at all used to the sensation. "Maybe I should ask her. She seemed like she wanted to be friends." My stomach tugged again, and I reluctantly sighed.

"Be careful."

"Of course." I smiled, and the last sight before I woke was the transition of his eyes from pleasantly calm to the recognisable sadness of a man who had just realised something, and hated what it was.

***

"You are awfully quiet my dear. By know usually I would have heard at least one complaint about your horse." Dorian, pulling the reins to slow down so he could ride beside me, glanced over worriedly.

"It's nothing, _ma'falon_." I'd taken to calling him such after the ball. He despite his upbringing, was really friendly and understanding. I always had liked him in the game, but was unprepared for how comfortable it was being friends with Dorian. Plus, I'd been getting lessons from Solas in regards to the elven language during the nights. I was getting rather good too. Next on my list was Orlesian (French. I was okay at it anyway), then if Josephine had time to teach me Antivan I'd be right as rain... Bull seemed reluctant to teach me proper Qunlat, and I didn't want to force him, so I had Vivienne track down a tome on their language and culture that was actually quite interesting. It was waiting for me back at my rooms at Skyhold.

Whoa. Sorry. I get side-tracked with these things.

"Right. Nothing. I absolutely believe you." He scoffed.

"I'm just tired, Dorian. Don't be such a worry-wart.." Half true, I was absolutely exhausted, but my mind was still at the palace, playing the last two days on repeat.

Hard to move on immediately from things like this. I killed someone, brutally. Only natural to need time to think.

Dorian blinked at the earthism, but moved on like a lot of Thedas people did when I said something that confused them. Shaking his head, "Talking is usually a popular solution, I've found. Actually, so is drinking. I believe I have a bottle or two-"

"You have _wine_... in a _saddle-bag?_ " The absurdity of the statement shook me out of my funk for a second.

He laughed too, "Well I was going to say back at Skyhold. I unfortunately forgot my travel-sized bottles."

I covered my mouth to stop the laughter, "You're a comedian."

"Again, I do not understand these words." He seemed perplexed, "Alas, this was not what we should he discussing."

"I told you,  _falon_." Insisting, my laughter died down, "I don't want to talk about it." He fell silent, and a twinge of guilt made me continue. "I'm sorry, Dorian. It's my stuff. I know you're trying to help, but it's not really something anyone can help with... tell you what though; when we get back, we'll pop open one of Anya's good bottles." Whispering conspiratorially.

He nodded, "Elaine you are a women after my own heart."

Grinning, I lent back in my saddle, but a pain shot up my spine after a second, " _Goddamn_ \- I ever tell you how much I _hate_ horses?!"

***

It was bloody fantastic to be back.

I'd missed my rooms, my ginormous bed, the collection of music boxes on the mantle, the shoddy sketch I'd drawn of my old family on the shelf, the huge amount of used and loved books lining along the sides. Even my desk! I missed it so much.

Even in a world I hadn't been born in I craved familiarity.

I was still in that mood when I wandered past Solas (waving as I went) up to Leliana's to give a full report as to what happened at the ball. It was worsened by the time I went back down though, something with having to have every detail and choice I make scrutinised at every turn.

Leliana though. Since we talked before Casimr was freed, she'd been... much nicer. To me at least. Don't misunderstand me, she was still a cold hard-ass, but I kept getting glimpses of her old, cheerful self. It was rather enjoyable to see.

I was going down to the tavern in search of food, waving at Dorian and Casimr (Well well well, aren't they close?) on the way past, I decided to go via Cullen's. He got a lot of foot traffic in his office, he wouldn't notice one hungry -if slightly red headed- elf walk through.

I offered Solas a small smile as I walked past, but he was reading so I didn't disturb him.

Throwing open the outer door, I took a deep breath of the fresh mountain air. The crisp breeze flowing from the Frostbacks was phenomenal. Near cleansing in how fresh and nice it was.

Good to clear the head of negative thoughts.

I took a few steps, then noticed Anya. Leaning against the wall facing Cullen's door. Her braids weren't tied back today, and fell past her shoulders in an intricate curtain, she appeared to be staring... well, glaring... into space.

Wandering closer, I noticed her jaw clenched, so tight her teeth must've been grinding together.

"Anya... are you okay?" I cautiously asked, then kicked myself for asking it. This was the Inquisitor, I was no-body. Who did I think I was to ask questions?

"Elaine!" At the sight of me standing above her she jumped up, sniffing and trucking some braids behind a horn. "I was just-"

"It's cool, Anya. Even the Herald needs a breather." Smiling slightly, I shuffled my feet kind f awkwardly. Knowing there was _something_ wrong, but not wanting to blurt it out and insult her in the process.

She was much taller, but I could see her lip quiver a bit before she burst into tears.

Sympathy rushed through me, and I immediately rushed forward with my arms outstretched, "Oh, Anya. You too, huh?" Guess I wasn't the only one who needed some comfort.

She didn't hesitate, only wrapped her arms around my waist, not caring about my ribs, I hugged her back with as much strength aa I could muster.

Sometimes, a hug can go a very long way.

Pulling away first, she set me firmly down on the ground and backed away. "I know I am being idiotic... I should be strong but-"

"Crestwood really got to you." Shit, in the same position I would've lost it the second I got to that hellhole. Undead rising from a lake, bound to take its toll on a girl.

"That damned mayor, the coward." Despite the vitriol, sue sniffed and sat down again, and I joined her. Leaning against the wall obscured in shadow.

I had to bite my tongue. In all honestly, it was my believe that the mayor had made the right call. Every person under that lake was infected with the Blight, they were dead long before the water rushed in to finish the job. It wasn't a popular opinion, merely a realistic one.

One she probably wouldn't want to hear.

So I signed, and dug around my pockets for a clean hanky. "Here," Passing it over when I found one, "The mayor was a jerk who was more scared for his own skin than that of his people."

"It seems as if a lot of leaders are that way."

"Naw, you're different. From my encounter with the Fereldans they were different too."

"Rarities. Exceptions. Besides if I am such a great leader, why do I doubt myself so often? Why do I struggle with every decision, every choice, attempting to find some semblance of middle ground when there is none."

"I won't pretend to know how you feel," I said, turning her way and putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "But I still will say that you're the best leader we could ask for. You have tue guts to make choices anyone else would refuse to make. You're kind, yet not dumb. I admire you for all that you have done, will continue to do."

She seemed startled, as if she had no idea to expect this from me. "Elaine, I admit when you first came up to us, I believed you to he merely a hand of madam Vivienne. But you are so much more." Anya leaned over to hug me again, and this time we both drew comfort from each other.

"I saw the report out of Fereldan about the vints you thwarted." She continued, pulling away, "I received a missive from Queen Aiofe herself praising your efforts."

"I just did my job. Dorian and Zevran did the same."

"Ah," She smiled sadly, "But they did not speak with the queen upon leaving did they?"

Shit. I'd thought no one would mention it. It was just a conversation, she's spoken about how Zevran seemed to be quite intrigued, and then Shai Kamran had interrupted, they'd all adventured together.

It's been an unsettling conversation. I'd felt like a small child amongst giants.

"Well..."

"I understand. I used to be in your shoes. A small piece on a large board." She glanced back over, "Perhaps one day, you will be in mine."

"They are rather large shoes." I quipped, uncomfortable and trying to make up for it.

She laughed, again wiping at her eyes before standing up. Offering me a hand, I stood and dusted myself off, looking up, I noticed her staring down at the clearing towards the right where the tavern was.

Anya's expression was soft, gentler than I'd ever seen her when she looked down there. Following her gaze, I found the brightly coloured form of Sera unmistakably dressing up a practice dummy in dirty robes, a hat balanced on its head.

"She likes you too, you know." I spoke without even thinking, "There's no reason to hesitate."

"I know." Anya smiled widely, pocketing the hanky, "She just makes me smile, helps me feel better."

Bumping her shoulder, "What're you doing with me, then?"

"She was alone, and felt lost staring up at the sky." Cole's voice that time from behind us, his hands were full and expression confused as he glanced at me. "I was going to help. But I am not needed?"

"Nonsense, _falon_." I stepped forward, "You're always needed."

I saw his huge crooked smile under the hat. He held out his hands, offering us little bunches of flowers.

My throat closed up at the little bunch of forget-me-nots and the tiny dandelions. My favourite flowers.

Anya reached for hers, daisies, with another tearful smile, "Thank you, Cole."

All he did was nod, and then he was gone.

That night, when I sunk into sleep, the bouquet of flowers sat in a tiny jar next to my bed.

And when I reached my dream space, the area was littered with a beautiful blue carpet of the same tiny flowers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. been a while. this is a long chapter that i wrote down on paper but i was too lazy to type out until now. plus i (like anya and elaine) needed a bit of a break for my emotions to catch up to life which currently is a bit... eh. oh well. i have the next chapter written so it wont take that long to post next time. stay cool homies.


	28. None the Wiser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suprise old friend wakes us up

_Come on, Defiance. I know you are there!_

_Help, old friend, I know you are out there... help me!_

I woke with a start to the echo of a blood-curdling scream, sure that someone was being attacked outside my room. With a dazed, half-asleep, kind of urgency I grabbed whatever was on my desk as a weapon and dashed for the door.

Wrenching it open, weapon at the ready, I blinked when I was greeted by the cold mountain breeze and an extremely empty walkway. It was barely past midnight, the moons were still up.

Scoffing once I saw the weapon I grabbed was a pen I went back inside and shut the door behind me, leaning against it with a huff.

_'I need your help, old friend... help me!'_

"Urrrrgh..." Who could possibly know me? Who could possibly be shouting in my head for an old friend? Didn't make sense.

Then it came to me.

With a gasp, the pen dropped to the floor and I was throwing on Alice' coat over the shirt I was wearing. No time for pants or shoes, I literally just bolted out the door only just remembering to lock it behind me.

Dashing down the walkway past the other doors, through the door to the tower where Dorian's library was, and down the stairs, through another door and hallway to where Solas' room was.

Banging two fists against the door, "Solas! Get up! Solas it's important!" I really didn't want to test my subpar lock-picking skills on Fenharel's door but I would if I had to.

' _Get help, hurry!'_

Eventually I heard a rustling as the door finally opened, and Solas (bare chest and all) aimed an 'are you serious right now?' expression at me, "Elaine, what-"

"It's Wisdom. You know your friend Wisdom? They're in trouble. They need help."

"How do you-"

"Because they _asked me_ , Solas!" I was nearly crying out of confusion and desperation, whacking the palm of my hand against my forehead, "They're- in my head and... they won't be quiet! I can't get them out!"

His eyes widened in alarm as he pulled me through the door and shut it behind us both.

"Wisdom, you say?"

I just nodded helplessly, collapsing on one of the many pillowed nooks in his room.

He threw a blanket at me, "Sleep, I will meet you in the Fade."

"Um... what?" Ha, he said that as if I had any control over what happened in my dreams.

" _Sleep_." At the words I slumped back into the nook, surprisingly comfortable

***

"Please stop pacing."

"Gone! How could they be gone? Wisdom would never leave that place. Never."

"Pacing and going in circles isn't going to help Wisdom is it?"

"Why you? You're just an ordinary elf. Your spirit is-"

"Special and sparkly and beautiful?"

"-Regular."

" _Thanks_." At this I stood up, blocking his path around the desk. We were in the middle of the rotunda, I'd gotten myself some tea and he asked for a cup as well (that's how you know he's really upset), this was after we woke up from searching the place Wisdom normally inhabited. I don't know what it was supposed to look like, but Solas kept it empty so I wouldn't have seen anyway.

Getting in his path, I clamped both hands on his shoulders. "Solas. Calm down. Please."

He looked completely... lost, as he stared down at me. As if he had no clue what to do. " _Ir abelas._ "

"Apology accepted." I smiled up at him, and it was in this situation that Anya wandered through the doors.

"Solas! Cole said something happened?" She was really worried, so I stepped back and let him explain.

As he told Anya what had happened, I glanced up to see Dorian's smirking face looking over the barrier directly at me. When I poked my tongue out at him he made a kissy-face then disappeared back into his library.

"Then I'll help." I tuned back in to Anya's steely expression, "My parents taught me spirits were never to be toyed with like this."

" _Thank you_." Solas appeared quite relieved, "I got a feel for their location. I will mark it on our map."

"We'll leave in an hour." Anya replied, turning and leaving the rotunda.

"Hopefully we'll get there in time." I walked over to him, couldn't stop myself from brushing my fingers over his hand to offer some comfort, "Everything's gonna be just fine."

' _Hurry, my friend. Help me!'_

"Urgh." I groaned, clutching my head again.

"You can still hear them?" He went over to his desk, poured some tea and brought it over.

"Yeah. Won't shut up." The tea did help, and I downed it all in one go before shrugging. "I need to go pack for the Exalted Plains. See you in an hour?"

"Yes." He wasn't looking my way, but that's fine. He had a lot on his mind.

***

"You worry, but don't know what for. Is it him or them? Why do they know me? What else do they know?" Cole's voice preceded him as I frantically dashed about my room grabbing stuff to pack.

"If I can somehow be an old friend to a spirit, what else have I done without even knowing?" I whipped around to face him, a set of potions in hand, "I don't even know how I got _here_. It's been _years_ , and I don't even recognise myself."

He shook his head, "You do. You like who you are now. Change isn't bad when you like it. You always have."

"But ... how far do I have to go before I don't have any chance of going home?" Whispering, my shoulders slumped in defeat. "Elaine was my best friends' name. And I've started answering to it. They wouldn't know what to do with me."

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I looked up to see Cole levelling me with that calm stare. "You are still yourself. You might not be as different as you think."

"What about being old friends? Know anything about that?"

"Defiance and Wisdom have held strong as ages passed." He got that misty look in his eyes that always meant I'd be wanting for a straight answer.

"And... I'm defiance in that scenario?" I asked doubtfully, stepping back to my pack and the pile of stuff. "Doesn't make much sense."

But as I turned back to chat, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told you i had some chapters pre prepared


	29. Truth upon awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elaine gets magic powers and its a bit murdery

Every time the stupid horse jolted, my head rebounded with the screams of the tortured spirit.

I had no clue why it was like that, for the entire journey to the plains I retreated into my own mind, I'd blink and feel a surge of pain through my temples as Wisdom begged and pleaded for their old friend to save them. I'd sit by the campfire and not move for hours, the voice dogged my sleep, not letting me rest for even a moment.

So, by the time we got to there, I was so far beyond taking any shit, not even Cole could draw us out of the bleak cloud hanging over our heads.

Solas was much the same, he worried, and fretted, but the only outward sign was his urgent voice, and determined set of his eyes.

I didn't sleep soundly for the whole journey, and we got to the camp closest to the location very early in the morning. So by Anya's orders everyone went to get some rest before setting out when the sun was up.

Well, I wasn't sleeping lately, so I took watch. Solas had been silent for the while journey, and remained so when he volunteered to keep watch as well.

I sat on one of the logs, starring into the fire, wrapped in a blanket to stave off the cold. My knives were within reach, and I could feel my ears twitching at every noise. The moons were starting to fade, but it was still very dark.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Glancing over the fire for the first time in a while, up to meet Solas' eyes, "One would think you'd be searching the fade."

"It is... empty. Without my friend." He looked haggard as he spoke.

"You look like you've lost hope." From what I remembered about the games, Solas didn't give up until Wisdom drew her last breath, "They still live Solas."

He nodded, but stood up anyway. "I will attempt to get some rest, you should as well." With that, he disappeared into a tent.

Standing up, I reached my arms above my head and back down to touch my toes, leading myself through some stretches. " _Owww_ \- fuck." A pulse of pain shot up my arms from the scars gifted from that Red Templar, all the way to the excruciating migraine that Wisdom's screaming wasn't helping.

Blinking through it all, I gritted my teeth and dug through my bag, finding the small box, I lit up one of the elfroot smokes and breathe it in. Sighing when some of the pain melted away, and my brain seemed to focus.

Before you say anything, since Haven, I had been in constant pain. The only thing that the stupid Healers had to offer was a weird kind of shock therapy, and I'd seen those hacks put _leeches_ on some poor buggers infection. That was when Varric told me about Hawke's methods for healing. They were more about herbs, much closer to the Dalish methods. Less blood and gore.

He gave me the box with a grin, "It'll help," He'd said.

They weren't addictive, and I only ever had one when I couldn't go another second dealing with the pain. I'd seen Anya with a few cause the Mark pained her as well. A widely accepted method of healing.

Now was such a time.

Warm, I lent back on the log, now sitting on the ground. It was much easier to breathe now, and found it far easier to settle.

Taking a long draw on the elfroot, I breathed out again. Calmer, more serene.

"How'd I get to this point, huh?" I cast my eyes up to the stairs, and the light of the setting moons, "What'd I do?"

' _Look at you. Feeling sorry for yourself._ '

Wasn't even surprised to hear voices at that point. What else could surprise me? 

' _Everyone feels that way._ '

"Yeah, nothin' I can do about that one. I ain't Thedas' baby-sitter."

The voice was silent for a heartbeat. Seeming to think. ' _You want to know how we ended up here ma'avise._ '

Finally flicking the elfroot into the fire, I sighed, "Alright disembodied-voice. Hit me with it."

' _I'll spin a story for you. In a way you'll understand_.'

My stomach knotted and it usually did when magic was around, and a small pulse of gleaming light surged out of my chest. Silent, the only thing it disturbed was the fire.

"Is that... is that it?" I was a bit underwhelmed, about to clip myself over the back of the head for believing a disembodied voice. When the fire seemed to cough, and began to shift.

Embers swirled and gathered, mixing with little gatherings of the glowing light, taking shape, forming into... a dance?

There were five forms, all different, all gathered together, leading through the steps of the dance.

' _We five had held strong as ages passed and our world tore, we remain_.'

The scene shifted around the dancing forms. Time passed and the veil ripped apart their home. They were still there, alive and well, but on the other side.

"Who?"

' _Endurance. Freedom. Coincidence. Defiance. Wisdom. Suddenly lost to each other and to time. We held strong. We have been apart. But no more_.'

Suddenly the scene shifted again. One by one the forms disappeared. ' _Coincidence was first. Then Endurance. It seemed instant yet time passed while they were gone. Soon, Freedom, then I left Wisdom alone. I hadn't meant to. I searched for my friends, fruitless. Until you, ma'avise.'_

I felt a pang of loss, and finally blinking, I realised that my eyes were full of tears. Murmuring softly, "That... was you?"

In my head, the voice was full of sorrow, ' _That is us. We have all become more. Mala suledin nadas_.'

" _Vin ir abelas ma'falon_." I had so much to ask, to say to them. Why were they here? Why could I talk to them now? Why were we joined now? Has it been them guiding my actions from the start?

' _Calls are strong to those who listen_.' They continued, and I watched, the scene in the flames shifting again. A girl slams a door, her stamping feet stirring embers into the sky as she dragged her bag over her shoulder and started home through the storm. _'I always listened. Here and there. I always tried to help. Changing, shifting, you cried unfair but then turned from water to ice to stone. The will to change is within us now_.'

The scene shifted and the girl was still trying to fight her way through the storm to safety, then a flash of light and suddenly a huge car crashed onto the path and she was crushed.

"You _saved_ me..." I realised, standing up, the scene changed as I joined it. Watching it become solid, "Drew me away, helped me find solid ground again."

' _A heart, flesh, blood. There is no place for them in the fade_.' I watched, and a few wisps of magelight drifted towards the girls' prone form, and suddenly she could move again, her eyes glowing.

"You couldn't find the way."

_'I was lost and weak, but never wavered. I would guide, both heart and spirit, until it was safe to rest.'_

"And have you? Rested, that is."

' _See_ ' And the magelights came together again, coloured, almost solid light in the middle of the fire. The form flickered with the flames, but smiled. ' _We are more. I cannot become what I was any more than you can.'_

"I want to go home, _ma'falon_. But you won't let me give up."

' _Never_.' Their eyes gleamed with steel, ' _You must save our friend.'_

"I've never met Wisdom."

' _You have. You remember._ '

Shaking my head in anger, "I remember her dying! Twisted and chained to the mages that forced her across! I have no ideas, no magic! I am not your answer."

' _I did not chose the wrong human. We can save Wisdom, they call to us and beg for our help. This is what me must do._ '

"I know nothing of magic."

' _Ah. There are no limits to our power, ma'avise. It is whatever you will it to be._ '

My eyes shut of their own accord, and I took a deep breath. The magelight seemed to turn into dust, and with that breath I _inhaled_ something. A rush of strength, an electricity in my veins. When my eyes opened, they were steel, and when I spoke it wasn't my voice alone. It was us, spirit and heart, joined. " _We save Wisdom. We make them pay, fire and blood. No surrender."_

And from his space in the fade, the Dread Wolf watched a spirit of Defiance rise into the form of a giant flaming bird. A deafening roar surged through the fade, the call sent out for all to hear.

***

And, one by one, the pillars were torn down. I knew that was the first step to solving the problem, the next was the far more risky one, pulling her back to the other side again, urging her to gain strength.

She was crouched in the water, her form breathing heavily, she blinked as if not really seeing. Solas was there at the same time I was, his expression devastated, we knelt next to each other in front of her.

I found my mind was finally free of her voice, because she was right in front of me. It was an awful sort of serenity.

Solas was wrecked, struggling to speak to her.

I found I knew the words, or we did, because I could speak them. " _We sent the call, lethallan. You have endured enough." I reached out a hand, moving to stand_.

From what she knew of smiles, that was the best she could muster, " _There is no way to save me, there are limits to even your strength."_

I shook my head, " _It's not my strength that was called upon._ " With that, I reached for her. Drawing her _through_ to step directly _into_ the fade.

I had no clue what I was doing, but the spirit side was ready for us when we arrived. There was help waiting, the call was heard and answered. They took her from my arms, and swore that she would return with time.

I stepped back across, and knelt in front of Solas. Still speaking elven, " _She is at peace. She is with those that would help."_

He searched my face for a long time, as if wondering whether I was telling him the truth. Wondering what else I was hiding. "Wisdom is gone. I can feel it."

"She's strong enough to return." Asking for permission with my eyes, I grasped his hands to pull him to a standing position, and we both slowly turned on the group of mages that emerged out of their hiding place.

They looked scared, and relieved. Defiance was at the forefront of my mind again, and so it was; Dread Wolf, spirit, and elf who turned in unison to them.

Solas' eyes, I could swear they glowed. Almost like they did in Trespasser. And the sight if it spurred me on as well, and together we made short work of those fucking mages.

Anya didn't stop us. When I turned to face her, her expression was set. As was mine when I glanced back at Solas.

It was over, and a wordless melancholy passed between us. Standing up, I breathed heavily. And we stared at each other for a moment. I could again feel the spirit in my heart, silent and resolute.

Together we turned and walked away in opposite directions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Elven translations:  
> \- Mala suledin nadas = and now we must endure  
> \- Vin ir abelas ma'falon = Yes. I am sorry, my friend
> 
>  
> 
> [shadys back. back again] wait didnt i already make that joke? 
> 
> anyway, shit happens. I'm into podcasts now? who has time to write and listen to taz at the same time? fuck it if i know.
> 
> this is still going though! we're nearly at the bit with the wardens and the fade. then halimshiral! so yeah bear with me it'll be fine


	30. Elaine Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was aiming for a atla/lok style kind of 'zuko alone' kinda thing love those. and while this got away from me, you might be seein Nora again :D

I think I walked until my feet bled. I couldn't tell you why. I just kept going, even though I was hurting again. And exhausted. I'd fade-stepped, I'd carried their spirit though to the other side. My energy was gone, yet I kept going.

Something pushed me to keep going, and I made it past the fighting, through the Dales, all the way to the Kingsroad??? From there, all I had to do was pick a direction. It would be easy to do what I did before. I'd be welcomed back at Val Royeaux, I'd left on the basis that I could return at any time. Besides, I'd missed it, I was a dancer at my core and the rest of what I'd become -Rogue, bard, elf, spirit?- stemmed from that. 

I stopped at the Inquisition camp for my horse (I hated riding but I'm not the jerk who leaves an innocent animal for someone else to take care of) but hurried off and away from the Graves.

The air seemed to get steadily clearer the further away I got. Like I could breathe easily, the weight that's settled over my shoulders lifted finally, and I was freer. I could even _move_ better.

The Kingsroad wasn't busy at all, not when I started. The further away from the front of the Civil War I got, the more people there were on the road. They were pretty rough groups at times, all leather armour and hand-axes, bloody shields and daggers. The bigger the groups the more wary I grew, it... I don't want to say it _helped_ , cause it was exhausting and unsafe, but being cautious about my surroundings helped me to... get my mind out of the gutter. To organise my thoughts.

Probably helped that I was covered head to toe in grime and gore from fighting. Even a lady elf looks scary apparently when she's got blood on her armour.

It was on a clear stretch of road when I really got introspective. Defiance was quiet again, yet I could still... feel them there, you'r think a spirit would be housed in you head, yeah? No. Mine paid rent in the heart, and I could feel them there, a warmth. Reminding me that I'd never be alone again.

My thoughts drifted through everything that had happened in slow motion. I saw a flash of light in Solas' eyes, the face of Defiance smiling down at me, Anya's expression as we cut through the mages.

It was a quite a bit to process.

Eventually, as the moons started to come out and the light disappeared, my mind quietened, and the only thought that remained-

"Urrgh... hungry." I groaned to the horse, who rudely didn't reply, my stomach grumbled again and I began to frantically look around for anything even remotely resembling a town. 

"Fuck me." I was on a wide open plain, kinda a flat section between hills, and I only had a small idea of where I was going. I patted the horse, and urged it up the hill, "What I'd give for google maps, bud." Silently praying that over the hill was some sort of town; otherwise I'd be camping with no food on a wide open field which was never preferable. That'd be like waving a neon sign saying 'attack and rob me!' at any bandits or chevalier's wandering through.

The hill was tough on the horse (Jem was her name) So I dismounted and led it, giving my legs a stretch after riding all day.

It was well and truely night when we got over the hill (even though I could see just fine, elf eyes are so cool my dudes). And when we got there, I was pleasantly shocked to find that right at the bottom of the hill, was Lydes.

My throat closed up as I looked at the lights and the boats bobbing on the harbour. It all looked much larger from this far away, and as I began to lead the horse down the road towards my old hime, I huddled closer into Alice's coat. I'd had it since she was killed almost two years ago. I knew her home was still there, and it backed onto a yard big enough for a horse.

It was... kinda poetic... to be walking these streets again. Familiar, like no time had passed at all.

I stopped in the street to buy a few apples, the human vender giving me the side-eye as I bit into one and offered another to Jem.

It was the hardest leg of the journey, to find my way in the dark, busy streets of Lydes back to Alice's house. My old house. But we got there and I led Jem back around to the yard, going through the motions of taking the saddle off and filling up the water-trough, glancing around for some more food.

"Uhh... do you eat trail mix? Cause that's all I got." Wincing at the horse, who glared and promptly began munching on the overgrown grass in response. "Be that way then. Yell or... neigh... if you need me. I'll be next door."

I went back through the cottage, lighting the fire place and dusting off all the surfaces, taking deep breaths and trying to fondly remember my friend (who had taken care of me at my lowest, who taught me enough to survive in Thedas) instead of being sad.

Collapsing down on a chair in the kitchen after trying and failing to rustle together some food. My stomach growled again, " _Soaring Gull_ is next door..." I guess talking to myself couldn't be construed as weird, considering Defiance was always listening, "It'd be good to see Nora again..."

Using cold water and an old rag, I washed myself of the day as best I could. Shucking off the leathers and changing into normal clothes. Funny, I never _used_ to consider leather pants and those weird white shirts normal? It was all fun dress up back home, not regular clothes.

Tying my scarf around my waist, (I'd stolen it from my mum before I came here, it was too nice to leave around), I smiled fondly to myself and found some old elven footwraps around my feet and ankles. Tucking a knife into my breastband, I locked up the cottage behind me before heading down the road too the closest tavern for some food. 

I had always been rowdiest place in this area of town. _The Soaring Gull_ was a tavern that drew all sorts, mostly humans and surface dwarves there to drink the day away.

I'd met Nora on her way home, she was a server there, an elven born human with brown skin and hazel eyes. She always said she hated her job, but refused to quit for anything. She was always lovely to me, and we became fast friends then more. We kissed a few times before I left, it would be nice to just see her again even if she didn't want to talk.

 A book in one hand, I pushed open the door to the gull, and was greeted with the familiar sight. A crowd of people all drinking and laughing and yelling; it was a busy night, place crammed to almost capacity, but I grinned when I saw Nora skirting around tables hefting plates and mugs like it was second nature.

I took one of the only available place at the bar, ignoring the way some eyes followed me from the door. Shit, I'd forgotten to to cover my hair, that's what the damn scarf is for idiot! Trying not to kick myself, I took my seat at the bar and smiled at the woman standing there, "It's Ingrid right? I think I've seen you a few times."

Ingrid's eyes were confused but friendly as she nodded, "Yes. I think I remember you." Her ryes flickered over my hair and ears, "You broke her heart, you know."

Swallowing, I looked down nervously at my hands clasped together on the bar, "Yeah... I was hoping to catch up with her.”

I know! I know what you’re thinking. ‘Elaine, you’re a terrible person you should be ashamed for stomping on someones heart like that.’ Look, at the time I met Nora, I’d (one), not ever had a serious relationship in my life, (Two) only just realised I would never see my friends and family again, and (three) figured out I was an alien in a world I thought wasn’t real. I’m not saying what I did wasn’t a dick move, but I was going through some stuff.

Ingrid’s eyes warmed, and she disappeared for a moment before returning with a huge mug, and a plate laden with meat and vegies. My stomach grumbled in answer as she placed it down in front of me, “ _Ma serannas_ , Ingrid.”

She just nodded, “You better not leave without talkin to her, elf.”

“I won’t, I swear.”

“Good. Now eat, you look scrawny.” With that she turned and headed to the opposite end of the bar.

I ate quickly, having missed the hearty foods of Lydes (Mostly fish, as they’re so close to the docks) it was still just as delicious.

Washing it down with the heavily alcoholic drink, I was about to turn and look for Nora when-

“Ellie!” Startlingly strong arms wrapped around my waist from behind, squeezing in a tight hug.

Laughing, I was almost relieved that she wasn’t still upset. “Nora, you’re-”

She squeezed tighter, “Gahh! It’s so great to see you, Ellie!”

“ _Can’t_ \- _breathe_!”

“Apologies!” She backed off and I could finally turn around to meet her beaming smile.

“Can I hug you properly now or- ah!”

After she felt that we’d hugged enough, she passed her apron over the bar to Ingrid, telling her that it was break time. She sat down on the stool next to me, gripping onto my hands and practically bouncing with energy and excitedment. “SO. Ellie. Tell me of your adventures! What happened after you left?”

“Well I went to Val Royeaux, as I said I would. Performing there was _amazing_.” I told her all of what had happened; from saving Vivienne, all the way to helping out the Templars and more. She listened avidly, often interrupting to ask questions or exclaim about something or other. It felt really good to unload like this, it felt … freeing. After, she sat back and I took a sip of the huge mug, “Wow. Maker… you sure know how to live, Ellie. All that… it sounds amazing…” She breathed, “But… are you alright? It sounds as if you’ve been through a lot.”

“It’s fine. Everything’s just fine.”

She smiled again, “You forget. I know you.”

Ducking my head, “Sorry. I’m just so used to answering like that.”

 She seemed to reach up as if to touch my face, but then let her hand drop, “You never have to pretend with me. You know that.”

“I do, _lethallan_.”

Her eyes brightened, “Again with the elven! Who taught you? And don’t think I didn’t notice you wearing Alice’s old foot-wraps.”

“I… my friend Solas taught me. Well, is teaching me.”

“This is the bald one right? Kinda snotty?”

“The very same.”

“Well if you’re putting it in conversations, he must be a good teacher.”

“He’s... fine,” Taking another sip, “Do you have time to tell me about what’s new with you? Or is your break nearly over?”

Nora chuckled under her breath, eyes sparking with mischief, “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

She giggled again, grabbing my hand and leading me over to a booth in the corner, “I’m sure my life pales in comparison to yours-“

“Don’t say that!”

“Hey, I’m just being truthful. Not everyone can go around slaying sloth demons and hanging out with Qunari in their spare time.”

“Not with that attitude.” 

“Ha! Sure.” Finally settled in the booth, she signalled to another bartender who nodded and started moving to gather some glasses and a bottle. “As I was saying, things have quietened down lately. People thought the world was ending when the hole-in-the-sky thing happened.”

“It very nearly did.”

“Yeah. There were demons _everywhere_ , we were all hunkered down in the cellar, trying not to draw attention… there was a lot of damage. And a dormant rift just outside town didn’t help.”

This raised my interest, “Is it still there? I could-”

“No. Your Inquisitor closed it on the way through.” The bartender deposited a bottle of something I didn’t recognise and two glasses on the table. “Other than a world-wide calamity, nothing’s changed. Business is good, but that’s because people drink to forget.” As she spoke she poured the dark amber liquid into the glasses and offered it up to toast, “To old friends.”

“To drinking to forget.”

With a laugh we both clowned the glasses, and she immediately poured another.

“Nora, I…”

“You don’t have to say anything Ellie… I understood then, and I understand now. This place,” She gestured around casually, “It’s too small for you. It always was. I’m _not_ trying to guilt you or anything.” For the first time tonight I could see Nora was being serious.

Reaching forward, I grasped her free hand lightly, “Just because you understand doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt you. I’m sorry, I-”

Her lips pursed, and she drew her hand away, “You don’t get to come here, and think you can make it better or … or just smile and do _that_.” She pointed at my hand, and then gestured at me in general, “I said I understood and I do. Please let it go.”

“ _I’m sorry_.” Persistent and stubborn, that was what I’d become. Can’t drop anything once I got my mind on it. Jeez. “ _You_ might’ve understood but at the time _I didn’t_. I didn’t know what I was doing to you by leaving, I hadn’t… I couldn’t… urgh!” The drink burned on its way down, but I needed the liquid courage. “Nora, I was a goddamn coward, I hurt you when I left and I’m _so sorry_.”

Her set expression seemed to crack, and I noticed her eyes warming up, softening as it did. “I … really did love you.”

“I know that now. I’m not here to pretend that you’re okay, I’m here because… I missed you. And it’s been too long.”

Carefully, the hand she drew away she placed on mine, “It _was_ too long. Wasn’t it?”

The side of my mouth tilted up, and my heavy heart seemed to inflate with relief, “You know… if you wanted to come to Skyhold… on a holiday… I’m sure I could pull some strings.”

And she seemed freer too, as she threw her head back and laughed, “Perhaps one day. When you won’t need to protect me as we travel.”

We talked for a while more, and it was like old times again. I felt… this is gonna sound weird, but I felt younger. As if all that had happened with the Templar’s and with Defiance, with even my body battered and bruised and littered with scars as it was, had aged me by decades. And if this was how _I_ felt, how did Anya feel? Or Solas?

We were barreling head long towards drunk when the bar closed. And even though it seemed only minutes passed as we caught up, suddenly it was like I could hear chirping. She was trying to count the scars on my arms and make up stories about how I got them while I laughed. As the sun shone through the curtains, and in the state I was in realised I hadn’t slept for two days.

“Noooooora… I think… I think I shoulduhhhhhhhh go to sleep.”

“Me too,” Jumping up to stand, she pulled me up as well, “Old Alice’s house is nearer-er… yeah?”

“Yeee.”

“We can make it!”

The journey, while normally about ten minutes, took about half an hour. About eight times I found myself asking out loud when the uber was coming, to which Nora would reply ‘about teatime’ without fail. But we got there, and from there my brain stops working. I think we slept for the entire day and most of the night? My head pounded, but I couldn’t recall ever being this happy while in Thedas.

“Do you have to go?” Leaning in the doorway to Alice’s, I frowned as Nora shuffled her feet in front of me. “You could stay, have dinner-breakfast… dinfast?”

She smiled knowingly, “I have to return to work, Ellie. And you do too. As much as I want to stay, and want _you_ to stay, we’re both needed elsewhere.”

Sighing, I nodded in acceptance, “I’m gonna miss you, Nora.”

“’I am going to miss you as well, Ellie.”

We stood in silence for a while, smiling at each other. She chewed on her lip, looking very much like she wanted to say something. “You know… just because Lydes is too small now… doesn’t mean it won’t be get big later.”

“What do you mean?”

Suddenly launching forward, her arms wrapped around me in a tight hug, and I instantly returned it, feeling _whole_. She spoke, but didn’t pull away, “I will keep Alice’s house in order. You will always have a home to return to.”

 _My home is far out of reach, and now is wherever my heart is_ , “You don’t have to-”

She pulled away, but kept her hands on my shoulders, “ _I want to_. It’s closer to the _Gull_. Let me do this for you. And _please_ keep in touch this time.”

“I will, _lethallan_. _Thank you_.”

“Don’t look so sad Ellie. I have this feeling this is not the last time I’ll see you.” She took a step back, “Until we meet again, Ellie.”

Swallowing, I nodded and grinned at her, “I’ll see you later, _falon_.”

Laughing, she turned and walked away. And, much later, I shouldered my pack and led the horse out from Alice’s house and away from Lydes. Heading back in the direction of Skyhold.


	31. I've Been Dreaming...

My dreams started off peaceful, and that didn't change even as the scene shifted.

First I was aware of my toes, bare, painted and polished in gold and green. The feet clothed in black elven foot-wraps, skin feeling softer and cleaner than it had in a very long time. Then clothes, as light and as delicate as air, as chiffon and silk, draped around my shoulders and seeming to tie together seamlessly. A white gown. Colours of mourning.

My eyes peeled open, and I wasstanding in the grandest corridor I'd ever seen. Watching as it spun before my very eyes. High stone walls on either side, beautiful mosaic landscapes of oceans and green fields and cities.

I felt utterly serene as I began to walk forward. Every so often I passed huge arch windows that streamed warm light into the corridor, I could never see what was outside, but it didn't matterbecause I could just keep walking forever.

Slowly, so gradually that I didn't even notice, the corridor of the temple started to age, the mosaics decaying and chipping off the walls. Elfroot and moss growing through the windows and cracks in the floor. But again, as the holes in the stone got larger and I was almost walking on a moss floor, I still only felt that relaxed, serene calmness.

Eventually the corridor ended ata set of destroyed oak doors, the carvings on them so intricate that usually would stop to admire the work, but I stepped over them. Into the biggest library I'd ever seen.

Even though the walls around the shelves were old and overgrown, the books were all still in place, not a page missing. I smiled to myself as I ventured deeper into the library. Coming across a desk with a few open volumes on it.

Tracing my fingers over a copy of ' _Hard in Hightown: Chapter ???_ ' I laughed to myself at the idea of showing it to Varric.

"Wonder what this place is." I whispered, finding that it echoed through the whole room, "It's beautiful."

"This is where Wisdom used to reside in the Fade. What it really looks like." But of course, who else would happen across me in the middle of a dream.

He stepped into view around a shelf of books, in the exact clothes I saw him in last. He had a hand on the shelf and hadn't glanced my way yet, "They used to like it around places they could absorb information. There are other spirits who reside here but, this place was Wisdom's."

I'd never seen him so shaken before, these events had really gotten to him. He looked... hopeless, a kind of grief I couldn't really comprehend.

"You should not be able to Dream here." He said, somehow managing to sound both dejected and unsurprised at the same time, "You are not a Dreamer."

"I could be." I stepped closer to him, and at the echo of my feet in the wraps he glanced up.

His expression shifted at my clothes, almost like he was going to break.

"Solas-"

"I believed that if I came here I might be able to detect some semblance of Wisdom, see if over time they may return." He swallowed, "But this place is empty."

"If the idea surrounding the spirit is strong enough, Wisdom will return one day." I offered him a kind smile, stepping forward again, "When _I_ am gone and buried."

His eyes shot up to mine again with a kind of disbelief, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth.

Yet he hesitated in replying, before his face fell and he started walking closer, speaking wistfully, "Wisdom would have liked you Elaine."

"Apparently, we were old friends." Pointing that out, we walked back over to the desk, suddenly finding it empty save for a small candle burning in the middle.

"I still cannot quite understand that."

"Then we're in the same boat cause, I've never even spoken to a spirit."

"Maybe you have."

"We're not here to talk about me." I shook my head, looking around the place, "If you want, we can talk about your friend."

"How will that help? They are gone."

"Okay, first lesson for you Solas. We start with this-" I held my arms out, "A simple hug. Because you look like you need it." I raised my eyebrows in question, and at his short nod I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his middle.

He seemed to relax into it, the kind of hugger that leaned into you with everything they had. We sort of... fit. The same height, equals, each comforting the other indifferent ways.

I didn't let him completely go when I pulled away, "The next lesson-" Leading him over to a comfortable-looking arm chair behind the desk, "You talk. Tell me about Wisdom."

He hesitated, "What about them?"

"Anything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeeet   
> building up to entering the fade


	32. Back in Skyhold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elaine gets back home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments make my day, so this chapter is for user @jennserr whose comments made me smile and update so that I could make their day too. 
> 
> chapters are always few and far between, but i'll try hard to write more on my day off today :D

Skyhold… didn’t seem as intimidating now. 

I’d seen so much, assassin’s plots, demons, mages, Templars, Kings and Queens, wardens and Old Gods. That now, all of a sudden, it hit me that I’d lived through it all. Everything Thedas had thrown my way I’d managed to survive.

I managed to get off the horse with minimal fuss, but there was a line of carts and wagons and refugees trailing outside the gates, and it was very early in the morning, they’d just barely opened the gates to start letting them through. I munched on some jerky and waited for my turn patiently, I wasn’t in a huge hurry, plus the morning air felt kind of nice after the past few weeks.

The soldier at the gate was yawning when I got there, and tiredly asked, “Name and business?”

 “Jenny? Who stuck you on gate duty?” I giggled, leaning forward to look at her properly.

“Oh, hey Elaine- It’s a punishment.”

“For what?”

“… let’s not go into it.” She winced, then rubbed her eyes, as another yawn took her, “You want back in yeah? I thought you were with the Herald.”

“We were separated after… let’s go into it,” I grinned again, “I’d rather tell the story over drinks than over the clipboard.”

I saw her smile through the helmet, “Fair enough. Go on through, the Inquisitor and Cole returned yesterday, I’m sure she’d want to know you’re back.”

I was already walking towards the kitchens, and waved a hand in acknowledgment, “After brekkie.”

My elf friends were in the dining hall near the kitchens eating when I got there, and called me over with a wave after I got my food.

“Hey guys, I haven’t seen you in ages.” I beamed at them when I sat down with my porridge.

Clara leaned over to offer me a one-armed hug, “That’s ‘cause you like to disappear and go on adventures, while we have to stay here and work.”

“I’m not that bad am I?”

“Nah,” She let me go with a smile, “The new spaces are good, They have me with a crew of people attempting to replicate the running water systems. We still can’t think of a name…"

“Pipes? Sewerage? Plumbing?”

 “I like that last one-” From there she launched into every detail she possibly could about the running water in the castle, how the combination of magic, gravity, nature, and machinery made it all possible. After Clara finished, Tate jumped in with some rumours about how they kicked Threnn out of her job, and Jethon sat down to scold him for gossiping while Frank laughed under his breath at the lot of us.

 When Leda bustled in, swearing up and down that the head seamstress just created a new colour, the whole table including me burst into laughter. I was wiping tears away when-

 “OI! KEEP IT DOWN YER BUNCH O ROWDY KNIFE-EARS!” The shout came from behind and above me, and I watched as my friends shrunk into themselves once more. Suddenly the table seemed to remember that they weren’t supposed to be themselves, not when humans were around to dampen their spirits. Jethon flinched as if he was expecting to be struck, and Leda ducked her head quietly and submissively preparing for a smack.

I took a deep breath, wondering where all my anger went, why all I felt was sad.

Standing up, shocked that even though this jackass had shouted at us, no one had really stopped or quietened down, or even looked our way.

It was a guy in overalls, probably come up from the farms behind Skyhold. He looked down at me with a scowl as I turned around, “You should learn your place-” I took the first slap, even though he was wearing a ring and it stung like a right bitch, all I did was glare as he raised his arm to strike again. 

I blocked it, still calm and sad, grabbing his hand and using it to twist his arm behind his back. His curse and shout of pain got attention now, and I pulled his arm up more to stop him struggling. I hadn’t changed expressions this whole time, leaning forward to speak into his ear.

“I think once was enough don’t you?” Calm, why was I so calm? What happened to Defiance? I usually linked my house spirit with feelings of anger, not… composed serenity. I turned him around to face the table, and with another wrench planted his face down on the table between Clara and Leda, “Feel free to apologise.”

He let out a string of curses, and slurs that I won’t repeat. “I’m waiting, rather patiently I might add.”

“Elaine, you’re back!” Glancing up, I offered Lillie a huge grin but didn’t move. She was standing with Iron Bull and Krem near the door to the kitchens. Bull raised an eyebrow at me, but didn’t say anything.

“Yep, was just trying to eat breakfast with my friends when this cocknugget-” Twisting more, “Insulted us, told me I should learn my place, can you believe that Jacks?” Bull turned to Krem, muttered something, and Krem ran off out the other door.

Lillie came closer, looking at the farmer with disgust, I looked at my friends, my elves, “What do you want me to do with him?”

Clara had an extremely defiant look on her face, had been the only one not to flinch back when he’d first yelled. She didn’t look at me, only at the human, as she spat, “Say sorry.”

“You heard the lady.”

He barked out a half-assed apology, and I released his arm in reply, he stumbled back and onto the floor, rubbing his shoulder. I turned to my elves, smiling sadly, “Let’s go guys. Back to work?” They all stood and offered me smiles, Leda put a hand on my shoulder before they all trailed out.

I stepped over the farmer, and put an arm around Lillie’s shoulder, “How’s it goin? What’s been happening since we took off for the Graves?” We both started walking back towards Bull, and we led the way to up the stairs to the main hall.

“The Chargers were going to lead a group back to Haven, trying to figure out how many were lost, recover some things.” Lilly looked up at Bull, “Bull wants me to join ‘em, imagine!”

I grinned at that, “Policewoman turned mercenary? Sounds like a cool story to me.”

“It’s not that far-fetched, you’d be great with the Chargers.” Bull chimed in, waving at Krem as he led Vivienne into the main hall. We met half way, and I waved at Vivienne, smiling, “Vivienne! Oh it’s good to see you.”

She looked me up and down, her eyes narrowing but withholding a grin, “You appear… much different than before. Come, let’s have tea, tell me what happened.”

Turning to Lillie, “Meet me after dinner in my rooms we’ll talk more then.” She nodded, and said bye to them and went off with Vivienne.

I didn’t like hiding stuff from Vivienne, yet still tossed up whether to tell her about Defiance on our way up the stairs. The way our friendship worked was on honesty ever since I’d shared my journal with her.

“Okay… I’m gonna be honest with you, Vivienne. The journey was very… enlightening.” She poured some tea immediately, and nodded for me to continue. I explained everything about Defiance, and how I’d died in my world and the spirit came through, doing the only thing it knew how. It pulled my body through, and merged with me, guided me towards a rift so I could breathe again. “I’m here because of a spirit, Vivienne. I’m real, but… I’m not just an ordinary elf.”

She leant back, thinking very hard, “I will have to think on this… you might be at greater risk of possession, if you are this open to the Fade.” She met my eyes, “It might be worth consulting our resident expert on the Fade, but I will requisition some books to research on it more thoroughly…” She put her tea down, “Thank you for telling me this, Elaine.” 

I smiled softly, downing the rest of the tea, “You’re welcome… I should probably go find Anya, tell her I’m back.”

“Very true, my dear. We will discuss this more later.”

I stood, moving over to the balcony, “You know… there’s something that’s been niggling at me since we got to Skyhold… I just kinda want to test it out.”

“Pardon- ELAINE!” She jumped up as I leaped over the barrier, laughing at the weightless feeling of falling for a moment before I landed on the ground… without a scratch. It didn’t even hurt my feet! I laughed again, looking back up to where Vivienne had leaned over, “Never scare me like that again!” 

“Bye, Vivienne!” Varric didn’t even look up from his notes, simply raised his hand so I could high-five him on my way past into the atrium.

Solas… wasn’t back yet. The atrium was empty, and it seemed much louder in here without him. As though he calmed chaos just by being in a room. Wow, never thought about Solas like that.

“Elaine!” Dorian was leaning on the barrier one floor above, “He’s not back, you know.”

I rolled my eyes, climbing up the stairs and walking over to Dorian, “I didn’t think he was.”

“But you hoped, didn’t you?” His eyes were full of mirth.

“Whatever- what’s been happing since we took off?”

“Well-” He leant forward against the barrier again, launching into a story about a game of Wicked Grace I’d missed where Blackwall finally actually won a match against Varric who stopped talking to him for a full day after he’d lost his favourite coat in a bet. I laughed in all the right places, leaning against the barrier as well. He stood and stretched after a bit as well, facing away from the atrium.

So Dorian didn’t notice, but I did, as the door downstairs opened and Solas stepped in. Taking a deep breath, he placed his pack at the base of the of his desk. He looked exhausted, but there wasn’t the weight to his shoulders that I’d seen last. Maybe he’d gone through the worst of it, like I had?

As if he knew I was there, he glanced up and looked me right in the eyes. Neither of us had to say anything to know what was going on, there was that electricity again. Where I could see and feel what he was thinking, and we understood each other more and more.

We didn’t say anything… because we didn’t have to.


	33. Midnight Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter is a fucking roller coaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gimme some love and comment please! Happy valentines for all

“You know... you’re a surprisingly good teacher.” I leant forward, putting my elbows on the table between us and offering Solas a grin.

He’d been very professional as of late, teaching elvhen language with proficiency and efficiency. Even though he was quite easy to side-track. Like now, when his eyes flicked from my own down to where there were certain assets displayed in this position. Then back up again with a slyness that disappeared behind a mask in an instant.

“Indeed?” He said, knowing how much I hated when he said that, “What did you expect? You are the one who asked me.”

“Hmm... I think I expected more books or more strict learning. I’ve had teachers who would punish at the slightest mistake.” I leant back at this, and watched his eyes flick back to mine.

“How so?”

“Well...” I almost started to tell the story, when I glanced around us in thought. We were having these lessons in the Fade, why couldn’t I test my new found spirit powers, and influence something I knew I could control? “Watch.”

I grabbed his hand, pulling him to stand up and move around the desk so he was next to me. I thought on the teacher I was thinking of, and in front of me materialised a room. Open and sunny, walls white and floor wooden, wisps made into a line of teenage girls standing at a ballet barre, a taller woman in business clothes strolling up and down the barre watching the girls go through their exercises.

“That’s me.” I pointed to a girl who was slightly taller than the others, positioned near the end of the barre. You could tell just by looking at the scene that she stood out a bit more, slightly taller, slightly more muscled, her uniform faded and worn.

“At what age?”

“Sixteen.” I gripped his hand tighter when the teacher, Miss Fournier, stopped and watched the younger version of me for a moment, before stopping the pianist and reprimanding me for my turnout. Something I’d heard a million times before, she’d take me out of the class, make me stand with my feet turned out against the wall until I either gave up or she was satisfied.

Solas’ brow furrowed as he watched Miss Fournier nod approvingly at the girl whose legs were shaking with the effort to keep standing there. “What a horrible woman,” He murmured, and the scene started to dissipate as the teacher smiled and let me rejoin the class for the centre exercises.

“I actually remember her quite fondly.” I turned to him with a smile, “She saw potential and knew what to do to bring it out. She helped me audition for her old Company.”

It was silent for a bit as we both thought about it all, the lesson forgotten behind us.

“Cole... said something to me, and I wanted to ask you if it was true.” He moved to look at my face.

I was hesitant to answer questions about myself, or what I knew, when I wasn’t prepared to give answer. “Okay, but I reserve the right to not answer. And I want to ask you something too.”

“An exchange?” This got him interested, “The same for me too then, I reserve the right to not reply.”

“Deal.” I moved and jumped up on the table, swinging my legs and preparing to wake myself up should anything happen, “You first, Solas.”

He moved to a safe distance but still standing close, if he reached out he could brush my knee with his hand, “It is... often difficult to interpret what Cole says.”

“He’s a complicated kid.”

“But...” He shifted, like he wanted to step closer but refused to give into the impulse. There was something in his eyes that tried to dig into mine, trying to unlock every secret behind every door, as he looked back at me. It made my heart beat through my chest, electricity thrumming through my veins making me feel more alive and awake.

“Names and titles and layers upon layers of them, is what Cole spoke of.“ His head tilted to the side, “So... that begs the question. Elaine is not your true name is it?”

Ah, caught out. I knew it was coming as soon as he said the word name. I was kind of on the edge here, to jump and tell him my name that for all I knew had a lot of power, or to back down and lie. It all boiled down to one thing though.

Did I trust the Dread Wolf?

“No. But it was what I call myself.” I titled my head, challenging him to ask the next obvious question.

He took the bait, even knowing what it was, and stepped slightly forward, “What is-“

“Nah nope, sorry Solas. I answered your question. It’s my turn.” Now that he’d moved closer, I could reach out with a hand and pull him closer towards my spot on the desk. The look was back, and with it came that feeling, even though there were so many (smarter) parts of me saying that this was a bad choice.

He was so close, I could wrap my legs around him without moving. And we were both as flustered as the other as I looked up with a smirk, trailing a hand up and down the inside of his arm. “Exactly... how much... do you want to kiss me right now?”

He recovered quickly, I’ll give him that. But his eyes trailed up and down again, assessing and leaving a kind of fire where they left. He leaned forward, slowly, torturously. His mouth turned up in the slightest smirk, “I should utilise my right to withdraw. I could not give you the...” His smirk widened, “Pleasure, of a response.”

“Ah,” I hadn’t moved since I pulled him closer, but now I leaned forward, the hand trailing up his arm to his cheek, “But this gives me a different, more satisfying answer doesn’t it?”

He didn’t say anything, but I knew he didn’t like loosing. I would cop it for this later, but no I leaned forward, yet again so close to kissing him.

He’d had enough teasing now, reaching forward and pulling me to him, we’d gotten _so close_ when-

“ _ELAINE!_ ELAINE WAKE UP, WOULD YOU?” Dorian’s voice followed by a knocking on the door to my rooms. I was hot all over, my stomach twisting from being jolted out of the Fade, and me personally? I was upset from being interrupted in the middle of something.

“D... Dorian? Isn’t it like five in the fucking morning?” Grumbling, I stumbled out of bed and tried to my robe on at the same time, opening the door with a yawn, “Yeah- see those moons right there, my Tevinter friend? That means it’s _night_. When elves, and even humans, usually prefer to have an extended nap time called _sleep_.”

Dorian rolled his eyes, backing up to sit down on the barrier blocking the path from the fifty foot drop, crossing his ankles, “Get dressed Spitfire. Our Inquisitor called an immediate meeting. Put some decent clothes on and lets get going. There will be some refreshments there.”

I grumbled but nodded, “There’d better be fucking coffee there for waking me up so early in the mcfuckin’ morning-“ Bustling about my rooms, I pulled on leathers, a wrap shirt, boots, and Alice’s coat. Locking the door behind me Dorian stood up, somehow managing to look perfect despite the ungodliness of the hour.

“Why are meeting now? It’s barely morning.” I asked more coherently now, actually starting to wake up a bit.

Dorian shrugged, leading the way down the stairs back to the main hall, “I think it’s because they specifically didn’t want you to get any sleep.”

“Come off it Dorian- you woke my up from a dream that was about to be very pleasant.”

“Oh? Do share.”

“I think it’d be best left to the imagination.”

“But now you’ve piqued my interest.”

“Your fault for waking me up.” I grinned tiredly at his playful glare, then turned to walk down the stairs to the meeting hall. It was basically the hall that’s featured in the game but it’s empty there, with the old library just randomly off to the side? Yeah, that one. Anya put a huge table in there and some comfy seats. So whenever she wanted to have a meeting with the Inner Circle, or if the other members of the Inner Circle didn’t want to eat in the main hall under the ever gossiping eye of the surrounding nobles, we could just came down here to chill out.

Sera was asleep with her head on the table and arms sprawled out, Blackwall nodding off in the seat next to her. Varric seated across from them scribbling in a journal with Cole asking him questions about what he was writing, Bull digging into a plate of food next to them, Vivienne pouring some tea at one end of the table, she waved Dorian and I over when she saw us. I sat down in between her and Sera, poking the dead asleep elf to see if she’d wake. I was sipping the tea and eating some of the delicious baked goods served, half disappointed that there was no coffee, half wondering if Solas had caught up yet. Yawning as Leliana and Cullen trailed in, then Josephine and Anya discussing a mission from the war table, then lastly Cassandra came in and informed us that Solas would be in shortly, as she sat down he trailed in and sat down across from me, and I pushed down the urge to laugh at him determinedly not looking my way.

“Hey...” I nudged Vivienne, “Where’s Casimr?”

“He has been working in the field for Leliana, my dear. He said he preferred the less direct approach when working for the Inquisition.” She sipped the tea, “Why?”

“He just...” I don’t know why I was so sad, “Didn’t say goodbye.”

“Thank you all for coming so early in the morning,” Anya grinned, standing at the head of the table, “Can someone wake Sera up?”

She made a loud noise as Blackwall shook her shoulder, “I’m bloody awake,” She slowly sat up, slumped in her chair and blinking tiredly, “Go on, Tadwinks.”

Anya grinned broadly at the nickname, somehow managing to look refreshed and rested even though she probably had gotten the least sleep of all of us. She shifted on her feet, looking around at the assembled group, “It’s late, so I will get right to it,” She held up an open piece of paper, covered in ink, “This is a report out of the Western Approach, from Hawke. She has been tracking the Grey Wardens there, and believes that something is going on that we should be investigating.”

There were different, minute reactions around the table. Most of us just kept watching Anya as she spoke, but I had my eyes on Blackwall, knowing how he pretended didn’t make me any less curious as to how. There was also... a feeling inside. Anya continued to brief us, but as she spoke I felt... separate again. Like I was dreaming. I couldn’t be here, what happened to going _home?_ I wasn’t qualified to be sitting here, listening to these people. There people in this very room about to physically fight their way out of the _Fade_ , how in the hell was I supposed to measure up to that?!

I felt ... lost again. Alone, yet again.

_‘You are never alone_ , _ma’avise_.’ Defiance, in my head, spoke at last. When the feeling weighed my heart down again. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Solas’ eyes snap my way, but I just kept looking at Anya, listening while drowning.

_I_ _want to be home. I shouldn’t be here, Defiance. I shouldn’t be here. I’m loosing it, I’m loosing me. I’ve come too far now. I should be home but they’re all gone, they’ve all moved on and turned to dust while I turned to blood and fire-_

‘ _So you say. But there are people here who trust you as blood trusts blood.‘_ I thought of Vivienne, Cole, Lillie. There weren’t a lot of people here that knew me, but believed in me anyway. It wasn’t the same, but it was good in its own way.

Solas gave up on pretending, and was opening looking my way. I felt weightless now, a leaf drifting down a stream that saw no end. It was then I realised that Anya had gone silent.

She was looking at me too, her eyes wide, “Elaine...”

“What?”

“Darling,” Vivienne gripped my hand, “Your eyes-“

“What about them?”

“A whole universe and world through her eyes,” Cole said, “I can burn brighter, stronger and she will feed me long into her life. We are strong together now, and stronger still when we let go.”

“Chuckles what’s he talkin’ about?” Varric sounded unnerved, glancing back at Solas.

Solas didn’t reply.

Vivienne grabbed me by the shoulders, “My dear... who am I addressing?”

My head tilted to the side, “It’s me Vivienne. Elaine. I haven’t been... possessed? If that’s what you’re thinking. It’ll just take me a second to-“ I took her hands off my shoulders and gripped them tight, closing my eyes and focusing on the twist inside my stomach, the push and pull, the trust between me and my found family.

We breathed in at the same time. There was a connection, a flow of energy between us that settled something inside that had been uproarious. When I opened my eyes again, I found hers were hard at first, as if preparing for an attack, but then they relaxed.

“I’m myself again. Grounded, whole, firm.” Cole grinned across the table at us as we turned around, “It is good to feel whole.”

I settled heavily back into the chair, knowing I’d have to explain some things to my friends. “I’m sorry guys. It was nothing.”

“I seen nothing, that was something. Your eyes were all glowy.” Sera said, her tone sounded like she was freaking out.

“Vivienne and I have it handled. We will figure it out in the morning.”

“You will share when you can.” Anya spoke up again, her eyes serious.

“On my word.” As a liar, a killer, a pretender, a friend. What did my word mean?

It was later, as I tiredly made my way back to my room to sleep the heaviness away, Cole fell into step beside me. Not speaking, he tucked a little sprig of blue flowers into my coat, “These make you happier than forgetting.”

They did make me smile, “Thank you Cole.”

“I am here because you needed me, yet I can’t make sense of what you need.”

“That’s cause I only just figured it out.” We stopped just outside my door, watching the first traces of dawn break over the mountains. “I need... a reminder. Of who I am, who I should always remember I was.”

Deep breath, Defiance warming my veins and skin giving me confidence, “Names and titles you said to Solas. I haven’t had many, yet those I’ve had mean something.”

“There is one that reminds you.”

“Yes...” I turned to him, the spirit of compassion so very much like me, “It’s Bree Donovan. Call me Bree Donovan. As a reminder of all that I was, and could still be.”


	34. House of Straight Snoopin

“I’d like to preface this journey with an apology. Ahem-” Pursing my lips to stop a laugh from escaping, and putting on my best pompous voice, “To Lady Josephine Montilyet, who has yet to endure my incessant horsing around. I cannot help if horses and I do not get along.” I got the giggle I was hoping for which was nice, “To the infamous Varric Tethras, who I am told is not quite infamous in certain Orlesian circles that have no taste. I say please refrain from challenging anyone to cards on the road. At this point we know your skills are far surpassing our own, it’s over, let it go.” He scoffed and turned to get on his own horse (smaller and bred for dwarves). “To Dorian, ma falon, our handsome Tevinter who has deigned to bless us with his presence on this journey...” I bowed in the saddle as Dorian clutched his sides from laughing, “You owe me 50 gold you bastard.”

Both Varric and Dorian burst out laughing again, as Anya finally returned from seeing the other party off. She glanced up and around at everybody with a half smile on her face, “What are you people laughing at now?”

“T’is nothing my Lady Inquisitorialness! I merely jest out of boredom and tired...ness? Shit I wanted to make that rhyme...”

“I am sure you can think of something to rhyme it with along the way.” Anya grinned, turning to Josephine who had been silently giggling but not participating.

Once everybody was ready, and I pulled my travel jerky out of my saddlebag and settled in, Anya urged us forward. “Now, they are expecting us in Val Royeaux in one week, this does not give us plenty of time to-”

“Horse around?” Josephine suggested with a quick grin, glancing my way.

“...Basically yes. I would prefer to take our time to figure the minutiae of this situation out before proceeding, but we don’t have it to spare.” Anya signalled for them to open the gate, and I waved back at Jenny who was on duty again as we left.

“Inquisitor-” Josephine pulled her horse up beside Anya, and engaged her in a conversation I couldn’t hear over the crunching of my travel jerky.

“We just ate a huge breakfast, Spitfire.” Varric from beside me, sounded half awed half exasperated, “I’ve seen Dwarven family dinners consume less food.”

“Aren’t I allowed to be hungry? Plus, this is delicious.” I offered him the bag, “Try it.”

“I swear,” Dorian interrupted as Varric nibbled in a piece of jerky, “The amount of food you and Sera eat, between the pair of you you could feed an entire village. I’ve never seen elves eat so much.”

I took the jerky bag back when Varric offered it, “Maybe it’s ‘cause people think elves actually don’t need to eat, we’re so skinny and scrawny anyway that nobody can tell the difference between unhealthily underfed and a regular elf because almost everyone is the same way.” I shrugged, stashing the jerky in one of the many pockets in Alice’s coat as Dorian hmmed in thought.

“I’d actually have never thought of that...” He said, tapping his chin.

“You’d never have had to before- plus now you’ll keep it mind, have a look for elves when we reach Val Royeaux. They’re really a prime example of it.”

The conversation on the road turned to less heavy topics as we rode fast down the mountain. Stopping for lunch and pee breaks, it took us the entire day to get half way to where we needed to be caught a boat.

That night I sat down next to Anya and offered to help her cook dinner, “So... is this journey gonna take us near Lydes...?”

“No, Inquisition have a boat docked much closer-” She glanced up from the stew, “I am I sorry, I know you must miss it there.”

I thought of Nora’s smiling face as she told me I’s always have a home there, and smiled to myself, “Yeah it’s a bit sad, but I’ve been writing to them more frequently now.”

“What was life like there?” She asked curiously, idly stirring the pot with a spoon, “Apologies if I am being nosy- I never had a truly permanent home, so. You understand.”

“It was sure interesting, Apothecary’s get all sorts of people in. But, you know, it was just home to me. Plus, I found it... kinda boring? We’d get a lot of travelers through, and that’s where the real life was I thought. Out there people could be anything, even an elf could have dreams.” I was concentrating on the task of cutting up bread, and saw her nodding out of the corner of my eye. “I’d clear a space out the back, and... train myself I guess? I wanted to be a dancer, so I did what I thought dancing was.”

“How’d you get from there all the way to an Orlesian stage?” Varric sat down, Bianca on his lap.

“When the Circles fell, there were mages everywhere, rampaging, drunk on freedom basically. They kinda went nuts on our part of town before the guards headed them off, Alice...” Even though it’d been a year, I was still upset at the waste of life. Alice had been the first face I saw in Thedas. She’d been kind and loving when she’d had no reason to. Like Nora, there were friends in Lydes I’d made that I’d never ever forget. “She was old, and in the chaos she was killed.”

“I am very sorry.” Anya touched my arm briefly before turning back to her stew. “I... never really knew my true parents. They either hated me... or loved me enough to free me from the Qun.”

Varric’s interest was piqued then, and he subtly opened his little journal and inkwells.

I was interested too, “I’ve never heard your story.”

“It is not very widely known. I joined the mercenary company when I was grown, but I was taken in and raised by two extraordinary women.” Anya started serving up the stew in bowls, and continued talking as Josephine and Dorian sat down, “Their names are Yelena Castillion, and Reyna Sabre.”

My head tilted, “Sabre is an elven clan name.”

“Castillion is Antivan...” Josephine murmured.

Anya laughed to herself, “Yes, it’s rather strange. Yelena was born an Antivan noble. She fled from an arranged marriage on a whim with a Dalish mage who had been rejected by her clan.”

“That’s a great story!” Varric leant forward, clutching the bowl of stew with one hand, quill poised over the notebook, with the other, “It’s got everything; runaway brides, magic, damsels in distress-“

“Only not a month after they fled, the Blight hit Fereldan, and they found me.” Anya took a piece of bread off the plate, and I started passing them around, “So, I was sort of just... taken in. I knew them as mama, and mamae. Still do.”

“What happened to them? Do they know what has happened?” Josephine appeared like she’d had no prior knowledge of this, and was genuinely concerned. Calculating exactly how many letters needed to be sent to whom.

“They were married a few days before Haven... you know.” Everybody had settled and was tucking into their food at this point, just listening to the story. “I sent a letter to them, but haven’t received a reply yet.”

“I’m sure they’re just trying to find the right words.” Dorian attempted to console.

“I hope so, but I am half worried that mama will decide to do something drastic out of concern for me. She is known for being the more impulsive one.” Anya smiled like this wasn’t such a bad thing, and tucked back into her stew.

***

The place where we headed was close to the market district in Val Royeaux proper. It was half city, half a fuckton of mansions in the area we headed. Josephine thankfully knew where she was headed, and was laser focused in getting us there, even though she seemed quite nervous.

Someone greeted us at the door, bowing their head meekly and silently leading us through the mansion to where the fake lord would be sitting. I knew this mission well, and trusted Anya to do the right thing. I wasn’t even going to try and break the lord out, he could choke for all I cared… What? I didn’t know this guy from Adam, and I’m expected to suddenly be all sunshine and rainbows to an Orlesian dumbass noble just cause he was locked in a closet? Nah nah nah, he gets busted out eventually. It’d fine in the end whether I helped or not. And I chose to not.

So when Anya signaled to us to stay in the entryway while they discussed matters, I crossed my arms and made a face not at the doors, but at the closet in the corner I knew he was locked in, currently unconscious.  “I don’t really trust this.”

“Me neither, Spitfire. The whole thing stinks.” Varric walked up and stood next to me, looking out the window at the table.

“What noble dismisses his servants as a major game-player arrives? The whole point of it is to create a spectacle.” Dorian kicked back in a lounge behind us, and I nodded as he spoke. Crossing my arms and tilting my head at the closet in the corner.

“And servants are good for that kind of gossiping...” I turned, heading towards the door we’d come through, “I’m gonna go do some snooping, wanna come?”

Dorian appeared delighted, “How very devious of you. But I’m afraid I’m not the best with stealth.”

Varric clapped me on the elbow, “Let’s go, Spitfire. If we’re gonna go, we should go now.”

“Sure. Lead the way O Infamous Storyteller.” I mock-bowed at him, and he scoffed and led the way out.

“Don’t wait up darling!” I whispered back to Dorian on my way out.

Varric and I kept to the shadows mostly, but it was odd because we didn’t really need to. The hallways were completely devoid of the usual hustle and bustle of a mansion like this.

“This reminds me of those nobles in Kirkwall, had a desire demon in their cellar.” Varric muttered, “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“ _Really?_ You ‘have a bad feeling’? You know, that’s right up there with ‘what could possibly go wrong?’” I peaked around a doorway into what looked to be a well-used study, “It’s empty.” I turned to Varric who was chuckling again.

I went in first, heading straight for the tea set on the desk, and he shut the door behind us. Putting my palm on the cup, “This is still warm...”

Varric was going through some books along the shelves, “So whatever happened it’s recent- Swords and Shields?! Nobody reads that!”

I laughed, thinking of a certain Seeker, “You’d be surprised.” Moving on behind the desk, there were a few papers and letters spread out haphazardly, looking if they’d been searched and studied multiple times.

Varric pocketed a fancy notebook, and moved to the open window diagonally behind the desk, “This...” He whistled, “Looks like somebody climbed up from the courtyard. Pried the lock, and got in from here.”

“I’d say...” I sat down on the (exceedingly comfortable) chair, looking at all the papers in front if me. One stood out, as if it’d been shoved to the bottom, “If I’d been sitting here, and I heard the window open, I’d hide what I was doing before they could see, then try to defend myself.”

“Ah-” Varric bent down, plucking a white hanky off the ground where it’d been half hidden by the desk, “But you couldn’t defend yourself, because I’d come prepared to silence you.” He sniffed it, then shook his head, “Deathroot, makes you dizzy or knocks you right out.”

“So... what did I manage to hide before you knocked me out?” I turned back to the desk as Varric walked up beside me, placing the handkerchief on the desk.

“This is assuming the Orlesian noble is smarter than every other Orlesian noble.”

“How very Fereldan of you, Varric.”

“Just calling it like it is, Spitfire.”

I’d known the gist of what the missive would say, but it was kinda cool to read it anyway. In games you don’t get the background sorts of things that I was living for right now, even though I knew where the actual lord was, I was too busy trying to figure out what the House of Repose were trying to accomplish, or where their base was, so I could help Leliana destroy the contract later if needed.

“I haven’t heard of the House of Repose.” Varric leant back after reading.

“I have.” I took another piece of vellum from the desk, and in my neatest writing copied out the letter. Varric threw sand on the ink so it’d dry quicker before I folder it up and put it in one of my many coat pockets.

“Let’s go back. I have a feeling I know where the lord is.” I stood up, “And he’s not having lunch with the Inquisitor.”

Varric nodded, “Let’s hurry.”

When we got back to the parlor, Dorian was studying the ornate wardrobe in the far corner, “This is lovely craftsmanship...”

The balcony doors slammed open, and the fake lord ran out and through the doors we’d just come through, Anya and Josephine walking through slowly after.

“Should I go after him?” I made to go out the door, raising my eyebrows at Anya, “He wouldn’t have gotten far.”

“Don’t bother.” Anya spat, crossing her arms, “They’ll be back.”

“They certainly will.” I dug through my pockets, wrapping my fingers around the paper folded up with the information about the House of Repose as Josephine ran over to the wardrobe, and Dorian laughed at the disgruntled noises.

 “Then… a locksmith, perhaps?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mcfreakin looooove josephines character/romance/voice all of it she's beautiful and one of her first missions is my absolute fav its like the first intros to like.. the world of orlesians and politics and conspiracy and intrigue gaah i live for this shit! i'm so psyched to write halimshiral for the first time it gon be so goooood. 
> 
> tricks for kids my dudes, comment!


	35. Dream A Dream Of Haven

Now, we’ve had a lot of fun haven’t we? I like spinning my stories for you. It… helps. Whoever reads this, I hope you know that you’ve helped me come to terms with it. With what’s happened to me and mine, in this absolutely batshit _crazy_ universe. I’ve had to live through a lot, I basically… died? It still isn’t all that clear to me, even now.

  _This_ is when it started though. All of the things that’d happened -with Vivienne, with the Templars, at Haven, at Fereldan- It’s all nothing now. Because I could handle things like violence, I could handle performing on stage, I could handle lying every single day about who I was. I didn’t like it, but I could handle it.

What I had never been prepared for, even in my life outside of Thedas and back on Earth, was for me to share myself and my heart with another person.

There were so many things I’d done to sabotage relationships in my life, I’ve broken up with people just because things were starting to get too real. I’d fuck up every connection I’d make with any man and woman. I didn’t even stay with my family, who I still love with every part of my being, when we moved to London because I couldn’t handle having to be so open with people who knew me so well. I _liked_ being a mystery, I _lived_ off strangers having no idea who I was thinking I was beautiful and praising me up on a stage surrounded by others. And now? I’d aged a lot. Silly, but at twenty-five years old I’d thought I would still feel young.

There’s a change coming from here on, a change in myself and who I was. In who I chose to love, and what choices I made to save them.

I’ll shut up now, but I’m not done telling my story, because the stories won’t stop coming. The others think I’m the most stupid out of all of us, and discount me because of it. But I’m not trying to defend myself or my actions. I’m telling this story because I want my Serena to know who I am, and where I came from.

 _Ar lath ma_ _Serena_ , _ma'esha'lin_   _ma nehn_. _Nuven'in ma to eolasa_. 

***

“You had better protect my Ambassador, she has to get back to Skyhold in one piece you hear me?” Anya had sat us down at the camp fire before she left for the Western Approach. She was going to be riding there hard and fast to meet up with the others.

“Don’t worry, Inquisitor.” Varric patted her on the elbow, “We’ll all be fine.”

“Famous last words, Storyteller.”

“It’s the truth, though,” Grinning at the pair of them before turning to Anya, “We’ll keep her safe.”

Taking a deeper breath of relief, she smiled a little before turning and gracefully mounting the giant ass hart. Offering us a little wave, “See you all back home.”

“Bye Anya!”

With that and a few last waves she was gone.

We were at an Inquisition camp, so there wasn’t much to do before we rode out. Instead of Anya accompanying us, Harding and two other scouts were going to return to Skyhold with us, so it was a larger party as we were camping that night.

After going through the first watch, my eyes on the moons and my ears listening for anything unusual from the surrounding forest, my head hit the pillow and I fell asleep reading over the letter from the House of Repose.

Instantly the smell of flowers and morning dew met my nose, and I could hear the sound of running water as well… it was absolutely _magical_ here. I was standing in ankle deep water, on what felt like mosaic tiles that glinted blue and green and pearlescent in the clear water. It was like I was in this huge pool that had been tucked between walls of moss and earth and curtains of flowers. I had never seen anywhere the like- it had the look of an elven ruin, without the ruin … “Wait where in the Fade am I?”

“I have dreamt here, and wanted you to see it.” Of course, who else would it be? Solas was leaning against a wall, arms crossed and expression not giving any intention away.

Eyebrows furrowing, “But…” I glanced down at my feet, I was wearing leathers and a shirt –clothes I’d worn to sleep incase we were attacked during the night. This wouldn’t do… concentrating until there was tug in my stomach and I was in a much nicer white tea-dress that I was much more comfortable in.

Immediately I knelt down in the water and ran a hand over the mosaic, “It’s so pretty!”

There was a smile in his voice as he replied, but I didn’t look up to see when the water splashed as he pushed away from the wall and moved closer, “Pretty? I do not believe I’ve heard that before.” Suddenly I could see his wrapped feet right in front of me, “You often say the strangest things.”

“It means beautiful,” Glancing up with a huge smile, I realised how close he’d gotten, and what position I’d gotten myself into by kneeling down. My heart hitch-kicked into my throat and wouldn’t stop beating adrenaline through my entire person as my smile slowly left my face as he stared down at me. He’d been smiling too, but his eyes kind of widened in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected this reaction either.

 I felt the air get heavy as I slowly stood up, trying to breathe but kinda struggling with it. “So… why did you bring me here? I assume there was a reason.”

Solas tilted his head to the side, face unreadable again even though I’d gotten quite good at figuring out what he was thinking. I could _see_ the wheels turning in his head, trying to decide what cryptic thing to say while still getting what he wanted. “There was… something.”

It made me laugh a little, the tension was so high but it was nice to know it affected him as much as it did me. “So eloquent! Should I leave while the thought comes back to you?”

His eyes gleamed for a moment, before he turned to the side, “Come.”

I followed wordlessly, it was like I’d been in charge of one dream and now it was his turn. He led the way out of the water and through a curtain of flowers and into a scene that seemed so goddamn familiar it made me stop walking and look around laughing.

“ _Haven?_ We… we’re in _Haven_.” A scene straight out of a video game, we were now walking back through a very wintery Haven, it was completely empty and there was barely any sound, but that’s where we were standing. “Oh my…” I was quite frankly astounded; I _knew_ what could happen here! I could _see_ where this would lead! This had happened a few times, like back when I first encountered the group in Val Royeaux, but not… with like actual emotion involved. Not with him. “Could we… go somewhere else? Please? I like castles?” Remaining planted on the spot, I reached for his hand and tugged him away from the direction he’d been walking.

Wordlessly he let me lead him over to the tavern, away from the chantry. I didn’t let go of his hand, it felt too nice as we were walking, it felt kinda normal? And that wasn’t something that I’d felt in a while I wasn’t about to let that go. He spoke as we talked, now that we’d grown comfortable with the tension and he wasn’t looking directly at me, he said what he’d been trying to say before.

“I believe we have quite a bit of unfinished business, _nuvi'sulena_.” He began, “We cannot put it off any longer.”

“I know.” This was serious, or was about to be, and I couldn’t laugh or smile or run away from it this time.

“There are things you say that I find extremely strange, and then other times it as if you can see precisely what I am thinking. It’s as if… you can predict it.”

“First of all, I can’t see the future. I’m not some soothsayer.” I pulled us to a stop, “And second I’d like to stop you right there, because I can do a lot of things, but I could _never_ predict what you’re about to do.”

“But you can. You knew what was about to happen with Wisdom and were prepared to do what it took to save them. You helped us despite knowing that I would not be as thankful immediately.”

“That’s not you though. You never have to say it for me to know.” Squeezing his hand, I tried to offer him a classic Elaine smile to lighten the mood. I led us through the doors of the tavern over to a table, but didn’t sit down.

His brow creased, “You are… perplexing.”

“If we’re exchanging compliments, I’d like to comment right now on how astoundingly attractive you are when you look at me like that.” Pay Solas a compliment and watch how it throws him off balance, it’s quite funny. “But… okay. I know you want answers. And I will give them to you but… not here. In person. There are things that I just… I _can’t_ say out loud yet.”

You know that look when you can just tell that someone has made a decision about something? When the gears stop turning and the light bulb goes off in their head and suddenly their eyes gleam with the edge they now have over you? That’s what flickered over his expression, a kind of unpredictable heat that kind of made my heart flip over once again and made the air turn electric.

“I could… _convince_ you to speak.” He murmured, letting go of my hand as heat filled his gaze as he looked me up and down. He lazily stepped back, letting me squirm under an intense look in his eyes.

I took the adrenaline and the thumping of my heart behind my ears, and poured it into my nerve to offer the Dread Wolf a smirk, “ _You_ _could_ _try_.”

There’s a lot of things I could be called. Reckless, witty, impulsive just to name a few. But there’s one thing that had never been applied to me, something that I’d had to learn throughout my long stay in Thedas, and that was patience. I always wanted to get straight to the point, I could never stand things being drawn out. And now? It seemed like… I’d met my match.

Because Solas was more than happy to be patient, he was a wolf after all. Happy to give chase, happy to stay still when his prey would come to him.

And me, well… I was happy to oblige.

I made the first move, even knowing all I knew, I reached forward and pulled him to me. A quick kiss, barely there, testing and searching. _I know how Lavellan feels_. Pulled away to search his eyes for a hint of reluctance, but all I found was this kind of hunger, and he didn’t push me away. Instead he stepped forward, twining us together until I had no choice but to wrap myself around him further, I felt his hands everywhere, gripping, touching, and his kiss was earthshattering. I wanted _so much more._

I was boneless when he pulled away yet, I was absolutely warm all over. “We shouldn’t. I can’t.”

“And why not?”

"There are things you do not know. That you could never understand." He hadn't let me go though, and though he'd worked to school his face and calm down, he was just as flustered as me. 

"There are things about me you couldn't understand either, and yet-" I used my legs that were still wrapped around him to pull him closer, and I could feel a heat between us that spoke of what would have happened if he hand't stopped. "I'm still here. And so are you."

He paused, breathing heavily and frozen as if physically holding himself back. Again I could see the gears turning in his head, trying to get him to land on a course of action that seemed like the best path. But, and here's the kicker, he did what he absolutely always did when he couldn't think of what else to do.

Deny. 

“Oh don’t you dare-”

“ _Wake_ _up_.”

Son of a bitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have a table/desk kink and am only just realising it. This might come [ ;) ] to fruition later on. PSA; this wont get outright smutty but like… it’ll be implied. Also writing this chapter was like someone ripping my false teeth right outa my mouth with a pair of pliers. im not happy with it so there may be some changes later. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


	36. Mama Viv

The nerve, the cheek of him!

I jolted awake from that unbelievably irritating dream totally frustrated. And not just the angry kind.

It didn't go away either, the whole time during breakfast, and the morning up until lunch I was cranky and irritable. The motion of the stupid horse between my legs causing an unbelievable irritation for me the whole time.

And I was usually such a joy on the road too.

None of the scouts, and none of the others approached me after I verbally attacked the first one (I’m sorry Jim) that tried to engage me in conversation. It was damn lucky for them that we were barely half a days ride away from Skyhold.

It took all my effort to go and brush down the indifferent horse when we got there. I was even trying to tell myself to calm down, chill out.

No. I had gone without for a _very_ long time, and he goes and does _that?_ Not on my watch.

 I was totally gonna get him back.

Varric stepped forward to say something to me as I passed but backed off when he saw my thunderous face. I shoved the crumpled letter at him, “Get that to Leliana,” And continued on my way towards Solas.

He damn near lived in that rotunda, so if there were anywhere I’d be able to find him it was there. I stormed in without a second thought, the door slamming against the wall as I shoved it open and stalked into the room, “SOLAS.”

He was sat as his desk, writing stubbornly on a mess of papers as if they’d insulted elven glory, the shard from out in the field sitting in front of him. He jumped and stood up quickly when he heard the ruckus I was making, “Elaine-”

“I WASN’T FINISHED!” I hadn’t stopped walking towards him, and when I hit the desk I went over it, reaching across and grabbing him by that tooth pendant and pulling him closer over the table until I was kissing him again. At first he was frozen, surprised by how forward I was being, but then he responded in what was almost as enthusiastic as last night. Tongues and teeth, and a red hot electricity that had driven me mad all the way back.

He moved to pull me closer across the desk, but it was me who jerked away this time breathing heavily. Still leaning across the desk, I reached into my coat pocket, retrieving my worn journal and slamming it down on the table, “Here’re your answers, Solas.” Whispering, knowing he was trying to figure out what I was thinking in the exact same way that I was trying to with his expressionless face. How could you kiss someone like that and then be so calm?

“Until you’ve finished, and processed it, you won’t understand anything.” With that I pulled away from the desk, standing up straighter I dusted myself off.

Spying a tanned face peaking over balcony, I poked my tongue out at Dorian as he gave a short whistle when I walked past him on my way to my rooms.

***

Ever been so comfortable that it takes literal minutes to fully wake up from a good nights sleep? That’s how I felt about my bed that first night back. The bath? Heavenly. No pants no breast band? Godsend. Reading latest chapter of a Varric Tethras classic while sipping a delicious wine and eating cheese? I’d ascended.

I thought I’d only just fallen asleep when I heard the lock turn on the doors, and for the first time I was too tired to jump up to defend myself instantly like I usually would. Plus if they were here to attack me they wouldn’t use a key. Also… who would attack me? I was literally nobody.

So I groggily sat up on my elbows as the door opened, and a familiar face strutted down the little steps into my room. “Vivienne? What’re you… isn’t it like one in the morning?”

“This couldn’t wait, my dear. Please join me, I brought those delicious sweet cakes you like, and some fresh tea.” She made herself at home in my couches, setting up all the food while I reached over my bed to the chest where I’d thrown Alice’s coat. It was long enough that I didn’t have to put on pants, plus I’d worn less in stage who cared, certainly not Vivienne.

“Now,” She began once I sat down and dug into the backed goods, “Lord Pavus shared something with me earlier, and it has occurred to me that you may have a gap in knowledge.”

Um, okay? It was a bit too early in the morning for this. “What did Dorian say?”

“He informed me of what occurred between you and Solas. And while I may not understand your choices, or like them, I will not just watch while this matter is not settled.”

“If it helps, I don’t understand my choices either.” I nervously chewed at a bit of pastry, “It’s not like I don’t know this won’t end well.”

“Even so.” She sipped her tea delicately before placing it back on the table. I watched her collect herself before speaking, taking the time to fold her hands in her lap before looking up. “You are unaware of the measures to prevent pregnancy, correct?”

Well… shit. I’d never actually… thought about it. Well I had in passing, when there were times I’d gotten kinda lonely, and when I watched Alice crush up some herbs to administer as a kind of morning after thing, I just sort of didn’t think about it. I tilted my head to the side, placing the plate down, “Huh… well. Can I explain my reasoning?”

“Please, dear.”

“Back home it’s kinda easy to get access to that sort of thing –there was a room at uni-university that literally kept a bunch of them sitting out for people to take if they needed it- but I never thought about it here? There aren’t things you think about until they become relevant you know?”

“I understand, there are things you learn when growing that aren’t taught later. I am only glad Lord Pavus mentioned something rather crass in an attempt to rile me, so I can explain it to you before a mistake was made.”

It was… hard… so late at night after just being asleep, to understand what I was feeling at the moment. It was so unbelievably _touching_ that she thought of me. I nearly burst into tears, and I just looked down at my hands, clenching my jaw so I didn’t. Out of all my family before, I had been closest to my mum, I used to go to her for anything when I was little, and she always made me feel loved. And I hadn’t seen her for a long time, there wasn’t many people I could be wholly myself with here, not like I’d been able to with mum –fuck that sounded really lame doesn’t it?

But if there was anyone that’d been my friend, the closest person I could share my thoughts with in the same way, in a way I hadn’t expected to, was Vivienne.

She reached across the table to grasp my hand, and there was a moment of comforting silence as I recovered. When I looked up I offered her the smallest smile, that she returned.

“Shall I?”

 “Please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short lil chapter before we start getting to the big stuff. I'm building up two things simultaneously; 1. Western Approach, 2. Solas/Elaine (Solaine?) relationship endgame. This train has left the station!
> 
> comment my dudes :DDD


	37. Making Out and Up

Fast forward about nearly two months? And we of the Inquisition were working _hard_. 

Anya had obviously trusted the lot of us to look after Skyhold and take care of the rest of the war-table missions while she was at the Western Approach. She did request some of her party switch out, so Blackwall returned and Cole left with Vivienne to meet Bull and Anya. We were often asked to make a few day trips out to places, which was fine, because every time I spied a certain elf with his nose buried in a familiar book it’d take everything I fucking had to stop myself from going up to him and confronting him about it.

So when Leliana first invited Blackwall, Sera, Dorian, and myself into the war room to send us over to the Arbor Wilds to finish all the current missions over there, I was like ‘fuck yeah let’s fucking go!’ and had my foot half out the door before Leliana even finished briefing us about the missions that were left to do. She even had to stop me when I was about to leave, “Elaine, a moment.”

“Uh-huh?”

“I’m aware that you need to get ready to ride out tomorrow, but I wished to thank you. Varric informed me that you were the one who brought me the information about the House of Repose.” Her expression was thankful, or a small approximation of thankful, which felt kinda nice coming from someone who made me write until my fingers hurt back in Haven.

“Sure, I wanted to help Josephine, and like… it’s just a shitty situation.” I shrugged, half flattered that she was smiling at me, and half uncomfortable that she was thanking me.

“True,” Her head tilted to the side, and her smile died a bit but her eyes didn’t change, “So if I needed you to… help me out with helping Lady Montilyet, you wouldn’t be averse to that?”

Now my smile was like hers too; small, cold, and deranged enough to make anyone watching question whether they stole something off us. “I would not be.”

“Very good.”

And as we left for the Arbor Wilds the next morning, I ignored that elven figure standing up on the bridge to the main hall watching as we rode away.

***

“BITCH YOU OWE ME TEN SILVER!”

“Spitfire don’t lie, we saw you and Sera counting the cards- take it off.”

“URGH! I’ll get you for this, Varric!” Glaring at the smirking dwarf, and then glancing at Sera who made a fake gagging motion and kicked her shoes off. And I, who had always been bad at cards, wrenched off my shirt and crossed my arms over the breast band, “I hate you all I can’t believe I let you talk me into this again.”

Blackwall was sitting next to me, and he was chuckling under his breath but he was also trying to not look in my direction. C’mon man, what am I chopped liver? It’s not like I hadn’t worn less on stage before! Plus, it wasn’t awkward until I had no pants on. “At least there’s someone here who’s worse at cards than I am.” 

“Not a word, warden. You also owe me 10 silver.”

“But we _were_ countin’ cards, Spitfire.” Sera snorted into her drink.

“I admit to nothing- everyone shut up and let Varric deal us in again so I can whip your butts.”

“Kinky.” The aforementioned dwarf gave me a side eye as he gathered up the cards again.

As I looked over my hand I realised yet again that I’d forgotten the rules, and nearly signalled Sera to count the cards again, when a tall Qunari appeared in the doorway to the Herald’s Rest. “Hey Stranger!” Forgetting the state I was in (Half dressed kinda tipsy) I waved madly at Anya as she walked towards the table.

“Tadwinks!” Sera jumped up enthusiastically from her seat, clambered over the table and also Varric to jump at her girlfriend, who hugged the elf with a huge smile of relief on her face. “Hello Sera, yes I missed you too.”

Assuming the card game was over, I gulped down the rest of my drink and pulled my shirt back on as the rest of the gang trailed into the bar. It was _very_ late at night so the rest of the place was empty, so nobody was around to witness the inner circle with their guard down. When Vivienne trailed into the tavern behind Cullen, I ran up and gave her a hug despite knowing she’d think I was being an idiot.

“Madam. How was the desert?” I asked, pulling away only after I got a few polite pats.

“Darling, it was absolutely abysmal second only to the Fallow Mire.” She took my offered elbow, and let me lead us over to the table as everyone started greeting each other, “But how are you? Working hard I see.” She pursed her lips at the cards on the table as I pulled up another chair for her.

“Well yes, but thank god you arrived or I’d be kicking off my pants right now.” Okay I may not have been _just_ tipsy, but at least I was still cute so the drunkenness can be forgiven. Sera sat back down on my other side, having not let go of Anya’s hand and talking her ear off as well. If I was drunk she was on her way to blacking out I was shocked that Anya could understand her.

I guess she was used to it?

“So why y’all come straight to here instead of having a shower or sleeping in?” I asked the now settled table, even though I knew what’d happened already. It was ingrained in me to keep everything in me a secret.

“I wanted to tell everyone but… wait where is Solas?” Anya glanced around, “Was he not here?”

I didn’t have to comment on that, because the damn peanut gallery (Dorian and Varric) were happy to jump in.

“No, but I believe our Elaine would be more than happy to go and retrieve him.” Dorian grinned broadly in my direction across the table as Varric sniggered, “We sure she’ll come back?”

I _wanted_ to tell them to fuck off, but I just looked down at my hands, “Fine, I need to sober up anyway.” And the walk up to Solas’ room near the rotunda would help me with that. Besides, I knew Skyhold backwards and forwards it wouldn’t be a long trip, I could just go through Cullen’s office from the outer wall and then ignore Solas all the way back because I’m sure that’s what he’d do to me, I hadn’t spoken him in real life or in a dream for ages. How long did it take to read a journal for maker-sake?

The night air helped a little bit, and I took some deep breaths as I knocked on his door again, the sense of de-ja-vu really getting to me as I waited. This was exactly like back in Haven, only now there was a lot up in the air between us that I wasn’t sure about.  

The door clicked, and he had the expression of someone who had just been interrupted for a split second before it morphed into the indifferent mask that I recognised. “Yes?”

“The Inquisitor is back. She’s called an immediate meeting at the tavern.” My mouth twitched with nervousness as I attempted to school my expression in the same my he did.

He looked like he wanted to argue, but then nodded and disappeared before returning. I noted that he didn’t lock his room, but waved a hand over the door and I felt a tug in my stomach as he turned my way. “It is urgent, correct?”

_What the hell was I thinking, he’s read it, he knows what I am, he knows and he’s decided enough is enough, he’s going to end it he’s going to kill me even after everything we’ve been through. I don’t think I can handle going on like this._ Nodding, my fists clenching with the effort it was taking not to show how panicked this situation was making me, I turned and led the way back to the tavern the way I came.

I opened the door to Cullen’s office, and let him go through first before shutting it behind me. Suddenly his hands were on my shoulders, pushing me back towards the door, trapping me there as his mouth met mine in a passionate, knee-melting kiss. Pressed there against the door, there was nowhere else for me to go except closer to him, which was fine with me as adrenaline and that familiar electricity thrummed through me.

My heart was attempting to beat through my chest as he pulled away slightly, his hands moving to wrap around my waist, plundering my mouth again once more before pulling away, “I have not finished. We are not finished.”

I breathed out a short laugh, “So… this means you’ve nearly thought your way through it?”

“There is still much to be discussed.” He pressed his lips to my forehead, “But for now… lead on.”

Now feeling extremely comforted, I straightened my shirt and combed my hair a bit as we walked back towards the tavern, feeling his fingers brush my other hand for a brief moment before we walked back in to meet the uproarious meeting of the Inquisition Inner Circle.

Ignoring Varric and Dorian as I sat back down next to Vivienne, who immediately launched into a story about the gas in the Western Approach, and how long it took to get the smell out of her nose.

When she mentioned it, I tilted my head to the side. “Anya,” I leaned across the table, “Have you thought of a way to get past the gas?”

“We have some people who can clear the path, it is more of a time issue than anything else.” She shrugged, reaching up to untie the bun of braids on top of her head, “That is not what I’m worried about currently.” As the braids fell down her back, she shook her head a bit then stood up, and eventually the table fell quiet.

Hawke and Varric took the longest to shut up, they were best friends and wouldn’t stop talking and laughing at each other. He seemed much like the old Varric I recognised from the second game, far freer than he’d been before and not everyone would have noticed. Like the weight on his shoulders was less heavy when Hawke was around…

“I will be concise as we have just returned, and it’s very late.” Anya began, digging her hands in her pockets and looking around the table at everyone gathered, “There is far more going on with the Grey Wardens than we originally believed. From what we have gathered, they are using demons to cultivate an army to stop the Blight.” She paused while the rest of the table murmured to each other, and I glanced at Solas just in time to see his disgusted expression. “They must be stopped, before it goes any further.”

Blackwall stood up, he was on my other side, and I glanced at him in confusion as he spoke up, “Inquisitor, if I may?”

“Please.”

“The Grey Wardens are practical, good soldiers. There are some who can be reasoned with. I am with you, but I would ask that we spare those that we can.” He settled back in his seat, and I was kind of impressed for a moment before turning back to Anya.

She was nodding, but her expression was serious, “I acknowledge that there are some being coerced, who _wants_ to work with demons? But I believe that Corypheus is influencing their leaders.” 

“Even if he was not, they need to be stopped.” Solas said evenly, and Anya nodded again.

“I won’t lie; this is going to be a difficult fight. As Blackwall said, the Grey Wardens are soldiers. They will know how to respond.” She looked extremely tired, “Each of you will be stationed as a part of our forces, none of you will remain here. Blackwall, Varric, Solas, Elaine. You will be with me.” She did continue, but this was when I tuned out because that fear and anxiety was suddenly back again, but this time for a whole other reason.

It was at that point I realised that I would be going (back?) into the fade. This would be the closest I’d gotten to going back home for two years. I could leave! I could go back to my own world; I wouldn’t have to fight any more! I could just be… done. Happiness and relief at the prospect surged through me, for all of three seconds before another thought came to me, and my eyes trailed over towards Hawke, who was listening to Anya intently.

I … I had no idea what to do. There was so much going on in my head that it was hard to figure out what my plan should be going forward. Did I still want to go home? Even knowing who had passed on? Did I even want to help with this decision? I could just sit back and let it all play out, let Hawke or Loghain get left behind and see if I cared. 

Swallowing, I was lost in my head for the rest of the meeting, and barely registered what was being discussed before we were all dismissed. And on the way back to my room I paused, looking back up to the sky where the two moons were starting to dip. Behind my eyes were stinging, and I just knew I was about to cry. 

“There’s too much for me to think about. Hard to see, hard to know, hard to decide.” Cole again, as usual sat on the ledge in front of me and stared up at the moons too. “There’s only so many choices, thoughts, confusion, before Defiance choses and shows the right one. Before together you can change an outcome set in stone.”

 “That doesn’t make any sense.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes.

“It won’t.” He replied, as if it were the simplest thing in the world, “But you know what it means still. There aren’t so many decisions that the one you know is right is overshadowed.”

“Sacrifice.” The word was heavy inside my heart, but testing it out kind of… felt right. “There’s so many that… there’s no choice.”

“Exactly.”

“You know, I really like our therapy sessions, Cole.” I moved and sat down next to him on the barrier, “But next time, let’s just get together and play cards. Or I could teach you a bit about dancing. Normal stuff.”

He ducked his head, and his voice was pleased when he replied, “I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit me up with those comments tho


	38. Before the Shitstorm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love some comments- next chapter i swear we launch into the abyss

There was something to be said about armor crafting. It was extremely impressive, what Dagna and Harritt could do down in the armory. Mine had gotten old a long time ago, and if I was going to … do what needed to be done, I had to have all new stuff according to Anya. So there I was chilling with Cole, teaching him how to do some plies (warm up moves that they do on the ballet barre) and laughing at how he struggled to keep his feet in the correct position. Waiting for our brand new armor to finish.

“First position,” I laughed, “It’s like… a pizza slice shape.”

“But how can it be pizza? It’s not food.”

“Well no-”

“What are you guys talking about over here? What’s pizza? What are you doing?” Dagna appeared again, carrying the armor over to the enchantment table.

I covered another laugh as Cole moved into third position and nearly fell over, “You gotta balance, bud. Suck in your stomach, and your butt. Like this-” Moving to stand beside him, standing in the correct position. He had a confused expression on his face, and the giant hat was getting in the way of his eyes and not helping his balance at all, but he looked like he was having fun which was a nice change.

Dagna laughed, “I should get some lessons off you, Elaine. If it’s this fun to watch, it’s got to be as fun to join.”

Turning to smile wide at her, but not changing positions as I led Cole through a demi-plié then a rise, “Any time, Harding said she wanted to know more too. Maybe I could start a no-humans dance school right here in Skyhold.”

“It’d get everybody talking, that’s for sure.”

“Cole, how do you feel about being a principal dancer? The pay is terrible, and there’s next to no health benefits, but you’d be able to lord it over everybody else.” I laughed at his concentrating expression, as Harritt shook his head in confusion across the room as if he had no idea what we were talking about.

As we moved on from plies, the door to the workshop opened and shut, and Clara walked through holding a clipboard and a basket. She appeared as if she’d been hard at work, hair pulled back and pencils shoved through, reading the papers on the clip board as she ventured down the stairs.

I went over to her, tapping her on the shoulder, “Hey Clara. You look busy, but how are you? How is everyone?”

She looked up and offered me a warm but tired smile, “Things are good, I don’t think any of us have taken a break longer than one hour since we got to Skyhold, but you know us –working hard is second nature.”

This made my smile droop, “You shouldn’t work yourself too hard, though. Is it Inquisition work? Or is it Alienage work?”

“Right now it’s Alienage, although it’s been renamed since you last visited.” She grinned crookedly at my guilty expression, “We named it Lanaste. I asked Merrill, she’s been very helpful.”

“Elven? I haven’t… what does it mean?”

“Mercy.” She said, smiling sagely. “I’ll be back in a second,” With that, she turned and tapped Harritt on the shoulder. And Dagna turned around holding a few different pieces of kinda purple and green fabric and leather.

“Your brand new armor, Miss Elaine.” She said, holding it out for me to take.

Thanking her, I held up some of the pieces and to look at them. Before I even realised it I'd muttered, "Where have I seen this before..." The new armor was bad ass, but it looked so familiar it was ridiculous. Where... OH! Like that show, Defenders? Elecktra's modern armor in that show is exactly what it looked like. Well almost, the colour was different for one thing more dark purples and blue/greens, and the top was a like very flexible leather that wrapped around the torso comfortably, and the exposed shoulders would allow me to move around but the gloves would protect my skin from any bad blood or gore that could do harm.

I was itching to try it on, to test it out, "Can I?"

Dagna's excitement refreshingly matched mine, "For sure!" She ushered me over to a screen as Clara spoke and Harritt walked off towards his office,

It fit like a glove, and it was... kinda warm? For example, in my old armor I'd worn Alice's coat because the undercroft was always cold due to the waterfall and the wind coming in from the mountains. But now that I was in the armor, I was feeling nice and warm, and when the lights caught the metal and fabric it shone with enchantments. "Dagna this is so awesome I'm struggling to believe it."

"Huh? Never-mind that, come out and show us! Wait where did Cole go?" Carrying my old armor over to a chair and draping it over, I turned around and showed Dagna, noticing how smooth it felt to walk in the new everything, even the shoes were quieter! "How in the dang creators did you manage to make boots like these quieter? Is there even a spell for that?" I did a few jumps, and some hitch kicks to test flexibility. "This is so cool." I loved the new armor, but as I performed a really flawless cartwheel I spied Cole sitting on the chair where my old armor was draped.

As I landed, I heard his voice, "A gift for someone who'd gifted me a second chance. It won't pay the debt. I can never pay the debt. I'll owe her forever and I don't think I mind." He spoke, lifting one of the sleeves up.

Swallowing the sudden lump in my throat, I lent against the table next to him, just listening.

"Intrigue, mystery, so refreshing to have a face like hers. New, recognizable, something I can use. Will Bastien live through the month? I need to go to him, I need to see him, I need-" He cut off, because I'd put a hand on his shoulder to stop him from saying any more of Vivienne's private thoughts out loud. I know she wouldn't have wanted any of us to hear, including me.

Dagna, who'd stayed close, frowned and put a hand to her chin, "Whose he talking about?"

"A friend." Picking up the piece of the armor he'd been holding, I ran a hand over the fabric.

"Is the face he's talking about yours? What kind of friend uses people? And they owe someone a debt? Talk about mystery!" She exclaimed.

Nodding absently, but I was lost in thought as I ran a finger over a tear in the sleeve. I'd always known from the start who Vivienne was, when I'd saved her I hadn't thought twice about joining her, knowing that she'd want to use me how she could. Leliana did the same, so did Anya and Solas when given the chance. Hell, even I'd used Nora as a safety-blanket when I didn't want to deal with my own shit. People here just used each other, that's what life here was. And I could still be someone's close friend, knowing that we'd used each other mutually.

Sounded kinda fucked up, but made some sense to me.

I held it up, and Dagna took it gently and began inspecting it. "Could you... shit, I don't know, repair it?" This armor had been a gift from Vivienne, I didn't want to just throw it away I couldn't do that to her.

Dagna fiddled with some of the well-worn (and loved) fabric, her expression contemplative, "Sure, no problem. This is easy stuff."

"Thank you, Dagna." I smiled at her, relaxing my shoulders, now able to be comfortable in my brand new armor.

Clara returned from Harritt’s office, her basket now full of assorted bits and bobs, "Elaine that amour looks fantastic, Jenny really is a genius at design."

Smile not fading, but I started up the stairs towards her, "Jenny designed this? I should go and thank her then. Also kinda want to test it out. Come with me to the barracks?"

"Sure!" She opened the door, "See you later Harritt!"

"Let's pick up the dancing lesson, Cole." I called out to wherever he was now, "Thanks for the new armor, Dagna, you're a beautiful genius." Her ears turned a cute shade of pink, and she purposefully turned her back to focus on what she'd been working on.

***

Climbing onto the little loft in the rotunda, I slowly munched on the breakfast I'd snagged and sipped at the coffee.

It was very early in the morning, and I'd barely gotten a wink of sleep at all, I'd been too nervous about Adamant. Not even a cup of coffee from Vivienne had dulled the nerves, and now I was up before sparrows-fart, brain spinning, weighing up the pro's and con's of running away and never coming back. Just so I wouldn't have to face what I knew I'd have to do.

The rotunda was a nice place to chill. And it felt quite private up on the scaffolding, without the sound of crows up the stairs, that made it a rare moment of peace. Of calm, of- "Elaine? Are you here?"

I just responded with a grump that spoke of how little sleep I was now running on.

Footsteps, then the sound of someone climbing the ladder. Then Solas' face appeared at the top of the ladder, "There is a couch down here if you wished to rest. It is quite early."

"I'm good. I couldn't sleep if I wanted to." I took a sip from the lukewarm coffee mug, "Besides, I'd thought you'd be using it. The couch I mean."

His lips pursed, and he moved to sit on the scaffolding beside me. "I could not sleep either. This business with the Grey Wardens is... stubborn. Disturbing."

"Indeed," I replied with a tired grin, "What's the stubborn part?"

He made a face, "There are... aspects of their plan that are abhorrent. All this simply to stop the Blight."

"I know- that's not how the Blight works." At this I turned and swung my legs over the edge of the scaffolding, and Solas did the same, "It's not something that we'll be able to just... stop in one fowl swoop. There will always be more arch demons." From what I'd understood of Dragon Age lore, which to be fair was very little, each Arch Demon was an old god, and I think there was like... seven of them? And there'd been five blights already up until this point, that left two remaining. Tow more Blights and they were all far worse than before. Especially now that the entire continent was so unstable, by not only the breach and the rifts. But by Civil War and dragons and every other son of a bitch waiting to take advantage of it all.

But who could explain all that to someone who didn't know what Google was and how I knew all of it?

He was quiet at this though, "Not many can predict what may happen." Turning my way, I realised he was holding a beaten-up and weathered journal that was extremely familiar now. "But some already know what will happen, they have seen it before as clear as they see the past."

Swallowing, different kinds of nerves floating around in my throat as I let him put the journal in my hands almost reverently. "But memory is as subjective as predicting the future. It's through my perception of what happened, not what actually happened... it's weird and complicated and I know this stupid diary probably didn't explain any of it in detail- hey dude stop laughing at me I'm trying to have a truthful moment here." Half grumpy, half smiling with him, I took his hand when he offered it, "I'm just... trying to make sense of it all. Same as you."

"I'm aware." His voice was soft, and he switched the hand holding mine, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, I could rest my head on his shoulder now, and found it nice and comfortable.

"Solas... I'm sorry about Wisdom." I whispered into the quiet, "They were your friend, not mine."

"There were ours. And now they can be again thanks to you." He replied wistfully at the same volume. My eyes were closed but I felt him turn to look down at me, "And you are going to have to forgive me for this."

I barely stirred, "For what?"

" _Sleep_."

***

" _It's so fucking hot I'm dying_." Squinting past my horse, the wrap around my head not really providing much relief from the sun beaming down on the travelling party.

Solas chuckled, but didn't say anything as he rode next to me. Varric, who was on my other side, completely agreed, "Spitfire I think I can see lines coming off the ground, but also coming off of us."

"I can _hear_ my skin burning up, I'm _never_ going to recover from this heat. _Who_ convinced me to come again?" Groaning, I draped myself over the horse, who for once was also agreeing with me and kept the same sluggish pace that we'd set towards Adamant. Mark the rare moment, kids; The time me and a horse were in sync.

"Stop being such a child, Elaine." Anya called from in front, riding next to Hawke who was pulling something over her head that was kind of in between a one of those cone-shaped straw hats and a Stetson. Our esteemed Herald was in some brand new robes like the rest of us, those special Qunari ones that they'd sourced for her somehow, and looked like a beautiful goddess with all of her exposed silvery skin and blue paint all over in patterns. Her braids spilling down her back in a gathering that swung down between her shoulder blades. Inquisitor Anya Adaar really did look the part, and (not for the first time) I had to breath through my panic at what we'd have to accomplish.

I bit back what I wanted to say, and just sighed loudly, "Are we there yet though?"

"No."

"Not even close."

"The more you ask that the further away it seems we are."

"URGH! MY HORSE FOR A BATH!"

And they all laughed at me. That's it, that's the scene. And however much I wish that the journey ended there, this part of the story hasn't even started yet.

***

 

 

 

****A/N NEW ARMOR THAT IT'S BASED ON.** **

  

**Pic on the left is _Tessa_ from the Dragon Age: Magekiller comics (They're about Dorian Pavus apparently) which is so funny cause _my_ name is Tessa and i had no idea about the character i just liked the armor. Pic on the right is the best I could find to show of elecktras armor cause it's boss. I'M OUT TILL NEXT TIME MY DUDES. **


	39. Chill. The. Fuck. Out

How I was wishing for some music at that moment. 

It was the stupidest thing to want right then, especially when there should've been a whole host of other priorities to address before some god damn music could be reached. Things like... going to the bathroom before we stormed the castle so I wouldn't need to in the fade. Having something to drink, making sure that I carried enough food and my waterskin was full should I be the one staying behind, making sure to carry extra daggers and weapons (Because we all know how often I drop things), even washing my face and asking Harding to redo my braid were higher up than listening to some tunes about now.  
  
But... that's where I was at right then. I just wanted to calm down, listening to some music. Because that's what always, without fail, absolutely would take the edge off all my nerves.  
  
I'd changed into my armour about thirty minutes ago, and had tried to help out when needed as a distraction, but really I was a big bundle of fear and anticipation and nothing so far had worked to take my mind off it.  
  
Ducking into the tent I was sharing with Vivienne (She was out with some of the mages. She said she was 'preparing' them for the battle but I'm sure she was just giving them an earful about demon possession and withstanding temptation), I unbuckled what was basically a utility belt that went around my shoulders like a sash instead of an actual belt, and threw it at the cot that'd been set up for me. Taking fast breaths and trying to breathe through the anxiety, even though the knot in my stomach hadn't gone away since we'd arrived and I felt like my whole life had been leading up to this moment and it'd been two years of nothing and then all of a sudden I'd found a reason for it all. Whoa, spiralling again.  
  
My breath hitched and my nose tingled, and I knew I was going to cry. "C'mon, Bree. You can fucking get through this." I hissed at myself, pacing in between the cots. And for some reason, I heard my mum's voice in my head telling me to get a grip on myself, to find a way to centre myself. Well, it started off as mum but then somehow merged into Defiance half way through.  
  
_You have time, Bree Donovan, and you will have time after. There is so much that you have yet to accomplish, and a whole world that's yours to explore. This is but one thing to overcome._  
  
Suddenly, I was humming. I'm not sure what tune, but it felt familiar. As if it was something I'd heard over and over again... and my brain shut off as it registered the tune. It was barely music, but it helped.  
  
And I led myself through some plies again. Stretching and rising and making myself concentrate through my storm of thoughts and emotions. _What if I can go home what if I can't go home what if I'm left behind what if Defiance takes over what if I starve in the fade what if we lose this battle what if I die before we get there what if Nightmare tells everyone what I am what if-_  
  
Chill. The fuck. Out.   
  
Stopping, I squared my shoulders and fetched the belt, buckling it around my torso again. The knives a comforting weight at the base of my back. Still humming that tune over and over again, I stepped out of the tent with my fear still there, but suddenly getting overshadowed by the defiance, and fire burning in my blood.  
  
***  
  
“PULL BACK! THEY’RE THROUGH!”  
  
“Alright Inquisitor, you have your way in. Best make use of it. We’ll keep the main host of demons occupied for as long as we can.”  
  
“We’ll be fine, just keep everyone safe.”  
  
“We’ll do our best, Inquisitor. Warden Loghain will guard your back-”  
  
_Cause he’s the kinda guy I trust as backup can I get a hell yeah?_  
  
“-And Hawke is with the soldiers on the battlements. They’re assisting them until you arrive.” Cullen stopped to take a breath, he reflexively reached for his sword as a shout proceeded someone falling from the battlements overhead and landing on the ground with a squelch.  
  
I shuddered as the shade peered over the edge, palming my daggers and tuning out the rest of the conversation. I felt kinda… hot all over, like I’d been beating fire through my veins all night. And my head kept ringing with this overlapping shrieking that hadn’t stopped since we began marching, only got louder.  
  
So we charged for the battlements, and I felt very aware of how much I didn’t want to die as we cut through warden after warden, demon after demon, I lost count of how many we killed. When we came upon a set of stairs, I was jolted out of the haze of that screaming. Solas had put a hand on my wrist, trying to speak to me. “Are you alright?”  
  
“Huh?” Shaking my head, the fog seemed to subsist, “I’m here.”  
  
He searched my face for a moment before nodding, and gesturing down the stairs, “Let us hurry.”  
  
As a group we charged through some of the mages that were there, but I’d been told to take up the rear, so when I felt a separate tug in my stomach at the same time as I heard, “Stay back! We will not be sacrificed for some insane ritual!” I instantly turned around to face the mage that had fade-stepped behind us.  
  
Moving so quickly I hadn’t even registered the thought before I reacted; I stepped on one of the barrels next to me, using it to launch myself at the mage who hadn’t even noticed the elf with the knives. Unfortunately for him, I had a bit of pent up aggression at hearing this terrifying screaming nose. After I brought him down I heard another shout, “Brothers, can’t you see this is madness?!”  
  
It came from very close to me, right under the rift in the sky that was about to spurt some more demons. He was standing there, sword and shield at the ready, shouting at the other wardens to keep fighting.  
  
Loghain was the one who replied, “It is no use, boy! Their minds aren’t their own.” After he cut through the last demon, Anya shut the rift to silence and sighs of relief from both sides. At some point, I’d leapt onto the platform and was then suddenly met with a sword levelled at my throat, “Stay back! Keep your distance, all of you!”  
  
Anya joined me up on the platform, her hair somehow not even out of place, but she looked far angrier than I’d ever seen her, “The Inquisition is here to stop Clarel, not to kill Wardens. If you fall back, you won’t be harmed.”  
  
The sword dropped, and I kinda just leant back and made a face as he said, “Alright. My people will stay back. We want no part in this. Deal with Clarel as you must.”  
  
Cutting and fighting our way through up to the battlements was the hardest thing I’d done yet. I felt like we were rushing, like it had been minutes since we’d even arrived here and look what we’d done. When we met up with Hawke and her party, it felt like we were half way done. Yet I realised then that we still had a long way to go before we could rest again.  
  
“Let’s hurry.” Anya instructed, offering Hawke a harried smile before moving on. I waved on the way past as I followed her, trying not to look threatening whilst covered in blood and demon guts

We’d finally covered enough ground, and made it to the courtyard not long after fighting the giant pride demon. We –Myself, Anya, the entire Inner Circle, Hawke and Loghain- all stopped as we watched Clarel swipe the dagger over that elven girls’ neck.  
  
_No!_ Defiance cried inside my head, not for the first time since we’d arrived. _Not like this!_  
  
_Shut up. You’re not helping._ Spirits screaming inside my head over the top of each other, over and over was starting to give me the biggest migraine…  
  
Anya stepped forward, tall and proud and looking ready to fuck shit up like the Inquisitor she was.  
  
“Stop them! We must complete the ritual!”  
  
“Clarel! If you complete the ritual, you’re doing exactly what Erimond wants!”  
  
“What, fighting the Blight? Keeping the world safe from Darkspawn? Who wouldn’t want that?” The aforementioned Tevinter madman replied, “And yes, the ritual requires blood sacrifice. Hate me for that if you must, but do not hate the wardens for doing their duty.”  
  
“We make the sacrifices no one else will. Our warriors die proudly for a world that will never thank them.”  
  
Loghain interrupted them, sounding very sick of the whole ordeal, “And then that imbecile takes your mages’ minds for his real master: Corypheus!”  
  
This actually shook Clarel, which was a nice change, “Corypheus? But he’s dead-”  
  
“These people will say anything to shake your confidence, Clarel.”  
  
I spent the rest of the conversation watching the Wardens that were closest to us. Even though I was fairly sure they wouldn’t attack unless strictly ordered, I didn’t want any of them to lunge at Anya when she wasn’t paying attention, she needed to live. As they stepped closer, seeming to ready themselves to attack, the fade-rift in the center of the courtyard snatched my attention, and the more I looked at it the louder that screaming and crying got in the back of my head… what is that?!  
  
_Make it stop!_  
  
“I’ve seen more than my fair share of Blood Magic! It is never worth the cost!” Hawke yelled, readying her staff and stepping up to stand next to Anya. Along with Loghain, who on her other side brandished a sword and shouted, “I betrayed the Wardens once, and it cost me everything. Are you mad enough to think I’d do it again?”  
  
_Make it stop!_  
  
“Be ready with with the ritual, Clarel. This demon is truly worthy of your strength.” He said, but she was hesitating. Looking for something, warring with herself on what to do.  
  
“Listen to me! I have no issue with the Wardens! I have spared those I could! I don’t want to kill you, but you’re being used. And some of you know it, don’t you?”  
  
_Please either leave the demon alone release it, or let it go it’s going to deafen me I can’t-_  
  
“The mages who’ve done the ritual? They’re not right. They were my friends, but now they’re like puppets on a string.” A warden stepped forward, towards Anya.  
  
“You cannot let them or fear sway your mind, warden!” Clarel yelled from up there, easy for her to say, we weren’t the ones using blood magic.  
__  
Make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop-  
  
“He’s not afraid. You are. You’re afraid that you ordered all these brave people to die for absolutely nothing.” Hawke spat on the ground.  
  
Not one to be shown up, Loghain felt the need to chime on it too, “One day you may be asked to give your lives to stop a Blight.” He addressed the Wardens surrounding us, “But not today.”  
  
And it seemed like the wardens… as one, turned towards Clarel. Who turned to the blood mage, speaking in hushed voices that I couldn’t hear over the screaming and screeching going on in my head.  
  
_Defiance?! What’s happening?_  
  
It’s the veil, it’s weak, all the demons are spirits being forced through forced to fight, rage and pride and sloth and vengeance and so much death make it stop make it stop-  
  
“Inquisitor! My master thought you might come here. He sent me this to welcome you!”  
  
I fought through the noise as silence seemed to fall on the clearing, and a roar pierced the sky above the battlefield. And that blighted dragon circled above, it was the first time I’d seen it in person and I was absolutely right then and there ready to just give up. It was too big! Dragons are cool and all, but that guy right there? That one? Just too damn big! It landed on a tower directly above the courtyard, and I didn’t see any Clarel anymore because I was too focused on not being blown to bits by that dragon.  
  
All I heard was, “Help the Inquisitor!” Before all hell broke loose.  
  
With a scream that matched the creatures in my head, I tore through a line of the demons that had spawned from the giant rift. It was a pounding headache that made me reckless enough to front the giant pride-demon in the center of the fray. “COME AT ME!” It replied to my shout with a shriek both in and out of my head, and summoned one of those electricity whips in its hands.  
  
Attempting to dodge, but I was way too distracted, and when I ducked the whip the force of it knocked me to the ground. Rolling onto my back, I shook myself out of it just in time to see the demons’ giant ass foot about to turn me into an elven pancake. I heard an “ _ELAINE! MA’LIN!_ ” As I felt my stomach churn and I flipped the daggers in my hand. I saw flames around the blades as I forced them through the foot about to crush me. I was numb to the responding scream, but I didn’t get crushed which was good news to me.  
  
As the demon reared back, I felt so unsettled that it took me a second to recover and sit up, but a hand gripped my arm and helped me stand up. Solas’ expression was frustrated and a little bit concerned as he casually shot a bolt of ice towards the now distracted Pride demon, “ _Ma’lin_ \- _what_ were you _thinking?_ ”  
  
“I- I … _we are not less than you, Pride. We will defy all laws of this land before you can stop us-_ what’s happening to me, _ma’fen?_ ”  
  
“It has happened again; it must be the presence of rifts. We need to get you away from here.” I replaced my knives with shaking hands, stopping to look at them with my mind still spinning. There was a hand on my wrist, and I let him lead me away from the fighting and the rift.  
  
“Viv… I need Vivienne… _we are not weak and do not need protection from the world you tore down and left in ruins_ -”  
  
“I will assume that this is Defiance I am speaking to?” He’d pulled me away, behind a pillar, the others were still fighting through to follow Clarel and Erimond to where they’d run off to. Most likely to their predictable fallen fate.

I clamped a hand over my mouth so neither of us could respond, but I met his eyes. I saw the conflict there, he wanted to be fighting, he also wanted to stop what was happening to me. His expression tightened as some shouts from Hawke and Loghain sounded from the fray behind us, they were following close behind Anya as she moved to follow Clarel.

I tried to tell him to go, just forget about me, he was needed somewhere far more than I was right then, but I thought that if I opened my mouth again Defiance would speak again. And this time it would be unforgiveable.

Solas seemed to search my eyes for a moment, and then I saw his own lighten with an idea. Immediately he moved, drawing a thin string from around his neck and looping it over mine, from the string hung a tooth that I knew the shape of intimately, having seen it almost on a daily basis. It was the wolf-tooth charm that he wore everywhere, and as it settled around my neck there was... a kind of calm feeling that accompanied it. And I could no longer hear the screaming, but a slight whimpering in the back of my head.

Defiance simmered down too, and I lowered my hand from my mouth to my waist, drawing another dagger, “ _Ma serranas_.”

“ _Let us hurry, ma’lin_.” He pulled away, and immediately together we rushed up the stairs directly behind Blackwall, who was accepting a health potion from Dorian.

I think the rest of them were still fighting to keep the courtyard, trying to keep the win in our hands while the Inquisitor settled it all. Even though there was still that huge dragon flying around burning everything.

Dorian, Blackwall, Solas, and myself were the back of the party. We got there much too late to hear or see anything important. But that was the issue really, the moment we got to that damn ledge I knew that was the issue, because I was suddenly facing down the dragon and feeling quite alone in the endeavour.

Anya was on its other side, and she was in a bad way, leaning heavily on her staff as she struggled to stand, and Erimond’s body was to the side, with Clarel having collapsed in front of us.

“Get to Anya!” I yelled, patting my belt down for another knife, “I’ll distract it!” The others just listened, so used to battles and fighting that they defered to the one with the plan, which was apparently _me_.

I didn’t like it.

It wasn’t facing me, so I needed its attention. The only way that popped into my head was probably the most fucking suicidal thing I’d ever done in my life, and that’s saying something considering how I thought I’d get back home in the begining.

Palming the daggers, and praying to every single god, I began my climb. I started at its tail, jumping for a foot-hold, then scrambling up to stab my knives in there as a hand-hold. Its armour was tough to get around, and it took me a few tries for each one, and each try was time it took for the bloody thing to pay attention to me.

“LOOK AT ME YOU FUCKING MOUSE! YOUR BREATH STINKS LIKE BURNT GRYFFON SHIT!” Yelling now, having climbed fully onto its back, it seemed to slow its stalking of Clarel and Anya, and I couldn’t see if the others had gotten around but I hoped they did. I stood, utilizing some dancers balance on its spine, taking a deep breath before starting to climb up towards its neck.

And I heard a woman talking, her voice pained, and recognised it for what it was. “In war, victory.”

The think jerked around as I reached the point in between the wings, moving ever closer to the edge.

“In peace, vigilence.”

I knew it was coming, but I had no way to keep balance as it moved to buck me off. Hitting ‘fuck it’ I darted forward in a hail mary towards the head.

“IN DEATH, SACRIFICE!”

“AHHH!” Screaming, I jammed the daggers into its head as Clarel gave her last fireball everything she had left. It sent the dragon tumbling forward, and I held onto the hilts still protruding from its head for dear life as it thrashed, destroying the already unstable, ruin of a bridge.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the others struggling to heft each other up, out of the danger zone away from the edge, and wave of heat seared through me as from the tooth pendant as Solas stumbled to stay upright.

“I’ll get you next time you fucking harpy.” I hissed at the dragon before letting go, landing and rolling to the side on the quickly distablising ground. Darting over to Solas, “ _Ma’fen_. Get to safety.” I muttered as we all started loosing our footing, and the stone beneath us came apart under the weight of out troubles.

I could feel his confusion, but I ignored it as my stomach twisted, and with as much force as I could muster I pushed him back towards stable ground as I suddenly realised I was now falling.

I’d never been skydiving, but I imagine that was what it was like, only more exhilarating because I had no parachute and literally knew I was going to die.

 

Letting out a scream, I saw a flash of green light and my stomach jerked painfully before my ears started ringing, and i knew we’d crossed over into the next and most diffuclt part of our mission yet. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I got here in the end. It feels like it’s been forever since the last update but its probs is just 3 weeks.
> 
> this is a rather long action packed chapter i felt like i owed yall something. let me know what you think, or what you reckon will hapen in the fade?? i wanna hear from you!
> 
> -peace. empresstod


	40. And it was the Fade! (Part 1)

“The chantry owes me an apology,” Hawke commented snidely, attentively feeling her way down to solid ground, “This looks nothing like the Maker’s bosom.”

Anya was looking to the sky (is it even called the sky?), rubbing her eyes, “We are not dead, are we?”

Loghain somehow managed to maintain his authority, standing with his arms crossed and a glum expression on his face, but hilariously standing sideways on a rock as he spoke, “No, you opened a rift, we fell through. Evidently we are in the Fade.

Hawke stopped trying to jump for the ground we were standing on, and glanced around, “The Fade looked much different last time I visited.”

Dorian was helping me up, offering me a grin as he did so before turning to the others. He seemed to be fine, except his hands were shaking as he attempted a joke, “The first time I entered the Fade, it looked like a lovely castle filled with gold and silks. I met a marvellous desire demon, as I recall. We chatted and ate grapes before he attempted to possess me… perhaps the difference is we are here physically.”

Nodding my agreement, I stepped forward, feeling suddenly full of energy, “We are not dreaming, no one is influencing anything. 

Hawke glanced down at Anya, who was still taking it all in, “The stories say you walked out of the Fade at Haven, was it like this?” 

I went over to Blackwall, who was looking fairly dazed with a gushing wound on his head from the fall. Taking my time to take deep breaths, tuning out the rest of the conversation as I administered a healing potion and hoped the man didn’t have concussion as he stood shakily up. I felt… weird. Too full of energy, like my heart was suddenly freed and I was full of joy at the prospect. The tooth pendant felt hot against my armor as well, as if it was working too hard.

 _Defiance?_ Wondering where my house spirit was, I reached out to search for it, and got the oddest response I never thought I’d receive. A whisper, on my own breath, that replied to my question, “ _Here_.”

What? What the fuck? Who was steering the boat now?! Me or Defiance?! But I could move my fingers, I could speak … I think. I thought. Suddenly I wasn’t sure who was in control anymore, and the more I tried to think about it the more confused and scared I got.

“ _Do not be scared, we have this in hand_.” The spirit whispered to me through my own mouth, and the next time I replied it wasn’t how I wanted.

_We?! You are controlling my body! Give it back!_

Defiance made sure we trailed a little bit behind the rest after accepting a pair of rusted daggers from Hawke, hopefully so the others wouldn’t hear us yelling at each other and think we were crazy. Or worse, possessed. God forbid a spirit possesses me! “ _I do not know how_.”

Horror rushed through me at the thought of having to watch myself do things, with no control over the outcome, and I realised that I had no faith in the spirit I housed. I didn’t trust Defiance to act as I would. So badly I’d wanted to understand what had happened to me, no I feared that now I knew I wouldn’t ever be fully myself ever again. I’d be lost to the spirit that saved my life.

Had it happened already? Was I different? How would I even notice?

“ _I do not know how to use these_.” I felt my hands grip the knives harder, but didn’t realise I'd moved my fingers, “ _You will control our actions. I will control us_.”

That didn’t make any fucking sense!

“ _Trust me_.”

Leaving out the fact that I didn’t trust Defiance any further than I could throw it (Which was a distance of zero considering I can’t throw myself that’s not how javelins work), I felt my breaths rush through my lungs in short bursts, and forced myself to concentrate on something other than the fact that it felt like I was backseat driving this car.

The group poured into a clearing with some shades in it, but it was easy work for a group of our size. Even for me, who felt like I had my hands on Defiance’s hands to guide them through how to fight. Afterwards, I stepped around some rocks, feeling cold clawing water on my boots as Defiance drew closer to an… Eluvian? What were they doing? Don’t touch it. 

Defiance reached my hand out to touch the surface of it, and my stomach tugged dangerously for a second before I breathed deeply as if inhaling something. When I exhaled I saw a garbled image in the surface of the mirror, and heard voices as if they were speaking underwater. Who were they? I couldn’t… make them out clearly.

“ _It is another home. Parallel. Layers of the universe_.” The only reason I could understand Defiance speaking was because they spoke with their words on a breath, barely there, so no one would hear. And yet this still scared me, and I wanted to stay and make out what the words were but Defiance turned away as Dorian called me over. This way was a dead-end apparently, we needed to find another way. Discussing the multiverse always gave me the biggest headache, “ _Multiple universes. Yes_ ,” But that’s what I took from the spirits words as we rounded the corner and ventured up some stairs.

 And the gang plus Defiance was met with a clear depiction of the Divine.

 Wasn’t really that awe-inspiring now was it? Especially considering that about ten percent of the group was currently housing a spirit too. It wasn’t that impressive to me anymore. And yet, Loghain stepped forward with an exclamation, “Impossible.”

It smiled that winkled smile, in the way that most older ladies do, that both was comforting and creepy, “I greet you, Warden. And you, Champion.”

 Anya glanced at them both, then appeared to hedge her bets. “Divine Justina,” At its silence, she soldiered on, “Alright, benefit of the doubt. What are you, demon or spirit? The real Divine could not have survived Haven.”

The big-hatted spirit didn’t move, “Couldn’t she? How much of Haven do you truly remember? You think my survival impossible, yet you stand alive in the Fade yourselves.” She smiled again, hands clasping together in front of her robes, “In truth, proving my existence either way would require time we do not have.”

“Then just tell us and we’ll be on our way,” Hawke suggested with a forced cheerfulness, standing to the side as if readying to throw a dagger.

"I am here to help you.” It stated simply, looking between each and every one of us as she spoke. When her eyes passed over me it seemed like she stared into my shared soul, and I felt Defiance rear back at the prospect. “You do not remember what happened at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, Inquisitor.”

 “No, I do not.” 

“The memories you have lost were taken by the demon that serves Corypheus. It is the nightmare you forget upon waking. It feeds off memories of fear and darkness, growing fat upon the terror.” She turned, glancing up the hill towards the larger rift looming above them, “The false Calling that terrified the Wardens into making such grave mistakes? Its work.”

 “Then perhaps I owe this Nightmare a visit.” Loghain replied darkly, and I couldn’t help wholeheartedly agreeing with him if it would help me get back to sanity.  

“You will have your chance, brave Warden. This place of darkness is its lair.” 

Anya was stroking her chin, looking towards the rift above them, “Returning is the priority,” Seemingly decided, she straightened up and looked back towards the Divine, “Can you help us return?”

It smiled, “That is why I found you. When you entered the Fade at Haven, the demon took a part of you. Before you do anything else, you must recover it.” Looking over towards the pools, some shades sparked to life, “These are your memories, Inquisitor. Retrieve them, and you will have your answers.”

Sure, no problem for the Ghost Squad. There was enough of us that we were able to double-team each shade, and they were all down in no time. As Dorian froze it solid, and I slashed then shattered the thing to smithereens, I felt myself take a step away from him that I hadn’t tried to take. At his curious glance, I felt my head shake as I was moved to stand near the barrier with Loghain as Anya held her marked hand out to one of the memories. 

As they were all pieced together, we watched the memory unfold out in front of us like bad television. I knew what had happened, and Defiance didn’t really care one way or the other, focused on the vision of the Divine as she appeared in front of us. The two of them, Defiance and the Divine, seemed to have an odd kind of… understanding, as they stared each other down with me acting as a very hesitant third wheel.

The memory ended, and Anya wiped a hand across her face with relief as the Divine spoke. It seemed like Anya was getting close to her wits end, trying to maintain some control over a very out of control situation, and I felt for her as she turned her back on where the Divine had been standing and Loghain and Hawke petulantly glared at each other.

Loghain was challenging as he spoke, “Is there a problem, Hawke?”

“Are you trying to _ignore_ the Grey Wardens holding the Divine in that vision?” She quipped, but her eyes were serious, “Their actions led to her death.”

“Corypheus had clearly taken the Warden’s minds. You yourself have seen him do this.” He looked away, as if arguing it with her was beneath him, “In any case, we’ll deal with this after we escape.”

Hawke started to walk away already, flipping her dark braids over her shoulder, “Oh I intend to.”

“ _Creators give me some damn strength_.” Anya was rubbing between her eyes as she followed the pair of them down the walkway.

Blackwall and Dorian talked but Defiance ensured that we trailed behind the group of them. We made some progress, but I knew to expect what was coming from the area around us.

 **“** SOME FOOLISH GIRL COMES TO STEAL THE FEAR I KINDLY LIFTED FROM HER SHOULDERS. YOU SHOULD HAVE THANKED ME AND LEFT IT WHERE IT LAY, FORGOTTEN. YOU THINK THAT PAIN WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER? WHAT FOOL FILLED YOUR MIND WITH SUCH DRIVEL? THE ONLY ONE WHO GROWS STRONGER FROM YOUR FEAR IS _ME_.” The voice was echoing and smug, just hearing it sent a shiver of fear down my spine, “BUT YOU ARE A GUEST HERE IN MY HOME, SO BY ALL MEANS, LET ME RETURN WHAT YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN.” I hadn’t heard its voice yet, not in real life, but it spoke with something akin to Corypheus' voice. I could feel it, there was something otherworldly about hearing it when standing in the domain of the nightmare demon.

 I won’t sleep for weeks.

“ _We can’t afford not to_.” Defiance kept speaking in whispers, but this time we were standing very close behind Dorian, who turned and raised an eyebrow at us. Defiance offered him a shrug, and I told them to smile because that’s what I would have offered instead.

Venturing up and down some stairs, the group came across another of those shattered mirrors, and Defiance led us over to it again. This time I was with Anya, who watched and listened as we reached out to touch the surface, “What is that sound?”

The bubbling of voices carried louder again, only this time it was far different, I couldn’t understand what language was on the other side but it was louder. Definitely louder, and the voices were overlapping but far louder than the other one. When we touched it, it felt different to the other one. Instead of a reinvigorating air, my fingers twitched and my muscles seem to jerk before settling. What was that?

“I am not sure,” Defiance answered Anya, and she shot us an odd look before turning and dashing back to the front. The spirit seemed to hesitate in front of the mirror, and if I could I would’ve crossed my arms, it was broken. How the hell did it work?

“ _In your games, they call them Fonts. They unlock dormant skill.”_

Why are we hearing voices?

_“An Eluvian is doorway to other planes.”_

It’s fucking broken.

_“Does not matter to me.”_

_This place is fuuuuuc-_

“Elaine? We’re going.” Blackwall called from up ahead, and Defiance nodded before turning away from the mirror and continuing down the path. While the spirit led us forward, it kinda did give me some time to think about some what it’d said. An Eluvian is a doorway to another plane? To the best of my knowledge, planes were like… layers of other worlds on top of our own. Like the multiverse, or slightly different? That must’ve been how I got here. How at least how Defiance got through to pull me across. Theoretically, that must mean that through the right Eluvian, I could… get home. I could get across and go home.

As Anya side-stepped a burning corpse, not even casting it a second-glance, Hawke sniffed the air slightly and sighed, “Traps have gotten so obvious these days…”

I would’ve laughed, but Defiance only continued walking with the rest of them as we ventured up the stairs. Then again his voice boomed across us, and the hair on the back of my neck stood up, “PERHAPS _I_ SHOULD BE AFRAID, FACING THE MOST POWERFUL MEMBERS OF THE INQUISITION,” His laugh gripped my heart and squeezed tightly, and Defiance glanced down at our hands in shock to find that they were shaking with suppressed anxiety.

“LIKE BLACKWALL. AH, THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A GREY WARDEN. AND YOU ARE _NOTHING_ LIKE A GREY WARDEN.” Geez, what a low blow am I right?

 “I’ll show you a Warden’s strength, beast.” To his credit, Blackwall’s reaction was to grip his sword tighter and glare at the path ahead. Which was a clearing, a dead end, corpses burning with green flame littered around the place, and an Eluvian shattered in the center. At this, Defiance pushed to the front of the group to stand next to Loghain and Hawke.

Internally I was trying to shake my head, I knew nobody should touch it, it wasn’t a font it was definitely a trap. There was only a faint whisper from this mirror, we should leave it alone-

Anya reached out to it this time, and the corpses came to life with a burst of chilling energy, and we all took up arms once more. Defiance was getting the hang of fighting with daggers now, taking less risky moves and backstabbing instead of staying in the fray like they were originally attempting. And when the last demon was dealt with, the mirror had returned to normal and the sounds I could hear behind it was… a loud thrumming music, heavy and pulsing, it was quiet but I could hear a beat and a rhythm. Like… club music?

“GREETINGS, DORIAN… IT IS DORIAN, ISN’T IT? FOR A MOMENT, I MISTOOK YOU FOR YOUR FATHER.” As someone who understood a modicum of what Dorian had gone through, a violent anger wrenched through me this time instead of the typical fear.

Dorian maintained his cool exterior, and shot an offended look to the sky, “Rather uncalled for.”

While I was listening to what was going on around us, Defiance had tunnel vision for another goddamn mirror, and reached out to it again. Pressing our hand against the surface caused a spasm to run up my arm and settle in my shoulders, then a warmth bloomed behind my eyes as we pulled away from the mirror. It died down a little as we walked away, but something did cut through my concentration and seized my attention.

“AND _ELAINE_ , YOU AND YOURS ARE TINY AND FILLED WITH FALSE SPIRIT. YOU WILL SUFFER MORE LOSS IN TIMES TO COME, I NEED ONLY WATCH.” 

My hatred and panic broke through and showed on our face, scowling towards the sky. Where I’d probably have told him to fuck off out loud Defiance burned with vivid energy and threw up one middle finger as we charged down the stairs to fight the demons that had swarmed the clearing below.

Once we cut through them, there was some back tracking that went on, but Anya eventually steered us the right way. Well, she was using the rift as a navigation so it really was by chance anyway.

“DID YOU THINK YOU MATTERED, HAWKE? DID YOU THINK ANYTHING YOU EVER DID MATTERED? YOU COULDN’T EVEN SAVE YOUR CITY. HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO STRIKE DOWN A GOD?” It was like we could feel his voice behind us as he spoke, and I really felt for Hawke when he continued, “ISABELA AND MERRIL ARE GOING TO DIE. JUST LIKE YOUR FAMILY, AND EVERYONE YOU EVER CARED ABOUT.”

“Well that’s going to get tiresome quickly.” She flipped her hair again, and I didn’t notice because I was Defiance was looking at some statues, but her eyes widened and she readied her daggers, “Holy shit!”

Anya let out a small scream, backing away and letting out a volley of fireballs at the weird creatures scuttling along the floor. They looked like… _oh no- oh no oh no shit shit holy shit_ \- thankfully Defiance didn’t seem to feel my fear, because they drew my daggers and stepped forward resolutely. As the things scurried closer, green viscous fluid dripping from a poised stinger, disgust shuddered through me at the scorpions attacking us. I’d always fucking hated scorpions, I could deal with spiders, but bugs with big ass stingers? No thank you. 

Once they were dealt with, we all looked a bit more shaken than we had been previously. Dorian slammed his staff down into the last one with a flourish, looking up at us and trying to be reassuring, “Smaller fears I would wager. Scavenging whatever the nightmare leaves behind.”

“Spiders though? _Really?_ Eugh.” Hawke shuddered too, sheathing her daggers and wringing her hands together.

Blackwall was already shaking his head, “Spiders? That is not what I saw.”

“Ah, of course,” Dorian winced, “The demons look different to each of us, personalized little terrors.”

Again I would have provided a snide comment, but Defiance kept a lid on it. Perhaps the spirit knew they would be able to tell who was in charge. I did have a specific kind of brand. Besides, I was still pretty shaken at the scorpions. We took a deep breath, and continued faster now incase more came.

It seemed like a forever since we last encountered the Divine formed spirit, but she was kinda float-standing just around the corner as we entered another large clearing with some spirits standing around. She said something, but I wasn’t really listening to it as Defiance charged next to Hawke to clear out the shades and recover the memories. 

We waited to the side as she ran to and fro using her mark to unlock each memory, and Dorian nudged us with an elbow, “Spitfire, you okay?”

“I am fine.” Defiance replied, glancing down instead of at him. I knew he’d be weirded out by it, maybe even question it, but I just needed everything to hold out until we got back and I could be back in control.

We were saved further questions as the memory was recovered, and we watched the Divine help Anya escape, then sacrifice herself to let her go through the rift. After, Anya hesitated before charging over to the Divine’s spirit, “It was you.”

It was downcast, and looked so small as it stared back. But Anya was steadfast, “They thought it was Andraste sending me from the Fade, but it was the Divine behind me. And then you… _she_ died.”

 _Busted_ , internally I sniggered but it really wasn’t a laughing matter. Defiance did nothing but stare at the wall behind the Divine, trying not to compare the two situations I imagine. 

It looked down, “Yes.”

Loghain ran a hand over his face, “We’ve been following a demon, then.”

And Hawke agreed, “For all we know its working with Corypheus.”

It stepped (floated?) closer, “If you believe that, strike me down.” For a second there, it really did seem like Hawke was going to kill the thing and move on. Defiance was impressed enough to glance over at her, and we noted that her hand was moving to draw a throwing knife before hesitating and relaxing her shoulders.

The spirit of the Divine seemed to finally have given up the pretence. The form faded away, giving into a bright yellow light that shone over the clearing as they floated upwards. It was… kind of beautiful. Anya seemed too focused on the mission though, and seemed kinda desperate as she spoke, “The only thing that is important right now is getting out of the Fade. Whatever you are, you’ve helped us so far.”

But Hawke had other priorities, “What we do know is that the mortal Divine perished at the temple thanks to the Grey Wardens.” 

Loghain turned to her, “Corypheus controlled them, we’ve discussed this already. And if this spirit has no further revelations we should work on getting back to Adamant alive.” 

“Yes, Adamant. Where the Inquisition faces an army of demons raised by the Wardens.” She said with utter disbelief.

“I see, so atrocities are your purview alone? You tore Kirkwall apart and started the Mage Rebellion!”

Hawke, never one to back down from a challenge, stepped up to Loghain (a man almost two times her height) and got in his face, “To protect innocent mages like my sister! Not madmen drunk on blood magic! Even without Coryphy-dipshits influence, the Wardens go too far, they should be checked.”

Anya looked like she’d completely lost all hope as Blackwall stepped into the fray, “What are you saying? You want to get rid of the Wardens? Everyone makes mistakes. They would’ve died to save us!”

Dorian mulled it over too, “They might still be useful. What if Corypheus conjures another Blight? You never know.”  

Defiance knew that we should have some input, and stepped back to give me the reigns so-to-speak, “While I wish we would stop talking politics right now, there are wardens that can be trusted.” With what little control I had left I made a face at Loghain, “Not you.”

“Excuse me, elf?”

“You’re excused, Mr. ‘I left thousands of people to die at the hands of a Darkspawn horde because I was starving for power’. Stay in your lane.” I felt a sense of victory at it, and Defiance let me keep a little bit of the reigns, as if acknowledging that speaking would help us get through this. Even if they didn’t give me mobility controls I could cope with what I had for the time being.

Anya clapped her hands, “This debate can wait until we return to safety.”

“Inquisitor!” Another screeching horde of those stupid scorpions appeared and swarmed us, and it was barely a few seconds before they were upon us again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So those fonts that Defiance got for her are +1 Magic, +1 Dexterity, +1 CunningI played through this part of the game as I wrote it so these are accurate to that. Next thing, I read a DA:O fanfic that had the fonts unlock ancient abilities of the people, and that might come to pass with Elaine in different ways. It’ll be cool guys I’m excited. 
> 
> Also I split this chapter into two because as a whole it's so darn long??? literally the fade goes on for so long I cannot stress it enough. 
> 
> Comment please!


	41. Oh My God It's the Fade (Part 2)

We kind of decided to continue following the spirit inhabiting the Divine, and by we I mean that nobody outright objected to it, so Anya led the away through to what seemed like the right direction.

“TEYRN LOGHAIN MAC TIR, THE BRILLIANT COMMANDER. PITY THE ONE TIME YOU TRIED TO RULE, YOU FAILED SO MISERABLY. YOU HAD TO BE BEATEN, HUMILIATED, LEST YOU DESTROY YOUR OWN COUNTRY. YOU EVEN DOOMED THE WARDENS BY BRINGING THE INQUISITOR DOWN ON THEM. YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH.”

Loghain grunted, shaking his head, “Is that all you’ve got? It’s nothing I’ve not said to myself.”

We waded through ankle-deep pools of water, and the path seemed to snake between platforms of floating rock and looming statues. I didn’t like the sight of another Eluvian on one of them, but Defiance headed straight towards it. There was no hesitation as we reached out and touched our fingers along the edge, and the glowing light went into us once again and settled in my stomach. There was no bubbling of dimmed voices behind the mirror this time, only the sound of wind and owls hooting, and cicadas in the distance over rushing water. Where did this one lead to?

“ _The world beyond will not be yours_.” Yeah, I understood the chances of finding the right mirror along this path were astronomical, but a girl could dream. Plus, all of these were other worlds, and I’d never dreamed of something like this being possible. The size of it all it was just so… terrifying.

“DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FIGHT ME? I AM YOUR EVERY FEAR COME TO LIFE! I AM THE VEILED HAND OF CORPHEUS HIMSELF! THE DEMON ARMY YOU FEAR? I COMMAND IT. THEY ARE BOUND ALL THROUGH ME!”

“Ah, so if we banish you, we banish the demons? Than you, every fear come to life.” The Divine’s snappy Orlesian accent gave me a lot of comfort just then. It was something familiar to cling to as we encountered more of those stupid scorpions jumping out at is before another barrier fell down.

When we got to the cross-roads, Anya turned to me and Hawke, “Could you scout ahead? Figure out which path is the safest?”

Hawke clapped me on the shoulder with a grin, “Sure thing, we got this.” We nodded, moving to the right as Hawke went to the left. The larger clearing down the stairs I felt like it was the far safer option despite its size. We cleared out the shades, and as we got closer to the end I could see the Divine there so we turned back to return, but Defiance spied another mirror in the corner and wandered over.

These weren’t supposed to be for us.

“ _They are not for them either. It is dangerous for those who are not like us.”_ And they reached out to it, my stomach tightened as the light went through us again.

That was just great, and when I found that I was biting my lip at the thought of others, as we walked back towards the group. “If Lillie was here, would she benefit from these?”

“ _Yes. Hers is of a changing nature, to unlock suppressed power would be to stabilize her spirit.”_

It was at that point that I became sure that Defiance was just making it all up as we went along because that sentence didn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Hawke was running back towards the group when I walked up, she was breathing heavy and clutching her sides as she leaned her hands on her knees to catch her breath, “Pride… demons. Two... of them. Very big.”

“Elaine?”

Defiance let me speak again, “It’s clear. It was mostly terrors, but a despair demon or two I the back I didn’t want to go near.”

“Of the two, I will take despair over pride.” Whoa, that’s deep. Anya pointed down the stairs as she spoke, “Let’s go.” She led the way down, and insisted we spread out into a line to investigate lest there be traps. Which turned out to be a good idea as we got closer to what I remembered to be that fear graveyard, and the despair demons I’d left there had organised into a small semblance of an ambush. But once again we were too large of number for them to handle, and the wide space was suddenly empty.

“What is this?” Blackwall grumbled, he was standing in front a tomb stone to the left of the small opening in the fence, and I couldn’t help myself either, vaulting the fence and reading over each tomb-stone until I found… oh. It was mine, but it didn’t say Elaine, it said ‘ _Bree’_ and underneath it was the word ‘ _Loss’_. But then on the same stone, directly underneath it was the word ‘ _Defiance_ ’ and directly underneath it was ‘ _Submission_.’

“Uhm…” Something twisted our heart at the sight of it, and Defiance hadn’t taken back speaking privileges yet, “What the hell?” We wrenched back at the sight of the words on the stone, trying to get as far away from it as we could. I realised our hands were shaking, and as Anya glanced around the graveyard she glanced at the stone and then back at me with an appraising and questioning stare. Defiance just shook our head quickly, knowing our panic and fear was displayed on our face, and she nodded to herself as if making a mental note to ask later.

On our way out, I caught sight of a rough elven engraving on the far left tombstone behind mine. The name Solas, and his fear of dying alone.

Defiance rubbed our hands over our shoulders as if feeling the chill spread across the Fade as we walked up the next set of steps towards the Divine. It was weird though, the closer we got to the big rift that we originally came through, the more control I seemed to have over our actions and words. It wasn’t like we were fighting for control or anything anymore, more like we were finally working together, as if we’d been through something that created a sort of cooperation. _I don’t expose you you don’t expose me_.

“Look!”

“GAH! Fucking SCORPIONS! Need some bug-spray in this bitch!” Jumping about ten feet in the air from the scare of finding a bunch of scorpions in the clearing, we charged forward into another fray as wave upon wave of demons charged at us. We stayed close to Dorian, protecting his back while Hawke stayed with Anya and the warriors got into the mess. The gang was a well-oiled machine by now. The demons stopped, and the glowing spirit led the way through the passage.

She kept giving Anya orders as she floated on her way through the cave, and I knew we were getting very close to where we needed to be.

“The rift! Almost there!” Hawke shouted with relief, walking slightly faster with no regard as to who got splashed with dream-water.

Dorian has stuck close to me, and let me take all the splashes as he said, “Best hope nothing tries to stop us.”

“Don’t jinx it.” We replied, well it was mostly me talking now, and we were moving together the closer I got to it… wait. What was that? What was that music?! Immediately at the sound of it I stopped walking, looking around wildly for the source of the overly familiar sounds of a cello behind tuned. I knew that sound, I knew those strings! Where were they?

Defiance raised a pointed finger to a small crevice in the cave wall, in between which a soft glowing light could be seen, “ _It_ _is_ _there_.”

I had no idea at that point who was in control, but we moved towards the light and the sound as if being pulled there by an invisible rope. As if my entire story so far had led up to this point. Ignoring Anya and the others calling for me, I forced my body through the small crevice in the cave wall, transfixed by the warmth and light glowing out from… another Eluvian? It was nestled _into_ the rock, in a cleared-out section that was barely the size of a confession-booth.

“There are many doors that open for one such as yourself.” Suddenly the voice of that spirit, the Divine’s spirit, was in this small clearing, and a wisp of her outline appeared in front of the glowing mirror. “This one will let you through… with a price.” She glided to the side, and the music was much louder, I could _see_ home through it I could see it all. My family, home. No more fear. It would end, all I’d have to do was step through it…

“A… price?” The was the both of us, Defiance and myself, both hesitating at the thought.

“Crossing requires an iron will. A spirit of true Defiance in guidance can make the journey but once and no more.”

“So… it’s impossible. We’ll never get through.” My shoulders slumped, and I could hear the others gathering around the crevice, but none of them seemed to be able to squeeze through like I did.

“You will be divided in two, molded to what you were. Now you are more, two halves, should you crossed you will be one.”

“I understand.” The music was still so loud, cello and string music resonating in my ears like it had done since I was a kid. But there were some doors now, some doors that had been closed for a long while. That I could never go back through, not now I had been gone so long. The music was _so_ _real_ , but it didn’t exist for me anymore. They had moved on, and I needed to as well.

Tears and sobs came to bear as I drew a dagger, and with a cry drove it through the surface of the mirror. There were pieces scattered at my feet, and I shoved one into an open pocket of my belt before wiping furiously at my eyes. Feeling a sense of loss so deep it drove Defiance into silence as we threw ourselves back between the rocks, and the others helped me through. The others surrounded me in silence, trying to understand, wondering what to ask first. But I just squared my shoulders, and took a deep breath, “I’m with you.”

“Good,” Anya stepped back, pointing towards the end where I could feel the rift was, “Because _that_ is standing between us and freedom.” And it was that point that I died from fear, just keeled over and died because there was this huge fucking monster looming over the battlefield over what I assumed was the Nightmare itself.  

The Divine’s spirit had moved to stand with us as we charged down the stairs, some more reluctant to reach our goal than others, and it seemed to glow brighter as it flowed ahead of us. Its voice changed as it floated up, towards the head of the monster, “If you would, please tell Leliana. ‘I am sorry. I failed you, too.’” And her glowing yellow light suddenly was getting extremely hard to look at, lightning seemed to crackle as she got closer, and as I shielded my eyes to avoid being blinded I heard the monsters ungodly screech.

We readied ourselves the second the light faded, and the Divine had disappeared along with the monster. Nightmare turned to us, and we drew our daggers and prepared for what was next. I knew it wouldn’t be pretty.

“YOU WILL DIE IN AGONY.” It screamed, rearing back.

Scared now, I glanced at Anya with wide eyes waiting for some sort of plan. She drew her staff with an intense look, drew what looked to be a swords hilt from her side. She didn’t look at us, only shouted, “MAGES AND WARRIORS ON THE NIGHTMARE, ROGUES ON THE FEARS.”

“Great, just fantastic.” I said as Hawke turned and offered me some finger-guns, before turning and launching herself as what looked to be a knife-tornado into a swarm of the little scorpions.

“I GROW FAT ON YOUR FEAR.” Nightmares voice seemed to just echo over the field, as did the scurrying of scorpion feet as I whirled and slashed at the little buggers. I’ll tell you what it was a good source of stress-relief, getting to just squash some over-sized bugs.

“YOU ARE NOTHING.” I lost sight of Anya and the others, who were fighting the Nightmare, but I silently was barracking for them as Hawke and I kept the attention of the smaller fears on us while they fought the main bad guy.

Dorian finished beating a rogue scorpion to death with his staff, breathing heavily, “They feed on fear!”

“YOU CANNOT STAND AGAINST ME.” With a roar, the nightmare disappeared, and suddenly there was a clear path visible from the bottom of the hill all the way up to the rift. Boy were we happy to see that I’ll tell you that much.

Knowing what argument was about to happen, both Defiance and I were in agreement as we lingered, fighting some of the left-over fears as Dorian and Blackwall took off. I felt Anya’s hand wrap around my arm, “Come on, Elaine! We will make it!”

I ran full tilt with them up towards the rift, but I could hear the second the giant monster demon thingie was back in the game. It’s legs were huge, but fast enough to make us put on the breaks on our way to freedom

Loghain still had his sword drawn, ready to fight, “We need to clear a path!”

Hawke was next to me, and she was finally serious as she turned to me, Anya, and Loghain, “Go. I’ll cover you.”

Loghain straightened up, “No, the Wardens-“

“Oh for fucks sake-”I stepped back, relying on that feeling that happened before on the bridge, my gut twisted only slightly this time as I gave them a magical push, “Stop it before it costs you your lives. Get fucking over yourselves, both of you!” They glanced between each other, then at the same time Loghain and Hawke turned and ran towards the rift.

As Anya glanced over her shoulder, she was already on her way, I yelled, “Once you get through wait exactly two seconds before closing it! I’ll make it!”

“ _No we will not_.”

“Have some faith in our abilities, Defiance.”

“UNDERSTOOD!” She screamed, and turned to fully make her way to safety behind the two big damn heroes. I went for it immediately, feeling a blue light flow through me, as electricity danced over my skin. My stomach was doing rolls and kick-flips as it happened, my knives suddenly charged with magic cutting through demon flesh like butter, and moving at twice the speed I normally would.

With a jump I hadn’t known myself capable of, I leaped up towards its stomach, burying the knives with a burst of electric energy that surged through its body and left it convulsing as I dropped to the ground and rolled, coming up running towards the rift that everyone had disappeared through only seconds ago.

“C’mon Defiance we can do this-” I urged myself to go faster, and through sheer force of will we managed it. My stomach twisted once last time, and blue light once again streaked behind me as I stepped through the space and launched myself at a rift that was shrinking before my eyes.

*******

And when it was over, I knelt in the rubble of that rift, feeling suddenly like I’d become whole again. I found I could lift my hand with no other feelings, and relished in the relief so much that tears welled in my eyes. Wiped them away, laughing softly at how stupid I was being.

Someone was touching my shoulder, gently, testing, trying to get my attention. “ _Ma v_ … Elaine.”

I took a deep breath before throwing a look towards them, smiling at Solas as he knelt down next to me. “Did I hear that right? What were you gonna say?”

His eyes went all crinkled at the sides, “Is this the time?”

“ _I_ think it is.” Using each other as support, we both stood up. I noticed he was leaning heavily on a staff, and propped up his other side, offering him a grin, “We can talk about it later. After food and a sleep.”

He let out an amused breath, as if he couldn’t believe it, “The things you say…”

“You love me anyway.” He was silent as we made our way over to a wall so he could lean against that, but I could tell he wanted to reply. That was our way really, both of us had to have the last word.

Suddenly his free hand was pulling me to him, and we were kissing once again with relief and tension leaving the both of us. There was so much in that kiss, so many things that we had to say to each other. We were both thankful to live, and I hadn’t forgotten that in pushing him out of the way, he would be thinking that I saved his life. Like I’d saved their lives, Hawke and Loghain. I’d done it. I hadn’t ever thought I would, but I did it.

But we didn’t say anything, we just settled in and used each other for comfort. After the longest night I think I’d ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and thus ends the fade. HOLY SHIT never ever thought i'd get this far with this fic ever. now here we are. some heavy stuff in these chapters but we get back to normal with the next bunch. halimshiral is where elaine would excel, not in the fade where the scary stuff is. 
> 
> the font here was +1 strength. 
> 
> oh yeah, and comment!


	42. Say Yes To The

If I listened really hard, focused all my energy, and stared into the surface of that shard so closely anyone would’ve thought I went cross-eyed, I thought I could still hear that music or see a glimpse of old-home on the other side. To be honest, it was probably my imagination, but I didn’t let that thing go for the few weeks’ post-fade adventure. The shard was kind of rectangular, typical jagged edges, and fit into my palm easily.

When I explained to Vivienne what it was, she told me that shattering it was the right decision for all, but in keeping the shard it was like I hadn’t fully let the idea of it go. That wasn’t good, not when I was trying to move the hell on from it so quick.

So it was a handful of weeks after the fade, and the preparations for Halamshiral had been well underway for ages, when Vivienne stopped by the rookery (where I’d been helping Leliana with organisational things, I volunteered for the job when I saw the state of her desk) to collect us both for a meeting. We arrived at that huge room down under Josephine’s office, and I sat down at one end of the table, and fiddled with the mirror piece once more. Trying to focus on it, to hear it all again.

“If I had been there, I am not sure I could have accomplished what you did.” It was, of all people, Cassandra who spoke. She sat down at the table to my diagonal right, two huge mugs of that really shitty tavern ale in hand, pushing one in my direction.

With a shrug, I accepted the mug and kept a few fingers on the mirror, “Easy peasy. They were like kids, and should’ve been told off sooner. I’m just the first to do it.”

She nodded, eyes serious but expression relaxed, “Loghain wished to thank you, before we left. He said ‘she’s a strange one, but useful to have at your back’. Why would he say that?”

Snorting a laugh, “In the fade I may have implied that I didn’t trust him to watch _my_ back, considering Ostagar and all.”

Cassandra’s expression shifted slightly, her brow creasing. It was kind of adorable, “Ostagar was a long time ago.”

“And yet, if he had chosen to fight like the general he pretended to be, some would still be alive today.”

“If he had charged, there would have been more people lost.”

“If he’d charged, the Darkspawn would have been the ones who lost; and the Grey Wardens would not have been fought at every step of the way towards stopping the Blight.”

We fell silent, and I took a sip of ale to fill it, glancing back down at the mirror shard getting annoyed every time reflected light looked like old-home. Cassandra seemed to be stewing over the conversation, and I found I kinda enjoyed the companionableness she seemed to exude, even without meaning to. Never thought I’d find a minute of actual peace and quiet next to the Seeker, but I wasn’t about to question it.

More trailed in, and Sera was lugging with her a potato sack that made suspicious buzzing noises every so often, and she waved to me for a second before going over to where Anya was reading over a very thick book (since I’d met her, she had learned to read rather quickly with the help of a pair of circular glasses that she positioned on the edge of her nose. While these helped with her eyesight, I’m fairly sure she was dyslexic. Often taking breaks to soothe a headache from concentrating on a page so often.)

“What _is_ that glass?” Cassandra pulled me back into the conversation, and I glanced back at her to find her reaching for it, “I have noticed it before but was not sure what it was.”

I let her take it, knowing the protective feeling was just me being stupid, “I got it in the fade. I had to… shatter a mirror, and on a whim just took a piece of it,” I laughed that nervous chuckle people do when they feel like they’re about to be in trouble, “You know me, just can’t seem to stop.”

“This mirror… is it special to you?”

She handed it back, and I just let it rest on the table in front of me, trying not to look at it by studying her face curiously. “Why?”

“Well… I believe, if you were to take the piece to Dagna, she may be able to craft something of it that may be of use. And would save you cutting your hands on the edges of the shard.” She tipped her half-empty mug of ale towards my hands, that admittedly did look worse-for-wear.

“I’ll give that a think, it’s a really good suggestion…” Finishing the mug, I offered her a toothy smile, “Remind me to source you a stack of new books. You deserve em.” We shared a smile as the last person we were waiting on walked into the room, it was Josephine holding that weird candle clip board, and over her arm draped a few swathes of fabric. Behind her trailed Leda, and a human in the same kind of Inquisition standard dress.

Beaming at Leda, who waved at me a little bit before turning professional again, I turned to the opposite end of the table where Vivienne and Josephine seemed to take the head of the table. It was at this point where I noticed that it was only women here? What the hell were we there to discuss?

Vivienne was in her element as she cleared her throat, accepting the swathes of fabric with a polite nod at the other seamstress, “Lady Montilyet felt it best to gather you all here to see what you would like to do regarding the winter palace, it is of the utmost importance that the Inquisition be represented at its finest.” At Sera’s disgusted scoff, she turned a withering look her way, “It will reflect our own importance, we are first and foremost attending to stop any attempts on the Empress’ life by these Venatori, or Corypheus.”

Cassandra leaned back in her seat, looking like she wished to be discussing anything else but politics, “I must agree with Sera. Uniforms were decided upon long ago, was this discussion not put to rest?”

Anya leaned forward, “I did say I was fine with the uniforms, that is true.”

“So, hang on-” Interrupting this one, I hasted to put the shard away for the time being, “You’re seriously fine with the Inquisition rolling up to Halamshiral lookin’ like a battalion of nutcrackers? Seriously?”

Sera snorted from her spot in the corner, “Pshhhh nutcracker-”

“I feel I must side with Miss Elaine,” Josephine stepped forward hesitantly, “While I believe that uniforms are the right fit for some, there are several positions within our circle, including yourself Inquisitor, that will need more than a military outfit.”

Standing up with a renewed idea, I gestured to Leda who had been standing at the wall silently watching with the other seamstress, “This is my friend, Leda. She, and several others that I know, are responsible for recreating my armor, as well as the outfit I wore to Fereldan. They are very creative, and with your permission Anya, and whoever else wishes to help in the endeavor, we’ll give everyone the look they need for Halamshiral without the need for some red penguin suits.”

Anya considered a moment before nodding to herself and looking towards Josephine, who spoke up with an excited tone, “I will be glad to assist you Elaine. There are many more things that I wish to discuss with you regarding Halamshiral as well. This will be a perfect opportunity.”

Vivienne, who I could tell deep down was also just as psyched for this, gestured to the other seamstress, “Let us get some measurements from us all, and some advice for what each person will need.”

“OOOOHH I wanna be able to sneak a bunch of knives in there! Or some bees! Or earwigs- Imagine, some noble goes to take a bite of those stupid sweet-cakes. They find an earwig all squirmy in there!” Sera in her corner laughed in spite of having not wanted to change the idea in the first place, and stood up enthusiastically, “Oi Elaine, there any way we can figure out a special earwig pocket?”

“Sure, I know I’m gonna put so many knives in a skirt I want it to be like lifting weights-” With that we all got underway, and Leda seemed rather excited to start designing what people wanted, and I could see they were all much happier. Even Anya, who I knew was probably getting less sleep than me, seemed renewed by the meeting. Maybe it was just that everybody was getting along? That the world wasn’t ending at exactly that moment? That nobody right in this room was afraid for their lives? Eh could anything.

I stayed back as people trailed out, walking over to Leda and raised my eyebrows. She looked both excited and stressed at the same time, madly scribbling notes in a diary as the woman next her listed off things enthusiastically. “OH! Lady Montilyet wished for ruffles, we will need a particular shade of silk dyed- My Lady.”

The woman bowed her head at my approach, and I gave her an odd look while awkwardly waving my arms to stop her. “N-no I’m not a lady, Leda tell her. I’m not a lady.”

But my friend just laughed at me, finishing writing her notes with a relieved sigh before looking up at me. “Gia, this is Elaine, we’ve been friends since Haven, she was the one Clara was telling you about.”

The woman, Gia, smiled softly but didn’t speak, and I you know I could get kinda weird around quietness and need to fill it, so I laughed weirdly again, “Good things I hope.” 

“Ask no questions and I will tell no lies,” Leda smiled coyly, but then quickly glanced down as Josephine wandered over to us.

“Okay, so everyone meet each other. This is Josephine, Leda, and Gia. I’m guessing we’ll all be working quite closely together up until Halamshiral. Now, let’s address these ruffles-”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one before we jump right into Halamshiral - I counted, and we have 18-20 more chapters left before the end of the first in the Far From Home series!   
> Quick announcement, the next in the series will be Freedom. It for sure won't be as long as this one, but I'm excited to write a new character for this whole thing, she's very interesting in what I have already so I'm very happy.


	43. Chase the dream away

I’d been suffering from awful nightmares since we’d gotten back. They were kinda normal, for what I’d been dreaming of since I’d got to Thedas. Regular old nightmares, with no control, only fear and adrenaline and wanting to wake up.

This time the dream took the shape of a school campus, brick buildings and windows and paths between them. Clouds overhead dark and looming as if a storm was on the move, chill in the air dragging mist along the ground. There were never any people at the start, and it was very quiet for now.

Behind every classroom door was me, but different. It’d be a different me; with shorter hair, with no teeth, with buttons for eyes, but still me. And we’d be in situations that would cause me to panic and move to the next one, which would be even worse than the first. I never had any clue what it’d mean, but it was rather scary. Probably an effect of a close call with a Nightmare demon, that’d really mess a girl up.

My hands shook and my heart was in my throat as I arrived at the last class in this row, even though it was a square and would keep going for ever, and the door creaked open to reveal me, but human again, sitting on a couch as if in a therapy session. Only… holy fuck. The therapist was … Morrigan. _What the fuck?_ She was different though, branch-like tattoos gleamed around her eyes in black ink that seemed to move about her face and refract the light, like oil in the sun. And human me there, we had an odd vallaslin too, one I didn’t recognise, over my eyes and mouth and nose in the shape of what was kind of wolf-like. In shining crimson, the colour of blood. A vallaslin? To the Dread Wolf?

“And how did it go?” Morrigan asked, in that telltale slow sultry voice, leaning forward towards human me, eyes seeming to gleam in the grey light. If I ever encountered Morrigan in a dream, her voice would often switch between her own and Flemeth’s, freaking me out to no end. What did all of this mean?

The me sighed deeply, as if thinking through a complex problem, “I just… those elves deserved it. They were ignorant, and refused to answer the call, yeah? Solas needs allies, but nobody will trust him, and we can’t leave any to assemble a resistance, so they needed to be dealt with.” She shrugged, “It was those kids though, they _screamed_.”

Morrigan’s form seemed to flicker as she nodded understandingly, and I nearly sunk to the floor in shame yet unable to stop listening to what they were saying. Solas… _killed_ elven children? Made _me_ kill children? What- “Children have been known to make such noise.”

The me was wringing her hands as if she didn’t notice she was doing it, “You understand though, right Mogs? We gotta do what we’re told. There’s, not really a choice.”

Morrigan, who would never in her life have allowed anyone to call her by a stupid nickname, nodded slowly to the question with no annoyance on her marked face, “There is but one difference.”

“Oh?”

“I have the voices of the well, and you do not. You, are merely acting out of-”

“Love?”

“Indeed, t’is all you have left.”

My breathing at this point was getting to the hyperventilating level. This was too symbolic for my liking, the tattoos, the weird friendship between the me and the witch. It was all so real, but so unlike anything that could possibly happen, and yet… Solas had killed before. Shit, he would kill. More than we’d understand, during Trespasser he would take hundreds of Qunari lives. And what if I was there? _What if I allowed it?_

Would I be able to do _that_ , simply to help him achieve his goal? The tattoos here though, that meant that the both of us were slaves, hers to Mythal, and mine to Fen’haral. Solas… wouldn’t allow that. Not as I knew him right now.

I woke up in a sweat, wrapped in blankets and forcing myself to believe that it had just been a dream. And by the time breakfast rolled around, and I was sitting at the table with my elven friends, every detail of that dream had left my memory.

***

I was lying face up on the scaffolding that he used to paint along the walls, and Solas was below at the desk scowling into a cup of tea. I’d been avoiding Josephine since breakfast, who had been after me to do lessons on deportment and how to act in the presence of nobles if I was going to be a Bard of the Inquisition.

So I remained belly-up on the scaffolding, watching the people scurry past on the upper levels where they couldn't see me.

Then Mr. Bald Elf poked his head atop the ladder, "How long have you been there, Elaine?"

"Most of the day." I said, turning my head, "I've been hearing you grumble into your tea all morning. What's up?"

He grimaced as he climbed all the way up the ladder and sat leaning against the wall. "There is... much to worry about."

"No specifics?" I found it easier to talk to him when I couldn't meet his eyes, so I simply let my head flop back down.

"You aren't concerned about the Winter Palace? What occurs there could change the course of Thedas."

"Anya will fix it."

"Blind faith will do us no good." His tone was biting, so I actually sat up, sitting cross-legged in front of the Dread Wolf.

"It's not _blind faith_ , ma’fen. it's based on statistics. Anya has come through for us time and time again, she wasn't made the Inquisitor for nothing, Solas. If anything, call it trust."

"You trust her? She is from a race of people that would persecute ours in a heartbeat."

"We would persecute ourselves given the chance. The more different we are the more things stay the same." I was referring to the Evenuris, and the slaves that rose up against them, he would take of it what he could, but he couldn't keep talking shit about the Qunari's goals of world conquering when here he sat with a goal to conquer the world. It was silly.

"That is true." He seemed so deep in thought as he agreed, eyes glassed over and looking into the middle distance.

"I've been thinking a lot since the Western Approach. You know I’ve been having weird dreams."

"May I ask about what?"

I didn't take my eyes off his face as I spoke cautiously, "Isn’t just elves that have... forgotten who they are. There is so much more to be discovered, that is wrong about history.” Careful, careful, scrutinising his eyes as they snapped to mine, "Even you act like you know everything there is to know about the world, when in truth we're all just stumbling along in the dark. Only way forward is blackness, we can barely see where we've previously been. My time in the fade changed a lot of things for me, you know Solas? I don't want to get lost in the dark, I want to be so much _more_ than we are but… I don’t want to submit to something I have no control over." I hadn't realised exactly how much I'd thought this through, I found that I wholeheartedly agreed with him that there _should_ be change. But the method?

And this was a big but, I didn't see why we couldn't let them repair themselves, why it needed such instant drastic measures. Despite everything, Solas wasn't a god. He was just an immortal mage, hell-bent on going back to the glory days. We could stop him if we tried, but did I even want to?

An image of a blood red wolf-shaped vallaslin flashed behind my eyes, and I closed them for a second to blink the haunting picture away, "I'm not just referring to elves, you know. All our differences set us apart. If we weren't so separate the world would be better off."

He regarded me, not judging, simply searching, "You said 'them'. Referring to the Dalish you said, 'them'."

"I suppose so."

"I do not have much in common with the Dalish either." He said, looking down at his hands, "They regarded me with blatant hostility."

"I haven't met like a proper Dalish." And before you ask, Merrill left the Dalish and had been living amongst humans for ages, she didn't count. 

"Then how do you-?" 

Grinning, I reached forward and tugged his hand into mine, tracing patterns onto the back with a finger. "I've been around a while. Read a lot. It doesn't really matter."

He looked like he wanted to say something, but had no idea what. However, he didn't stop me from tracing patterns into his hand, and eventually he leaned forward to kiss me.

“Are you sure she went this way, Madame?” I jumped away from him him, hands still wrapped loosely around his neck as their voices echoed through the entryway up towards us.

“Absolutely,” That was Vivienne, dang it she sold me out to Josephine! That traitor! “This is a common retreat.”

Their footsteps echoed, and Solas softly chuckled as without hesitation I threw myself off the platform, landing in a kneeling position to dash for the exit to the battlements via Cullen’s office with a whisper thrown over my shoulder, “I’ll see you later _ma’fen!_ ” The doors were open, thank fuck, and I shoved the outer door closed behind me just as I heard their voices enter the rotunda.

Taking a deep breath of the mountain air to calm my nerves, I stood there with my ear pressed to the door until I was sure they were gone completely, then relaxed for a second to calm my heart. I _really_ super did not want to get caught, those deportment lessons would be worse than barre work during classes. That is to say, abysmal and deathly boring.

“Elaine-”

“Gah! Jesus Christ- _oh_ it’s you.”

Hand over my thumping heart relaxing at the sight of Anya leaning against that wall again, sitting down on the ground with her knees up. When I jumped she grinned slightly then let it drop, looking me over with a curious look. “Hiding?”

“I don’t need bloody lessons in manners, do I?” Complaining, I parked myself down next to the giant Qunari with a frustrated sigh, “Didn’t need it when they sent me to Fereldan, but now all of a sudden I’m an uncultured elf?”

“I hear you,” She nodded, picking up a wooden box from her other side and offering the contents to me, it was these grape-like things that were far less sweet but still delicious, “They named me Inquisitor, and trust that I know how to risk my life every day, but when it comes to Halamshiral and these games… all they see is a pair of horns. That is all I will be to certain people.”

“Not only that,” Rolling the fruit over in my mouth to savour the taste, “We’re also women, there will be a higher standard for us to meet.”

“It is unfair.”

“It’s stupid.”

Sitting in agreeable silence now, we shared fruit and watched the clouds and flocks of birds pass overhead. It was truly a beautiful place, even from here we could see the snow-capped tips of the surrounding Frostbacks, hear the workers below on the ground building up the fortress, even smell the faint aroma of cooking meats from the kitchen. Skyhold was very alive today, and it felt good to sit down with someone who would let me hear it. Unconsciously, my hand found the pocket of Alice’s coat where I kept the shard, and I held it there just running my fingers over the smooth surface.

“You know there are… a few things, I wished to discuss with you. And I do feel as if I have been patient. But there have been several occurrences that I feel can no longer go unaddressed.” She turned, eyes narrowed to see my expression.

I just nodded, and plopped a grape-thing in my mouth, speaking around it, “I’ll tell you the truth. Whatever you want to ask.”

It must’ve been the right answer, because she leaned back and fiddled with her hands for a moment as if thinking. “Alright… fast questions, then. What to ask first…” She dug around in the small box for another grape-thing, “What exactly happened with the mirror in the Fade?”

Wincing, I pulled my hand out of my pocket and clasped them together in front of me, “That’s a difficult question to answer.”

“Go ahead.”

“Um… let’s see… those mirrors, the ones we kept encountering in the Fade? In elven, they’re called Eluvians. It means, ‘seeing glass’. I, and sometimes others, could hear or sometimes see things through them.” I was speaking to the sky right then, knowing if I looked at her I’d want to hide forever out of fear she would reject me because she couldn’t understand, and then I’d loose my friend, “With that specific mirror, there was something about it that drew me to it. I could hear my home through it, see it so clearly, but if I were to cross through? It would’ve cost a lot. Half of me, is what the Divine said.”

“Home?” Softly prompting, she adjusted her legs to cross them under her monk style, “And where is that? I know it is not where you say.”

“It’s… another place.” From there I launched into the real story; in how I was pulled through into the fade by Defiance, how I wasn’t from this world but another one very close to here and I’d given up my shot to return in shattering that mirror.

She thought very quickly, fingers running over the stone we stat on, “So… you and this spirit, you are one?”

“I’m me –but essentially yes. Since the Fade we have been more… symbiotic. Because I chose not to separate us to return home.” Looking down, hesitating, “I… I’m sure it was the right choice but, who can really tell?”

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw her nodding slightly, but she was still thinking it though, “That is why you glowed in the meeting, and why you often can do things non-mages cannot do.”

“I believe so, yeah. It’s because half of me is capable of those things, and elves have a very deep connection to the Fade and magic anyway.”

“And in the fade, with those headstones. Yours had two, your own and that of Defiance.” She gathered, pausing.

“Loss… and submission. Our greatest fears.” I laughed darkly, “Didn’t know it until I was staring it in the face.”

“It said… Bree. That is your true name, is it not?”

I just kept nodding slowly, didn’t want to deny it now, as the name felt like the same as the glass shard. Nostalgic, hopeful, something of old-home to offer me in this new one. “Bree Donovan was my name. I was… well, if you can believe it, I was human.”

At this she glanced back my way, seeming to mull everything I said over all at once. It was a skill she had, I found, she could process new and strange information extraordinarily quickly, and was very fast to adapt to it. Even if she didn’t believe it herself, she would work with it if needed. “Human… what was that like?”

“The worst. Humans are literally the worst.” Finally turning to meet her eyes, we shared a look before breaking down into laughter, trying and failing to keep it quiet lest anyone come along to investigate. As the amusement dimmed to companionable silence, she put away the now empty grape container.

“You are not going to loose us, you know.” Anya said lightly, hands on her knees and preparing to stand, “It will work out in the end, and there will be no more losses.”

Shrugging, I quickly stood too, “Nah, I know there will be losses, I’m not dumb –I just… it’s hard. To want to get close to someone, but also not wanting to incase I loose them. Even if it’s a small chance. It’s still there.”

She stood too, much slower than I did, and looked out across the keep below, towards the tavern and a certain window, “You simply make a conscious decision to do so…” Turning back to meet my eyes, she smiled widely all of a sudden, as if having decided something important, “And then see what is there when you do.” Reaching down, she put a hand on my shoulder, “You do not have to be alone, Bree Donovan. You can choose to love. As I am.”

“Thank you, Anya.” Giving a short laugh, I wiped angrily at my eyes before anything could escape. “You go get that girl then.”

Her hand dropped as she laughed, “You get back in there.”

“I will,” We shared one last respectful, and accepting kind of smile as she went one way and I turned back towards the rotunda.

Pausing before I entered the room, I loosened the sash around my waist so the wrap shirt exposed more skin than I usually preferred. Making sure it would be very visible to someone who was looking, I walked across the rotunda and placed both hands on the table. Leaning down and over towards Solas, who glanced up in surprise before his eyes widened, taking in the sight.

Grinning, I noticed the tinge on his ears, and the way his gaze was heated as he met my eyes again, “Elaine…”

“My rooms. After supper.” Slowly leaning forward, I trailed my lips up one of his ears, slow and steady, before leaning fully away, “Don’t be late, or I’ll start without you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonageinquisition/mods/769/ - can find a pic of a Dread Wolf vallaslin mod I found that I thought was cool, hard to describe tho.


	44. Not to mention

“Where did you find these music boxes? They are exquisite.” He’d lifted a hand to brush over the shelf, doing as little as possible to move from the extremely comfortable position we were in. Which was me still lying down, curled into his side as he’d sat up against the headboard. Blankets still piled on, morning sun streaming through the windows.

Sleep still on my mind, eyes still half closed against the light. I hadn’t stayed in bed this long since I’d gotten here, the nights were usually just too long and my dreams too terrifying to stay in. But now that I had company, in sleep and in waking, seemed I was back to staying under the covers for longer, “There’s an Orlesian merchant down in the market area, whenever she gets a hold of one she gives it to me. I pay her for it, but now my collection seems to have stalled.”

“I would not have thought to collect treasures like these.” I watched him lazily move his finger over a particularly nice one, an open wooden box with no intricacies or carvings, unusual for an Orlesian trinket. The tune on this one though was particularly lovely, good to try and chill out a little bit. Sitting up, I reached over him to the windowsill for the box, crossing my legs under me as I sat with it over the covers facing him.

“Well, it’s mostly for a selfish reason,” I turned the little handle over and over, until it stalled and I let it go. The soft, tinkling tune filled the morning silence with welcome joy. His eyes shut as he listened to it, idle smile brushing his face as he listened. As it started to slow I smiled too, and watched as his eyes opened slightly, “Back where I used to live, there was music _everywhere_ and, when I first got here, I wasn’t used to the silence so… I bribed that merchant to send these to me so I could hear it again. The boxes brought me back to that, even a little, it was nice. And now they’re like the shard,” I glanced at it, sitting on that table across from the fire, “Just me, holding onto something I should be letting go of.” 

“There is nothing wrong with missing an old home, an old life.” He replied, plucking the box out of my hands, and replacing it back in its spot along the shelf before pulling me closer, and leaning back against the headboard again.

“I know, I just don’t wanna be stuck on the past, that’s no way to live.” While I hadn’t _meant_ that as anything but about me, as I said the words I realised that they probably also applied to him as he sunk into a thoughtful silence.

“I’m not sure I want to get up,” I said a moment later, after having nearly fallen back to sleep and woken back up, “You know today’s the day, yeah?”

“Yes, you leave for Orlais today, though I am quite looking forward to the Winter Palace.” I would be leaving with Leliana, Harding, and the handful of servants that would be coming with us, about two days before Anya had to leave. The reason? The Inquisitor needed to parade herself into the Winter Palace, and we were there to make sure that would be possible.

“Yeah?”

“Oh yes, I find it all highly intriguing. I have seen much in the Fade, but there is nothing quite like being at court.”

“What …was it like? For you? I’ve been with Vivienne for a while but, I imagine court was vastly different for you than it has been for me _ma’fen_.”

“It is… difficult to explain without having experienced it, however, if you can picture an evening at court that stretched on for weeks and months on end, it would be a start. Without the veil, life is quick and impermanent, life was the opposite of that. Slow and roiling, yet constantly new, connection to magic raw… we were all so high on ourselves, on our lives, it took a long time for anyone to realise what had gone wrong, and by then it was far too late.” He seemed to be struggling to find the right words to describe it, and in spite of the words he had used I was struggling to picture it.

How could two people from such different worlds find common ground?

And he seemed to be distant again, head somewhere I couldn’t even image. Smiling slightly, reached up to touch his face, and watched as his mind came back to the room and looked back into mine, “My apologies, v…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, ma’fen.” Shaking my head, but I was still kinda smiling a bit. I hadn’t had many people say words like that to me, only two kinda serious relationships in my life… yeah ok, I’m a stupid coward. “I just… don’t think I’m ready to hear that yet.”

He nodded, and leaned forward to kiss me again, whispering, “There will be a time.”

***

“I just wanted to come up to say bye, Vivienne. I’m on my way out.” Wielding a tray of sweet-cakes and tea, placed it down and made myself at home on my favourite out of the couches in her area.

Though it took her a second, she was writing a letter, she turned from her desk to raise her eyebrow, “Oh? So you will be on your way soon, darling?”

“We leave in about an hour, pretty exciting to be going somewhere new.” I smiled around a mouthful of sweet-cake, and she rolled her eyes at me before finishing her letter and standing up, holding a scroll of vellum.

“I understand you have never been to the Winter Palace, it is quite exciting.” She sat down next to me, placed the scroll on the table and reached for the tea, pouring me and herself a cup before continuing, “However, before you leave there was something I wanted to discuss.”

“Uh… huh?” Oh crap oh crap what had I done now.

“This,” She gestured with the tea cup towards the scroll, “Is the contract you signed when I first employed you.”

“Oh… Jesus that was a while ago.”

“It was, and I am very glad that did happen.” She said, sipping at the tea again.

“That journey back to the chateaux, you limping and me trying not to panic.” I remembered everything so clearly; back then I was pretty green, and hadn’t known what to say to her I was too in awe.

“I have learned some healing magic since then, I do not make the same mistake twice.” She placed the tea down, and chose a sweet-cake offering me another one which I gladly took.

“Yeah well, you know I’ll always be there to carry you if you need me to again.” I smiled but really kind of wanted to know where she was going with this, nervously finishing off the cake and washing it down with a gulp of the hot tea.

“And it is appreciated,” As she spoke, she reached and grabbed the scroll, neatly depositing it onto my lap, “But that is the just the thing. I do not wish to … ‘employ’ you any longer.”

“Wha-” Hurriedly put the tea down and grabbed the scroll with concern, “Huh? Did I do something wrong?”

“No- you mistake me,” She took my hands, even though they were holding the contract, “I owe you my life, Elaine. You are, and have always been, my friend. And I do not wish to be… above you. Now we will be equals.”

Okay, getting choked up now. “Y… you- God, why’re you always surprising me! Just gimme a sec.” I turned away to wipe away the water at the edges of my eyes, looking into the light of the sun of the balcony to try and stop them. Taking a moment to recover and take a deep breath before I turned back to her, “Jeez… Vivienne. How do I respond to that…? I guess I’m just,” Taking the contract, I unfurled it and ripped it in two halves, looking into her eyes with a watery grin, “I guess I’m truly thankful. Really. We _are_ friends and, I’m really grateful for that overturned carriage.”

She nodded with a slight smile, and even I knew that was all she would give I was happy anyway. Because I knew that small smile meant conveyed the truth of every word she was saying. There weren’t many people who would get a smile like that from Vivienne, and I was proud to be one of them.

“Vivienne, there you are.” It was Anya who became a welcome addition to the tea party, as she sat down across from us with an energised smile. I noticed that her horns had been wrapped with shiny things, little stones and jewels that glittered as she moved, they were absolutely gorgeous. Kinda jealous I couldn’t wear them… “And Elaine, it is good to see you as well, but are you not leaving soon?”

“I’m all packed, lethallan. Just saying my byes before I don’t see any of you for a week.” I grinned, wiping at my eyes one last time before reaching for another sweet-cake.

We chatted for a while, even though I knew I needed to go downstairs, stop by Lanaste to collect my elven friends who would be coming along, probably should’ve been packing a few things as well but… I couldn’t help but stay. I was having too much fun, chatting away.

Then something came up, something that I had half expected Vivienne to have brought up a long time ago, “I… am afraid the time as come that I must ask you both for help.” She was poised as ever, tea and saucer in hand and back straight as a rod. “There is an alchemical formula that I must complete, but there is but one last critical ingredient that I have been unable to obtain.”

“The heart, of a snowy wyvern,” _Whoop there it is_ , “I had arranged to obtain one, but the chevaliers working with me were killed during the civil war.”

 It was right to tell her, yeah? If I could do something to help my friend, advise her that it wouldn’t work, that she should try something to improve the formula, I should tell her. I knew it’d been coming, and I’d do anything to make sure she didn’t get hurt. 

I didn’t say anything yet as Anya leaned forward, tapping her chin and thinking, “If I am going after a snowy wyvern, I need to know everything you can tell me.” 

She nodded slightly as she spoke, “They’re quite rare and exceedingly dangerous. Their venom is the most potent of any wyvern.”

 “Not to mention the teeth. And the size. And the claws…” I winced jokingly, but Vivienne was too focused to smile. 

“Ordinary hunters would not make the attempt- the risk is too great. You, my dears, I know would certainly be equals to this monster.” She didn’t even fidget, kinda impressive if I do say so.

 “Vivienne…” I hesitated to continue in front of Anya, knowing that Vivienne would want to keep her affairs private.

 But Anya had stopped thinking, and shrugged, “I’ll do what I can, _we_ will.”

 “You bet.” Grimacing, I covered my nerves with chowing down on more of the sweet-cakes, waiting until Anya bid her goodbyes before standing up myself. Vivienne did that Orlesian two cheek kisses thing and leaned back, and I grinned nervously at her before turning serious, “Look, in the spirit of equal friendship. There’s something you need to know before we get you this heart thingie. Please don’t yell at me.” I told her what would happen, and she knew not to interrupt although I could see increasing worry lines form on her face as I spoke, “I’m so sorry, _ma asa’lin_. I thought you should know.”

 She let out a string of Orlesian words that I’m so sure were curses? Best not repeat it, before turning to her desk, “I must review the formula, then. There is something to be done, I am certain of it.” Aggressively dunking her quill into the ink, she turned and spoke over her shoulder, “ _Thank_ _you_ for telling me, Elaine. I will see you at the Winter Palace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> elven translations: ma'fen = my wolf. ma asa lin= my blood ?essentially she's calling her her sister, that's kind of significant. 
> 
> Start of a few bardic missions next chapter!!! We'll be back with and old friend, and with some old foes ;D comment,!


	45. Barding in Orlais-Town

Anya wasn't really safe in Orlais. She never quite understood why either. She figured it was nothing, Orlesians at their games, she could handle it. No. Often times I scouted out the campsites first, or trolled over maps and layouts of castles and buildings for secret passages. Couldn't help it. I just had this feeling. That I should be on alert. That something even _I_ couldn't expect was about to happen.

Of course they had to. A lot of things had deviated since she sent Cullen to the Templars. Even Skyhold was bigger, it seemed, with more doors and passages and tunnels and rooms than could ever be explored or covered in a game.

Naturally, the people deviated just as much.

It felt good, natural, to be back in the place it all started for me. Market place of Val Royeaux. The political climate here had changed some shit, and even the people wandering around seemed to feel it as the official Inquisition party rode through to where we were staying closer to the Winter Palace.

Well, I say 'we', but as I mentioned I’d gone on ahead. Silent and unseen, that's me. Wouldn't do for me to draw MORE attention to myself, and by extension make Anya a bigger target than she already was.

Their precession garnered attention from the neighbours, and soon there was a bunch of people flooding the streets. I leant against the wall of an alleyway, arms crossed and growing increasingly bored. Scout. That shoulda been the name I chose when I landed. Seemed to be all I did these days.

I scanned the roofs, and the balconies, looking for anyone out of place. Or even the gleam of a bow string being drawn.

Then suddenly atop one of the buildings a dark oddly familiar hood caught my eye. But it seemed to disappear the next instant. What was it?

"You look, _entcantador,_ but do you really see?" [lovely] Heavily accented, but (again!) irritatingly familiar voice spoke behind me, as a figure in a dark hood emerged from behind me in the alley and moved to stand next to me.

"What was it they say about Crows, _viendo a la mujer._ " [watching woman] The voice spoke again, all smooth, velvet and honey. Man, honestly could have listened endlessly. "That more than one makes a-?"

Before he'd even finished the sentence, I had a dagger out, pressed against his throat and pushed him against the wall opposite.

"A murder." I replied, pushing my hood down, and finally getting a good look at what I'd realised was either really good news, or the worst possible thing to have happened.

"Ah, you are much more enchanting in the light, _entcantador_. And impressively wicked." Suddenly something sharp pressed against my side, and I had to work to look down and saw a small knife gleaming against my armor. He used his other hand to push his own dark hood back, revealing the tan golden complexion I expected from the Antivan.

What I hadn't expected was to see the smiling, slightly older face of Zevran, nodding his head at me, " We're not enemies, you want to meet the real crows, no? I can show you.”

***

"Leliana knows you are with me, yes?"

"I told Anya. And Cullen. Leliana would overreact and attempt to deal with it in a complicated way. Shit doesn't need to get stupid. Plus-" I shot him a side-eye, "I assumed you already informed her."

"Well put, _encantador_ , you have experience with the crows?" 

I aimed an ' _are you serious?_ ' expression at him, "Some."

"Ah, I do love an _experienced_ woman. I thought this would be so." He quipped, throwing a wink in my direction.

I eyed him, then said 'to hell with it' in my mind. I'd spent a lot of time here being cautious, trying to do things on my own. I could do with a little help. "I like an experienced woman too, actually," I quipped, "And men. _Experiences_ in general."

He threw his head back and laughed, "A woman after my own heart."

“So what’ve you been doing since we last saw each other? It’s been a few months.”

“This and that…” Taking my elbow, he led me around a corner through another alley, “I have been doing quite a bit of work for the lovely Leliana.”

“Oh yeah? Have you-” I’m too goddamn curious! Bad Elaine, somebody whack me upside the head, “-Spoken to the warden?”

He chuckled but didn’t reply, leading me through the streets to a really run-down in, interestingly situated between a fancy a bunch of noble houses and estates. He didn’t speak again until we arrived at what I assumed was his room, and I made sure to lean against a wall nowhere near him. What? He was still so attractive even now, and Zevran was the kind of person who had chemistry with _everyone_. I couldn’t help that I responded to it, even if things had been getting serious with Solas.

“So, what did you have to show me? I’m just assuming it’s about the Crows.” Crossing my arms, I didn’t look straight at him as he meandered around the room.

He spoke as he moved, gathering papers and tidying up, “Leliana knows of the presence of quite a few assassins, there are more than enough … lucrative opportunities form them in the city leading up to Halamshiral.”

“Mmhmm.”

“She, myself, and another agent have been attempting to uncover the location of Lady Montilyets contract, however the House of Repose have proven more elusive than we thought.”

“Hmph, I knew I should’ve gone after that guy…” Straightening up, “Who’s the other agent?”

“Casimr, I am told you know him? He is _quite_ entertaining.”

“I’ll bet.” 

He chuckled again, finally sitting down on the end of the bed, leaning back on his hands with a sly grin, “Nevertheless, my fiery elven goddess-”

“HA!”

“I do believe there is a solution, and you are more than welcome to join us for this mission.”

“You, me, Casimr? A nice small team, good for infiltrating.” Staring off out the window as I thought, pretty excited that I’d get to be doing cool stealth stuff again, I didn’t realised he’d stood up until he was blocking the window.

“A threesome it is.” He murmured amusedly, laughing outright as I’m sure my face heated up. As I kicked myself for blushing, he seemed to think for a moment before turning my way, leaning on the windowsill, “But, lovely Elaine, how will we infiltrate where we are not wanted? I have several ideas, but am curious to hear yours.”

Crossing my arms, I contemplated for a moment before answering with the only idea I had, and it didn’t even involve murdering anyone. “I am sure there are some dancers in the city, I would be able to … commandeer some costumes. Be the entertainment?”

“While I’m not opposed to that idea, as I am _the_ _most_ entertaining,” A perfectly normal sentence, yes, but he managed to make it sound suggestive enough to make me blush again. Then he paused, amused tilt to his lips falling as curiousness shone through his voice, “But not as servants?”

Already shaking my head, “One thing I learned spending so much time with Vivienne –she hired her servants personally, and would know if there was a new face in her own home. Orlesians are not as dim-witted as people thing, people pushed to the side often pay attention, and party-crashing elves in the servants’ quarters would be something that draws the kind of attention we’re _not_ looking for-”

“Perceptive as usual, Elaine. It is good to finally see you again.” A deep, familiar voice spoke from the doorway, and I turned with a huge grin to see Casimr standing there with that grin I hadn’t seen in months, and was quite glad to see again.

“Hey Casimr!” I ran up to him and punched him in the arm, laughing all the while, “You left without saying anything, you jerk.”

While Casimr laughed, Zevran tapped his chin, as if testing out the insult in his brain to see if it made sense.

After a brief moment of greeting, Zevran stepped forward to explain my plan, and they both discussed it as I munched on a pile of grapes in the corner.

“Well ladies?” I stood up as they finished, nearly skipping on my way to the door, “If we’re gonna break into this party tonight, we have to go now. Our costumes await.”

***

“Allana, it’s been a long time.”

“E… _Elaine_?! Maker, it’s been over a year! Come give me a hug, I’ve missed you!” The perky blonde human that I’d befriended long ago when I first joined the dancing troupe in Val Royeaux, ran around the table she’d been sitting at to launch at me in a tight hug, “Where’ve you been? Still with Vivienne?”

“I work for the Inquisition now, actually. And I’d love to stay and chat but,” I leaned over to whisper conspiratorially in her ear, making sure to glance over to where Zevran and Casimr were waiting a distance way, trying to look casual, “They’re a pretty impatient lot.”

She giggled as she eyed them over, “I bet. Especially that elf, he looks like he knows all of your secrets.”

“Exactly,” With a smile, I leaned back onto the balls of my feet, “Now I need a favour.”

“Mmhmm,” She was right to be cautious, after me just showing up here and making demands it wasn’t exactly fair to her, “What’d you need exactly?”

“I need to borrow some costumes, for tonight. I’ll have the Inquisition reimburse you and everything.” I jerked my thumb over my shoulder at the other two, “We need to get into a party tonight, and this is the plan we landed on.”

“Hmmm. I can’t very well _give_ some to you. You understand I’d be in trouble.” She walked back around the desk/table and bent down, reaching underneath it to pick up a basket overflowing with bright and shiny fabrics, throwing a pair of shoes on top of the lot before placing it on the counter before straightening up, “But I could have been moving them, misplaced them, leave them out on the counter for anyone to see- oh? What’s that? I think I hear Isaan calling me.” She winked as she backed up, towards the hallway to my right, “It was very good to see you again, Elaine. I hope you’ll come join us again.”

I offered her a grin and a wave as she disappeared behind the corner, and immediately dove for the basket, grabbing the handle and rushing back outside towards the door, “Let’s go get changed immediately, I get caught out here with this Isaan’ll kill Allana, then the three of us.”

The three of us made for a pretty good team, making our way through the streets to the estate where the party was, keeping an eye out for any crows or other assorted hired murder-people on our way there. Getting changed in a random empty shed into the costume made me feel both weird and extremely nostalgic, for my days when I wore elaborate costumes like this weekly. The costume was very burlesque, embellished with fake shiny jewels to make it look expensive, I barely squeezed into it, and I ditched pants when I realised how restrictive it would be, and chose to just go with a Captain Isabela look, pulling those gifted boots on right up to the thigh, tucking one knife in each boot. Turning around to the boys after hefting the weird Orlesian jacket over the lot, I was twisting my hair into a braid as I noticed them staring at me, their own costumes as brightly-coloured and ostentatious as mine.

“What? I got something on my face?” Stomping past them, I stood just outside the door waiting for them, watching from here as guest after guest arrived at the party that was being thrown as I fixed the mask onto my face.

“Sorry about that Elaine.” Casimr went first, pulling a mask over his eyes as Zevran followed, who eyed me one more time before turning towards where I’d been looking before.

“It’s no problem,” I waved a hand, but then pointed it at a group that’d been making their way slowly through the line at the service entrance to the party, we could see both from the shed on their estate, they were all wearing brightly-coloured and revealing costumes, same as us, but they were much closer than we thought. “But that is.”

“Hmm,” Casimr led the way, “I think… I think I can get us in with them.”

“This will be very interesting, no?” Zevran murmured in that insinuating way he always did as we made our way over to them, I brushed my hands together to stave off the cold, and didn’t respond as he asked me if I wanted him to heat them up for me.

Casimr made us stand a bit behind as he walked over to the one at the front, and they spoke for only a few seconds before he turned and waved us over.

“I wish I had that power, it’d be so useful.” I said, impressed but hugging closer into the weird jacket, as it was not only quite cold there but people in the line kept staring.

“Convincing people to do things? This is actually quite easy, no?” Zevran laughed, falling into step behind Casimr, who offered us a smile, and the human at the front a somber nod before we joined the rest of the troupe wordlessly.

“ _What_ did you _say_ to them?”

“I just casually dropped the name Red Jenny to see how it went, and look, they took it quite well.”

“I’ma tell Sera you did that,” I laughed, “Dunno how happy she’ll be.”

“Oh well.” He waved a hand in dismissal as we were let through the doors with the rest of the troupe.

We silently followed them through the house to where their rooms were, a separate part of the servant quarters. Settling in the back corner out of the way as they prepared for their performance.

It was such a nice estate, beautiful architecture and candles everywhere, I would’ve loved to stop and take a look around, but we didn’t really have time. There were several assassins on the loose, and it was suddenly part of my job to catch them. Whoever said politics was boring?

“The information I received from Leliana was that the Repose agent is, in fact, a noble.” Zevran lent against the back wall, his eyes not on us but on the rest of the performers as they gathered around. I also watched, but to see their routine and their stretches and judge if they were any good or not. You never loose that dancers sense.

Casimr was watching the doors, “Mmhmm, so now that we are in, how do we draw them out?”

“My previous experience was to seduce them,” I shrugged, looking away from the performers as they stretched, “And fight off their blood magic then kill them.”

“Ah but that was quite the night, no?” Zevran laughed quietly, “But alas, I do not think that will work here. Those were Tevinter mages, and these are trained assassins. They will recognise a trick when they see one.”

“No trick then.” Casimr straightened up, “We just have to see if we can catch them in the act, then get the information out of them before killing them.”

“My friend, they will not be so easily caught.” Zevran patted him on the arm, looking perplexed.

“No, they won’t but if we convince them there’s a target in the room…” And it came together in my head, a way to draw out the assassin, “We just have to draw them into a trap instead, float around that someone we _know_ is a target is coming, they will follow.” Zevran’s eyes sparked at the same time as Casimr’s did, and I felt the same mischievous grin spread over my face as it did theirs.

 “How do you feel about audience participation?” I asked, turning towards the troupe, and leading the way over to the leader.

***

“Can you see?” Standing behind the others, I was wrapping a long coat around myself, fixing that shiny mask so it settled better over my eyes. I needed to be able to camouflage, and follow behind the assassin through the crowds- you can’t do that in a skimpy burlesque outfit.

“Yes, we will signal you.” Casimr gestured across the stage, upon which the performers had taken their positions, “Hopefully it will all go well, good luck.”

I grinned as I walked towards the door, turning and throwing the line over my shoulder, “In the theatre we say ‘break a leg’. Wishing someone good luck is bad luck.”

“Just go!” He shook his head in exasperation, watching with one finger playing with the curtain.

Making my way down the stairs and out into the gathered crowd, making sure my hair covered the points of my ears as I went. If anyone caught an elf loitering in the hallway there would be hell to pay, so I took position at the edge of the room, holding a glass and seemingly just watching the performance and trying to blend in.

It was rather easy; this crowd was very similar to the one from Fereldan, only more Orlesian. And everyone was wearing masks. Other than that, it was quite close.

The performance started, and I tilted my head towards the stage, but scanned the crowd of nobles as they gathered around.

“Lady… Renan?” A small, Orlesian voice whispered next to me, making me jump, “Oh I knew it was you! I’d simply know that hair anywhere.”

Turning, it was a blonde Orlesian woman, grey eyes kind and glinting with hidden mirth behind a silver mask. At first I didn’t quite recognise her, having only met her in person once at Fereldan, but remembered the correspondence we’d had over the past few months via letters. “Lady Mantillion!” I whispered, offering her a smile, and the two kisses on each cheek thing that they do, “Fancy seeing you here.”

She smiled, and stepped up to stand next to me, facing the stage as the music started, and the leader of the troupe began to narrate what was happening. “The more interesting of the pair of us is you, _mon_ _amie_. We both know that you have… other business here.” She replied quietly, sipping at her drink.

I’ll giver her this, she was smart. No wonder I made friends with her, “This is true, and it would be my hope that you would aid. Because we are, as you say, friends.”

She chuckled, “Oh you are very clever, I remembered this to be so.” We watched in silence, and I saw a glint of golden hair, and a tanned face appeared across the room, meeting my eye then looking away. She continued, “I will not obstruct your work, Lady Renan.” She backed off, a small earnest smile on her lips, “ _Bonsoir et bonne chance,_ Renan. We will speak soon.”

“Good evening to you too, Lady Mantillion.” I smiled at her, before turning back towards the stage, turning in just in time to see what I needed to see. Oh, that sure was convenient.

The narrator had stood up at the front of the stage, and was calling into the audience, “And now, for our next story, we will need someone who is strong of arm, and brave of soul. A volunteer from the audience!”

The Orlesians present chittered and jeered amongst themselves, some raising their hands or volunteering their friends. The announcer swept his eyes over the crowd, “Ah, I know there is but one person for this important job. I know Lady Montilyet of the Inquisition was here earlier, but I saw her exit through the gardens before... I need-” From there I stopped listening, as did Zevran and Casimr I’m sure, as we were all watching the crowd.

As someone was pulled up from the audience, glanced at Zevran, who was moving towards the door that led to the gardens, Casimr appearing not seconds after to follow closely behind him. Casimr turned to signal to me, brushing a finger over the top of his mouth like a moustache, and then mouthing the word ‘ _flower’_ as he brushed a hand over his left breast-pocket.

I gave a short nod, then made my way around the crowd, placing my drink on a table as I passed. Standing with my back to the doors that led to the garden, I kept an eye out and waited for the person with the moustache and the flower to go out the door before I could follow. Quite simple really, he was standing right next to me. He looked left and right, casually backing away from the crowd before speed-walking out the door.

_Hmm wow that was easy_ , I waited exactly ten seconds before doing the exact same thing, backing away from the now laughing crowd and following after him. Adjusting my coat to make sure it hadn’t slipped as I went. The corridor wasn’t long, and led to a very pretty patio outside that currently looked deserted, except for the man with the moustache.

I stood in the shadows, considering for a second before shedding the coat, dropping it to the floor before walking into the light of the patio. Breathing out loudly as if cold, and stepping closer to him, wrapping my arms around my shoulders, “ _Oh_ , _monsieur,_ _pardon._ I did not know there would be anyone out here.”

He turned, and before he could hide it I saw his mouth part with surprise as he looked me up and down. God, noble dudes are so predictable. “T’is no problem,” He replied eagerly, “Come.”

“Oh… okay,” Stepping closer to him, shyness was easy to fake, but I made sure to catch my feet on the pavement, tripping into him. He caught me with little noise, and I felt a rush of irritation as he gripped a little too tight. Hoping it was mistaken for breathlessness as I looked up at him, “ _Je_ _vous_ _remercie_ , _monsieur_.”

He nodded, letting me go reluctantly, he stepped back but didn’t go far enough in my opinion.

“What… are you doing out here, _monsieur?_ ” I tilted my head to the side, widening my eyes and tilting my head, “And not in with the party?”

He sighed deeply, shaking his head, “I had… thought to find someone, and your performers on the stage mentioned she came out here.” _Gotcha_ _now_ _you_ _bastard_.

“Hmm…” I smiled triumphantly, stepping back and reaching into my boots for a knife, folding it behind my back, “That was what I was hoping,” Finally getting to drop the act as he turned towards me and hung his head.

“But I knew an elf such as you would be here on business.” He shook his head as he spoke, then looked back up at me, “Go on then, you caught me. What are you waiting for?”

Raising my eyebrows, I let my hand with the knife in it drop to my side, “I’m waiting for them.”

And Zevran’s grinning face appeared behind him, a knife in hand and pressed to the mans throat in a matter of seconds, “We have quite a bit to discuss, no?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a bit more to this chapter but it got long so i had to split it in two which saddened me.   
> pls comment my dudes!


	46. Guys be doing things

“I’ll never talk! Bastards!” The assassin roared defiantly, but the attempt at intimidation was completely lost on me. You loose all authority when you get tangled by your ankles over a ballroom. Kinda funny-looking now, moustache all rumpled, face as red as tomato.

“So how’ve you been? I wasn’t in Skyhold long, but I would wager it is an interesting place to live.” Casimr lent against the railing, idly twirling a knife.

“It’s great, lil bit cold. You know when you jump from a high place you don’t get injured? Solas says it’s part of the magic.” I took a deep breath before yawning, watching my feet kick back and fourth over the party far below us, ignoring the angered shouts of the assassin next to us.

“That’s wild-”

“No matter what you do to me I will never break-” The repose agent declared with vigor, moustache jostling with the motion.

“Ah I have returned, my friends.” Zevran wandered onto the platform with a triumphant smile, holding a silver tray, “And I have made some excellent discoveries.” Lowering the tray so we could see, placed neatly in a line were a series of increasingly sharp-looking implements, two knives, a weird looking paddle I would’ve handled with gloves, and a couple of little pastries.

“Ooo, yum. I’ll take that-” I grabbed the pastries immediately, “And leave the rest to you.”

Casimr laughed under his breath as Zevran walked past him with the tray, “Where in Thedas did you find _that?_ ”

Placing the tray on the ground near the edge where the assassin was dangling –we’d tied rope around his ankles and I had to climb up on the rafter to secure him up there. He had not shut up the _whole_ time- and proudly held up the paddle, “I found it! In one of the many guest rooms, I was rather delighted.”

“I’ll bet.”

With a snigger, I polished off all the pastries and stood up, wiping my hands on the jacket, “Welp, let’s get on with the torture yeah? I’m sick of listening to this douche-monkey whine.”

“I’LL NEVER TALK!”

“Yeah yeah, we’ve been over that already-”

***

“Well that was fun, we really should do it again sometime.” Casimr threw his arm around my shoulders as we walked back through the streets. I was still kind of in shock, we’d questioned the assassin for over two hours, and eventually he’d given up the info we needed as I thought he would. I mean, I know I would definitely give up any information under torture, I have the worst threshold for pain. But _wow_ , it’d been a long night.

“Yeah, I’ll hang a guy off some rafters with you guys any day,” I grinned a little at that.

Zevran copied Casimr’s movement, and threw an arm around me from the other side, “I would call this mission a success, yes? We should… celebrate.”

“Mhmm, maybe let’s get a drink first. Or maybe go and complete the mission, this info is important to Leliana, it’s for Josephine.” It was the location of the House of Repose headquarters. I’d been there since the start of the mission, and I really wanted to see this through. I was part of it, and it was all the scenes in it that you don’t see in a game. The ones that they don’t show you.

I was going to see this thing through.

Casimr shook his head, removing his arm with a sigh, “I guess that’s my queue then, if you’re going back to Leliana. I’m too tired to deal with much.”

“Aw, I guess I’ll see you later then dude.” We shook hands and shared one last laugh before he turned and headed back towards the room they were staying in while Zevran and I continued towards the villa the Inquisition had taken up residence in for the duration of our stay.

The sky was so unbelievably clear; I didn’t usually stay up late enough to see the two moons overhead. So huge they dominated the glittering sky above us. And the streets were quiet and gave off a warmth that I hadn’t witnessed since I lived in Val Royeaux. There was always… something about Orlais that I really loved, and I think it was the people. Orlesian nobles were all increasingly ridiculous, racist, and honestly you could take them or leave them, but every day people were where the heart of Orlais was. In their coming and goings, in their friendships. In the willingness that they have to help each other.

I took a deep breath, trying to savor the serene feeling of returning home after so long. Weird. You would have thought I’d view Skyhold as my home, and I did kind of. But Orlais was we’re I felt most myself. So strange, I’d need to think about that…

I was jerked out of my thoughts by Zevran, who had moved his arm from around me to place his hand on mine to stop our progress. I glanced up at him, confused, to find that he’d been watching me the whole time. He had an odd expression on his face, one I didn’t really recognise.

What? What was this…

“You know, my dearest Elaine. Since our adventure in Fereldan, there was something I wished to… explore. With you.”

“Oh.. kay? But- _mmph!_ ” And all of a sudden his lips were on mine, and his other hand was cupping my cheek. He was gentle, warm, expert in his movements. And I have to say I kind of enjoyed it for all of a split second before I jerked back, “whoa! Buddy, slow down.”

He recovered rather quickly, running a hand through his hair, “Ah, I see.”

I was just blinking in confusion and amazement, was I completely dumb? Had I not seen any looks? _Jesus Christ_ \- “What the hell Zevran? I said buy me a drink first! Jesus Christ!”

He shook his head, small smile on his lips, “ _Mis disculpas_ , _lindo._ I should have seen, but I admit I misjudged.”

“Misjudged? _Misjudged_?! God, what is with dudes just thinking they can just _do_ things?” As I ranted this time I was watching his eyes, and all I could see was they they were glinting with some thinly veiled amusement, and some sort of understanding. Urgh, to be honest it was kind of smug and I hated it, “What?!”

“But alas,” He straightened up, “I should have known you were taken. My apologies, _lindo_.”

I took a grumpy breath in, trying to decide if staying angry was worth it, before letting it go and relaxing, “God, Zevran. Could you maybe just ask next time? Like… okay I probably would have said no. But it would have saved the shock.

“Surely you knew,” He chuckled again, motioning for us to continue walking.

“I did _not_. I’ve always been so stupid and blind about these things, but this was just ridiculous.” Now my grumpiness was directed at myself and the universe in general. And I missed Solas. Damn.

“It is me who was blind in this case.” He gestured to the side, and I glanced up to see the villa gates in view, “I would not have made a move if I had known.”

“We’re not exactly super open about it, Zev.” I shrugged, starting to walk, “It’s cool.”

He laughed again, under his breath, “Such strange words.”

“My friends get used to them,” Pausing just inside the gates, waiting for them to open for us, I looked up at him, sure I looked nervous, “That’s what we are, aren’t we? Friends?”

“ _Desde luego_ ,” He replied with a nod and a small smile as the gates opened, “Yes.”

Feeling good about myself and how the night went, I proudly led him through the halls to where the makeshift war room had been set up for meetings. Knowing that was where all the work would be done, and probably where Leliana was at that moment. I knew it was late, or early, but she never really slept when normal people are supposed to. Plus, the nights were super long here, people go to bed at like 12am and can still get the full 8 hours if they get up at dawn. Shit’s wild.

I went to knock, but the door was pulled open not two seconds after I raised my hand, “Oh, hey Anya. What’s up?”

She yawned widely in response, looking both me and Zevran up and down, “I am…” Taking in our elaborate costumes, before meeting my eyes tiredly, “Going to sleep. Good night Elaine.” With a nod at Zevran, she stepped around us and disappeared down the hallway.

In contrast, once we walked inside, Leliana had the gall to look well-rested and wide awake, withholding a familiar grin, nice to see her more like Origins Leliana than blood lust mean Leliana. “I gather your mission was successful, judging by your appearances.”

Zevran made himself at home on one of the couches against the wall, and while I was tired I wasn’t passed being on guard around Sister Nightingale. I trusted her to a point, not to a fault. “Uh huh, _falon_  you tell it. I’m gonna help myself to this wine…”

He was a fair story-teller, and gave a detailed account of what had happened over the course of the night as I rested my feet and Leliana stood and listened. After he was finished, she went on to ask us both questions about different details as she wrote it down. I assume for a report but I have no idea.

After, she stood up, thinking for a moment before turning to us with her eyebrows raised, “Are you both up for another job tonight? This location is vulnerable at the moment.” She went through a view stacks of paper before throwing something on my lap.

Reading it over, “The House of Repose wouldn’t invite people they don’t know into their space. That’s stupid.”

“Correct, this is _next_ to the location,” She said moving to sit next to Zevran on the couch with her own glass of wine, “A perfect cover.”

“For what?” I laughed a little hysterically, “You want us to zipline across? Actually that sounds cool as fu…”

“The how is up to you,” She shrugged, “As long as the contract is destroyed.”

“If we are going to be attending, we will need different clothes,” Zevran had a hand over his face, but as he spoke he sat up and glanced over at me. “Servants will do for this one yes?”

“Urgh, _fine_. But if my butt gets touched inappropriately I’m gonna wreck the joint.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all this stuff leading up to halamshiral is just me, playing with canon again, like the lumux i am. we'll get to it I swear. but bard shit and rogue shit is my Jam.


	47. Just a long work day

“To get this done efficiently we need a plan. A good one, preferably one that’ll get me in bed before the sun comes up.” I said, stomping down the corridor and trying to remember where I was going.

“We were going as servants, no? I believe that is simplest.” Zevran was next to me, just following along.

“Well, I think it would be better if we showed up as  _guards_. Or valets, or whatever allows us to carry weapons.” Counting along the doors, and finally landing one, knowing he should be up cause he’s always up. Nobody ever  _sleeps_  in Thedas...

I heard a loud cheer and the clinking of glasses from inside the room as I knocked.

Zevran leaned against the wall, eyebrow raised, “It seems everyone is working tonight,  _lindo_.”

“It doesn’t sound like work. Jeez does nobody sleep around here-” The door opened in the middle of my complaint, and Varric (looking suave in a smoking jacket and holding a pipe) smirked up at us.

“Ah, Spitfire. Want to join the game?” He gestured inside, where Cullen sat with his arms crossed sullenly glaring at a hand of cards, and Sera triumphantly lifted his fur coat thing over to drape it around her shoulders. Blackwall, Vivienne, Cole, and Dorian all sat around the table too, in various stages of undress.

Varric let us in as I was waving at Vivienne, who looked smug in her full, untouched outfit and also holding a pipe, but it was longer and more like those cool ones they have in old movies. “Hey Lady, what are we up to?”

“I, my dear, am winning.”

“Not for long though, I’m comin’ for her arse.” Sera declared, poking her tongue out at her.

I shook my head with a grin at their shenanigans, but then turned to Varric. “We actually need a favour, can we borrow you and Bianca for a heist?”

“Hm,” He touched his chin, “Considering it, deliberating, pros and cons... yeah of course I’m in.” He straightened up, “Do I need to change?”

“Naw bud, you’re all good as is.” I put my arm around his shoulders, smoking jacket and all, before turning and beaming at Zevran, “Now all we need is armour, weapons, a scarf, and about 60ft of rope.”

***

I’d found that most of all the cool heist stuff we were doing involved waiting in line. Funny, but it gave Zevran and I an opportunity to observe the exterior of both buildings before went inside.

The one we were waiting out front of felt more like a seedy apartment building than a noble’s salon. It was a dingy grey stone building, taller than all of the others surrounding it, and easily casting shadows over the one across the street where we were supposed to be breaking into.

Varric was just straight up chilling, talking to people in front of us who had recognised him and wanted to know about the next instalment of _Hard in Hightown_. And while Zevran watched and made sure to at least attempt to look imposing and guarding, while I tried to gauge the distance between this building and the one across the street.

“We’ll need about two floors up? Or one…” Muttering, trying to judge it, but it was tough to do from the ground. “Zev? I’m not sure…”

“Hm,” He glanced up when I poked his arm, “We will need to be lucky…”

“I’m Varric Tethras, representing the Inquisition? Ah yes, see there I am.” Meanwhile, Varric spun his charm on the woman at the door, who glanced at us out of the corner of her eye after flashing a polite smile at him, “Yes these are my body-guards, Slim and Petunia-” _Varric you cheeky shit-_ “You understand.”

We got weird looks but otherwise nobody else gave us a second glance on our way in. Mostly all of the people who did look at us were looking at Varric, who did a good job at hiding his surprise at all the attention.

It was like a seedy cigar bar, except full of people in masks and held in a library. There were a few musicians in the corner with stringed instruments playing a mix of the classical and swing which was odd to hear. The people were all mostly men, smoking and drinking and laughing at the top of their lungs. Sort of fitting for the time of night, but it still made me feel kinda gross and unsafe.

Once Varric was settled with a drink in one of the booths in a corner, making sure we were stationed close to him, I noticed that he wasn’t the only one with people who looked like guards.

Zevran seemed to be rather enjoying the atmosphere, “Three exists.”

“Stairs?”

“Behind us, we are in a good position yes?”

Trying not to grin at our luck, I adjusted so that I could talk to Varric, who was pouring himself another drink with a confused look, “Hey- oh. What’s wrong?”

“I… need to have a conversation with my publisher.”

“Huh?”

“It’s nothing Spitfire.”

I knew exactly what it was, but at that second I didn’t care, because I needed to focus on the mission. Which at the moment was finding a way out of this party with the crossbow for at least 10 minutes. Punching out his publisher could wait for the time being. “Varric, socialize for a while. I’ll send you a signal then excuse yourself and meet us at the stairs. Just behind that door.”

“Alright,” He stood with a shake of his head, “And the signal?”

“I’ll send you a fancy drink. Look forward to it.” He chuckled, and as he stepped into the fray Zevran made to follow, catching my eye for second before looking away.

***

My feet  _dragged_  on the carpet on the way back. It was closer to morning, but still late enough that people were awake and hanging around the villa. I was so exhausted, and I felt dusty and gross from crawling around storage rooms and chilling on rafters. I super needed a bath, but could absolutely not remember the way to my room. 

It was a huge place, and I know somebody had shown me at  _some_  point, but at that moment I couldn’t for the life of me remember where the dang room was.

And there was a bath in it too. Fuck.

Yawning, I decided to take a breather against the wall, digging in Alice’s coat pockets for an Elfroot smoke and lighting on one of the candles along the wall. Taking a long draw from it, and seriously considering sleeping on the floor right there.

“I’ll choose to ignore that,” A stern voice echoed down the hallway, preceding the raised eyebrows and crossed arms of Lillie walking my way.

“Huh? What?” The elfroot sort of spaced me out, and on top of that I was so exhausted I couldn’t focus. I held up the smoke, “This? Sorry officer.”

She shook her head, dark hair flipping down her shoulders. I hadn’t seen her so casual, with her hair down and no armour on or guard up, in a long time. She’d shaved the beard off, dressing gown long and elaborate, slight form casting a long shadow down the hallway. 

She looked like she was … really embracing herself. Kinda nice.  

She lent against the wall opposite making a face, “Sorry, years of the job sort of makes you think a certain way.”

“Yeah, I get you.” Blowing out a breath to the side, I held the smoke out to her, “You can have some if you want, no judgement.”

“Nah,” Her accent really showed then, but she grinned up at me, “So what’re you doin’ out here, mate?”

“Could ask you the same question, Lillie. Coming from Bulls room?” I teased, “I was just finishing up some Bard stuff. So many missions, so little time.” 

Completely ignoring my first question, she seemed impressed as she nodded a little, “That’s pretty cool, but why are you out here and not going straight to bed?”

Long draw, then I clicked the rest of it on the non carpeted bit before stomping on it, “Truth is, I got lost, completely forgotten the room assignments.”

She laughed this time, “You want your room?”

I went to nod, but then remembered my thoughts earlier, “Actually, do you know where Solas’ rooms are?”

She smirked, matching how I’d teased her earlier, “Sure, let’s stop by the kitchens first, I needed some water.”

Too tired to complain, I just followed along with no clue where I was going anyway. 

On the way back from the kitchens, Lillie passed me the pitcher of water as she lifted a dray of glasses, “So what exciting mission was today?”

“Well, we did a few things-” I outlined all the highlights, including the cool costumes, the dangling a guy from some roof rafters, the coming back only to leave again. I left the kiss out though, it wasn’t super important, “But I think the best part was zip-lining from a roof to the Repose HQ. It’s more fun than it looks in the movies.”

She laughed again, shaking her head, “Yeah no, you can keep those heights I’ll stick on the ground with the sane people.” 

“Sure, but I think I’ll try and stay on the ground for now.” Laughing tiredly, we walked in companionable silence for a little longer before stopping at some doors, “Nunight, Lillie. I’m… really happy for you…” It sounded a little lame, but I had this sort of pride in my chest just looking at her that at that moment I couldn’t put into words.

And even though it made little to no sense out loud, she smiled a little bit anyway in reply. But she didn’t say anything except, “I’m happy for you too.”

Stepped forward and down, I gave her a quick hug before moving towards the doors, “I’ll be seeing you.”

“Nunight, Elaine.”

“Night, Lil.” At the nickname her chuckles echoed down the hallway as I opened and slipped through the doors. Feeling that tugging in my stomach fro a second before it eased and I was standing in rooms identical to the ones I’d been shown to before, only in these there was a figure curled up on the bed breathing softly.

“Ma’fen?” I whispered, shrugging my coat and trying to be quiet as I kicked my shoes off, and padded towards the huge bed. I didn’t much of an answer except a sigh and a roll over, “Can I join you, ma’fen?” His eyes fluttered a little bit, and there was a kind of an adorable nod and a little murmur of assent. 

With a little grin I climbed under the covers next to him, feeling finally like I’d be able to rest after that _extremely_ long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL HELLO ok ok ok i know i said id update sooner, but i realised how shit this chapter was as i was writing it and so i changed it around and i like where it ends but hate everything else. 
> 
> i also have a lot going on in like..., life? so if i dont want to write it like doesnt happen, and i hate it when i get like that but sometimes it cant be helped. so yeah, sorry for not updating, this story is still going, please comment :D that's the end of this hella long a/n, keep it real my dudes.

**Author's Note:**

> i havent written something this silly in ages- it's fun. i like fun.
> 
> obviously mary sue- who picks up knives that quick? eh, whatever. im having fun. can you tell?


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